**I had written this and was going to mail it to you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on. I will not hide from you anymore.**
First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me. So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.
Second, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself. Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people? I think about that every day. When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start." Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.
Do you remember the plans we had? That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted. I'm sorry that won't happen. I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward. However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me. YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT! ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there. Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month. The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends. Just to say "I'm Sorry". And I haven't even been able to do that.
What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME. I NEVER thought that you would do this. We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go and yet it was US. And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist. Now, after everything...I'm alone.
You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you. I would have moved mountains for you. Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.
I have to say, I miss being with you. And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead. I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO". I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing. This way, we can both move on and heal.
There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you. I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.
So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you. I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance." This is the only way I can survive. The only way I can get some sense of being OK. Because this is NOT OK for me. My life is not OK. There is a huge hole now in my life.
There are some things a woman hides in her heart. Missing you is going to be one of them. I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away. People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes. People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all. I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.
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