How do the Homeless "Stay at Home"?

This has really been bothering me.

There are so many people that are out there helping others, no matter how small that is.

I am giving rides to a friend that just got a job, and is trying to keep it.

However, this is keeping me from being able to go to the local homeless shelter, because they demand that I be there by a certain time, and that runs into the time I get my friend from work.

I've already given him my word that I will continue to give him rides, because at least he's trying.

What about the homeless in this time?

The places where we usually eat and spend our time are closed.

The food banks are closed.

There's no way for us to cook what food we do get from the food banks, if we were able to get them.

This is a Country build on the Christian faith.  We came here to escape persecution, and practice our religious beliefs, and I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible (I'm not good at quotes like that) to help thy neighbor.  Aren't the homeless your neighbors?  

No matter what your opinion of them, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle, or their life choices, they are still people.  For me, I just want a shower...others may be a floor to sleep on, a bed would be fantastic!

I'm not going to stop helping my friend because it's the right thing to do.

No one else has stepped up to help him with rides to work.

No one else has even wondered if any of us are OK.

I haven't gotten calls from any family, text messages from friends...

My phone has been so silent, that at times I wonder if it's still working.

I'm more lucky than most.

I have a cot to sleep on, some shelter (even if it does leak), and I can get electricity.

However, my main source of food (through agreements and working odd jobs) closed yesterday.

So, now I'm worried...how am I going to survive this week with no food, and no money to get food.

I should be good once the end of the month hits and I get paid, but until then...I have nothing.

People who I thought were friends, have turned their backs on me.

People who I thought were good Christian people, that would do what is right, have been so absorbed in their own worlds, they've forgotten there are others less fortunate.

Even with the social distancing, I'm sure you make dinner...I'm sure you have some leftovers...how hard would it be to take those leftovers, and find someone that has nowhere to go, nothing to eat...Even if you leave it on a table for them, maintain the 6 foot distance, just let them know that you care and that you're trying.

I went to the park yesterday and saw three families go there and play...how about while you're out on your walk or something, you take some food and drink to the person you KNOW to be homeless and you KNOW where they hang out.  I promise you, we're creatures of habit...we will stay under our bridges, in our parking lot...wherever we feel safe, because we do feel safe there.  

And this whole shelter in place...how the heck can we "Shelter in Place" when we are threatened with a Criminal Trespass if we stay there, or we're told to leave...how many places do you know of that people used to spend their time there, only to have those places closed now?

My rant is over...I'm going to post this and cry a little more, because everything that I was taught growing up about being kind to others, about taking care of others, about treating others how you would want to be treated...Yeah, none of it is happening.  So, I will watch others Facebook live videos, I will participate, I will joke like nothing is wrong...but by myself...I cry...I"m beginning to lose that part of myself that wants to help others...that has faith.

P.S.  No I'm not asking for anything.  I have a place to sleep, and a place to park, even if it's only at night and I have to find somewhere else to go during the day.  I would love to just stay here for a couple of days and get things figured out, but was told it is only at night.  

I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

You see...when you lose soeone, you are supposed to have time to grieve.  Me, however, I never had that chance...I had to continue and try to maintain some sense of normal..  I had to continue in school, I had to fight for a place to live...I had to survive.

So, for the past year and a half, I've been in survival mode...and not too many people realize that.  They expected me to be OK, but guess what...I'M NOT!!!

It is a daily struggle to wake up and know that I wasn't good enough to be a wife, that I wans't worth the time it took to say "f*** you, I don't want to be with you anymore"...and yet all this time, I haven't been able to grieve.

When I lost Emily, I pretended like everything was OK, that I didn't just lose my only daughter...I tried to go on, and it almost killed me...LITERALLY. 

Then, June 2015 I came home to my current nightmare.  While trying to continue school, and pretend that everything is OK, my life has been falling apart.  You can't build a house on quicksand and expect it to not sink.  The same is true for a person whose heart and soul have been shartered.  I was too busy trying to pretend nothing was wrong that I lost myself.  

My security was stolen, my trust was shattered and my sense of safety was thrown out the window.  What was left?  My faith?  I'm holding on to that by a thread.

And, during this whole time I've not had one person say "It's going to be OK Marci, please just cry on my shoulder"...NOT ONE!

See, inside every adult there is still this little child that wants to be held when they're hurting and scared, and I've lived the past year and a half scared to death.

I haven't had the time to crawl under the table and get my bearings...I haven't had the time to mourn anything.  I've just had to survive...and a person can only live in survival mode for so long before they crack...and guess what??? I'm there!

NO, IT'S NOT THE STRESS OF TAKING 15 HOURS, OR BEING TOO INVOLVED...THAT IS WHAT HAS KEPT ME SANE...I've been too busy to think about what I've lost, and believe me it's a lot more than you think.  When you have a parent that chases you down the block with a butcher knife, you have to take a little extra time to find your safe spot...if you even have one.  I had one, or so I thought...however, I haven't been able to get back there since my life fell apart.  I've had to pretend to be strong because others were counting on me...others were looking up at me....never realizing that that pillar that I was standing on had cracks everywhere and it was only a matter of time before it crashed down.  And yet, when it does crash, I'm still expected to go on like nothing is happening.  

There are very few people that really KNOW me.  I've been guarded most of my adult life because of what happened to me as a child.  When you grow up in an abused house, you have no safety anywhere.  For me, it was always crawling under a table or a desk...some place where I could fit and feel secure.  

Not once have I had a person just sit with me and let me cry and grieve for all that I've lost this past year and a half...

NOT.

ONE.

TIME.

NEVER.

And maybe it's asking too much of people...maybe its too much for me to say, "look, I lost everything that was my security...please, just let me cry it out, let me be that little girl that needa a shoulder,"

And so, in being expected to just go on with things, I've lashed out...at friends that didn't deserve it.  At people that I've admired, and mentors...

Please, just let me cry it out...please, don't tell me it will be OK because it's not OK...everything is a mess and I would rather you be honest with me than expect me to go on as if my life didn't just come crashing down.  

So, if you see me and I say I'm fine, know that I'm not fine.

I've lost everything that meant anything close to "safe" and by saying I'm fine, I'm really saying, please, I just want a shoulder or a friend.

Let me rebuild, but first I have to grieve...and I haven't been able to grieve yet...so I am a big pile of mess that looks like everything is OK...when it's not.\

I miss my husband, yes he assaulted me, but that doesn't make me love him less...it just means that he needs help. So, even though he's not dead, it seems like it because the person I fell in love with is gone..  And, I'm still grieving for that man. 

The Countdown Has Begun

It's Saturday night, and I'm starting to get more worried.

I know that everything happens for a reason, but that still doesn't stop me from getting anxious.

I went to the ODK Leadership Conference on campus today!

I never thought that I would be a leader, or even be considered for it. 

I'm learning so much.  Even though I'm still anxious about getting in front of crowds, I'm getting over that fear.

I miss James, and I miss his dad.  

I wish that my life would be easy for just one month.  I wish I didn't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep or how to hid this from James.  

I would like to talk to Mike, but I'm pretty sure I'm not on his visitation list.  

At least I can write him a letter.  

I have three days left to pack up my house and find a place to put my stuff.

I've made a list of things to put in the plastic bins in my car.  

I'm pretty sure that I can cut it down to a couple pair of jeans, and t-shirts.  I will have to find different parking lots to sleep in, and somehow make the engine in my car last just a little bit longer.  

I hope that HUD can help me either find a place or help me stay in this place just a little longer.  

But, on to happier memories.

Here I am with my friends at the conference today!  

Don't Wish Me Luck Today, Wish Me A Blessing

Today, I head to court to fight my eviction.

Today, I have God as my shield in this fight.

Today, I hope to win, even if it's a tiny battle.

I'm getting evicted.  I'm not really happy about it.

There was a verbal agreement between my landlord and I, reiterated by a text message.

I had asked her to start the eviction process earlier this month, on October 12. 

On October 13, she told me (via text message) we had the following conversation:

LL: Please deposit some of the rent you owe

Me: I can't afford it and the late fees.

LL: What can you pay

Me: I've got $300 to last until I get my social security

LL: OK but what can you pay for your rent now

Me: If I don't get evicted $200 but I can catch up and get ahead as soon as I get the social security.  But I think I would rather take the eviction so I can have the service dog at another place.  I can get her certification paperwork as soon as I get her

LL: Deposit the $200 and then you can lay  [sic] the remaining $300 as soon as you can.

In this conversation, there is (in my opinion) an agreement about my rent.  She accepted the fact that I can't pay that much rent, and that I would catch up and get ahead when I get my social security.

Side note: I had the medical appointment for Social Security on Monday.  My case has been flagged as "dire need" and my caseworker is looking for the report from the doctor.  

On the morning of October 23, I had this conversation with my Landlord:

LL: I don't care about the spare room.  At this point if you can't work it out then H***** (name protected) has the upper hand her because of her rent.

Me: I understand.  I'm not bothering her.  I think everything is taken care of and I'm leaving her alone.  So are you making it back up to $900 or still at $700? (this is in regards to the amount of rent to be paid)

LL: Just catch up with rent first

Again, there is the implication that she has accepted that my rent is late.  There is also no mention of the late fees.  Yes, she has been very lenient with me about the rent.  

But, I feel to say this via text message, and then turn around that afternoon and hand me an eviction notice is wrong.  

If you think what is happening to me is wrong, please spread the word.  My friend came up with the hashtag #Mercy4Marci that we will be using.  

My Faith is GREAT.  I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that no matter how things go today, it is according to his plan.