Sunday, February 24, 2019

For You


This is to one person, but I don't mind sharing it with everyone.

I was told that you're angry at me, and at your dad, and to tell you the truth, YOU have every right to be angry!!!  Please remember that.

I want to tell you what happened.  But first I want to tell you about me, and how I miss you so much and think about you every single day.

I was in town one day last year and followed you at a very discreet distance for a little bit.  Your grandparents have done a great job raising you.  

When I think about you every day, I wonder what you like?  Is your favorite color still pink?  Do you still like vegetables more than meat?  

Little One, I wish I had been there, I wanted to be there, but every time I asked, I was threatened with a restraining order.   

I've heard you're curious about your brothers.  You are the middle child.  BooBoo is older than you, and his dad died a couple years ago.  He also has a beautiful daughter that looks just like him.

Then there's Monster.  I call him Monster because with our last name of Cook, he was gonna get called Cookie, and then Cookie Monster...I made it a good thing.  

Your older brother likes to fish, and lives in Nebraska.  I haven't seen him since he was 4 either....his dad disappeared with him even though we had shared custody.  And, I didn't want him to continue to see the fighting all the time so I just stepped back.  Some people may think I'm a horrible person for letting his dad have him and not fight all the time, but imagine that all you see is your parents fighting. I didn't want him to grow up with that, so I stepped back and let his dad give him what stability he could.  

And, you.  My precious little girl.  That first year after I lost you was very hard.  And see, your grandparents helped your dad pay for the divorce...they got him an attorney and everything, and I was stuck trying to scrape by with just eating...I couldn't afford an attorney and they took advantage of that and terminated my parental rights.  I never NEVER, NOT EVER...wanted to give you up like that.  I can remember the day they let me see you in a supervised setting...I was so happy.  But then when it was time to leave I help myself together long enough to get on the highway, then I pulled over and cried so hard I threw up.  There were many many days of that it was all I could do to get out of bed, and to go on with my lift.  It was hard.  

There is another testimony that I want to tell you, but that is not for today.  Today is for me introducing myself to you again.  What a beautiful young woman you've turned into...yes I have seen a couple of pictures, before your dad realized I could see them.  

At the same time, I wish your grandmother would accept my apology and at least talk to me.  My sister has my number, all you have to do is ask for it.  

I would like to propose a meeting.  If your grandmother would allow it, the location of her choice, and as many witnesses as she would like.  I do know how to behave myself and will not be destructive or rude in any way.  I can sit there and talk to them face to face in a calm's taken me the better part of the last 40 years to work on that, and there are still times where all the self control in the world doesn't help.  

It's taken me a long time...I was married again.  We had a good life, and then one day he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore.  I still haven't graduated college...Life keeps getting in the way.  I have a very good job right now, and even though I have a weird place, it's all mine.  I love taking pictures, and making things, and if your Nana could see me today she wouldn't recognize me.  I crochet, I sew, I bind books, I do make jewelry.  

I really, really wish I didn't miss all these years
We can't change the past, but we can work on the future.  I want to say I"m sorry.  I"m sorry I didn't fight for you harder, and I"m sorry I let your grandparents run me out of town.  I also want you to know that I love your dad very much.  Again, he's someone that I wish would just take five minutes and talk to me...Everyone makes mistakes, and yes I made a lot of them but, you know what?  I learn from my mistakes.  Your grandmother meant a lot to me and to have this silence when I looked up to her was heartwrenching.  I don't even think she would recognize me if she saw me on the street.

But, back to you.  I don't know if you've ever heard of the Mason's or Eastern Star, but you have a right to join Eastern Star and Rainbow Girls if you want.  I am your affiliation.  

Another thing...I think this will surprise your dad even.  While I don't play YuGiGo like he does, I do play Magic the Gathering.  I'm working on a constume for a Con of some sort.  Again, if only he would talk to me...he's someone else that I miss every single day.  But that's neither here nor there...what matters is that you have questions, and while I may not have all the answers, I will certainly try to answer them for you.  Know that you are 1/4 Mexican, and I"m very proud of that part for you.  

I work and have the same days off every week.  I have a set schedule, and I usually go out of town on my days off.  The reason I haven't gone to San Antonio as much as the other places is because it hurts...A LOT to go there.  I believe in second chances, or third chances, or even fourth chances....And I pray every day that your grandparents forgive me...that sooner or later they will call me and say it's time.  I learned so much from them that I still use to this day.  

I also want to let you know there are a couple of pictures that I hold near to me every day.  One sits in my van, and one sits in my Bible.  The one in the van is the picture of you that your Nana put in a small silver frame for me.  The other other one is a snapshot that I took one day when you were on the back porch of their old house.  You had on that hat that you used to love and the sun was just perfectly shining on you.  

I'm going to stop for now.  If you want to email me, you's marcimallow at yahoo dot com and if you want to leave any comments, they're always on "get approval" before they get posted, and I won't post any of your comments.  Hopefully you can talk to me soon and hopefully I can talk to you on the phone.  

My wonderful little girl...For 14 years, my heart has ached.  I've been looking forward to your 18th birthday because that is when I could legally talk to you without your grandparents interfering.  

I miss them...I miss you...very very much!  I know that nothing I say or do will make up for these past 14 years, but please, please know that losing you just about killed me...LITERALLY!

I hope this wasn't information overload for you, and anytime you want to learn something, just ask.

You are my dear sweet daughter, and I hope to see you again, soon.