Nowhere To Go

 So....I had a place. 

I paid my rent every month, as agreed.

Landlord was happy with me...until the day before Thanksgiving.  

This started the Friday before, November 20, 2020.

I got a call from my landlord, BJ, saying to be home between 4pm-5pm to have someone come look at the floors in the back rooms that I have not been allowed to use.  I rushed home, and no one came by...he came by Saturday, at 5:30pm.  Stayed about 5 minutes. and told the landlord the information.  I immediately get a call from BJ saying I need to put my stuff (the entire house) in storage by WEDNESDAY (yes the day before Thanksgiving) and he would pay for the storage and a hotel for me.  (Keeping in mind, this is how he got rid of the last tenant...paid for a hotel for him and led him to believe he was coming back!!) 

I notified him that, in trying to save him money, I could move the stuff into the rooms not being worked on, he said no, he is doing the whole house...which the contractor already said he was only doing the back room and the living room.  Fast forward through the weekend, where numerous calls and texts were made to get the information for the storage and hotel, which were not answered by BJ or his wife.

Tuesday night...

BJ calls me and demands that I put my stuff outside IN THE RAIN!!! He said he didn't care about my property and that he wanted it out.  He then proceeded to get angry at me because I refused, and told me to be out by the 30th.  He also threatened that he would move my stuff out himself.  

Wednesday...

The contractor came and called BJ because I hadn't moved any of my stuff.  The contractor and I then made a deal, I would move the stuff in the living room into the middle bedroom that I wasn't allowed to use while he was working on it...he was happy and I was happy.  Until BJ threatened my belongings, AGAIN.  Then I said that's it...i'm not moving a thing anymore.

BJ's wife then leaves work and comes to my house, says that I need to move my stuff out onto the front yard, that was muddy and wet.  I said no, you cannot make me do this.  She threatened to call the police...I saved her the hassle, and called them myself.

Police come, and tell her that she cannot do that.

All off a sudden, I'm late on rent (I have cashapp receipts to show I paid rent), I haven't paid a deposit (there was never a mention of deposit), and I didn't pay the water or gas (which I paid water when requested because it was in landlords name and the gas was divided between me and the previous tenant, which I paid my half in cash), and I damaged the property because there was a window broken by the previous tenant (the landlord knew this and told me I still had to pay for it).  

The police told them they would have to evict me, and she asked them about turning off the water, because I supposedly haven't paid the water (again cashapp records).  

So...this is the immediate problem...however, there is also the problem of NO HEAT.  I have repeatedly asked the landlord to provide heat and turn the furnace on because I don't know how.  I have text messages where they have said no.

I was provided three space heaters, however, within minutes of plugging one of them in, the power to the front half of my trailer (the only part I'm allowed to use) blew and I no longer have power in my trailer.  The back two rooms still have power, but now I'm staying in a trailer with no heat and no electricity.  

On top of all this, Petunia (my van) is a little on the sicky side and needs a new transmission and tie rod ends.  I am working on getting the money to get her fixed, which is going to be about $3k.  

So, this is the situation as it stands...I'm backed up against a wall but I will somehow survive this.

When You Wake Up Missing Someone...

I woke up this morning missing my Mom.

Not the woman who gave birth to me, but my Mom.

The one that raised me...

Loved me...

Sheltered me...

Taught me everything...

Showed me what a family is supposed to be like.

I miss Dandi.

She would be able to tell me what to do in times like this.

She would also be there to encourage me, and assure me that...

It.

Will.

Be.

Alright.

Dandi is the one that taught me my manners, she taught me everything that a parent is supposed to teach a child that my parents didn't teach me.

Maybe it's because I saw a bunch of Dandilions yesterday, and I know that is when she's telling me I'm doing the right thing...that I'm on the right path.

Maybe it's because I'm so worn down right now.

I don't want to fight anymore...

I don't want to scrape everything...

I want to go back to the life I had before this tornado, where I felt safe.

Where I worried, but at least had the things I needed.

Dandi is the one that was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

She offered me encouragement when I was to scared to try something new.

She also was not afraid to punish me when I had done something wrong.

With the world going crazy, and everyone being socially distant, Dandi would have been the one to tell me that we're still close, and together.  We will always be together.

On Mother's Day, I light a candle for Dandi.

Most days, she's on my mind, so many years later after she died...

I think of her every day.  I miss her every day.

And now, when I want so badly for someone to just talk to every day...just get on the phone and say 

"What's up?"

"How was your day?"

"This funny thing happened to me today..."

I got no one to call...no one to joke with...no one to talk to.

I am really good at pretending that everything is OK.

I'm really good and hiding the fact that I'm incredibly lonely.

I spend all day at the restaurant, I laugh and joke...

but when the time comes, I go home by myself...I do everything by myself.

Just once, I wish I had someone that I could call and say HI...I'm lonely and I'm having a bad day...please talk to me.  

And I know you're saying...but you're at a restaurant all day...however, I stay out of the way...I don't bother people when they're working, and I try not to be in the way.  

They sometimes talk amongst themselves, and I'm still sitting over here.

So, I read, or try to learn something new...or just browse the internet because my other computer is broken and I can't play MTG Arena.

And, to make myself feel better, I try to do things for other people.  

But, God, I miss being able to call my mom and say

I LOVE YOU!

So, Dandi, I know you're watching me...and I know you're guiding me.

I miss you so very very much. 

Because you at least wanted me, when my own parents didn't.

I wish I could craft

So this quarantine has everyone staying home.

What are you doing to pass the time?

Me, I really wish I was crafting...I would love to be sewing right now, anything.

This makes me think of what people did for entertainment 100 years ago.  They didn't have all the social media, they didn't have TV's, they just had each other.

I've found a few people that have been extremely helpful...

I'm able to park, until Friday at the Wesley Foundation, after that I have to ask again.  

I'm hoping I get paid on Friday, but I seriously doubt it...so I will have to find another place to park.

Today, the big thing is I'm applying for a job around noonish, then I'm going to come back to the park and clean out my van...I seriously hope the police let me finish it, as I'm going to have to take some stuff out of it, and the last time I did that, my LOVELY family called the police on me...like they have anything better to do.

I'm also going to practice walking a bit...hopefully by the time all this is done I can make it around the park...hopefully.

Other than that, my highlight of the day is watching the families that come to play at the park...most of them are practicing the social distancing, however there was one group yesterday that had THREE big families together...LOL...and one of them works in the Business Department at SFA.  I don't think they recognized me.  

Me....I'm going to take more pictures...I wonder if I can go to one of the parking garages and take pictures from the top...those would be really pretty!

That would have me on SFA, and I'm not to the point yet where I can go there without a panic attack, but I may try it since I will have my van right there and can vacate pretty fast if need be.

So, maybe I will get more blog readers with all this...maybe not.  I tried once to build my blog, that didn't work, so now it's for me to just write whatever I want...

So, leave a comment letting me know what you're doing. 

Leave a comment letting me know you're going stir crazy.

Or, just leave a comment telling me how crazy I am...I read all of them.

How do the Homeless "Stay at Home"?

This has really been bothering me.

There are so many people that are out there helping others, no matter how small that is.

I am giving rides to a friend that just got a job, and is trying to keep it.

However, this is keeping me from being able to go to the local homeless shelter, because they demand that I be there by a certain time, and that runs into the time I get my friend from work.

I've already given him my word that I will continue to give him rides, because at least he's trying.

What about the homeless in this time?

The places where we usually eat and spend our time are closed.

The food banks are closed.

There's no way for us to cook what food we do get from the food banks, if we were able to get them.

This is a Country build on the Christian faith.  We came here to escape persecution, and practice our religious beliefs, and I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible (I'm not good at quotes like that) to help thy neighbor.  Aren't the homeless your neighbors?  

No matter what your opinion of them, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle, or their life choices, they are still people.  For me, I just want a shower...others may be a floor to sleep on, a bed would be fantastic!

I'm not going to stop helping my friend because it's the right thing to do.

No one else has stepped up to help him with rides to work.

No one else has even wondered if any of us are OK.

I haven't gotten calls from any family, text messages from friends...

My phone has been so silent, that at times I wonder if it's still working.

I'm more lucky than most.

I have a cot to sleep on, some shelter (even if it does leak), and I can get electricity.

However, my main source of food (through agreements and working odd jobs) closed yesterday.

So, now I'm worried...how am I going to survive this week with no food, and no money to get food.

I should be good once the end of the month hits and I get paid, but until then...I have nothing.

People who I thought were friends, have turned their backs on me.

People who I thought were good Christian people, that would do what is right, have been so absorbed in their own worlds, they've forgotten there are others less fortunate.

Even with the social distancing, I'm sure you make dinner...I'm sure you have some leftovers...how hard would it be to take those leftovers, and find someone that has nowhere to go, nothing to eat...Even if you leave it on a table for them, maintain the 6 foot distance, just let them know that you care and that you're trying.

I went to the park yesterday and saw three families go there and play...how about while you're out on your walk or something, you take some food and drink to the person you KNOW to be homeless and you KNOW where they hang out.  I promise you, we're creatures of habit...we will stay under our bridges, in our parking lot...wherever we feel safe, because we do feel safe there.  

And this whole shelter in place...how the heck can we "Shelter in Place" when we are threatened with a Criminal Trespass if we stay there, or we're told to leave...how many places do you know of that people used to spend their time there, only to have those places closed now?

My rant is over...I'm going to post this and cry a little more, because everything that I was taught growing up about being kind to others, about taking care of others, about treating others how you would want to be treated...Yeah, none of it is happening.  So, I will watch others Facebook live videos, I will participate, I will joke like nothing is wrong...but by myself...I cry...I"m beginning to lose that part of myself that wants to help others...that has faith.

P.S.  No I'm not asking for anything.  I have a place to sleep, and a place to park, even if it's only at night and I have to find somewhere else to go during the day.  I would love to just stay here for a couple of days and get things figured out, but was told it is only at night.  

An Open Letter to Marsha Cook

**I had written this and was going to mail it to  you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on.  I will not hide from you anymore.**

Dear Marsha,

First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me.  So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.

Second, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself.  Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people?  I think about that every day.  When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start."  Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.

Do you remember the plans we had?  That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted.  I'm sorry that won't happen.  I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward.  However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me.  YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT!  ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there.  Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month.  The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends.  Just to say "I'm Sorry".  And I haven't even been able to do that.

What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.  I NEVER thought that you would do this.  We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go  and yet it was US.  And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist.  Now, after everything...I'm alone.

You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you.  I would have moved mountains for you.  Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.

I have to say, I miss being with you.  And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead.  I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO".  I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing.  This way, we can both move on and heal.

There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you.  I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.

So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you.  I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance."  This is the only way I can survive.  The only way I can get some sense of being OK.  Because this is NOT OK for me.  My life is not OK.  There is a huge hole now in my life.

There are some things a woman hides in her heart.  Missing you is going to be one of them.  I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away.  People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes.  People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.

Love,
Marci

*
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all.  I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.

Advice from Friends, More Decisions and Update

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of months, and I have a feeling it's just beginning.

I'm facing a few more difficult decisions, and we all know how I am with decisions...

eeny meeny miney moe is my best friend!!

Soooo, I guess I should give you an update also...here goes.

I'm stuck where I'm currently at because I was headed out and got a flat...it was close to another friend, so I called them.  They sent out another friend, and wham bam, I'm now out a rim and tire.

Yes...

They.

Stole.

My.

RIM!!!

And because I used all the cash I had to get the radiator fixed, I don't have anything to get a new rim.  Hence, the STUCK!!!

 Poor Petunia is sitting on a cinder block right now.

On the first, I will be able to get a new rim, and there is a lovely gentleman that has offered me (I believe) all four rims for $50, I hope...LOL.  If not, I can always get the rim and a new tire.  So, more funds goes into the van, but that's OK because I know that just about everything is good and new on her...which is also good because of the other decision I've made.

Which is....

I will be traveling.  The thought of moving into an apartment or anyplace right now scares the crap out of me...to the point of a panic attack if I think about it too long.

I've been lied to, abused, and all out hurt by anyone that has offered me a place to live (I'm not talking about my wonderful friends that have offered me their sofa or floor for a couple nights when the weather got really cold) so I'm just going to stay in the van and travel for a little while.  I think it would be good for my soul and also healing because I really need to step back (as it were) and just heal from the traumas of the past FIVE YEARS!!!

When I came back from Chicago, I went into survival mode, and I haven't stopped to actually heal from any of those events...and because of that, I've done nothing but spiral and self-destruct since then.  And, I'm pretty much at the bottom.  I have very, VERY few friends left that have put up with me, and to those, I say from the bottom of my heart....

THANK YOU

Starting next month, because, well, this month SUX, I'm going to be traveling and camping in my van wherever I go.  I think I have just about everything I need (except a deep cycle battery for Petunia), and I think I'm ready for this huge jump.  

To those friends that I've pushed away; I'm so sorry I didn't listen, or told you to go to H***, or F*** Off, or any of those other wonderfully colorful expletives, I hope you give me a second chance, or third chance, or even the billionth chance, because I'm a work in progress, and I'm still learning...and healing.

Now, another decision...where to go first?  Next month is going to be tight, so it might be local, or a small distance, but I am not sticking around here...that's for sure.  I've been hurt way too much to stick around!! (That includes the not so wonderful Killeen Police Department, who just stood by and let a majority of this happen.)

Now, I know you're saying, you're braver than I am, because I could NEVER just drive like that, but trust me, it's not bravery...it's self preservation.  

There's nothing for me really anywhere...I've lost my family, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost my school (I do hope I can go back someday)....what's left?

On a side note, I had a friend post this the other day, and it doesn't take money...it takes FAITH to do all this!!

I will, however, have to return to my "home" town once a month for doctors appointments.  And I need to find a mailbox there that I can use, but right now, it's just go.

As I embark on this journey, I will post updates.  I've decided, I'm not going to let my family scare me into hiding...I'm not going to let them scare me into anything anymore!  I may have cowered since November, and been scared to death of them, but no more...they can live their life and I will live mine because frankly, I don't care anymore.  They've blocked my number, and my life is a lot easier that way...except for an emergency when I have to get hold of some family.  That's when doing the grownup thing and just not calling comes in handy...and trust me....I don't call, but you can at least unblock the phone for emergencies, or other situations...Like when I accidentally get mail for them!!! But that's another side note.

So, now to decide where to spend the month of February.  Is there anyone that wants to see me particularly?  Any place I should visit?  Any sites to see...of course keeping in mind that it's going to be a low funds month as I catch up so it needs to be kinda local.  

I'm also planning on getting myself a little stove top for the van, and then the deep cycle battery.  I think what I'm going to do is add my wish list here, and have my mailbox as the delivery for anything that people might want to gift me. There's still a lot that I need for the van, but as of right now, it's very livable and comfortable...not the best but it works.

I've also caught up with a couple of people from my past, and I'm really hoping that one of those turns into something else...but time will tell.  

Now the advice from friends...

It appears I act untrustworthy, and I've tried to be open and honest with everyone, so if you don't trust me for some reason or another, I find that a problem, and would like to remedy that.  It really hurt when this friend said I had ulterior motives for doing things, and seriously, I do things to do them and be nice.  I NEVER expect anything in return, and I understand if that is something that people don't quite get...I'm old fashioned that way.  So, when I do things, it's not for Brownie points, or anything like that, it's me being nice.  That's it, end of story...nothing else to follow.  Half the things I do, are completely random and anonymous.

Example:  One act of kindness that I used to do every week, the people in charge wanted to find out who was doing it...after THREE years of doing this, they finally caught me and said thank you...I don't do it for recognition or anything like that...I do it because it makes ME feel better, and it brings a smile to the people it helps.  To this day, I don't know who this random act of kindness has helped, though I've heard stories...I don't know how many people it has helped, and no one has caught me doing it.  That's the random in random acts of kindness, and yes, when I'm in Nacogdoches, I will continue to do it, however I don't plan on being in Nac anytime soon.

Yes, I'm (as one other person put it) BRUTALLY HONEST!!  If you don't like it, or can't tolerate it, then again...maybe it's best we part ways.  

So, this is what's going on...kind of a long update, and I apologize for that.  I know that some of you will say, "You've been fine since I've known you", but I haven't...I've been hurt and just in survival mode, and I want to start living again.  

So, for those from my past that are still here, Thank You...for my new friends that are still around, Thank You...and to my readers, Thank You.

And now, I wait for eleven more days until the end of the month when I can get that stupid rim.