I wish, I wish, I wish

 I wish.v..

So many times, I say this...

And so many times, I really wish.

I wish my mom would talk to me.

I wish I could call my mom and tell her about my day...the funny things that happened to me, the encounters I've had.

I wish I was still married...it may not have been perfect, but it was my marriage.

I wish I didn't have to worry all the time.

I wish I was going back to school like everyone else.

These things are what goes through my head every day.

I miss having someone to talk to.

I miss having someone to hang out with...I'm not an introvert...I crave interaction.

Yet...sometimes I really want to be alone.

I miss having things to do.

I miss having a job.

I miss having that responsibility.

I miss dancing.

But, there are also some good...no great things in my life.

I have my Denny's family.

I have some really close friends from there.

I have a place to live.

I have people that care about me.

Sometimes, I miss my mom so much, that I do cry.  I do wish I could go back in time...but mostly I wish I could get her away from the people that are doing this, because she would never act like she is without these people in her life.  And the really crappy part of this is...I was helping them out because I knew they needed the money at the time.  I know Karma comes around, and my conscience is clear, but it still hurts.  

This past year has been one giant hole...in the holes of the past five years...

THIS. HAS. TO. GET. BETTER.

There has to be an end to all of this heartache.  Sooner or later, things have got to get better.

Things have been improving, and yet, there's still those moments where I get lost...just for the tiniest moment.  I look and realize how much I've lost and how much I've gained.  

One is never happy with their current situation...they're always longing for something more.

It's good to always dream...to always hope.  Because without hope, we are nothing.

So...every day...

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Slowly Coming Back

For the past couple of years, I've posted mainly out of responsibility.

A responsibility to not neglect my blog.

A responsibility to say I still have a blog.

A responsibility to you, my readers, who have followed my life for the past however many years.

It felt like a chore, like something I had to do...not wanted to do.

Now...

I feel like paying attention to my blog again.

I want to write more.

I want to post more.

I want to share more.

But of what?

The fact that I spent the past year homeless?

My daily struggles?

Loneliness?

Fighting for some sense of normalcy?

I've lost so much these past five years.

Five seems like a nice round number, huh?

Anyway...I"ve managed to hold on to my blog, but that's about all I've held onto.

I've lost a couple places to live.

I've lost family.

I've lost everything I owned.

And still, I perservere.

Still, I wake up every day with a smile on my face.

I say "Good Morning" to the couple of my friends that are close enough for me to message them at 6am.

So, what do I write about now?

What do I say?

How do I start over?

See, here...I'm starting to get into a routine. 

I sit all day at Denny's...mainly for the internet, but also because they're like family.

They are family!

It's hard to believe that the people that work at a restaurant were there for me when I needed...

Someone

or 

Something.

I didn't know I needed it, and I wasn't looking for it.  But it found me.

And...while I may have my bad days, it has been good for me.

I was joking with one of the night managers yesterday after there was a bad experience with a customer cussing at one of the servers.

The customer said "the customer is always right", and I mentioned, that I'm a customer...

They VERY POINTEDLY told me that I am not a customer, that I'm Marci...

(I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing!!!)

So, I"m slowly coming back.

To my blog, to my life, to being me.

Hopefully, we can look for more posts from me.

Hopefully, I will be more active here, and my other social media platforms.

And...maybe...just maybe...I will do a couple of videos in the future...I'm still camera shy though!

Going Stir Crazy in Nacogdoches

So, we have all confirmed that I have wanderlust and like to just go.

This quarantine, while I understand it's important, is killing me.

I haven't stayed this long in one place in a while and frankly, I am about to just drive to the forest to go.

There are so many things that I've wanted to say about this, but I don't want to piss anyone off and I really don't want to start debates...so...here goes.

At the first of the year, people were posting things like there was going to be a plague or something this year, because it happens about every hundred years or so.  Mother Nature has an incredible way of balancing her ecosystem when things are out of wack, and in my belief, this is one of her defense mechanisms.  

One of the funny things that keeps running through my head, as I see empty shelves and people doing things more as families, and NOT going their separate ways, is that this must be what it was like a hundred years ago.  Families were families back then, not just driving to separate events and activities.  I sat at the park and watched a family of three kids enjoy the afternoon with their mom and grandparents...sitting on the grass.  Would they have done this if we weren't social distancing?  Would they have done this of Covid19 hadn't invaded our lives?  What have they learned about themselves, their family?

Then I see the kids doing their schoolwork at home.  Again, it's like we stepped into a time about a hundred years ago.  Back then, there were mostly one room schoolhouses, and the majority of their learning was at home (in my opinion).  Parents are finding a new found appreciation for teachers, and I bet a lot of parents now understand what teachers go through every day, times 25 kids.  A lot of people that I talked to actually like the idea of homeschooling now and are exploring that option more and more.  

Then I think about the Great Depression.  How in one day, everything crashed and it took a long time for us to recover from it.  And I see that happening now.  People are unemployed, not able to pay their bills, not able to find any work.  And the amazing thing is, instead of these people stressing about finding a job (thanks unemployment for the majority of them), they're enjoying life.  They're not running around looking for another job like their life depends on it, though some are.  

And people are getting innovative with substitutions for things they need...like ELASTIC!  A lot of people are making masks and helping out the communities (even if they are making a profit from it), and the demand is way more than the supply.  So, what are people doing...they're substituting for elastic...again, what we did so many years ago.  It got to the point that during WWII (I believe) there was rationing.  People made do with what they could get.  

And then I wonder, what our new normal will be like.  After the Gulf War, when I was in high school, things changed.  I can remember gas prices going up overnight, and it was hard on people.  Ever since, gas has not been below $1.00, and even though it's fairly close, I doubt it will go down that far...but still...on average $1.50 per gallon is pretty darn cheap if you ask me.  Yes, we will come out of this slowly, and we will try to cut the infection rate, but what is our new normal going to be like?

When I was in elementary school, WalMart closed at night...it's closing at night again.  We adapt.  People stay home more often now, even if it's not by choice.  They're discovering things like crafts, reading, hobbies.  Many are rediscovering their partners and learning to live so long together.  Think about it, people usually see each other maybe 7 or 8 hours a day, and now it's all day.  There are hobbies that we had that our partners either didn't know or didn't have time to participate in, and now there is time.  

There was a time before 24 hour stores and theme parks.  There was a time before our schedules were bombarded with different activities.  There was a time when we were at home and getting ready for bed when it got dark.  And that time is here again...but will it stay?  

I'm not the biggest fan of this social distancing.  I'm a hugger, and I don't have family to be close to all the time...it's just me.  When I hugged my friends, that was my family...and that's gone right now.  I'm an extrovert...but can be happy doing things at home also...but there comes that time when I'm about to climb the walls, and I've hit that time.  I'm not like most people and have a TV to watch, or internet at the house, or anything like that.  

So, this is an unprecented time that we're in...we've never dealt with anything like this.  Our parents haven't dealt with anything this bad...some grew up in the time of Polio, but was it this bad?  It's human nature to want that contact, that communication, that connection.  I sit here most days and wish I had someone to talk to, just about mundane things.  The people I call are always busy and don't want to talk to me...so I study, and go a little further in my shell.  But I miss the conversations, the interactions, the jokes and laughs.

As things start to open up, people will be available to talk.  I liken the coming out of quarantine to coming out of the cellar after a really bad storm.  You've been huddled in your safe spot for the duration, and now you come out, and look around.  You assess the damage, and life goes on.  Life doesn't stop because people die.  Life doesn't stop because people get sick.  Life goes on...the Earth still orbits the Sun, and tomorrow will come.  Everyone and everything on this Earth has a time, a season...some are short and some are long, but no one lives forever.  

(And I know this may sound cold, but I've lost so many people close to me that I have to look at it from a different perspective, and that's what I've done.)

One of my friends put everything I've been feeling into one picture...and with her permission it's here.

So, while we're at home, it's OK to dress up and miss our old lives...they may never be the same.  We all have a new normal that we have to get used to, and some adapt easier than others.  

This is my opinion and way of looking at things, and I do apologize in advance if I've offended anyone with my callus way of looking at things...but it's my blog...and I get to pick what I put on it!

I hope everyone has a good day.  I hope you are staying safe.  I hope you're adapting.

Communication Problems with Stubborn Family

Stubborn??? That's the least of it. 

See, I've grown up, I can be professional, I CAN FORGIVE...

which is more than I can say for my family.

The past six months have been heartbreaking.

They have been emotionally scarring.

They've been, for lack of a better word...

HELL!

What kind of person would bully their own child?

What kind of person would instruct their caretaker to assault their child?

What kind of person would do this?  Knowingly?

Marsha Jean Cook...otherwise known as the person who gave birth to me.

I am not calling her my mother anymore, because a mother would not do this.

A mother is supposed to care for and protect their children.

I am still scared to let my family know where I am...specifically...though I think they have an idea.

I'm scared to let anyone get close to me anymore because of all this.

I thought growing up knowing that your parents didn't want you was bad...but for your mother to say she's changed, only to be worse to me than ever growing up was a nightmare.

I saw an old high school teacher in December right after most of this happened, and the first words out of her mouth were, "I can't believe your mom did this to you AGAIN".  

AGAIN....my mom did this while I was in high school, and like a stupid child, I believed her when she said things would be different.  

Her own sister said that she should never have had kids, that she was too selfish...

And still I believed her.

I've been told not to post this; not to write an open letter to my mom...

but if that's the only way to let her know how I feel, 

How I HURT

How I feel BETRAYED

How I feel HOPELESS

Then I will do it...I will put everything out there that what she did was horrible....and I'm not saying in the least that I'm innocent, because I did some horrible things to, but I OWN THEM...

I don't blame others for what I did.

I have also TRIED to MAKE AMENDS and Ask forgiveness.

I believe in FORGIVENESS...I believe in giving another chance...because 

PEOPLE LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

Me, I've learned that my family will always be toxic

AND SELFISH

AND MEAN

AND HURTFUL

AND MANIPULATIVE

AND BACKSTABBING

I've learned not to trust them anymore.

I've learned not to believe anything that comes out of their mouths because it's usually LIES!

So...Marsha Jean Cook.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I'm sorry for lashing out when I was being bullied and harassed by people that you paid.

I want to badly to talk to you, and try to patch things up.

I do miss talking to you every day.

I miss telling you the things I've discovered or learned.

I miss telling you the funny things that happen to me (like I broke TWO NEEDLES trying to bind a book).

I miss making you laugh.

I miss learning with you.

I miss trying to introduce you to new things.

I miss exploring with you.

I miss you watching me make jewelry.

I miss making jewelry for you.

I miss introducing you to new shows to watch on Netflix.

I miss teaching you what your phone would do.

I miss all of this.

When I bought you the diamond earrings, you cried because no on had ever gotten them for you.

When I bought you the stuffed animal after your hip surgery, when NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE...you cried because NO ONE had thought to get you anything while  you were in the hospital.

When you told me the wrong direction to someplace and started crying because you thought I would yell at you, I was hurt.  I was hurt because Letty did that to you, and taught you to be afraid to make a mistake.  I was hurt because your own daughter did this to you. 

And, you choose to be around this now.  You have chosen to be around the same people that have yelled at you, made you late to your appointments, made you scared to make a mistake.  And yet, me, who just laughed and said "we get to learn a new way", me, you choose to cut out of your life.

This sounds like classic elder abuse, yet no one will listen to me because I'm the one that everyone teamed up against and pushed out.  I made sure you went to all of your appointments.  I made sure you did what you wanted to do.  Sometimes, paying for it out of my own pocket.  

One day, you will see what is really happening, and I hope that day comes soon...before you've lost me forever.

This is my Good Bye to you.

This is my closure.

I don't even have a phone number for you, and that's OK with me.  

Even though I have been cold and hungry most days these past couple months, I know I'm a good person.

I know that I did the best I could for you.

Now, I have to hope.

Hope that someone realizes this before it's too late.

Hope that someone can intervene before you lose everything, including your freedom.

You once said to me that your biggest fear was being put in a nursing home...and yet...

How is that going?

You're unable to keep people working for you...why is that?

I was there for free...and yes...I've learned a lot.

I've changed a lot in these past couple months...I'm not even sure you would recognize me if you saw me.

So....this isn't exactly a letter, but it's me speaking my feelings.  It's me speaking out because I know things are not good with you, but you won't let the people that care about you the most around you.

So, if someone in a position of authority reads this blog...please check out all the circumstances regarding all this.  This woman is being abused...to the point she is scared of her own family, and I fear for her safety.  I fear for her mental well being.  What people would buy all these gifts for an elderly person that they have just known a couple months when these people are struggling themselves?  What people would do this?  Nathasha and Gilbert (Bubba) Hise are the ones that started all this, and yet, no oneis investigating them or their motives.  Their own daughter accused them of abuse, and yet they're allowed to be around elderly who can't speak up for themselves.

So, I ask you...who is really the worst person?

Who are the people that are putting my mother in harms way?

Advice from Friends, More Decisions and Update

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of months, and I have a feeling it's just beginning.

I'm facing a few more difficult decisions, and we all know how I am with decisions...

eeny meeny miney moe is my best friend!!

Soooo, I guess I should give you an update also...here goes.

I'm stuck where I'm currently at because I was headed out and got a flat...it was close to another friend, so I called them.  They sent out another friend, and wham bam, I'm now out a rim and tire.

Yes...

They.

Stole.

My.

RIM!!!

And because I used all the cash I had to get the radiator fixed, I don't have anything to get a new rim.  Hence, the STUCK!!!

 Poor Petunia is sitting on a cinder block right now.

On the first, I will be able to get a new rim, and there is a lovely gentleman that has offered me (I believe) all four rims for $50, I hope...LOL.  If not, I can always get the rim and a new tire.  So, more funds goes into the van, but that's OK because I know that just about everything is good and new on her...which is also good because of the other decision I've made.

Which is....

I will be traveling.  The thought of moving into an apartment or anyplace right now scares the crap out of me...to the point of a panic attack if I think about it too long.

I've been lied to, abused, and all out hurt by anyone that has offered me a place to live (I'm not talking about my wonderful friends that have offered me their sofa or floor for a couple nights when the weather got really cold) so I'm just going to stay in the van and travel for a little while.  I think it would be good for my soul and also healing because I really need to step back (as it were) and just heal from the traumas of the past FIVE YEARS!!!

When I came back from Chicago, I went into survival mode, and I haven't stopped to actually heal from any of those events...and because of that, I've done nothing but spiral and self-destruct since then.  And, I'm pretty much at the bottom.  I have very, VERY few friends left that have put up with me, and to those, I say from the bottom of my heart....

THANK YOU

Starting next month, because, well, this month SUX, I'm going to be traveling and camping in my van wherever I go.  I think I have just about everything I need (except a deep cycle battery for Petunia), and I think I'm ready for this huge jump.  

To those friends that I've pushed away; I'm so sorry I didn't listen, or told you to go to H***, or F*** Off, or any of those other wonderfully colorful expletives, I hope you give me a second chance, or third chance, or even the billionth chance, because I'm a work in progress, and I'm still learning...and healing.

Now, another decision...where to go first?  Next month is going to be tight, so it might be local, or a small distance, but I am not sticking around here...that's for sure.  I've been hurt way too much to stick around!! (That includes the not so wonderful Killeen Police Department, who just stood by and let a majority of this happen.)

Now, I know you're saying, you're braver than I am, because I could NEVER just drive like that, but trust me, it's not bravery...it's self preservation.  

There's nothing for me really anywhere...I've lost my family, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost my school (I do hope I can go back someday)....what's left?

On a side note, I had a friend post this the other day, and it doesn't take money...it takes FAITH to do all this!!

I will, however, have to return to my "home" town once a month for doctors appointments.  And I need to find a mailbox there that I can use, but right now, it's just go.

As I embark on this journey, I will post updates.  I've decided, I'm not going to let my family scare me into hiding...I'm not going to let them scare me into anything anymore!  I may have cowered since November, and been scared to death of them, but no more...they can live their life and I will live mine because frankly, I don't care anymore.  They've blocked my number, and my life is a lot easier that way...except for an emergency when I have to get hold of some family.  That's when doing the grownup thing and just not calling comes in handy...and trust me....I don't call, but you can at least unblock the phone for emergencies, or other situations...Like when I accidentally get mail for them!!! But that's another side note.

So, now to decide where to spend the month of February.  Is there anyone that wants to see me particularly?  Any place I should visit?  Any sites to see...of course keeping in mind that it's going to be a low funds month as I catch up so it needs to be kinda local.  

I'm also planning on getting myself a little stove top for the van, and then the deep cycle battery.  I think what I'm going to do is add my wish list here, and have my mailbox as the delivery for anything that people might want to gift me. There's still a lot that I need for the van, but as of right now, it's very livable and comfortable...not the best but it works.

I've also caught up with a couple of people from my past, and I'm really hoping that one of those turns into something else...but time will tell.  

Now the advice from friends...

It appears I act untrustworthy, and I've tried to be open and honest with everyone, so if you don't trust me for some reason or another, I find that a problem, and would like to remedy that.  It really hurt when this friend said I had ulterior motives for doing things, and seriously, I do things to do them and be nice.  I NEVER expect anything in return, and I understand if that is something that people don't quite get...I'm old fashioned that way.  So, when I do things, it's not for Brownie points, or anything like that, it's me being nice.  That's it, end of story...nothing else to follow.  Half the things I do, are completely random and anonymous.

Example:  One act of kindness that I used to do every week, the people in charge wanted to find out who was doing it...after THREE years of doing this, they finally caught me and said thank you...I don't do it for recognition or anything like that...I do it because it makes ME feel better, and it brings a smile to the people it helps.  To this day, I don't know who this random act of kindness has helped, though I've heard stories...I don't know how many people it has helped, and no one has caught me doing it.  That's the random in random acts of kindness, and yes, when I'm in Nacogdoches, I will continue to do it, however I don't plan on being in Nac anytime soon.

Yes, I'm (as one other person put it) BRUTALLY HONEST!!  If you don't like it, or can't tolerate it, then again...maybe it's best we part ways.  

So, this is what's going on...kind of a long update, and I apologize for that.  I know that some of you will say, "You've been fine since I've known you", but I haven't...I've been hurt and just in survival mode, and I want to start living again.  

So, for those from my past that are still here, Thank You...for my new friends that are still around, Thank You...and to my readers, Thank You.

And now, I wait for eleven more days until the end of the month when I can get that stupid rim.

Winter Solstice

On this the shortest day of the year, I would like to reflect on everything.

It's been a rough year, but one where I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I'm made of much sterner stuff than I though. 

I've learned that family doesn't change, no matter how much you want to believe it.

I've learned that there is kindness in strangers.

I've learned that it does get cold, very cold in Texas.

I've learned that, not everyone will be there for you, but those that are, will be there through everything.

I've learned that people can be very manipulative.

I've learned that kindness goes a long way.

I've learned that I can go a couple days without eating, but I have to have my Coke.

I've learned that I can fix some things on my van.

I've learned that family isn't what you're born into, but what you make.

Some of these things I've known, but considering the past year, I need to reiterate them many times over.

Yes, I was born into a crappy family, but I wouldn't change that, because it has made me who I am. 

Yes, all my family wants to do is hurt each other, and I'm OK with that, because I don't have to stay and take it.

Yes, it hurts me very deeply to walk out on my family, but for my own safety and metal health, I must.

I know there are hard times ahead, and I know that things are going to be very lonely, but that's OK also, because I am looking out for my safety now.

I miss my mom.

I miss my crafts.

I miss sleeping in a bed.

I miss warmth in the winter, and air conditioning in the summer.

I miss sewing.

I miss making my journals.

I miss having the luxury to make a meal whenever I want.

I miss cooking.

I miss doing laundry overnight, because, well...I'm lazy.

Did I mention, I miss my mom?

Next year is going to be better because I'm going to make it better.  

And, no, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on just me.  I'm going to try to make at least one person smile everywhere I go.  A little smile can go a long way.

I'm going to try to uplift others.

I"m going to try to be a better person.  

I'm going to love more.

I'm going to live for the moment.

I'm going to shed my fears and GO.

Most of all, I miss who I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing who I become, because out of all this crappy stuff that has happened to me, I still haven't lost my ability to care for others or to have compassion, or to be nice, or just be a good person.  I will not let the actions of a few dictate who I become and I will not let the actions of those same few bring me down.  

They may have knocked me down temporarily, but I will always get back up and I will always fight, because this world needs more people that are 

CARING, LOVING, AND HOPEFUL.

Why must family be like this?

You know....I'm always amazed when I see families stick up for each other...

mine has always been cut throat and vindictive.

I grew up having to hide anything of value to me, hide my feelings, hide anything that made me happy.

I grew up scared that one or both of my parents would take away anything that I enjoyed...so I learned not to show joy in anything...and sometimes that has hurt me, but most of the time it has protected me.

And now, my family thinks it will hurt me that my mom is putting my stuff on the curb...NEWS FLASH....

I have had this happen before...it will happen again.  Anything that means any value to me, I either hide very well or carry with me all the time.

You see, family is not who you are born into...family is who is there for you in the hard times.  Family is who knows you inside and out, and still says it's OK.  Family will give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug when you need it...and I've needed a lot of them lately.  

I have a sister that likes to stick her nose into things that are not her business, and then she says she did it for the better good.  I don't tell her anything of importance because of this...I learned a long time ago that if she isn't happy, she will do what she can to make others not happy also.  

So, my mom is keeping my power chair, because it hurts me.  She won't let me have it...a power chair...that I need.  My wheelchair is in need of repairs, but because I got the power chair, insurance won't fix it...but that's OK...people see what she's doing...people know what's going on.  

In a few months, I hope to have enough to get my lift fixed and try to get a new power chair...maybe even have a place to live, but right now I'm still in my van...I'm still trying to stay warm at night, and I'm still scrounging for what I need...again...there are people that have taken care of me throughout all this, and for that I'm thankful.

I think I've figured out how to mostly stay warm in the van, however that does require me staying in the sleeping bag...but that's OK...Sparky likes it!! And, I"m reading more books...

I wish things were different.  I wish I still had a mom, one that actually doesn't want me dead.  I wish I had a home...but I don't think that is going to happen for a while.  My sister has said that she is going to tag my blog in her blog and tell "the truth" but SERIOUSLY...how can you know exactly what the truth is??? Everyone has their own perception of things, and while it may be true for them, and others in the area, it may not be the truth to someone that is over 1,000 miles away, and really hasn't talked to family until all this happened.  

It's funny how my mom can be mad at her kids, and then all of a sudden, the one that called every day, when everyone else didn't have time for her, is the one that is such a bad person...yes I admit I'm not perfect, but then again, neither is anyone else...and yet I forgive.  I leave the past in the past because that's where it belongs.  Stuff that has been broken or stolen or taken and hidden, is just that...STUFF...I can understand something having sentimental value, however, what if that stuff was lost in a fire, or a tornado...would you hate your daughter for that???  When you've lost everything as many times as I have, you learn that it is just STUFF and that what's important are the people in your life and not the stuff....in the end, you can't take it with you.  But what you've done on this Earth, the people you've impacted, the smiles you've spread...that's what counts...not how much stuff you have amassed.  

I guess this is why it doesn't hurt me too much to lose everything....it hurts, but I know it's just stuff...the memories are with me...I wish I had some of the stuff that I've lost.  I wish I could go back in time, but I can't...all I can do is move forward.  And move forward I will....tomorrow is another day...there are beautiful things all around that I can take pictures of...there are children to make smile, people to impact...kind words to say...a smile to give to everyone...no matter how rotten I feel...things will get better, because they can't get much worse.  

In a couple months, I hope to have a bus that I can work on converting...it may take a while, but that is my goal!!!

There is so much to say

There is always so much to say, but where do I start?

There is always so much to say, but sometimes it's just s sentence or a paragraph.

There is always so much to say, but who would want to read it?

These go through my head all the time, and yet there is so much more I want to say.  Sometimes, I want to publish 3-5 blogs a day, and sometimes less...sometimes more.

Does this blog help people?

Do I actually make a difference in someone's life?

Am I wanted anywhere?

See, I asked my mom the other day if she wanted me gone permanently, and she said yes.

What kind of parent would say "yes I want you gone forever"?

What kind of parent would bully their own child to the point that the child feels there is no escape.

What kind of parent would choose people they just met over their own child, and let those people assault that child?

My siblings always said I was my moms favorite.  If that is so, why did she do the things she did?  Why did she order her employee to assault me?  Because that is her excuse, "he's just doing his job".  

I've tried contacting Central Texas Council of Governments, who pays her employee and they say there is nothing they can do...they would rather sit by and watch this happen then risk losing any funds from the government.  I tried calling the VA, who runs the program that she has hired her employees through, and again, nothing they can do.  There has to be some oversight somewhere with this program.

There has got to be someone, somewhere that knows what to do or who to contact. I'm settling into this new life, and I really want to make a difference somewhere...I don't know where to start, and I'm having problems finding places to tell my testimony...though I know I need to tell it.

Starting Over

I've had this discussion with pretty much everyone...

So, before I go any further I want everyone to know I'm FINE!

I'm OK in my van, I promise!

Now, besides the fact that I have to start over yet again, I've gotten almost everything I want to keep out of my moms apartment.

Living in the van right now is tight because I still have stuff that I need to drop off at certain places, and then there's the stuff that I just don't know what to do it. 

Not to mention, I'm a packrat and I really need to cut down the clutter. 

What I really want to do is sew and make jewelry...those are my therapy, and right now I'm unable to do them.  I think I'm going to try to make some jewelry today, but not sure about that.

All I know is I'm settling into this van life...I have a little schedule right now where I spend my days.

Other than that, I'm catching up on my sweeps, and just biding my time until I'm able to drive out of here...which should be soon.  

It's really bad that I hide at night, and I constantly hide during the day because I'm very scared of my moms employee.  

I know that there is a plan for me, because I have faith, but sometimes it's hard to have the patience that comes with it.

My van needs a radiator and without it, I really can't drive any distances...I'm trying to raise the money right now for it, and it's only a couple hundred, but the past couple of months, I was getting data boosts on my phone bill so that mom could keep watching Netflix.  It was something she enjoyed, and I very much wanted her to be happy...I guess I screwed up with that one.

With everything that has gone on, I just want to protect my mom again.  And I can't do that because she thinks that the people with her now are the ones that are protecting her and keeping her safe.  I know through the grapevine that things are not good for her, and I know by the way she is acting that something bad is going on, but I can't know the exact thing until someone tells me for sure.

However, I've made one decision....no matter what happens, I will be there as a shoulder for her to cry on, but I'm not going to save her, I'm not going to put any money towards her finding a place or anything...no one was there for me, and I had to hustle in order to just save my van.  I know this may sound mean, but I warned her not to involve the landlord, that I would leave on my own etc...She's the one that listened to her other "family"....you know...the one's that told her she was so much better without me.  Again, I know this may sound mean...but I'm the one that can't sleep at night and is scared all the time...

I WORRY ABOUT HER...I worry about her well being, I worry about her safety...I worry about her financial situation...and I want to help her...but I will not...not this time...I cannot keep getting stepped on by those that I care about.

On another note...people wonder how I can stay by myself all the time, and it's because if I let someone in, they always hurt me...and a person can only take so many scars.  It's better to be by myself than risk the chance of getting hurt again.  

I'm a very caring person...I'm a very honest person...and I'm very open about my feelings...they are literally on my sleeve all the time.  I forgive easily but there is only so much that a person can take before they shut down...and I'm almost to the shut down point...I literally don't want a relationship and I don't want an apartment....I feel safe in my van because I know that no one can impose on my life there...no one can easily take it away from me.  Yeah, I could lose it because of the fact that I can't afford the repairs right now, but this is only temporary...I will soon be able to afford all of it.

Anyway, this is my post for the day, or couple of days....I'm not sure how things are going to be soon because I'm very low on funds and no way to get more...so I got crackers etc to feed myself, and if I can find a place in Cove to park I should be good.

Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers...she needs it more than me right now.