Dear You

Hello again!  

Yes, I've been MIA.  Yes, I've neglected my poor blog.  I'm hoping to be back now though.  

In the meantime, I have a letter to write.  The person that this is to will know it's them when and if they read it.  If not, it will be here and let you know how I've been doing.

So...here goes...

Dear You,

   You came into my life at a time when I wanted nothing to do with a relationship, or even friendship.  You stayed with me every day, even though I said I didn't want this.  You wormed your way into my life.  That was my mistake.  I actually let you in.  And for that, I'm sorry.  But, everything else is on you.  The jobs you didn't keep, the things you blamed on me that you didn't do.  Staying up all night playing your video game, when I tried (very hard I might add) to get you to go and take care of some business.  Business that you finally took care of after I left you, and yes, I LEFT YOU!!!  

   It's been almost a year since we parted ways.  That year (from what I hear) has been way easier on you than it was on me.  See, I put everything into this relationship.  I thought you loved me, even though you swore up and down you never did.  I allowed you to get into my life, and that's on me.  So, yes, this year has been hard on me.  But, do you want to know what I've discovered?

  I've discovered that I can go on.  I've discovered that I am worthy.  I've discovered that I can do a lot of things on my own, even if it's very very hard.  I DECIDED to finally go to Austin.  And that was the best choice I ever made.  It may be tough, hell, life is tough.  I may be lonely, but at least I'm lonely and not being exploited anymore.  It took me the better part of six months to finally get my medications straightened out because you were overdosing me on all my medicines.  Without you, my finances are actually better.  I'm able to at least save a little money and have some extra throughout the month.  

  I've discovered that people actually like my art and want to buy it.  I've discovered that I am worthy.  I am worthy of love and respect, two things that you never gave me.  I've discovered that I am self reliant.  I make my own choices, and I do not need anyone to be with me when I eat at a restaurant or spend a night out.  I am perfectly capable of doing this stuff on my own.  

  I have made friends.  I have made not friends.  I have worked hard to get to where I am, by myself.  You see, when I met you, I had a plan, and you gave me a detour from that plan.  I don't blame you for that because I know that it was what was supposed to happen.  I do blame you for lying to me.  I do blame you for hurting me, just because you could.  I do blame you for making me choose my own independence or having you do everything for me.  

   You got angry with me when I told you about the appointment I had for housing that was made the DAY I LEFT....correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you ask me to leave?  That appointment was made almost exactly one hour before we broke up.  Why didn't I tell you about it?  Would it have changed your mind?  Would you have stayed and continue to use me?  See, this is why I think you got so angry at me for not telling you about that appointment...because it was what we were working on.  And, Yes, when I got stuck in Temple, i did cancel the appointment...again....you have no say in this because you had already decided you didn't want to be with me any more.  

Continued, January 18, 2026...

You see, I'm doing something with my life.  I'm actually doing things.  Yes, I would love to talk to you, and I'm grown up enough to actually be friends.  What about you?  I hear your girlfriend is pregnant.  I'm sincerely happy for you.  I know the general area where you live and I wonder how you got a place there with TWO evictions on your credit.  Again, it doesn't matter to me because I am working on my life.  

I have already had some great accomplishments.  I've collaborated with a company here to provide some of my artwork for them.  I'm in one of the fundraising videos for Art From The Streets this year.  I've started my own social media.  Yes, this is what I never expected.  I expected to be driving for Uber and Lyft again, but your jealousy cut that out.  I expected to already be in my apartment, but again....that takes time.  I finally got time and I'm making the best of it.  

I realized something today...Yes, there are people that know me.   There are people that worry about me if I'm not around for a while.  So, while you're going on with your life, SO AM I.  And, I'm doing so much better by myself.  Anyway, congratulations on the baby.  

Yes, I miss you.  Yes, there are moments every day when I think of you.  But, it hurts a little less and one day I may look back on our time together and smile.  

Me 

Updates and things...

So what have I been up to?

Not much...

Since February, I've been trying to get a new wheelchair and braces to be more mobile...

Yesterday I got confirmation that my wheelchair is being ordered....braces are still in the process with insurance.  YES....it takes that long to get the things we need if you have Medicare.

I'm still trying to find a job...I wish I could find something...anything to be productive.

I'm still trying to get a car.  I really, REALLY miss driving Uber/Lyft.   

I've got a new apartment after the fiasco at the last apartment.  

They just said they wanted ME gone....no money ordered no nothing...sooo.

NEW APARTMENT....

The Landlord made me buy my own ramp, and wants me to take it in when I'm not using it...but I'm not going to.  Then, the apartment was placed on facebook marketplace for $750 and he's charging us $800 per month.  This is partially because we're getting some help with rent for a couple months.

Why, you ask, do I not immediately file a complaint with Fair Housing?  Because, the landlord also put a clause in our lease that says I cannot file a complaint...which is illegal in itself, but, HEY, I'm trying to make this work.  (If anyone out there wants to help me with this, I'm open to suggestions...I really like this area and don't want to be evicted as soon as I've moved in)

Jacob and I have had our bumps, and a really big one in August that almost was the end of us, but we perservered.  And are still together.  

Oh yeah, I was hit by a car on Sept 19, my sisters birthday.  It was a hit and run, but we were able to find the driver...only to have him not have insurance.  He told the police he had insurance, however, it had lapsed.  My power chair has a bend frame from this and I now need a new one.  

Not only that, but I GOT A TICKET for using the street when a sidewalk was available!!! AVAILABLE DOES NOT MEAN ACCESSIBLE!!!  One end of the sidewalk was good and ADA compliant, however the other end was not, and the officer only looked at the one end.  I feel that this ticket, and the fact that the responding officer did not file a police report and didn't get the three witnesses information, is the reason that Bell County is NOT PROSECUTING the person that hit me, even though he admitted it.  So, I'm stuck trying to replace a power wheelchair. (And then there's the ambulance and emergency room bill.)  The ticket has since been dismissed because they actually looked up ADA laws and determined the sidewalk was inaccessible....YA THINK!!!!

Again....if anyone has suggestions...I'm all ears on this one.  We are thinking of starting a fundraiser for replacing the wheelchair, however, I have not had much luck with these in the past and am hesitant about this.  

We're thinking of trying TikTok to generate some income, with videos about how I do things and of course our crazy life together...we may start that soon.

Anyway...that's my life in the past couple months.  My goal is to start posting on my blog more and actually being present here because I really do miss this.  

How do the Homeless "Stay at Home"?

This has really been bothering me.

There are so many people that are out there helping others, no matter how small that is.

I am giving rides to a friend that just got a job, and is trying to keep it.

However, this is keeping me from being able to go to the local homeless shelter, because they demand that I be there by a certain time, and that runs into the time I get my friend from work.

I've already given him my word that I will continue to give him rides, because at least he's trying.

What about the homeless in this time?

The places where we usually eat and spend our time are closed.

The food banks are closed.

There's no way for us to cook what food we do get from the food banks, if we were able to get them.

This is a Country build on the Christian faith.  We came here to escape persecution, and practice our religious beliefs, and I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible (I'm not good at quotes like that) to help thy neighbor.  Aren't the homeless your neighbors?  

No matter what your opinion of them, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle, or their life choices, they are still people.  For me, I just want a shower...others may be a floor to sleep on, a bed would be fantastic!

I'm not going to stop helping my friend because it's the right thing to do.

No one else has stepped up to help him with rides to work.

No one else has even wondered if any of us are OK.

I haven't gotten calls from any family, text messages from friends...

My phone has been so silent, that at times I wonder if it's still working.

I'm more lucky than most.

I have a cot to sleep on, some shelter (even if it does leak), and I can get electricity.

However, my main source of food (through agreements and working odd jobs) closed yesterday.

So, now I'm worried...how am I going to survive this week with no food, and no money to get food.

I should be good once the end of the month hits and I get paid, but until then...I have nothing.

People who I thought were friends, have turned their backs on me.

People who I thought were good Christian people, that would do what is right, have been so absorbed in their own worlds, they've forgotten there are others less fortunate.

Even with the social distancing, I'm sure you make dinner...I'm sure you have some leftovers...how hard would it be to take those leftovers, and find someone that has nowhere to go, nothing to eat...Even if you leave it on a table for them, maintain the 6 foot distance, just let them know that you care and that you're trying.

I went to the park yesterday and saw three families go there and play...how about while you're out on your walk or something, you take some food and drink to the person you KNOW to be homeless and you KNOW where they hang out.  I promise you, we're creatures of habit...we will stay under our bridges, in our parking lot...wherever we feel safe, because we do feel safe there.  

And this whole shelter in place...how the heck can we "Shelter in Place" when we are threatened with a Criminal Trespass if we stay there, or we're told to leave...how many places do you know of that people used to spend their time there, only to have those places closed now?

My rant is over...I'm going to post this and cry a little more, because everything that I was taught growing up about being kind to others, about taking care of others, about treating others how you would want to be treated...Yeah, none of it is happening.  So, I will watch others Facebook live videos, I will participate, I will joke like nothing is wrong...but by myself...I cry...I"m beginning to lose that part of myself that wants to help others...that has faith.

P.S.  No I'm not asking for anything.  I have a place to sleep, and a place to park, even if it's only at night and I have to find somewhere else to go during the day.  I would love to just stay here for a couple of days and get things figured out, but was told it is only at night.  

I Am Officially Homeless

Well, it's happened.  The time came and went and still, I had no options.  

I did have wonderful friends that helped me move my stuff into a trailer for storage until I find a place.

I did have wonderful friends that invited me to brunch to take my mind off things for a little while, and they also wanted to see the Wesley Foundation, that has done so much for me so far.

And, I'm more fortunate than most...I at least had a car that I could sleep in.  

It may not be ideal, but at least it kept me from the elements, because, boy it got cold last night.  Even the covers in my car didn't help much.  I have about 45 minutes before the student center opens up, and I know I can go and change there, along with use my meal plan and get some breakfast...oh yeah and get WARM!

When I do eat, I'm going to have to charge my smart drive because it's getting down on battery levels.  

I have been very humbled throughout all of this, and I know that God has a plan for me.  

I want to forgive my landlords and roommate, but right now I'm not ready to.  There were oral agreements made, and the landlords committed breach of contract with those.  The roommate is just acting like a spoiled brat (in my opinion).  Yes, I'm not perfect but SERIOUSLY...it was one argument and I was only behind $150 on rent....which they agreed to work with me on until I get my social security.  

One of the landlords did talk to me last week (and made me late to class) and said that because the lease had "NO DOGS ALLOWED" underlined and highlighted, they did not have to let Rainie stay there.  Guess what guys, she was a service dog, and an emotional support dog...she didn't count as a dog, and what was done was against the law.  There is no way to get out of it...what they didn't know was when the mediator went to them for a settlement of some sort, I was so desperate I would have accepted just about anything.  I'm more desperate now, but there's really not much more that can be done to me that I haven't already gone through.  

Give me a couple of weeks, and things will be better...and honestly, besides the cold, this isn't too bad.  I haven't been sleeping well anyway lately, and this actually isn't all that uncomfortable.  I miss my son, and I miss his dad.  If given the choice to not go through this, I think I would stay on the path that God has set for me.  The "hardships" are not really hard when you know you have something to look forward to, or even something to work towards.  I have both.  I know this is temporary and I know that I will still be going to school despite everything that is going on.  Now, it's time to go and find myself some clothes for today, and go change, then head to the school for some breakfast.  

i. can. do. this.

i. am. not. broken. yet.

As long as I remember these two things, then I will be fine.  

Also, here is the gofundme that my friend Marissa started for me.