Almost Two Years

 So....where have I been for two years?

Living life, letting life live me. 

Learning, losing, hurting, again...Living life.

In these two years, I've yet again lost everything.  (My fault.)

But...

I. HAVE. GAINED. SO. MUCH. MORE.

More wisdom, more patience, more empathy, more friends.  

My ability to walk, such as it was is almost gone.  

We knew this was coming, but it still hurts when there is something that I used to easily do that I can't do anymore.  Or when I forget how it feels to do something, like just walk into a store...without worrying if my chair is going to fit.  

So...what has happened in these two years?

I got an apartment, lived there for an entire year!!! 

It wasn't for me, became homeless again...got another apartment, and because of harassment and a very dangerous living situation provided by the apartment manager, I left everything I owned and became homeless again.  (More on that story in a bit.)

I have had such loss these past two years.  Sometimes, I think it's more than I can handle...but I am surviving.

My dad died on June 4, 2021.  My lovely sister made it to where I couldn't be there when he died. (Gotta love family right?)

Nine days later, on June 13, 2021, my mom died.  Again, my lovely sister made it to where I couldn't be there when she died.  (Man...my family sux sometimes!)

In less than two weeks, I lost my whole world.  And I still haven't recovered from that.  I don't think I ever will.  

I wandered around for a while, homeless again.  This was before the second apartment.  And, started on a journey that is continuing to this day.  

When I got that second apartment, things were good.  Then they fired the office staff and brought someone else in.  That's when things got really bad.  I endeded up getting threatened and harassed so much that I walked away from everything I own for my own safety.  Packed up what I could, and left to live on the streets.

The next day, I spent some time at the library...where I saw this guy sitting there reading on his phone.  The head of the library helped me out by calling one of the accessibility coordinators for the City of Killeen, who immediately came to see me.  Then, she helped me file charges against the maintenance person at my apartments who was threatning me.  Then this wonderful lady helped me get into the homeless shelter in Killeen, Friends in Crisis.  (I can not express enough thanks and gratitude for them.)

I was told to be there at 1:00 PM, and since I had no car, I wheeled over there from the library, which was only a couple of blocks.  There, I knocked on the door and was told I had to wait until 3:00 PM when they let everyone in and then they would do my intake.  To my utter surprise, that very same gentleman came walking up and got in line.  And, he started talking to me...with something along the lines of "weren't you at the library earlier?"   This started the path to something that I had been scared of for the past seven years since I divorced my husband.  

That wonderful man is now my boyfriend.  He now works at Tesla in Austin, and he treats me so wonderfully that I wonder if this is a dream.  

We moved in together.  If you know me, you know that I follow my gut feelings, and my gut said this person, named Jacob, was there for me.  At first, I kept telling him that I didn't want a relationship...after all I had been on my own for SEVEN YEARS!! I was fine on my own.  

But...I wasn't.  I never knew that it could feel this good to be in a relationship.  That this is what happiness is like.  This is a new experience for both of us.  We both arrived at the shelter so broken.  We're both learning how to have a healthy relationship...but we're doing it.  

Nowhere To Go

 So....I had a place. 

I paid my rent every month, as agreed.

Landlord was happy with me...until the day before Thanksgiving.  

This started the Friday before, November 20, 2020.

I got a call from my landlord, BJ, saying to be home between 4pm-5pm to have someone come look at the floors in the back rooms that I have not been allowed to use.  I rushed home, and no one came by...he came by Saturday, at 5:30pm.  Stayed about 5 minutes. and told the landlord the information.  I immediately get a call from BJ saying I need to put my stuff (the entire house) in storage by WEDNESDAY (yes the day before Thanksgiving) and he would pay for the storage and a hotel for me.  (Keeping in mind, this is how he got rid of the last tenant...paid for a hotel for him and led him to believe he was coming back!!) 

I notified him that, in trying to save him money, I could move the stuff into the rooms not being worked on, he said no, he is doing the whole house...which the contractor already said he was only doing the back room and the living room.  Fast forward through the weekend, where numerous calls and texts were made to get the information for the storage and hotel, which were not answered by BJ or his wife.

Tuesday night...

BJ calls me and demands that I put my stuff outside IN THE RAIN!!! He said he didn't care about my property and that he wanted it out.  He then proceeded to get angry at me because I refused, and told me to be out by the 30th.  He also threatened that he would move my stuff out himself.  

Wednesday...

The contractor came and called BJ because I hadn't moved any of my stuff.  The contractor and I then made a deal, I would move the stuff in the living room into the middle bedroom that I wasn't allowed to use while he was working on it...he was happy and I was happy.  Until BJ threatened my belongings, AGAIN.  Then I said that's it...i'm not moving a thing anymore.

BJ's wife then leaves work and comes to my house, says that I need to move my stuff out onto the front yard, that was muddy and wet.  I said no, you cannot make me do this.  She threatened to call the police...I saved her the hassle, and called them myself.

Police come, and tell her that she cannot do that.

All off a sudden, I'm late on rent (I have cashapp receipts to show I paid rent), I haven't paid a deposit (there was never a mention of deposit), and I didn't pay the water or gas (which I paid water when requested because it was in landlords name and the gas was divided between me and the previous tenant, which I paid my half in cash), and I damaged the property because there was a window broken by the previous tenant (the landlord knew this and told me I still had to pay for it).  

The police told them they would have to evict me, and she asked them about turning off the water, because I supposedly haven't paid the water (again cashapp records).  

So...this is the immediate problem...however, there is also the problem of NO HEAT.  I have repeatedly asked the landlord to provide heat and turn the furnace on because I don't know how.  I have text messages where they have said no.

I was provided three space heaters, however, within minutes of plugging one of them in, the power to the front half of my trailer (the only part I'm allowed to use) blew and I no longer have power in my trailer.  The back two rooms still have power, but now I'm staying in a trailer with no heat and no electricity.  

On top of all this, Petunia (my van) is a little on the sicky side and needs a new transmission and tie rod ends.  I am working on getting the money to get her fixed, which is going to be about $3k.  

So, this is the situation as it stands...I'm backed up against a wall but I will somehow survive this.

I wish, I wish, I wish

 I wish.v..

So many times, I say this...

And so many times, I really wish.

I wish my mom would talk to me.

I wish I could call my mom and tell her about my day...the funny things that happened to me, the encounters I've had.

I wish I was still married...it may not have been perfect, but it was my marriage.

I wish I didn't have to worry all the time.

I wish I was going back to school like everyone else.

These things are what goes through my head every day.

I miss having someone to talk to.

I miss having someone to hang out with...I'm not an introvert...I crave interaction.

Yet...sometimes I really want to be alone.

I miss having things to do.

I miss having a job.

I miss having that responsibility.

I miss dancing.

But, there are also some good...no great things in my life.

I have my Denny's family.

I have some really close friends from there.

I have a place to live.

I have people that care about me.

Sometimes, I miss my mom so much, that I do cry.  I do wish I could go back in time...but mostly I wish I could get her away from the people that are doing this, because she would never act like she is without these people in her life.  And the really crappy part of this is...I was helping them out because I knew they needed the money at the time.  I know Karma comes around, and my conscience is clear, but it still hurts.  

This past year has been one giant hole...in the holes of the past five years...

THIS. HAS. TO. GET. BETTER.

There has to be an end to all of this heartache.  Sooner or later, things have got to get better.

Things have been improving, and yet, there's still those moments where I get lost...just for the tiniest moment.  I look and realize how much I've lost and how much I've gained.  

One is never happy with their current situation...they're always longing for something more.

It's good to always dream...to always hope.  Because without hope, we are nothing.

So...every day...

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Is History doomed to repeat itself?

I am angry.

I am upset.

And most of all, I'm appalled that there is so many mindless actions taking place that I just can't believe this.

Do you not realize, that even though we have bad parts of our HISTORY, it is still there?

Renaming military bases won't change the fact that they were once named after Confederate officers.

It's like people are wanting to erase our history, our culture.

And if you erase it, then how can you learn from it?

Yes, our history has always been turbulent.

Our history is, however, ours.

And, in my opinion we do learn from it.

We move forward.

We remember.

If you erase the Confederacy, if you erase everything about the Civil war, what's to make you think it won't happen again?  If it's erased from our history, then how do we learn from it?  How do we avoid repeating those mistakes?

We have a culture.  We are a nation.  We ALL (in the beginning) were escaping persecution!!!

Think about it...why the heck did the first settlers choose to brave a trip across the ocean???

Was it because it was a pleasure cruise?

No...it was because they were escaping persecution.

They were wanting religious freedom.

Are we going to erase that also because they don't have the same religion as we do?

Are we going to erase it because they fought with the Indians?

Are we going to erase all of our history because it is offensive to some people?

If that is the case, then we should erase everything and just call everything by numbers!!!

Hey, Military Base 1,  Military Base 2...heck why don't we get rid of our names and just resort to numbers also??? Seriously???

Hey, I'm number so and so, how are you?

Everything is offensive to someone, somewhere.

But, people...we have to draw the line somewhere.

Confederate generals had military bases named after them, not because they were generals, but because they did something that stood out.  Maybe they won a battle that no one thought they would win.  Maybe they were military geniuses.  

Also, think about this...

When we fought in the Vietnam war, do you really think half of those soldiers that were fighting for the VC were there because they wanted to be there?  No, they were fighting for their country.  We were the invadors...not them. Not to mention, some of them did it out of family duty...they probably didn't believe in the war either.

Any war we ever fought in is because our LEADERS choose the war.  Not the soldiers, not the generals, not the officers.  They were following orders!!  To erase them from our history, to take away the recognition for what they did is blasphemy!!!

If we erase anything offensive from our history, then we would be fake!

We're trying to say we're better than everyone else because we're not recognizing this person for their genius in this incredible fight that they won, even if it was for the enemy.  

Recognize the ACTIONS.  It doesn't matter if you hate the person.  It doesn't matter if you hate the reason...what matters is their ACTIONS!!!

I feel sorry for everyone that is so closed minded that they jump on this bandwagon of renaming everything.  Erasing our history.

I'm going to continue to teach my son THIS history...because I want him to know the truth...not a pretty painted falsehood that our government wanted because they want to get reelected.

If this was really something that was important to them, it would have been on their agenda LONG BEFORE any of this happened.  

People, stop and take a deep breath.  Relax...our history will still be there, even if you erase it.

It happened, and no matter how much you try to erase it, it still happened.

Learn from it, don't erase it.