Updates and things...

So what have I been up to?

Not much...

Since February, I've been trying to get a new wheelchair and braces to be more mobile...

Yesterday I got confirmation that my wheelchair is being ordered....braces are still in the process with insurance.  YES....it takes that long to get the things we need if you have Medicare.

I'm still trying to find a job...I wish I could find something...anything to be productive.

I'm still trying to get a car.  I really, REALLY miss driving Uber/Lyft.   

I've got a new apartment after the fiasco at the last apartment.  

They just said they wanted ME gone....no money ordered no nothing...sooo.

NEW APARTMENT....

The Landlord made me buy my own ramp, and wants me to take it in when I'm not using it...but I'm not going to.  Then, the apartment was placed on facebook marketplace for $750 and he's charging us $800 per month.  This is partially because we're getting some help with rent for a couple months.

Why, you ask, do I not immediately file a complaint with Fair Housing?  Because, the landlord also put a clause in our lease that says I cannot file a complaint...which is illegal in itself, but, HEY, I'm trying to make this work.  (If anyone out there wants to help me with this, I'm open to suggestions...I really like this area and don't want to be evicted as soon as I've moved in)

Jacob and I have had our bumps, and a really big one in August that almost was the end of us, but we perservered.  And are still together.  

Oh yeah, I was hit by a car on Sept 19, my sisters birthday.  It was a hit and run, but we were able to find the driver...only to have him not have insurance.  He told the police he had insurance, however, it had lapsed.  My power chair has a bend frame from this and I now need a new one.  

Not only that, but I GOT A TICKET for using the street when a sidewalk was available!!! AVAILABLE DOES NOT MEAN ACCESSIBLE!!!  One end of the sidewalk was good and ADA compliant, however the other end was not, and the officer only looked at the one end.  I feel that this ticket, and the fact that the responding officer did not file a police report and didn't get the three witnesses information, is the reason that Bell County is NOT PROSECUTING the person that hit me, even though he admitted it.  So, I'm stuck trying to replace a power wheelchair. (And then there's the ambulance and emergency room bill.)  The ticket has since been dismissed because they actually looked up ADA laws and determined the sidewalk was inaccessible....YA THINK!!!!

Again....if anyone has suggestions...I'm all ears on this one.  We are thinking of starting a fundraiser for replacing the wheelchair, however, I have not had much luck with these in the past and am hesitant about this.  

We're thinking of trying TikTok to generate some income, with videos about how I do things and of course our crazy life together...we may start that soon.

Anyway...that's my life in the past couple months.  My goal is to start posting on my blog more and actually being present here because I really do miss this.  

When You Wake Up Missing Someone...

I woke up this morning missing my Mom.

Not the woman who gave birth to me, but my Mom.

The one that raised me...

Loved me...

Sheltered me...

Taught me everything...

Showed me what a family is supposed to be like.

I miss Dandi.

She would be able to tell me what to do in times like this.

She would also be there to encourage me, and assure me that...

It.

Will.

Be.

Alright.

Dandi is the one that taught me my manners, she taught me everything that a parent is supposed to teach a child that my parents didn't teach me.

Maybe it's because I saw a bunch of Dandilions yesterday, and I know that is when she's telling me I'm doing the right thing...that I'm on the right path.

Maybe it's because I'm so worn down right now.

I don't want to fight anymore...

I don't want to scrape everything...

I want to go back to the life I had before this tornado, where I felt safe.

Where I worried, but at least had the things I needed.

Dandi is the one that was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

She offered me encouragement when I was to scared to try something new.

She also was not afraid to punish me when I had done something wrong.

With the world going crazy, and everyone being socially distant, Dandi would have been the one to tell me that we're still close, and together.  We will always be together.

On Mother's Day, I light a candle for Dandi.

Most days, she's on my mind, so many years later after she died...

I think of her every day.  I miss her every day.

And now, when I want so badly for someone to just talk to every day...just get on the phone and say 

"What's up?"

"How was your day?"

"This funny thing happened to me today..."

I got no one to call...no one to joke with...no one to talk to.

I am really good at pretending that everything is OK.

I'm really good and hiding the fact that I'm incredibly lonely.

I spend all day at the restaurant, I laugh and joke...

but when the time comes, I go home by myself...I do everything by myself.

Just once, I wish I had someone that I could call and say HI...I'm lonely and I'm having a bad day...please talk to me.  

And I know you're saying...but you're at a restaurant all day...however, I stay out of the way...I don't bother people when they're working, and I try not to be in the way.  

They sometimes talk amongst themselves, and I'm still sitting over here.

So, I read, or try to learn something new...or just browse the internet because my other computer is broken and I can't play MTG Arena.

And, to make myself feel better, I try to do things for other people.  

But, God, I miss being able to call my mom and say

I LOVE YOU!

So, Dandi, I know you're watching me...and I know you're guiding me.

I miss you so very very much. 

Because you at least wanted me, when my own parents didn't.

How do the Homeless "Stay at Home"?

This has really been bothering me.

There are so many people that are out there helping others, no matter how small that is.

I am giving rides to a friend that just got a job, and is trying to keep it.

However, this is keeping me from being able to go to the local homeless shelter, because they demand that I be there by a certain time, and that runs into the time I get my friend from work.

I've already given him my word that I will continue to give him rides, because at least he's trying.

What about the homeless in this time?

The places where we usually eat and spend our time are closed.

The food banks are closed.

There's no way for us to cook what food we do get from the food banks, if we were able to get them.

This is a Country build on the Christian faith.  We came here to escape persecution, and practice our religious beliefs, and I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible (I'm not good at quotes like that) to help thy neighbor.  Aren't the homeless your neighbors?  

No matter what your opinion of them, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle, or their life choices, they are still people.  For me, I just want a shower...others may be a floor to sleep on, a bed would be fantastic!

I'm not going to stop helping my friend because it's the right thing to do.

No one else has stepped up to help him with rides to work.

No one else has even wondered if any of us are OK.

I haven't gotten calls from any family, text messages from friends...

My phone has been so silent, that at times I wonder if it's still working.

I'm more lucky than most.

I have a cot to sleep on, some shelter (even if it does leak), and I can get electricity.

However, my main source of food (through agreements and working odd jobs) closed yesterday.

So, now I'm worried...how am I going to survive this week with no food, and no money to get food.

I should be good once the end of the month hits and I get paid, but until then...I have nothing.

People who I thought were friends, have turned their backs on me.

People who I thought were good Christian people, that would do what is right, have been so absorbed in their own worlds, they've forgotten there are others less fortunate.

Even with the social distancing, I'm sure you make dinner...I'm sure you have some leftovers...how hard would it be to take those leftovers, and find someone that has nowhere to go, nothing to eat...Even if you leave it on a table for them, maintain the 6 foot distance, just let them know that you care and that you're trying.

I went to the park yesterday and saw three families go there and play...how about while you're out on your walk or something, you take some food and drink to the person you KNOW to be homeless and you KNOW where they hang out.  I promise you, we're creatures of habit...we will stay under our bridges, in our parking lot...wherever we feel safe, because we do feel safe there.  

And this whole shelter in place...how the heck can we "Shelter in Place" when we are threatened with a Criminal Trespass if we stay there, or we're told to leave...how many places do you know of that people used to spend their time there, only to have those places closed now?

My rant is over...I'm going to post this and cry a little more, because everything that I was taught growing up about being kind to others, about taking care of others, about treating others how you would want to be treated...Yeah, none of it is happening.  So, I will watch others Facebook live videos, I will participate, I will joke like nothing is wrong...but by myself...I cry...I"m beginning to lose that part of myself that wants to help others...that has faith.

P.S.  No I'm not asking for anything.  I have a place to sleep, and a place to park, even if it's only at night and I have to find somewhere else to go during the day.  I would love to just stay here for a couple of days and get things figured out, but was told it is only at night.  

An Open Letter to Marsha Cook

**I had written this and was going to mail it to  you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on.  I will not hide from you anymore.**

Dear Marsha,

First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me.  So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.

Second, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself.  Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people?  I think about that every day.  When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start."  Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.

Do you remember the plans we had?  That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted.  I'm sorry that won't happen.  I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward.  However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me.  YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT!  ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there.  Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month.  The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends.  Just to say "I'm Sorry".  And I haven't even been able to do that.

What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.  I NEVER thought that you would do this.  We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go  and yet it was US.  And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist.  Now, after everything...I'm alone.

You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you.  I would have moved mountains for you.  Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.

I have to say, I miss being with you.  And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead.  I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO".  I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing.  This way, we can both move on and heal.

There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you.  I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.

So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you.  I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance."  This is the only way I can survive.  The only way I can get some sense of being OK.  Because this is NOT OK for me.  My life is not OK.  There is a huge hole now in my life.

There are some things a woman hides in her heart.  Missing you is going to be one of them.  I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away.  People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes.  People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.

Love,
Marci

*
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all.  I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.

Communication Problems with Stubborn Family

Stubborn??? That's the least of it. 

See, I've grown up, I can be professional, I CAN FORGIVE...

which is more than I can say for my family.

The past six months have been heartbreaking.

They have been emotionally scarring.

They've been, for lack of a better word...

HELL!

What kind of person would bully their own child?

What kind of person would instruct their caretaker to assault their child?

What kind of person would do this?  Knowingly?

Marsha Jean Cook...otherwise known as the person who gave birth to me.

I am not calling her my mother anymore, because a mother would not do this.

A mother is supposed to care for and protect their children.

I am still scared to let my family know where I am...specifically...though I think they have an idea.

I'm scared to let anyone get close to me anymore because of all this.

I thought growing up knowing that your parents didn't want you was bad...but for your mother to say she's changed, only to be worse to me than ever growing up was a nightmare.

I saw an old high school teacher in December right after most of this happened, and the first words out of her mouth were, "I can't believe your mom did this to you AGAIN".  

AGAIN....my mom did this while I was in high school, and like a stupid child, I believed her when she said things would be different.  

Her own sister said that she should never have had kids, that she was too selfish...

And still I believed her.

I've been told not to post this; not to write an open letter to my mom...

but if that's the only way to let her know how I feel, 

How I HURT

How I feel BETRAYED

How I feel HOPELESS

Then I will do it...I will put everything out there that what she did was horrible....and I'm not saying in the least that I'm innocent, because I did some horrible things to, but I OWN THEM...

I don't blame others for what I did.

I have also TRIED to MAKE AMENDS and Ask forgiveness.

I believe in FORGIVENESS...I believe in giving another chance...because 

PEOPLE LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

Me, I've learned that my family will always be toxic

AND SELFISH

AND MEAN

AND HURTFUL

AND MANIPULATIVE

AND BACKSTABBING

I've learned not to trust them anymore.

I've learned not to believe anything that comes out of their mouths because it's usually LIES!

So...Marsha Jean Cook.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I'm sorry for lashing out when I was being bullied and harassed by people that you paid.

I want to badly to talk to you, and try to patch things up.

I do miss talking to you every day.

I miss telling you the things I've discovered or learned.

I miss telling you the funny things that happen to me (like I broke TWO NEEDLES trying to bind a book).

I miss making you laugh.

I miss learning with you.

I miss trying to introduce you to new things.

I miss exploring with you.

I miss you watching me make jewelry.

I miss making jewelry for you.

I miss introducing you to new shows to watch on Netflix.

I miss teaching you what your phone would do.

I miss all of this.

When I bought you the diamond earrings, you cried because no on had ever gotten them for you.

When I bought you the stuffed animal after your hip surgery, when NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE...you cried because NO ONE had thought to get you anything while  you were in the hospital.

When you told me the wrong direction to someplace and started crying because you thought I would yell at you, I was hurt.  I was hurt because Letty did that to you, and taught you to be afraid to make a mistake.  I was hurt because your own daughter did this to you. 

And, you choose to be around this now.  You have chosen to be around the same people that have yelled at you, made you late to your appointments, made you scared to make a mistake.  And yet, me, who just laughed and said "we get to learn a new way", me, you choose to cut out of your life.

This sounds like classic elder abuse, yet no one will listen to me because I'm the one that everyone teamed up against and pushed out.  I made sure you went to all of your appointments.  I made sure you did what you wanted to do.  Sometimes, paying for it out of my own pocket.  

One day, you will see what is really happening, and I hope that day comes soon...before you've lost me forever.

This is my Good Bye to you.

This is my closure.

I don't even have a phone number for you, and that's OK with me.  

Even though I have been cold and hungry most days these past couple months, I know I'm a good person.

I know that I did the best I could for you.

Now, I have to hope.

Hope that someone realizes this before it's too late.

Hope that someone can intervene before you lose everything, including your freedom.

You once said to me that your biggest fear was being put in a nursing home...and yet...

How is that going?

You're unable to keep people working for you...why is that?

I was there for free...and yes...I've learned a lot.

I've changed a lot in these past couple months...I'm not even sure you would recognize me if you saw me.

So....this isn't exactly a letter, but it's me speaking my feelings.  It's me speaking out because I know things are not good with you, but you won't let the people that care about you the most around you.

So, if someone in a position of authority reads this blog...please check out all the circumstances regarding all this.  This woman is being abused...to the point she is scared of her own family, and I fear for her safety.  I fear for her mental well being.  What people would buy all these gifts for an elderly person that they have just known a couple months when these people are struggling themselves?  What people would do this?  Nathasha and Gilbert (Bubba) Hise are the ones that started all this, and yet, no oneis investigating them or their motives.  Their own daughter accused them of abuse, and yet they're allowed to be around elderly who can't speak up for themselves.

So, I ask you...who is really the worst person?

Who are the people that are putting my mother in harms way?

Why must family be like this?

You know....I'm always amazed when I see families stick up for each other...

mine has always been cut throat and vindictive.

I grew up having to hide anything of value to me, hide my feelings, hide anything that made me happy.

I grew up scared that one or both of my parents would take away anything that I enjoyed...so I learned not to show joy in anything...and sometimes that has hurt me, but most of the time it has protected me.

And now, my family thinks it will hurt me that my mom is putting my stuff on the curb...NEWS FLASH....

I have had this happen before...it will happen again.  Anything that means any value to me, I either hide very well or carry with me all the time.

You see, family is not who you are born into...family is who is there for you in the hard times.  Family is who knows you inside and out, and still says it's OK.  Family will give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug when you need it...and I've needed a lot of them lately.  

I have a sister that likes to stick her nose into things that are not her business, and then she says she did it for the better good.  I don't tell her anything of importance because of this...I learned a long time ago that if she isn't happy, she will do what she can to make others not happy also.  

So, my mom is keeping my power chair, because it hurts me.  She won't let me have it...a power chair...that I need.  My wheelchair is in need of repairs, but because I got the power chair, insurance won't fix it...but that's OK...people see what she's doing...people know what's going on.  

In a few months, I hope to have enough to get my lift fixed and try to get a new power chair...maybe even have a place to live, but right now I'm still in my van...I'm still trying to stay warm at night, and I'm still scrounging for what I need...again...there are people that have taken care of me throughout all this, and for that I'm thankful.

I think I've figured out how to mostly stay warm in the van, however that does require me staying in the sleeping bag...but that's OK...Sparky likes it!! And, I"m reading more books...

I wish things were different.  I wish I still had a mom, one that actually doesn't want me dead.  I wish I had a home...but I don't think that is going to happen for a while.  My sister has said that she is going to tag my blog in her blog and tell "the truth" but SERIOUSLY...how can you know exactly what the truth is??? Everyone has their own perception of things, and while it may be true for them, and others in the area, it may not be the truth to someone that is over 1,000 miles away, and really hasn't talked to family until all this happened.  

It's funny how my mom can be mad at her kids, and then all of a sudden, the one that called every day, when everyone else didn't have time for her, is the one that is such a bad person...yes I admit I'm not perfect, but then again, neither is anyone else...and yet I forgive.  I leave the past in the past because that's where it belongs.  Stuff that has been broken or stolen or taken and hidden, is just that...STUFF...I can understand something having sentimental value, however, what if that stuff was lost in a fire, or a tornado...would you hate your daughter for that???  When you've lost everything as many times as I have, you learn that it is just STUFF and that what's important are the people in your life and not the stuff....in the end, you can't take it with you.  But what you've done on this Earth, the people you've impacted, the smiles you've spread...that's what counts...not how much stuff you have amassed.  

I guess this is why it doesn't hurt me too much to lose everything....it hurts, but I know it's just stuff...the memories are with me...I wish I had some of the stuff that I've lost.  I wish I could go back in time, but I can't...all I can do is move forward.  And move forward I will....tomorrow is another day...there are beautiful things all around that I can take pictures of...there are children to make smile, people to impact...kind words to say...a smile to give to everyone...no matter how rotten I feel...things will get better, because they can't get much worse.  

In a couple months, I hope to have a bus that I can work on converting...it may take a while, but that is my goal!!!

There is so much to say

There is always so much to say, but where do I start?

There is always so much to say, but sometimes it's just s sentence or a paragraph.

There is always so much to say, but who would want to read it?

These go through my head all the time, and yet there is so much more I want to say.  Sometimes, I want to publish 3-5 blogs a day, and sometimes less...sometimes more.

Does this blog help people?

Do I actually make a difference in someone's life?

Am I wanted anywhere?

See, I asked my mom the other day if she wanted me gone permanently, and she said yes.

What kind of parent would say "yes I want you gone forever"?

What kind of parent would bully their own child to the point that the child feels there is no escape.

What kind of parent would choose people they just met over their own child, and let those people assault that child?

My siblings always said I was my moms favorite.  If that is so, why did she do the things she did?  Why did she order her employee to assault me?  Because that is her excuse, "he's just doing his job".  

I've tried contacting Central Texas Council of Governments, who pays her employee and they say there is nothing they can do...they would rather sit by and watch this happen then risk losing any funds from the government.  I tried calling the VA, who runs the program that she has hired her employees through, and again, nothing they can do.  There has to be some oversight somewhere with this program.

There has got to be someone, somewhere that knows what to do or who to contact. I'm settling into this new life, and I really want to make a difference somewhere...I don't know where to start, and I'm having problems finding places to tell my testimony...though I know I need to tell it.

Starting Over

I've had this discussion with pretty much everyone...

So, before I go any further I want everyone to know I'm FINE!

I'm OK in my van, I promise!

Now, besides the fact that I have to start over yet again, I've gotten almost everything I want to keep out of my moms apartment.

Living in the van right now is tight because I still have stuff that I need to drop off at certain places, and then there's the stuff that I just don't know what to do it. 

Not to mention, I'm a packrat and I really need to cut down the clutter. 

What I really want to do is sew and make jewelry...those are my therapy, and right now I'm unable to do them.  I think I'm going to try to make some jewelry today, but not sure about that.

All I know is I'm settling into this van life...I have a little schedule right now where I spend my days.

Other than that, I'm catching up on my sweeps, and just biding my time until I'm able to drive out of here...which should be soon.  

It's really bad that I hide at night, and I constantly hide during the day because I'm very scared of my moms employee.  

I know that there is a plan for me, because I have faith, but sometimes it's hard to have the patience that comes with it.

My van needs a radiator and without it, I really can't drive any distances...I'm trying to raise the money right now for it, and it's only a couple hundred, but the past couple of months, I was getting data boosts on my phone bill so that mom could keep watching Netflix.  It was something she enjoyed, and I very much wanted her to be happy...I guess I screwed up with that one.

With everything that has gone on, I just want to protect my mom again.  And I can't do that because she thinks that the people with her now are the ones that are protecting her and keeping her safe.  I know through the grapevine that things are not good for her, and I know by the way she is acting that something bad is going on, but I can't know the exact thing until someone tells me for sure.

However, I've made one decision....no matter what happens, I will be there as a shoulder for her to cry on, but I'm not going to save her, I'm not going to put any money towards her finding a place or anything...no one was there for me, and I had to hustle in order to just save my van.  I know this may sound mean, but I warned her not to involve the landlord, that I would leave on my own etc...She's the one that listened to her other "family"....you know...the one's that told her she was so much better without me.  Again, I know this may sound mean...but I'm the one that can't sleep at night and is scared all the time...

I WORRY ABOUT HER...I worry about her well being, I worry about her safety...I worry about her financial situation...and I want to help her...but I will not...not this time...I cannot keep getting stepped on by those that I care about.

On another note...people wonder how I can stay by myself all the time, and it's because if I let someone in, they always hurt me...and a person can only take so many scars.  It's better to be by myself than risk the chance of getting hurt again.  

I'm a very caring person...I'm a very honest person...and I'm very open about my feelings...they are literally on my sleeve all the time.  I forgive easily but there is only so much that a person can take before they shut down...and I'm almost to the shut down point...I literally don't want a relationship and I don't want an apartment....I feel safe in my van because I know that no one can impose on my life there...no one can easily take it away from me.  Yeah, I could lose it because of the fact that I can't afford the repairs right now, but this is only temporary...I will soon be able to afford all of it.

Anyway, this is my post for the day, or couple of days....I'm not sure how things are going to be soon because I'm very low on funds and no way to get more...so I got crackers etc to feed myself, and if I can find a place in Cove to park I should be good.

Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers...she needs it more than me right now.

How I spent Thanksgiving

I wanted to wait to post this because it's been a full couple of days.

I met new family today, and was amazed at how friendly and welcoming they were.  

My adopted dad took me to his other adopted son's house and I met his family...who are now my family.  

On the way there, I wanted to listen to Rich Mullens, and my daddy said he had never heard me listen to Christian music.  I then told him my testimony and how I know I'm here for a reason, and that since that day I've tried to live an upright life.  

He sat and digested what I told him, and I thought for sure he would think I was crazy...but he just told me that I continually amaze him.

Then we got to Lil Bull's house...and wow!  Right away, I was family...the kids just embraced me and talked to me like they had known me forever...I NEEDED this today!

Things with my mom have still been crazy.  I received a threat tonight from her that I better keep an eye on my cats...BTW if anyone wants a kitten, I still have one available.

She still maintains that her caretaker, Josh did not assault me...that my pride was hurt...ummm....HELLO...what is this scar I have on my forehead???

I don't know where the next few weeks are going to take me...but I do know that I am scared to stay around here.  I am scared of Josh...I was told by the worthless Killeen Police Department that I need to go and file charges, and this was after I went up there the day after the assault and told the desk clerk I had to make the statement and go through with whatever I had to do.  In Nac, none of this would have mattered...they would have taken the case right away...here, it's like they don't want to work at all.  

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy your Black Friday shopping!! Me, I'm going to set in my van and chill for a while, or maybe sit here where I'm at and work on the computer.  I'm kinda stuck until I get paid, which may be tomorrow, or it may be Monday...with my bank you never know...which is why I'm switching banks next month.  

I'm just Thankful that I had family to spend today with, and that I have friends that are willing to help me out in this trying time.  I got blamed today for my mom not having anywhere to go or anyone to be with on Thanksgiving...it's not my fault...maybe people see you how you really are.  My thing is, I forgive you...but it will take a very long time for me to trust you again.

Who is Marci?

You know, I just want to write.  I don't have a clever title for my blogs, or anything like that.

This is the telling of my experiences, and my life.

And, sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that it just needs to be said.

Yes, I've neglected my blog for a while because I wasn't sure what to write, and I was trying to figure out what direction I wanted my blog to take.  So, I'm not going in one direction, I'm staying true to myself and just posting what I feel, what I want to say, and what needs to be said.  

Right now, what needs to be said is that I'm OK.  I'm OK with my life.  I'm OK with living in my van.  I'm OK with being single. (Yeah, a significant other would be fantastic, but there's nothing on the horizon.)

I've always been a caretaker for other people, starting when I was 12 and my grandmother moved in with us.  I would help her get dressed and help with things around the house.  Then, I got married, and had kids.  Now, I have none of that...it's just me, and I'm so lost right now because it is just me.  

Who is Marci?  

Who is this woman that is so broken?

Who is this survivor?

For the first question, I have no clue.  I know what I like, I know about what I want, and I know that I need to become stronger.

Second question...that woman is a survivor.

That woman is a person that has been abused by her parents, her spouses, pretty much everyone that said "I love you" to me, with the exception of my children has hurt me one way or another.  

Third question...that survivor is Marci.  She is broken, but don't expect that to last.  She has fought her way back to a semblance of peace before and can do it again.  

It's one thing to be betrayed by people that are supposedly friends, however, for your own parent to do this to you is another story.  A parent is supposed to protect their child, not bully them, not abuse them and make them feel like crap.  

Even if the child is grown, they still look to their parents for protection, and when that protection is not there, the child learns they have to protect and defend themselves.  

When I was 13, my parents (both of them) admitted they never wanted me.  It took me the better part of 25 years to have a relationship with my mom because of this.  On a side note, I forgave them for that a long time ago...more for my own sanity than anything.  It started with phone calls to my mom daily.  Then some visits.  Then when I moved into my van shortly before Christmas last year, my mom said she was worried and didn't want me living in my van.  She asked me to move in with her...she had a spare room and she wanted my company.  So, I quit my job and moved to Killeen.  

The week after I moved in with her, she fell and broke her hip.  I believe that God wanted me there with her, because I advocated for her, and barely left her side while she was in the hospital and rehab...even sleeping on the little fold out cots they had.  I met some awesome people and made some friends during that adventure.

Then, things turned.  I've always said October is a bad month for me, even though it is my birthday month.  The beginning of October saw me telling my mom that I was only going to do fundraising for a van or lift for myself.  And, I explained why it was for me, because a van could hold two chairs, and if I got the van, DARS would convert it for me, versus her getting the van and me being stuck without a vehicle.  She was not happy about that decision...she wanted me to give her a van, and go without one for myself.  And, then things really started to get bad...

When she got her new "service dog" that is not even potty trained, she also bought over $100 of stuff for the dog and then the dog had to go to the vet, which was another $150, on top of the $200 she paid for the dog.  So, I spent all my funds trying to pay her bills because she WANTED this dog...She WANTED to spend the money on what she WANTED.  I NEEDED to get the bills paid.  I lost my pool cue in the pawn shop, my jewelry that I had sized, and still haven't gotten my glasses because I put every penny into her bills and household.  I've lost everything...and then....

When I came home from Nightfall, she told me that she was going to start keeping track of what her other worker did because the work wasn't getting done.  The worker took my stuff from when I was sewing and put it in the doorway of my room, to where I couldn't even walk in there, and took pictures.  THEN, she and my mom told the landlord I was destroying the room, and showed the landlord those pictures.  Now, the blinds in the room were destroyed by my moms other dog, and the stains on the floor were from her dogs going to the bathroom on the floor...not from my mess...my room may be cluttered, but not totally messy.

The landlord is now trying to evict me, if my mom had waited until I got paid, like I promised, I would have willingly left the day I got paid...instead I'm waiting until I get the court order.  This way, I don't have to rush out of the house, and I won't lose everything....again.  

So, my mom of course cried out emotional abuse and then her other caretaker cried financial abuse, claiming I was stealing from my mom.  First off, I made more money than her, and covered her bills...which can be proven.  And, she was aware of every thing what was spent...EVERYTHING.  I have text messages etc, and the money transfers when I transferred money to her account for her to pay the bills.  I have proof otherwise, and since these allegations were leveled on me, there is an investigation...and the investigation will prove exactly this.  

So, besides that...I lived through two weeks of literal HELL because my mom allowed her guests to bully and harass me.  She allowed them to call me names, threaten me, threaten my cat...make me scared to be in my own house.   

So, now....I've been betrayed by my own mother...I've been bullied and harassed by people I thought were friends.  And, I've gone back into my safe haven...my van...good old Petunia.  It's weird that a van will make me feel safe, but if you think about it...it's mine, and it's secure.  

So, new start...Marci is broken, Marci has been abused and betrayed, and Marci is surviving all this.  And coming through on the other side a stronger person.  I am Marci, and I am a survivor....and this is just another bump in the road of life.

Life updates...

So, since I've been neglecting my blog, I figured I would give you an update as to what's been going on.

I've moved into my van, for several reasons...the main one being I'm tired of fighting landlords for things that are required by law to be there anyway. This isn't exactly giving up, it's just choosing which battles to fight.

My van is my safe place...this may sound funny, but I actually feel better when I'm in my van.  Right now, I need that safety net.  

There are a couple of things in the works, but I'm not allowed to say anything about those...soooo...just know that past wrongs may be righted.

My daughter turned 18 and I reached out to her on facebook...I got the picture when she blocked me.

I plan to actually travel this next year, after all, I don't have a job and I don't have an apartment to maintain...so...why not?

I'm going to work on my photography more often, and post the pictures here...

Here's a few from High Fantasy Society, before I got banned because the monarchy wanted me gone because of the stuff happening with my mom.

It's Time....

So....

I've been vague about my past and my present.

I've tried to show a brave face and keep the past there...

But things have a way of coming back to you...especially if you try to keep them buried.

You can't escape your past at all....not one little bit.  

I forgave...that's not the problem.  

The problem is people keep repeating the past...even if they don't try to.

When I was 14, my parents both admitted they didn't want me.  I was a sophmore in high school and homeless for the first time.  I traveled from house to house, sometimes with only the clothes on my back and my school books.  It took me 25 years to mend fences with my mom, and I'm still working on it with my dad.  Yes, I forgave them a long time ago for what they did, but the relationships take longer to heal.

Fast forward to this past winter when I moved into my van.  I had been working on my relationship with my mom for the past five years...she kept begging me to move in, she didn't want to see me houseless.  It was too cold, and she was worried about me.  She asked me to move in with her, so I thought I could trust her and I did.

Now, I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason...and maybe I am meant to learn something from all this, but I still don't know what that is, but I will learn it...even if I don't know I'm learning it.

Things were good for a while...but then her other caregiver decided that she didn't like me, maybe, that she didn't want me around...I'm still trying to figure that one out.  She manipulated my mother into thinking that I was stealing from her, and that's one thing that doesn't ever cross my mind.  

So, what happens...well...that's a whole other can of worms...that got opened.  I sew and craft.  I also got invited to a music festival over Halloween weekend...so as a late birthday present I was told to go...if I had only known...

I came back, and all my sewing supplies, everything was tossed into a box and put right on the inside of my bedroom door.  Then, the other caregiver took a picture (maybe plenty of them) of the mess....YES, I CAME BACK TO A HUGE MESS.

So, I was understanably upset after having to clean the mess, and also taking care of my mom because I was told that there would be people going by and taking care of her...no one did.  

The next day, it started...I fell and hurt my wrist...really bad sprain.  On that Tuesday, my mom begged me to go to the ER for it, which I finally did.  During that trip to the ER, apparently she hired not one, but TWO more caregivers...and wasn't going to tell me I was out of a job until after I had taken to her appointment that day...talk about used!!!

So, the other caregiver decided that I was dangerous, and called her husband over...and that's when the bullying and harassment began...The things that happened, the things that were said...the things that were allowed to happen...I can't believe that a mother would allow that to happen to her daughter.  

So, I happily volunteered to leave as soon as I got paid...I had put every penny I had into the household, so I didn't have any money...you would think if they want someone to leave they wouldn't interfere with them leaving...boy...wrong again.

So, I retreated to my room, too scared to come out....not allowed to eat...nothing...YES, I WENT HUNGRY FOR OVER A WEEK BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULDN'T ALLOW ME TO EAT THE FOOD I BOUGHT!!!

The day before I got paid, they tried to have my van towed.  I literally said I would push it out into the street if I couldn't get it started...thank God it started and I moved it to the next parking lot, but SERIOUSLY???? Tow my only means of moving out of your house???

So, I know this is being really stubborn, but...I decided I'm not going to leave right away.  They had already called the landlord to have me evicted, I'm going to "stay" there until I have a court order saying I have to leave...which will happen in a couple of weeks but it allows me time to move my stuff the right way.  

So, after all this, I'm in my van again...and my trust is BROKEN.  My van is my safe place...I feel secure there.  IT'S MY CHOICE!!!

A year ago, when I was faced with living in my van, I was scared...uncertain.  Today, I am happy I'm in my van, though I do need to do a little more to make it home.  First thing is a bed...sleeping on the floor of the van is hard on my back...LOL and it's very hard to get up in the morning.  I have a warm sleeping bag, it may not be the best, and I do have to bundle, but I stayed warm when it got down to freezing last night.  I have plans to leave my safety zone and explore the state, then the US.  I plan on joining my fellow van dwellers in January.  I plan on making this blog more about my adventures, because this life is an adventure.  It may be crazy and hectic, but no one will be able to hurt me anymore!!!!!

For You

Hello!

This is to one person, but I don't mind sharing it with everyone.

I was told that you're angry at me, and at your dad, and to tell you the truth, YOU have every right to be angry!!!  Please remember that.

I want to tell you what happened.  But first I want to tell you about me, and how I miss you so much and think about you every single day.

I was in town one day last year and followed you at a very discreet distance for a little bit.  Your grandparents have done a great job raising you.  

When I think about you every day, I wonder what you like?  Is your favorite color still pink?  Do you still like vegetables more than meat?  

Little One, I wish I had been there, I wanted to be there, but every time I asked, I was threatened with a restraining order.   

I've heard you're curious about your brothers.  You are the middle child.  BooBoo is older than you, and his dad died a couple years ago.  He also has a beautiful daughter that looks just like him.

Then there's Monster.  I call him Monster because with our last name of Cook, he was gonna get called Cookie, and then Cookie Monster...I made it a good thing.  

Your older brother likes to fish, and lives in Nebraska.  I haven't seen him since he was 4 either....his dad disappeared with him even though we had shared custody.  And, I didn't want him to continue to see the fighting all the time so I just stepped back.  Some people may think I'm a horrible person for letting his dad have him and not fight all the time, but imagine that all you see is your parents fighting. I didn't want him to grow up with that, so I stepped back and let his dad give him what stability he could.  

And, you.  My precious little girl.  That first year after I lost you was very hard.  And see, your grandparents helped your dad pay for the divorce...they got him an attorney and everything, and I was stuck trying to scrape by with just eating...I couldn't afford an attorney and they took advantage of that and terminated my parental rights.  I never NEVER, NOT EVER...wanted to give you up like that.  I can remember the day they let me see you in a supervised setting...I was so happy.  But then when it was time to leave I help myself together long enough to get on the highway, then I pulled over and cried so hard I threw up.  There were many many days of that it was all I could do to get out of bed, and to go on with my lift.  It was hard.  

There is another testimony that I want to tell you, but that is not for today.  Today is for me introducing myself to you again.  What a beautiful young woman you've turned into...yes I have seen a couple of pictures, before your dad realized I could see them.  

At the same time, I wish your grandmother would accept my apology and at least talk to me.  My sister has my number, all you have to do is ask for it.  

I would like to propose a meeting.  If your grandmother would allow it, the location of her choice, and as many witnesses as she would like.  I do know how to behave myself and will not be destructive or rude in any way.  I can sit there and talk to them face to face in a calm manner...it's taken me the better part of the last 40 years to work on that, and there are still times where all the self control in the world doesn't help.  

It's taken me a long time...I was married again.  We had a good life, and then one day he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore.  I still haven't graduated college...Life keeps getting in the way.  I have a very good job right now, and even though I have a weird place, it's all mine.  I love taking pictures, and making things, and if your Nana could see me today she wouldn't recognize me.  I crochet, I sew, I bind books, I do make jewelry.  

I really, really wish I didn't miss all these years

We can't change the past, but we can work on the future.  I want to say I"m sorry.  I"m sorry I didn't fight for you harder, and I"m sorry I let your grandparents run me out of town.  I also want you to know that I love your dad very much.  Again, he's someone that I wish would just take five minutes and talk to me...Everyone makes mistakes, and yes I made a lot of them but, you know what?  I learn from my mistakes.  Your grandmother meant a lot to me and to have this silence when I looked up to her was heartwrenching.  I don't even think she would recognize me if she saw me on the street.

But, back to you.  I don't know if you've ever heard of the Mason's or Eastern Star, but you have a right to join Eastern Star and Rainbow Girls if you want.  I am your affiliation.  

Another thing...I think this will surprise your dad even.  While I don't play YuGiGo like he does, I do play Magic the Gathering.  I'm working on a constume for a Con of some sort.  Again, if only he would talk to me...he's someone else that I miss every single day.  But that's neither here nor there...what matters is that you have questions, and while I may not have all the answers, I will certainly try to answer them for you.  Know that you are 1/4 Mexican, and I"m very proud of that part for you.  

I work and have the same days off every week.  I have a set schedule, and I usually go out of town on my days off.  The reason I haven't gone to San Antonio as much as the other places is because it hurts...A LOT to go there.  I believe in second chances, or third chances, or even fourth chances....And I pray every day that your grandparents forgive me...that sooner or later they will call me and say it's time.  I learned so much from them that I still use to this day.  

I also want to let you know there are a couple of pictures that I hold near to me every day.  One sits in my van, and one sits in my Bible.  The one in the van is the picture of you that your Nana put in a small silver frame for me.  The other other one is a snapshot that I took one day when you were on the back porch of their old house.  You had on that hat that you used to love and the sun was just perfectly shining on you.  

I'm going to stop for now.  If you want to email me, you can...it's marcimallow at yahoo dot com and if you want to leave any comments, they're always on "get approval" before they get posted, and I won't post any of your comments.  Hopefully you can talk to me soon and hopefully I can talk to you on the phone.  

My wonderful little girl...For 14 years, my heart has ached.  I've been looking forward to your 18th birthday because that is when I could legally talk to you without your grandparents interfering.  

I miss them...I miss you...very very much!  I know that nothing I say or do will make up for these past 14 years, but please, please know that losing you just about killed me...LITERALLY!

I hope this wasn't information overload for you, and anytime you want to learn something, just ask.

You are my dear sweet daughter, and I hope to see you again, soon.  

Wordless Wednesday

Christmas Shopping in Texas

Most of my friends and fans are saying it's cold outside.  

Yesterday, we were experiencing severe weather.

Like...Tornado weather!

That didn't bother Mike.  He told me, let's go eat something so we can do Christmas shopping.

Now, when Mike says shopping, I jump at the chance.  He would rather do ANYTHING before going shopping.

Like.  Anything.

So, we went to the Lufkin Mall.  It's not big, but hey, it's what we have in this itty bitty town.

We go into one store and I see it started raining again, so I say "lets go and look at something else", you know...to try to kill time until the rain stops.

The problem with that was...we had already bought the gifts we needed to get.

So, Mike said lets go look at those earrings again that we looked at last week.

Hey, the man is buying me JEWELRY...I'm not saying NO!

We head down to the store, talk to the same associate that we talked to last week.

He remembered us but couldn't exactly remember where the earrings were.  

Sooooo...we're looking.

We've got it narrowed down to a few different pair, and we're comparing them.  

All of a sudden, all three of use notice that the wind is picking up and the rain is coming down harder.

Now, we live in East Texas.  When there is a severe storm warning, everyone usually just goes about their business because we get severe storms ALL THE TIME.  No biggie right?

NOT!

Right after we said that the wind was picking up, it got really windy.  Like, shaking the ceiling windows windy.  Right above the Santa picture area.

The associate tells us to come into the store at that time because we were on the outside part of the display, which was on the corner of the store.  He quickly locked the earrings up again, and ushered us into the store.  Right at that time, the lights went out and the wind really rattled everything.  Everyone was running into the stores and away from those windows.  

I've never been shopping during severe weather, and I wasn't really scared...though the little kids that ran into the store with their parents were.  So, Mike and I did what we do best (apparently), we started asking the kids questions about anything to get their minds off of being scared.  There was a little girl with reindeer antlers and a kitty cat shirt on that we just started asking her questions about her antlers and shirt.  Her parents looked at us with that profound look of "THANK YOU"!!

It was over in a few minutes.  It was a shopping trip I will never forget.  And that little girl probably won't forget it either.  But, I got my Christmas present.  Yeah, I know it's not Christmas yet, but when you're there while it's being bought from your husband, you really don't want to wait!  Especially with these pretty earrings.  OMG they're so sparkly!!! LOL  

So What? Does the Military really care?

You know, you hear of the soldiers with TBI and they get the treatment and the “classification” IF their TBI was actually diagnosed while they were still active duty.  But, what about those that retired right after they come back?  What about those that it didn’t even cross their mind that they might have gotten injured, and it was found out after they retired?  We know that my husband has a TBI; we know that he has PTSD.  The PTSD has been verified.  With the TBI, the best we could get out of the doctors is “it may or may not” have been from their service.  The question I have is this.  Where the hell else would my husband have gotten his head shaken so bad and on such a regular basis that the ventricles closed up and he has Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus.  Does anyone know why we’re having such a hard time getting the disability, and why we’re slowly drowning in our bills?  It’s because after his first surgery for a shunt, he became so ill, that we really were not worried about filling out the “required paperwork” for his disability.  Really, Uncle Sam…my husband means the world to me, and if he is in the hospital with the doctors baffled as to why he was so sick to begin with (they found the infection after he was in the hospital for a couple of days) why would you think that me sending in the paperwork with the exact instances of his experiences on time?  So, of course, all disability from the military got denied.  ALL OF IT!  The best we can hope for now is that they at least expedite his appeal, and from what we’ve been told, the “expedite” service can take at least two years!!!!

Now, because his TBI has not been “classified” as a service related injury, we do not (let me repeat that…DO NOT) qualify for any type of extra help.  He doesn’t get any therapy whatsoever for his brain injury.  Everything that has been done has been done by me, and there’s only so much that I can do.  Yes, I’m classified as a caregiver for my husband, but because he’s high functioning with his TBI, and we’ve found small ways to cope with this, and (oh yeah let’s not forget this one) it’s not “related” to his service YET, I get no outside help.  I pay the bills, I handle all the appointments, I help him with his schoolwork because he is determined to not let his TBI stop him.  So, on top of all that, I also have a 2 year old to take care of and a house to keep clean.  And let’s not forget the three times each week I stay up until 3 AM to help him with his homework, and then get up at 4 because our son doesn’t sleep through the night yet, and then again get up at 6am because that’s what time my son wakes up for the day.  There is very little time to take care of me.  I don’t get the respite care that other people with TBI get.  I don’t get the respite care that we so desperately need.  Instead, I’m a mom, a caregiver, a tutor, a secretary, a wife ALL THE TIME!

There’s only so much a person can handle until they break down, and guess what…I’m only holding on by a hair.  We’re in the process of losing our house, and very close to losing the truck also.  We haven’t had any funds to get more chickens for our farm because they were all killed last year while he was in the hospital.  I don’t know what it’s like to be able to take a day and get a manicure or pedicure, or even get a haircut and spend time just with me.  I’m too busy taking care of my husband and my son.  When I married my husband, I said for better or worse, and in sickness and in health…and I’m still here and would never leave my husband.  But, I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish there was some way for us to qualify for the respite care that others get…it all stems back to not being classified as a “service related” disability. 

I get on average of about 3-5 hours of sleep a night.  I help my husband with his homework so that he can at least get some sleep.  To help with our finances, I’ve started entering sweepstakes and contests.  A lot of those prizes that I do happen to win, I usually sell to pay our bills.  There are people that are able to go to Washington and tell the president, “Hey, we need help.”  And they are great advocates.  But what about those of use that are barely surviving?  What about those of use that have fallen through the cracks?  When do I get my respite?  When can I take a day and just relax?  Instead, I worry constantly about our bills.  I worry constantly about my husband.  I worry constantly about how to take care of our son.  I’ve become very thrifty.  I’ve learned how to use coupons.  We eat very cheap, like most of the time it’s rice and beans.  We let other things go, like my dental work.  In order to get our dental insurance it would be another $77 a month our of our already small checks.  So, I’m afraid to smile because of a broken tooth. 

I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful son.  My life has been very blessed.  At least my husband can function at the level that he does.  He is able to go to school with modifications.  If you were to look at him, you wouldn’t even know he has a brain injury.  But, when you talk to him, and he forgets what you say or you see him walk, and he doesn’t walk a straight line, that’s when you know.  That’s when you realize that any sense of normal left my life three years ago when his brain injury was detected.  Before then, he was taking on average of twenty aspirin a day, just to deal with the headaches.  You see in the papers, that the military is taking steps to get the soldiers their disability sooner…but how many can even hope to hold on to what they have when they’re unable to do the things they used to do.  What about the ones that are struggling to just SURVIVE?  Not to mention, what about those that the military agrees are caretakers?  Do I get a paycheck for taking care of my husband?  NO!  Do I get any days off, or any time to myself?  NO!  Do I get any recognition for all that I do or training to make some of it easier?  NO…everything that I’ve learned, everything that I use to help us, I found on my own, and have devised on our own. 

My husband served this country for 20 years!  He was in two wars, and has over ten different combat patches.  What do we have to show for this?  Over draft every week trying to survive, arrangements with the different bill companies to pay past the due date, and one VERY VERY VERY tired wife.  So, while everyone is focused on those soldiers that get injured in active duty, maybe they should also pay attention to those that the injury doesn’t show up until after they’ve retired or been discharged?  And especially those that don’t live close to any VA Hospital for the therapy that would benefit them?  There is a great need to look at those soldiers that are barely surviving on their own, without all the programs that are “designed” to help them!  Maybe our military should remember those soldiers!!  Maybe the military should also remember those that they have already said are caretakers, yet we don’t get paid one single penny!!  Those that are slowly falling apart because they’re doing way more than is humanly possible!  Maybe you should notice those spouses?  Notice that they are slowly falling apart!!