Saturday, December 21, 2019

Winter Solstice

On this the shortest day of the year, I would like to reflect on everything.
It's been a rough year, but one where I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I'm made of much sterner stuff than I though. 
I've learned that family doesn't change, no matter how much you want to believe it.
I've learned that there is kindness in strangers.
I've learned that it does get cold, very cold in Texas.
I've learned that, not everyone will be there for you, but those that are, will be there through everything.
I've learned that people can be very manipulative.
I've learned that kindness goes a long way.
I've learned that I can go a couple days without eating, but I have to have my Coke.
I've learned that I can fix some things on my van.
I've learned that family isn't what you're born into, but what you make.

Some of these things I've known, but considering the past year, I need to reiterate them many times over.

Yes, I was born into a crappy family, but I wouldn't change that, because it has made me who I am. 
Yes, all my family wants to do is hurt each other, and I'm OK with that, because I don't have to stay and take it.
Yes, it hurts me very deeply to walk out on my family, but for my own safety and metal health, I must.
I know there are hard times ahead, and I know that things are going to be very lonely, but that's OK also, because I am looking out for my safety now.

I miss my mom.
I miss my crafts.
I miss sleeping in a bed.
I miss warmth in the winter, and air conditioning in the summer.
I miss sewing.
I miss making my journals.
I miss having the luxury to make a meal whenever I want.
I miss cooking.
I miss doing laundry overnight, because, well...I'm lazy.
Did I mention, I miss my mom?

Next year is going to be better because I'm going to make it better.  
And, no, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on just me.  I'm going to try to make at least one person smile everywhere I go.  A little smile can go a long way.
I'm going to try to uplift others.
I"m going to try to be a better person.  
I'm going to love more.
I'm going to live for the moment.
I'm going to shed my fears and GO.

Most of all, I miss who I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing who I become, because out of all this crappy stuff that has happened to me, I still haven't lost my ability to care for others or to have compassion, or to be nice, or just be a good person.  I will not let the actions of a few dictate who I become and I will not let the actions of those same few bring me down.  

They may have knocked me down temporarily, but I will always get back up and I will always fight, because this world needs more people that are