Twists and Turns

I've neglected my blog for almost three years.

Three years I've wanted to write so much, and when it came down to it, did I really want to share everything with the world.

YES!  

I do want to share with you.  I want to share what's been going on, what I have been feeling, what I've been going through, my ups and downs...I want to start sharing again.  

So, what is my blog about?

It used to be about my life as a wife, a mother, and a farmer. 

I used to advocate about TBI, Hydrocephalus, Rare diseases, and things that affected me in my daily life.

Now, it's going to be about things that affect me in my daily life...however...it's now going to be about van living, fighting for my rights, thoughts, and people I meet.  

And, I will tell you...I will tell everyone...

I live in my van.  I got tired of landlords evicting me for asking for a wheelchair ramp, I got tired of roommates that decide to screw me over, and I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing that other people take for granted...like being able to get into their apartment or house.

It's tough, it's expensive at times, but I have a nice little schedule worked out.  

Most days, you will find me at the Gateway Truck Stop...You meed the most amazing people there.  Truck drivers that come through town once a week, those that don't ever come back again. 

The local firemen that come for breakfast, and sometimes have to leave in a hurry in the middle of their meal.  The older gentleman that I"m really worried about...he's all alone, and I don't think he eats much.  I've paid for his meals a couple of times.  The couple that home schools their son and daughter.  The family that comes in after church every Sunday.  The group of men that must have been friends for a very long time that comes in for coffee every morning.  

Living in my van has made me aware of how little space I have, and that I can get by with very little.  I miss my crafting, I miss my jewelry making,  I miss my sewing...but I don't think I would trade it for anything right now.  

Slowly, I"m coming back to myself.  When everything happened three years ago,  lost myself and it has been a very long road, but I"m making it.  Life will throw you curve balls.  You can expect at least one surprise every day.  And there are still good people out in the world.  

So, with that said....

HI!  I'm Marci, I've been away for a while, but I think I've finally found my voice again.  And, boy do I have a lot to tell you.

Things I've learned in 2018

As 2018 closes, I'm reflecting on what I've learned this year...because it was a year of very hard lessons.

I learned....

...that no matter what happens, there are a few people that will always be there for you.

...trust is very fragile, and once broken it's very hard to fix...often times it's fixed with damage that can't be repaired.

...people change.  

...you can try to break me, but you will fail...and I will come out stronger.

...the kindness of strangers is overpowering.

...everyone deserves a second (and sometimes third and fourth) chance.

...I can live in about 60 square feet comfortably.

...who needs an apartment when you have your van!

...I LOVE my job!!! (and sometimes my bosses!)

...I'm undecided about returning to SFA.

...life isn't fair and that's OK.

...how to sew!!! 

...those that stick around are priceless and those that leave didn't deserve to be in your life in the first place.

...never judge a book by it's cover, and never judge a person by their past.

...the staff at Denny's is awesome!!!

It's been a wild year, and if I had my choice, I would do it exactly the same, with all the mistakes and all the heartache, because I've learned so much from everything that has happened.  I have my goals for 2019 but I"m keeping those to myself because they are my goals and mine alone.  However, I will post a few because it gives me something to work towards. But, that's tomorrow...

I'm Thankful for...

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be Thankful for.

I may not have much but I have a roof over my head.

I've lost a lot but I still have my health.

I may not be able to walk well, but I can still walk.

I thought I was alone, but I have a few friends.

I have my cat, who always makes me smile...even when she's being stubborn.

I may not have school anymore, but I'm still learning.

I may have lost a couple of friends this year, but I've gained so much more in the terms of angels and extended family.

I won't lie...it's been a VERY. VERY. ROUGH. couple of years...but I 

SURVIVED!

I thought my life was good, and two years ago I came back from a school trip to a nightmare.

I had lost my husband and my belongings all in one action....I had to start over.

You never know just how much strength you have until you are tested, and I'm happy to say I'm STRONG.

I may have lost the love of my life, but it wasn't because of anything I did...he was unhappy, he made the decision that resulted in his accident, and everything after that.

I still have a long way to go with recovering from his assault, and I may never fully recover, but I've forgiven him.  A part of me still loves him, and will always love him, but I know now that we will never be together again.  He is still unhappy with his life, and he is trying to shift the blame to me...but the truth is...I did everything for him.  

I may still struggle with being alone, but I know...in the darkest of moments I have friends that are more than friends...they're family.  I know that no matter what, I will survive...and I'm a stronger person because of everything.

I will admit...every day is a struggle.  A struggle to maintain some semblance of normal...but I have a new normal and I'm trying to find it. I struggle with self-worth, like just about all other domestic violence survivors, I still blame myself...but I'm working on that also.  

I struggle with the after effects of his assault...and knowning that I couldn't have done anything to prevent it.  

The Masons expelled him for a reason...he's not a good person, no matter what he says.  He lies, he is extremely violent, and he should still be in prison (but knowing him and his temper he will be back there soon).

Most of all, I'm Thankful to be alive...there are times when I doubted my reason for being here.  But I know I'm here for a reason.  Maybe it's to tell my story, maybe it's to help that one person reading this and saying..."I can do this too"

Maybe it's to make more mistakes and learn from them.

If you're reading this, let me know what you're Thankful for...maybe it will help someone else in the future.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Baby Steps...Sorta

Tonight marks one week since I was transferred to a different campaign.

I like the new campaign, but I miss my old one very much. 

I miss helping customers and being very busy.  

But, my new campaign offers a lot of challenges also.

For the last two days, I rolled to work.  There's half a mile where I'm actually on North street, and I'm scared every moment that a car won't move over or slow down.

The rest of the way I can take back streets.

On Monday, I'm taking my van to get fixed.  I'm hoping that it's just that I'm an idiot and don't know how to use the lift.  

Life is going on, yet I still feel like a part of me is being left behind.

I miss my husband.  I miss being married.  I miss that life.

What do you do when your heart is torn out?  

I joke and call the past two years the "Tornado" that hit my life, but in actuality it's more like a mack truck.  And, just in case it didn't do the job the first time...it keeps coming back.

For the first time in two years, I've paid all my bills, and had a little extra.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop.  I keep waiting for the mack truck to come and roll over me again.  

Tomorrow I get my second paycheck from work...I'm scared and excited at the same time.  I'm no fool, I know that I could lose my job in a heartbeat.  All I want to do is put as much money aside as I can...I want to hide every penny I earn.  But, then again, I want to enjoy a little of my hard work.  

And then...I keep having glimpses of things I've lost...and I get angry at him again.  Then I think, hope that it was the PTSD that affected him...Then I get angry again because the system, our VA system dropped him in the cracks.  To this day, I want to fight for him, to try to make things like they used to be.  

I know he's still in there...the happy guy that always made me laugh.  The guy that lived 18 years in misery because he wanted to look out for me.  The guy that told me that Thanksgiving night that he loved me.  That's the guy that I miss.  That's the life that I miss.

What now?

I said a long time ago, "I don't think I will ever graduate college".

And it holds true today.

Being a military wife, I had to start over on my degree plan every time I moved.  So, I'm out of financial aid...besides...I've been trying to get this degree for 20 years now.

Twenty freaking years...I've worked hard.  I've endured 2 abusive husbands, 2 divorces, and being homeless twice, yet still I perservered.

And now, I have no funding for these last ten classes.  

TWO SEMESTERS...that's all that is between me and a piece of paper that i've worked very hard for.

I've had people make promises and break them.

I've done a lot.

Yeah, because I was homeless my GPA dropped...I get that...even though that's not a good enough excuse.  

People like me don't get degrees, we are the ones that do the minimum wage jobs for those that do have the degrees.

I've always dreamed of having a house, and a car that is reliable.  I've dreamed of going to work every day in an office, or a classroom...I'm not picky.

TEN classes....TWO semesters....that's all that is left.

I helped my ex through college, and the deal we made was for him to support me in college after he got his degree...yeah, that didn't happen.  

I don't know if I will ever be able to finish these last ten classes...right now, I have to find some sort of job...something to help out.  

On the bright side...I can study for my Magic Judges Exam, and try to get better at playing Magic...maybe I can earn the money that way.  

So, unless by some miracle, I have a benefactor that is willing to pay for the next semester, FOUR of those ten classes, I won't be able to finish.  If I can pass those FOUR classes, then DARS will pay for the rest of my education...until then...I'm on the outside looking in...and Hoping.

Why do you use that? That being my wheelchair...

I've had several people ask me why I use a wheelchair, and I've learned to have a great comeback for that...

I'm an overachiever!

Seriously, though...why do I use a wheelchair, when I can walk...albeit a little bit.  The answer is: 

I'm an overachiever!

or  My body doesn't like me...

So, the first thing is Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, otherwise known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.  This is the most painful disease known to medicine.  On a daily basis, I live with pain around a 7 out of 10.  For 20 years, I fought this disease.  For 20 years, I lived with the pain, sometimes so bad I would be crying.  It all came down to "how bad do I want to hurt while walking?" and what happened during a football game in Dallas.  The ex and I went to a game, and he didn't want to pay the $50 that I usually pay for parking.  There's a perfectly good parking lot 5 minutes from the stadium...he didn't realize it was the very outer edges of the furthest parking lot of the stadium.  

So, I sucked it up and walked...by then I was using crutches.  During the game he had me going to get the drinks and snacks.  After the game, it was time to go back to the car...by this time I was in so much pain I could barely walk.  So, what should have taken 15 minutes took me over 45 minutes...and it was 9/10 of a mile.  He still couldn't understand why I was in tears by the time I got to the car.  

When I went to my doctor to see if there was stronger pain killers or something, he suggested it was time for a wheelchair.  So, I agreed.  Using the chair helped with the pain....A LOT!! 

But, the ex didn't believe that I needed the wheelchair.  So, on March 17, 2016 we got into an argument about me using the wheelchair.  He was saying I didn't need it, I was saying I didn't want to be around him.  It ended with him assaulting me, and throwing me out of my wheelchair.  When that happened, I had abrasions on my arms and knees, but my back was also hurting...I chalked it up to me overreacting to the assault.

Then...my back pain kept getting worse.  Now, I've been living with back pain for 9 years because (and here's more of the overachiever part) I have Syringomyelia, or a syrinx in my spinal cord.  It hurts, but has always taken a back burner to the RSD.  

Then I went to the doctor, and he noticed my foot spasming and asked me how long that has been happening...I told him since I was assaulted.  He immediately sent me for an MRI.

When I got the results of the MRI, and went to the doctor, I told him I was in tears that morning because of the pain...getting out of bed is always the worst.  He looked at the results of the MRI and shook his head, and said to himself "I don't understand why you're not in excruciating pain."  (Keep in mind I've been dealing with RSD for 20 years, and have a VERY HIGH tolerance to pain.) He then did a couple of reflex tests, which were amusing because there was very very little movement if at all...and shook his head again.  Then, his eyes got wide, and he looked at me and said, "You are in excruciating pain" it's just that you're so used to the pain that you can deal with it a little better.  So, it has been verified...my ex gave me an incomplete SCI when he assaulted me.  This was clearly evidenced last week when I accidently had boiling water splashed on my foot.  I felt the water hit, but no pain.  We got my brace and sock off immediately, and I poured cold water on my foot because I knew...even though I didn't feel any pain, my body was feeling it.  My poor foot immediately went into spasms and my leg started cramping...for the first time since this whole ride began, my calf was actually cramping...before this it's always been my thigh...so yeah I was freaking out a bit.  

The verdict?  A second degree scald on the top of my foot...No, it never hurt, but I've been really careful with it.  

So why do I use that thing?  (Again, it's a wheelchair, and it's OK to ask) 

Again, I joke about it...tell people I'm really lazy, that I argue with stairs, and that walking is overrated.  Take your pick.  I'm an overachiever, even in rare diseases I overachieve....I can't have just one.  Yes, it's ok to ask me anything, and I will answer.  And, no I'm not the best using a wheelchair, but I can balance like you wouldn't believe.  

I don't let it stop me...I participate in Amtgard and go camping...it's hard, and I use my crutches a lot.  I've even gotten brave and walked without my crutches...just as long as I have my braces on.  I've incorporated my braces into my garb...and the people at my park do try to be careful with me when I do decide to participate in the games...though it's rare.  

So, if you see me walking, know that it does hurt me...A LOT...and that I'm fighting through the pain.  I refuse to let my disease identify and limit me, and I TRY REALLY HARD to do everything that I used to do.  

Busy Busy Busy

So, I want to interact with ya'll and tell you more of what's going on...

BUT....

I'm so gosh darn busy lately.

I think I may be a bit on the crazy side.  I've taken FIVE upper level classes this semester.

Then I have the FIVE clubs that I'm a member of.

I'm an officer in FOUR of those clubs.

I'm president of TWO of those clubs.

Oh yeah, did I mention the internship I accepted this semester?

Yeah, got that covered also.

So, as you see...if my posts are sporadic again, it's a GOOD busy!

I'm really enjoying things this semester so far, tomorrow is the end of the third week of school.

Oh yeah...I received word last night that I get to go to SFA Days in Austin in a couple weeks.  

I will be taking a lot of pictures and posting them when I go! Also, I will be posting pictures of my adventures in Amtgard (also the LARP club).  Stay tuned.

Happy New Year!

As we welcome in a New Year, I want to reflect on this past year.  

There have been times when I thought I couldn't go on, and there are times when I was so full of hope that it was overflowing.  There are different reasons to celebrate a new year. It could be because you have dreams for the upcoming year, or you want a horrible year to be in the past.  Or both.

In the past year I've done several things and had several things happen to me:

I fought my apartments about Fair Housing and got evicted.

I survived an assault from my ex husband which left me with an incomplete SCI.

I was recognized as "Senator of the Year" for Student Government Association.

I found a new place to live, and had to move from there because of the ex.

I finally got back on track as far as school.

I've learned to walk with AFO's...it's kinda interesting.

I was nominated as Sergeant at Arms of Student Government Association.

I've learned a lot this past year, and I still have a lot of learning to do.  This life is constantly changing and I'm constantly changing with it.  I've said goodbye to my marriage, and I've accepted the fact that I'm single again.  There's always room for improvement and there's always goals.  So, with that being said, here are a couple of resolutions for 2017:

1.  Get a job.

2.  Keep an apartment.

3.  Win at least one tournament in Magic.

4.  Get my Level I judge for Magic.

5.  Get Certified Student Leader endorsements.

6.  Get all three levels of CMAP.

7.  Try to repair broken relationships, and make ammends to those I have wronged.

8.  Continue rebuilding my life.

These may seem like stupid goals to some, but to me, it's showing that my life is going on, that I"m not letting HIM hold me back, that I can perservere even though my life is changed.  

Am I really worth so little?

So, I figure before I’m silenced, I will tell what has happened to me from the apartments.  They want me to drop the Fair Housing complaint, and sign a confidentiality agreement. 

FOR $3,500. 00

Apparently this is all they think I’m worth.  All the things that they’ve done, how many times I’ve asked for the handicap parking spot.  The times I’ve had to call the police.  Even the time I had to get an escort into my own apartment from the police because the manager let other tenants stand behind my car, and wouldn’t let me back out. 

Then I got this email from the lady at Texas Workforce…

The Respondents have made a counter offer:

1.       My clients will waive the amounts due and owing from Ms. Cook as set forth on the ledger;

2.       My clients will pay $2,000.00 to Ms. Cook;

3.       The parties will sign a settlement agreement prepared by the undersigned to include a full release and confidentiality provision, among other things; and

4.       Ms. Cook will withdraw her Fair Housing Complaint (no conciliation agreement)

The offer will be available until the end of the week.

As I stated below, I have discussed my recommendation with management and legal. I want you to be aware that they may not agree with my determination.  If that happens the case will be dismissed no cause. If they agree and the case moves forward it not likely that the damages will be anywhere in the range that you are seeking. If the Respondents make a reasonable offer TWC may move forward without you and settle for public relief. As far as the determination I should have managements’ response by next Tuesday afternoon. Either way I will contact you to let you know.

Then I was sent this email:

I will tell you that the Pre-Determination will be a Mixed Cause finding.  Meaning that we do not have enough evidence to the allegations of Failure to Rent and Harassment.  If you have additional evidence that you believe supports the allegation then please submit it now.  If you have witnesses who witnessed firsthand the harassment allegations, then provide their contact information. I still have not heard from the witness you state wanted to remain anonymous nor have I been provided with their contact information. Your other witnesses have either not responded or their contact information provided was not in service.

Then I got this email:

Respondents have counter offered by raising the amount  on item 1. from $2000.00 to $3500.00. Items 3 and 4 will stay the same.

Respondents state that  the offer is good until Monday, September 26, 2016 and it is their final and best offer.

Either way, they want me to sign away my soul for $3,500, when the dollar amount of things that I lost when they evicted me were over $12,000.  This is a property that is targeting SFA college students.  And, since I’ve moved out, I’ve talked to half a dozen other tenants that have moved out for various reasons, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM  was sent a bill for over $2,000. 

I wish I could afford an attorney to fight them.  I wish I could tell the world what they did.  I wish I could have back some of the stuff they threw away.  Right now, I’m fighting to just survive.  I can’t afford my rent right now because I had to move to a place more expensive and further from school.  I only eat one meal a day on average, and that’s only because I got a 50 block meal plan.  Soon, that will be gone also.   I don’t have internet at home, I’m living on the bare essentials, with a little splurge here and there.  I’m trying to find a job, but no one really wants to hire someone in a wheelchair lately. 

I want to shout that I survived the harassment that the apartments have put me through.  I want to tell Texas Workforce, that this should have been decided months ago.  This fair housing complaint was filed in FEBRUARY!! The law states it should have been settled in 100 days.  We’re going on six months.  My offer to the apartments was $15,000.  That would have gotten me everything that I lost, and a little left to actually try to pay all my bills.  There was a blatant fair housing violation, and they’re getting away with it.  I don’t know what else to do.  

Yes, I am #blessed

So, I get emails when a lot of people post their blogs, and I got one today that I had to reply to.

Another advocate of a special needs family member posted a blog about being blessed.  And, while I agree with most of what is said, I do have to argue about the faith, and praying.

You see, when I was homeless, I thought I was still blessed because I at least had a car to sleep in.  I had a pastor that cared about me so much that he let me sleep on the couch there instead of in my car during the coldest months last year.  I am blessed because I had friends to stand by me.  

Because I am so blessed, I learned a lot of things.  

1.  There are people worse off than I am.

2.  I know who my real friends are.

3.  I know I'm a survivor.

4.  I know what I am made of.

5.  I know that God hasn't abandoned me.

Yes, I do live in fear of several things because of what has happened.  I live in fear of becoming homeless again...EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  I live in fear that if my ex gets out of jail, he will assault me again.  I live in fear that DTI Investments will get away with the harassment and discrimination that they put me through from December through May.  Mostly, I live in fear that I haven't grown enough this past year to see all the every day blessings that happen.

Now, to get back to the part of what I don't agree with.  Yes, it may seem that you have been punished, but in reality, you were given a gift.  Your daughter is a wonderful person because you have been blessed with a strong marriage and family support.  I have nothing.  I have no family to help me out, I have no family to cry on their shoulder, and I have no family to care about me.  

My family is cut throat, and will do anything to screw up my life.  I have an older sister that I don't talk to because she thinks that my ex did nothing wrong, even when he assaulted me.  Her first words to me were "what did you do to make him assault you?"  I have a father that chased me down the street with a butcher knife when I was younger. I have a mother that was (and still is) a hypochondriac.  I have a little sister and little brother that I don't really talk to, in fact I don't even know where they live.  I have a daughter that I haven't see or heard from since she was 4.  And I have a son I haven't seen in person since he was 5, and he has his own daughter now.

I've been wanting to start blogging again, but haven't figured out how to adjust things to my new life.  I'm single again...at 40ish.  I'm still trying to finish school, and I'm struggling.  

But, my life is #blessed because I refuse to not see the small blessings.  

Why I Chose to Fight for a Parking Spot (Or why I got evicted)

You may think that I should have just let it go.

You may think that I was asking for trouble for standing up for myself.

And...you're probably right.

But, if there's one thing that really upsets me, it's when people feel they can walk all over others because they're in a position of power.

Yes, I'm talking about my apartment complex.  

When I moved in, I told them there would be days when I would have to take my wheelchair into the apartment.  That I had a handicap placard, and would be using it.  I thought it was really cool that there was a handicap parking spot right outside my apartment.  Then...this happened:

Yes, that would be a car parked in the striped no parking area right next to the handicap spot.  On a side not, I usually parked a little over the line to give the person next to the handicap spot room to open their doors because the spots were so close together.

The next morning, the car was still there...it was there so late the next morning that I was late for a final exam...I couldn't get my stuff into the car.  When the guy went into the office, and came out, he said the manager said he could park there.  

I'm thinking to myself, wait a minute, this is a no parking zone, and yet the manager just said he could park there.  Something's not right.  So, I decided to look at the Fair Housing Laws, and confirmed that an assigned handicap parking spot is a reasonable accomodation.  And, it would eliminate people parking in the striped area...or so I thought.  

When I asked the manager for the assigned spot, I was told that they'r'e private property and they don't have to provide that accommodation.  So, I checked the law even more.  And this is what I found:

Requires housing providers to make reasonable accommodations for persons with disabilities. A reasonable accommodation is a change in rules, policies, practices, or services so that a person with a disability will have an equal opportunity to use and enjoy a dwelling unit or common space. A housing provider should do everything s/he can to assist, but s/he is not required to make changes that would fundamentally alter the program or create an undue financial and administrative burden. Reasonable accommodations may be necessary at all stages of the housing process, including application, tenancy, or to prevent eviction.

Example: A housing provider would make a reasonable accommodation for a tenant with mobility impairment by fulfilling the tenant's request for a reserved parking space in front of the entrance to their unit, even though all parking is unreserved.

*Here is the link if you want to check it out* 

So, I printed it out, and went back to my apartment manager, and showed it to them.  I got "we will let the attorney's know".  That was it.  In the meantime there continued to be people parking in the striped spot and the handicap spot itself...without a handicap placard.  

This is when I started keeping records.  On more than one occasion I had to call friends to take my things into my apartment because there was not parking. And, several times, I couldn't get in my car.  And, Yet, I continued to ask for the parking spot.  

By the middle of February, when I filed the complaint, I was so frustrated and overwhelmed that I started looking for another apartment.  I wanted to first have all of my ducks in a row before I gave notice and broke my lease.  

In March, it started to get to the point where I felt I was being harassed because I kept asking for the parking spot.  I started staying at school later and later...the Student Center stays open every night until 11 PM.  Then I would go to McDonald's and waste time there.  It got to the point where I would stay gone from my apartment until I was literally falling over because I was so tired.  And I would turn around and get up early, and be at the Student Center when their doors opened at 7AM.  

Then in April, one of the new tenants called the apartment manager and said I followed her to school (the apartment is half a mile from the school) and that she was scared to come home.  Scared of ME...who sits in a wheelchair all day, and am usually in so much pain, I really don't want to mess with anyone.  

It's hard enough for me to carry my Smart Drive into the house, let alone try to find out exactly who this chick was and where she lived.  I could care less about that at this point.  And...I got home that night to an eviction notice.  Yep, you guessed it...lease violation.  I'm such a scary person.

I knew that my Fair Housing Complaint was working it's way through the system, and I was hoping that it would get through the system in time, but it didn't.  

So, I went to court, and got evicted.  And, I asked for some time until the end of the semester, when all the housing would open up.  

And, the apartments wouldn't budge.  I do have to say that I talked to the Regional Office earlier this week...they said they would let me have my parking spot, and let me stay.  I said Thanks but no Thanks because I want them to learn the law and I want them held responsible for every night I had to leave my stuff in the car because I couldn't carry it in, or every night I couldn't charge my Smart Drive.  

So, thanks to some very awesome and wonderful football players, my stuff made it into storage.  I may not have a roof over my head, but I know I can take a stand and fight for what I'm legally entitled to get.  

And, this is where I am not.  I'm homeless again, and I'm fighting for my rights.  

Fair Housing is coming here to Nac in June, and I have about NINE pages of paperwork to fill out..  Personally, I just want this to go away.  Yeah, I think I may be strong enough to stand up for my rights, but there are days where just standing up is too painful.  It's why I use a wheelchair, and why I asked for that parking spot.  So, in the coming days, I'm going to probably post some of the pictures and videos.  And, I will try to keep you updated.  But, right now, there is very little fight left in me.  I just want to finish my education, and get a good job, and provide for my son.  

Here are a couple of the pictures of cars parked in the handicap spot, and the spot next to it.  The gray car is the maintenance guy, who said the striped spot was his "assigned parking spot".

  

This is one of my favorites...To be able to feel that privileged.  

I'm also uploading a video to youtube.  Personally, it sums up the past 5 months for me.  

I Am Officially Homeless

Well, it's happened.  The time came and went and still, I had no options.  

I did have wonderful friends that helped me move my stuff into a trailer for storage until I find a place.

I did have wonderful friends that invited me to brunch to take my mind off things for a little while, and they also wanted to see the Wesley Foundation, that has done so much for me so far.

And, I'm more fortunate than most...I at least had a car that I could sleep in.  

It may not be ideal, but at least it kept me from the elements, because, boy it got cold last night.  Even the covers in my car didn't help much.  I have about 45 minutes before the student center opens up, and I know I can go and change there, along with use my meal plan and get some breakfast...oh yeah and get WARM!

When I do eat, I'm going to have to charge my smart drive because it's getting down on battery levels.  

I have been very humbled throughout all of this, and I know that God has a plan for me.  

I want to forgive my landlords and roommate, but right now I'm not ready to.  There were oral agreements made, and the landlords committed breach of contract with those.  The roommate is just acting like a spoiled brat (in my opinion).  Yes, I'm not perfect but SERIOUSLY...it was one argument and I was only behind $150 on rent....which they agreed to work with me on until I get my social security.  

One of the landlords did talk to me last week (and made me late to class) and said that because the lease had "NO DOGS ALLOWED" underlined and highlighted, they did not have to let Rainie stay there.  Guess what guys, she was a service dog, and an emotional support dog...she didn't count as a dog, and what was done was against the law.  There is no way to get out of it...what they didn't know was when the mediator went to them for a settlement of some sort, I was so desperate I would have accepted just about anything.  I'm more desperate now, but there's really not much more that can be done to me that I haven't already gone through.  

Give me a couple of weeks, and things will be better...and honestly, besides the cold, this isn't too bad.  I haven't been sleeping well anyway lately, and this actually isn't all that uncomfortable.  I miss my son, and I miss his dad.  If given the choice to not go through this, I think I would stay on the path that God has set for me.  The "hardships" are not really hard when you know you have something to look forward to, or even something to work towards.  I have both.  I know this is temporary and I know that I will still be going to school despite everything that is going on.  Now, it's time to go and find myself some clothes for today, and go change, then head to the school for some breakfast.  

i. can. do. this.

i. am. not. broken. yet.

As long as I remember these two things, then I will be fine.  

Also, here is the gofundme that my friend Marissa started for me.  

This whole situation sucks!

First off I want to say, yes, I care about what happened in Paris, and I would love to help, however, right now I have more pressing issues.  

I've said before, and I will say again...my faith is great!  I know that God has a plan through all of this ugliness.  And, yes, I will follow his plan.

With that being said, I never said I had to like his plan.  In fact, I think this whole situation sucks! In tmy opinion, he landlords still think that they can get out of the Fair Housing complaint because the lease stated "underlined and highlighted" "NO DOGS!" The problem with that, service animals aren't seen as dogs, etc...they are assistive devices.  They help people with disabilities.  There's no way around that one...the violations are there, they should have just said, thank you for telling us we were wrong how can we fix this?  

Then, the male landlord came by the other day, and besides making me late for class, told me that they are going after me for defamation of character because I'm putting what they do on the internet.  There are several websites that list the difinition of defamation as : 

the act of making UNTRUE statements about another which damages his/her reputation

What I post is TRUTH!  And, how the heck can this damage your "reputation" when you bragged that there were over 200 people in your bible study last week?  Seriously?  Damaging your reputation?  I have been a blogger for over five years, I think I understand the first amendment that allows :

FREEDOM. OF. SPEECH.

Yes, it's true that you raised your voice at me, and I will be uploading that soon.  Yes, it's true that you turned that power off, and Nacogdoches police called you about it...and you still kept it off for a WEEK.  I had over $300 worth of food in the refrigerator/freezer...which went bad because of this.

And, it's not my fault that you're paying for a hotel for the roommate who (again in my opinion) is not acting with the best maturity in this whole situation.  

So, it's tomorrow.  I have friends that are going to help me pack up what little I have, and put it all in a storage trailer until I can get my own place again.  Yes, I will be sleeping in my car. I've called Godtell, and if I went there I would have to attend Bible study twice a day, which I have no problem with, and would actually welcome it...however, I have my prior commitments that keep me out past 7:00PM every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and I will not shirk my responsibilities at school.  I made a commitment and I will abide by it.  

P.S. I did go drown my sorrows in Friday Night Magic, and it was Modern night, and I totally LOST!!  I need to work on my decks and see where to go from there!  BUT...this is a learning process and next week I'm sooooo going to win at least one round! 

I have to get ready for Showcase Saturday at the school, then there is a football game, and also a basketball game...I think I'm going to be quite busy today.  Don't worry about me getting my stuff packed...remember...Army wife, I can knock this all out in about 1-2 hours!

Have a GREAT SATURDAY!!

P.S. Here is a picture of some of the $10K in damage I supposedly did to the tile floors!!

Besides the tracks from my tires because I was going over wet floors...how is this $10K worth of damage???

A New Adventure

So, court didn't go well at all.

I've spent all day between crying and not walking to talk to people.

I'm really sorry if you were trying to talk to me but I wasn't answering.

I get to go to a new phase of my life.

My education is so important to me that I will be sleeping in my car.  

At least I can stay at school until the library or student center closes.

Right now, I'm working on consolidating everything to where it will fit in my car and also have enough room for me to sleep.

It's a good thing that JJ is with his friend.  I've tried to shield him from this horrible life as much as possible.  All he knows is he gets to spend every night with his friend, and that's a good thing.

But, God, I really miss him.  It's another reason I'm crying so much.  

I can hope for a miracle before Wednesday.  

I've made a list so that I can try to make my car as organized as I can...but we know how I am.

One piece of paper and it's all over the place. 

NOTHING is going to keep me from school...NOTHING.

I will finish my education, and I will thrive.

I can fall into bed every night after studying all day, and then when I wake up I can always find a place to shower.  What I don't understand is...how can a landlord treat a person like this, especially one that is disabled?  

And, not only do I have to get used to being in my car, but I also have to figure out how I'm going to represent myself with this small claims case they've filed against me.
Have I mentioned that they took my doorknob so that I can't close or lock the door to my room, and they turned the power off for a week.  Yes, they knew it was against the law, but it was a civil suit, and told the police officer that they weren't going to turn it back on...I think.  (She didn't share with me what was said, but she did tell them that it was illegal...and yet the power was off for a whole week)

All I ask of you is to not be sad for me.

God has a plan.  Pray for James.  My poor son doesn't know what's going on.  All he knows is that his daddy isn't around and that his mommy sent him to stay with his friend.  

According to my roommate (pictured below);

I am a horrible and selfish mom.  She told me that any mom who gave up their child doesn't deserve to be a mom.  She knew about my oldest, and she said I was selfish.  

I have always done what is best for my children, even if it isn't being with me.  

I let JJ stay with his friend to avoid being around this person, who threatened to throw all his toys away.  What kind of person would do that?  

Me, I'm going to be OK. 

I've found a place, but I don't have the $399 for the rent...I've already paid the deposit.  I'm not sure it can be held for me much longer and I don't know how long it will be until I can raise the funds.  

I will post another blog soon with all the information.  But for now, Here's a screencap of my landlords:

Soon, I will post the recording of him telling me I was 100% negligent because there was mud on the floors.  Tile and wood floors, not even carpet.  

This weekend, I am attending a leadership conference. 

Then I'm going to pack most of my stuff up and get ready to move.  

I've don't think I've ever been through worse, but I do know that I'm a survivor.

I may have been knocked down, but I'm not out.  

I hope you guys have a great weekend.  I miss my son.  I miss my husband.

My friend started a hashtag: #Mercy4Marci

Don't Wish Me Luck Today, Wish Me A Blessing

Today, I head to court to fight my eviction.

Today, I have God as my shield in this fight.

Today, I hope to win, even if it's a tiny battle.

I'm getting evicted.  I'm not really happy about it.

There was a verbal agreement between my landlord and I, reiterated by a text message.

I had asked her to start the eviction process earlier this month, on October 12. 

On October 13, she told me (via text message) we had the following conversation:

LL: Please deposit some of the rent you owe

Me: I can't afford it and the late fees.

LL: What can you pay

Me: I've got $300 to last until I get my social security

LL: OK but what can you pay for your rent now

Me: If I don't get evicted $200 but I can catch up and get ahead as soon as I get the social security.  But I think I would rather take the eviction so I can have the service dog at another place.  I can get her certification paperwork as soon as I get her

LL: Deposit the $200 and then you can lay  [sic] the remaining $300 as soon as you can.

In this conversation, there is (in my opinion) an agreement about my rent.  She accepted the fact that I can't pay that much rent, and that I would catch up and get ahead when I get my social security.

Side note: I had the medical appointment for Social Security on Monday.  My case has been flagged as "dire need" and my caseworker is looking for the report from the doctor.  

On the morning of October 23, I had this conversation with my Landlord:

LL: I don't care about the spare room.  At this point if you can't work it out then H***** (name protected) has the upper hand her because of her rent.

Me: I understand.  I'm not bothering her.  I think everything is taken care of and I'm leaving her alone.  So are you making it back up to $900 or still at $700? (this is in regards to the amount of rent to be paid)

LL: Just catch up with rent first

Again, there is the implication that she has accepted that my rent is late.  There is also no mention of the late fees.  Yes, she has been very lenient with me about the rent.  

But, I feel to say this via text message, and then turn around that afternoon and hand me an eviction notice is wrong.  

If you think what is happening to me is wrong, please spread the word.  My friend came up with the hashtag #Mercy4Marci that we will be using.  

My Faith is GREAT.  I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that no matter how things go today, it is according to his plan.  

Why Are We NOT Paid?

Yesterday was one of THOSE days.

You know the one that starts out crappy, and it goes downhill from there.

I took everything in stride all day...went with the flow and just kept going.  After all, that's what I do.  I ALWAYS find the bright side of things.

Yesterday was no exception.  Even with things being crazy and it being a big time MONDAY...I still found the bright side of things.  There's always something good in EVERY bad situation.  

YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THAT RAY OF HOPE.

So, what happened? 

Well, there was an incident at work that caused us to scramble to open.  The ray of hope there was that it didn't cost as much as it was thought at first.  

What else happened?

Not much during work, but after work I had an appointment.

And, I discovered something.  I'm not quite ready to spill on that, but it does lead me to the incident that had me literally IN TEARS.

You see, having a family member with a Traumatic Brain Injury is a ROLLER COASTER.  You can be on top of the world one moment because things are finally starting to settle down.  Things are getting better and you THINK that everything is under control.  But, the problem with a TBI is, that rug under your feet...it gets yanked BIG TIME.  There is no set schedule, there is no routine, there is no getting used to things.  

EVERY DAY IS A CHALLENGE.  Every day is unknown.  Yeah, you may be in a routine with the daily tasks, but there is always that wrench that is just standing over you, waiting to get thrown into your plans. 

That's something else that you learn...YOU HAVE NO PLANS.

I read an article yesterday about military spouses being thrown into the role of "caregiver".  This article didn't state anything about PTSD or TBI, but just in general the role of "caregiver".  

I have to say from experience...

The role of CAREGIVER is broad and definitely NOT DEFINED.  

For some, it's taking care of the household and bills and kids and just everything while the spouse is deployed.  For others, like me, it's the literal role of CAREGIVER.

We are given the task of taking care of our spouse when they have a TBI, when they have PTSD.

I believe, as I have always believed, that God chooses us for these roles.  He doesn't give us more than we can handle.  There are times when we think we can't handle any more, just to get a little more thrown on our already full plates.  

When I married Mike, I said for better or worse and in sickness and in health.  I loved him 20 years ago, and I love him today.  I love him with our without his TBI.  But, there are times it is 

REALLY HARD.  I'm not saying it's hard to love him, that is the easiest thing for us right now.

But it's hard to live this life that God has given me.  It's hard to watch someone NOT be able to handle things that we both know he used to be able to handle.  

Emotions is one of the hardest things for him to control.  The combination of PTSD and TBI just magnifies the problem.  

I often find myself apologizing to people because of his outbursts.  I frequently have to get us out of a situation because he has no control of some emotions.  It's not his fault, and I know he tries.  I also know that this kills him because he remembers what it was like to be able to control the emotions.  He knows EVERY DAY that something is wrong with him and he has no control over it, nor can he fix it.

Back to God choosing me.  I've known for a long time that I'm here for a reason (that's another post that I haven't had the courage to write yet).  I know that God has chosen me for something...I just don't know what it is, and I'm not sure I want to know what it is, because then I would be working towards that reason.  

All the soldiers coming back from war with PTSD and TBI...Yes, I know you didn't ask for this.  I know that your spouses didn't ask for this.  I also know that you and your spouses were chosen for this by God.  My faith in God is very strong.  I don't question him.  I do, in my times of despair, question WHY?

Why was I chosen for this?  How am I so strong to deal with this?  

The incident yesterday, again, put me on that line.  You know, that line where you question, "How much more can I take?"  I thank God every day for the people in my life.  Because without their hand and shoulder to lend me strength, I don't know if I could keep going.  Yet, every day I wake up and fight again for my husband.  Every day I wake up and deal with whatever new problem that comes around.  Every day I wake up with HOPE.  Every day I wake up LOVED.  Not only by my husband and family but by my wonderful friends and coworkers.  

I have learned to deal with the role of  "CAREGIVER".  I accept this challenge and this life with both eyes, both arms, and my heart WIDE OPEN.  

But, on days like yesterday...I wonder...

WHY ARE WE AS CAREGIVERS NOT PAID BY THE MILITARY FOR OUR SERVICES?

Why, when a civilian has a TBI, do they have a nurse or social worker come into their house and help them with the same things that we spouses do?  Why does the Veterans Administration take advantage of us spouses?  We care for our spouses, we make sure they get their meds, we make sure they get to their appointments, we make sure the bills are paid, we make sure that they can lead as normal a life as possible with the new disabilities that they have.  This is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year job.  In some cases it's a FULL TIME JOB.  But, in my opinion, the Veterans Administration takes advantage of use.  We don't get recognized, we don't get paid (by them), we don't get any extra benefits.  

WE TAKE CARE OF OUR VETERANS BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM.  WE MADE THAT VOW TO THEM WHEN WE MARRIED THEM.  

FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.

I'm not saying that I want extra money, though it would be nice.  I'm not saying that I don't like my life, I LOVE my life, I just don't like certain aspects of it at times.  The good times far outweigh the bad.  There are ALWAYS MORE SMILES THAN TEARS.  But, just once, I would like the Veterans Administration say, we recognize the job that spouses do, and we couldn't do our jobs without the spouses.  Here's a little something for all your hard work.

*OK...end of my little rant...yes it was one of those days where I was in tears and just needed a HUG*

What does Memorial Day mean to you?

This weekend is a holiday weekend.  Most people care about the 3-day weekend, and BBQ picnics.  In our family, we remember.  My husband, Mike, usually sits by himself and reflects on the past.  Mike is haunted by the past.  He has survivors guilt.  Constantly wondering why he didn't die also.  

I have no answers for that.  I don't even know why, except that he is here, and one of his soldiers isn't. 

Memorial Day is defined as a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces.  But for those who lived it, that's every day.  They don't forget.  

(Here's my two cents worth coming in now)  I think that the reason Mike's PTSD keeps getting worse is because of the survivors guilt.  I don't think he deserves to have a family when his soldier didn't get that chance.  

There are certain days of the year when I know to leave Mike alone.  I have given up so much to be with him.  Because of his PTSD, he avoids crowds, he doesn't go anywhere, and he really doesn't sleep anymore.  I told him yesterday he reminded me of my grandpa, who served during the Korean War.  I don't ever remember him sleeping with my grandma, he had his own room.  He would never leave the house, and he hardly ever slept.  He would be up at nights when we visited and just sit on the porch.  That's about how Mike is now.  I can't remember the last time he came to bed with me...though at times he comes in later.  

Would most wives be supportive of their husband staying up all night because they can't sleep?  Would most wives be supportive of their husband playing a video game all the time?

Would most wives be supportive of their husband just walking off by themselves?

I support all of these!  These are the quirks that I've learned to live.  I listen to him talk about a game I have no interest in...it's his escape.  His "therapy".  I've given up many things for him.  The PTSD has gotten so bad that we hardly go to sports games anymore...even if we could afford it.  

While I'm on that thought...while you're enjoying your weekend, and ALL THOSE SALES AT THE STORES...please REMEMBER that there are soldiers that are still appealing their disability...still going month to month eating beans and rice.  YES...that's what we've been eating for about a month now!  Still calling the VA to try to get things rolling...which with this system takes forever.  

What I wouldn't give to have just one week where we didn't have to worry about ANYTHING!! Where we can have an enjoyable week, doing anything...which for Mike right now would be camping and fishing.  Hey, I would take that because that means that it's a vacation.  A week without worrying, without him watching out the front window.  A week of relaxing.  A week of enjoying a lot of food, without worrying if we're going to have money at the end of the month.  A week to see a smile on his face.  

So, while you're having a great weekend, and shopping those sales.  Please, please....remember people like Pfc. Jesse D. Mizener, who was my husbands soldier who didn't make it back.  This young man, whom I've never met, has impacted my life so profoundly.  We do think of him and his family on a regular basis.

So What? Does the Military really care?

You know, you hear of the soldiers with TBI and they get the treatment and the “classification” IF their TBI was actually diagnosed while they were still active duty.  But, what about those that retired right after they come back?  What about those that it didn’t even cross their mind that they might have gotten injured, and it was found out after they retired?  We know that my husband has a TBI; we know that he has PTSD.  The PTSD has been verified.  With the TBI, the best we could get out of the doctors is “it may or may not” have been from their service.  The question I have is this.  Where the hell else would my husband have gotten his head shaken so bad and on such a regular basis that the ventricles closed up and he has Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus.  Does anyone know why we’re having such a hard time getting the disability, and why we’re slowly drowning in our bills?  It’s because after his first surgery for a shunt, he became so ill, that we really were not worried about filling out the “required paperwork” for his disability.  Really, Uncle Sam…my husband means the world to me, and if he is in the hospital with the doctors baffled as to why he was so sick to begin with (they found the infection after he was in the hospital for a couple of days) why would you think that me sending in the paperwork with the exact instances of his experiences on time?  So, of course, all disability from the military got denied.  ALL OF IT!  The best we can hope for now is that they at least expedite his appeal, and from what we’ve been told, the “expedite” service can take at least two years!!!!

Now, because his TBI has not been “classified” as a service related injury, we do not (let me repeat that…DO NOT) qualify for any type of extra help.  He doesn’t get any therapy whatsoever for his brain injury.  Everything that has been done has been done by me, and there’s only so much that I can do.  Yes, I’m classified as a caregiver for my husband, but because he’s high functioning with his TBI, and we’ve found small ways to cope with this, and (oh yeah let’s not forget this one) it’s not “related” to his service YET, I get no outside help.  I pay the bills, I handle all the appointments, I help him with his schoolwork because he is determined to not let his TBI stop him.  So, on top of all that, I also have a 2 year old to take care of and a house to keep clean.  And let’s not forget the three times each week I stay up until 3 AM to help him with his homework, and then get up at 4 because our son doesn’t sleep through the night yet, and then again get up at 6am because that’s what time my son wakes up for the day.  There is very little time to take care of me.  I don’t get the respite care that other people with TBI get.  I don’t get the respite care that we so desperately need.  Instead, I’m a mom, a caregiver, a tutor, a secretary, a wife ALL THE TIME!

There’s only so much a person can handle until they break down, and guess what…I’m only holding on by a hair.  We’re in the process of losing our house, and very close to losing the truck also.  We haven’t had any funds to get more chickens for our farm because they were all killed last year while he was in the hospital.  I don’t know what it’s like to be able to take a day and get a manicure or pedicure, or even get a haircut and spend time just with me.  I’m too busy taking care of my husband and my son.  When I married my husband, I said for better or worse, and in sickness and in health…and I’m still here and would never leave my husband.  But, I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish there was some way for us to qualify for the respite care that others get…it all stems back to not being classified as a “service related” disability. 

I get on average of about 3-5 hours of sleep a night.  I help my husband with his homework so that he can at least get some sleep.  To help with our finances, I’ve started entering sweepstakes and contests.  A lot of those prizes that I do happen to win, I usually sell to pay our bills.  There are people that are able to go to Washington and tell the president, “Hey, we need help.”  And they are great advocates.  But what about those of use that are barely surviving?  What about those of use that have fallen through the cracks?  When do I get my respite?  When can I take a day and just relax?  Instead, I worry constantly about our bills.  I worry constantly about my husband.  I worry constantly about how to take care of our son.  I’ve become very thrifty.  I’ve learned how to use coupons.  We eat very cheap, like most of the time it’s rice and beans.  We let other things go, like my dental work.  In order to get our dental insurance it would be another $77 a month our of our already small checks.  So, I’m afraid to smile because of a broken tooth. 

I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful son.  My life has been very blessed.  At least my husband can function at the level that he does.  He is able to go to school with modifications.  If you were to look at him, you wouldn’t even know he has a brain injury.  But, when you talk to him, and he forgets what you say or you see him walk, and he doesn’t walk a straight line, that’s when you know.  That’s when you realize that any sense of normal left my life three years ago when his brain injury was detected.  Before then, he was taking on average of twenty aspirin a day, just to deal with the headaches.  You see in the papers, that the military is taking steps to get the soldiers their disability sooner…but how many can even hope to hold on to what they have when they’re unable to do the things they used to do.  What about the ones that are struggling to just SURVIVE?  Not to mention, what about those that the military agrees are caretakers?  Do I get a paycheck for taking care of my husband?  NO!  Do I get any days off, or any time to myself?  NO!  Do I get any recognition for all that I do or training to make some of it easier?  NO…everything that I’ve learned, everything that I use to help us, I found on my own, and have devised on our own. 

My husband served this country for 20 years!  He was in two wars, and has over ten different combat patches.  What do we have to show for this?  Over draft every week trying to survive, arrangements with the different bill companies to pay past the due date, and one VERY VERY VERY tired wife.  So, while everyone is focused on those soldiers that get injured in active duty, maybe they should also pay attention to those that the injury doesn’t show up until after they’ve retired or been discharged?  And especially those that don’t live close to any VA Hospital for the therapy that would benefit them?  There is a great need to look at those soldiers that are barely surviving on their own, without all the programs that are “designed” to help them!  Maybe our military should remember those soldiers!!  Maybe the military should also remember those that they have already said are caretakers, yet we don’t get paid one single penny!!  Those that are slowly falling apart because they’re doing way more than is humanly possible!  Maybe you should notice those spouses?  Notice that they are slowly falling apart!!