When You Wake Up Missing Someone...

I woke up this morning missing my Mom.

Not the woman who gave birth to me, but my Mom.

The one that raised me...

Loved me...

Sheltered me...

Taught me everything...

Showed me what a family is supposed to be like.

I miss Dandi.

She would be able to tell me what to do in times like this.

She would also be there to encourage me, and assure me that...

It.

Will.

Be.

Alright.

Dandi is the one that taught me my manners, she taught me everything that a parent is supposed to teach a child that my parents didn't teach me.

Maybe it's because I saw a bunch of Dandilions yesterday, and I know that is when she's telling me I'm doing the right thing...that I'm on the right path.

Maybe it's because I'm so worn down right now.

I don't want to fight anymore...

I don't want to scrape everything...

I want to go back to the life I had before this tornado, where I felt safe.

Where I worried, but at least had the things I needed.

Dandi is the one that was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

She offered me encouragement when I was to scared to try something new.

She also was not afraid to punish me when I had done something wrong.

With the world going crazy, and everyone being socially distant, Dandi would have been the one to tell me that we're still close, and together.  We will always be together.

On Mother's Day, I light a candle for Dandi.

Most days, she's on my mind, so many years later after she died...

I think of her every day.  I miss her every day.

And now, when I want so badly for someone to just talk to every day...just get on the phone and say 

"What's up?"

"How was your day?"

"This funny thing happened to me today..."

I got no one to call...no one to joke with...no one to talk to.

I am really good at pretending that everything is OK.

I'm really good and hiding the fact that I'm incredibly lonely.

I spend all day at the restaurant, I laugh and joke...

but when the time comes, I go home by myself...I do everything by myself.

Just once, I wish I had someone that I could call and say HI...I'm lonely and I'm having a bad day...please talk to me.  

And I know you're saying...but you're at a restaurant all day...however, I stay out of the way...I don't bother people when they're working, and I try not to be in the way.  

They sometimes talk amongst themselves, and I'm still sitting over here.

So, I read, or try to learn something new...or just browse the internet because my other computer is broken and I can't play MTG Arena.

And, to make myself feel better, I try to do things for other people.  

But, God, I miss being able to call my mom and say

I LOVE YOU!

So, Dandi, I know you're watching me...and I know you're guiding me.

I miss you so very very much. 

Because you at least wanted me, when my own parents didn't.

Going Stir Crazy in Nacogdoches

So, we have all confirmed that I have wanderlust and like to just go.

This quarantine, while I understand it's important, is killing me.

I haven't stayed this long in one place in a while and frankly, I am about to just drive to the forest to go.

There are so many things that I've wanted to say about this, but I don't want to piss anyone off and I really don't want to start debates...so...here goes.

At the first of the year, people were posting things like there was going to be a plague or something this year, because it happens about every hundred years or so.  Mother Nature has an incredible way of balancing her ecosystem when things are out of wack, and in my belief, this is one of her defense mechanisms.  

One of the funny things that keeps running through my head, as I see empty shelves and people doing things more as families, and NOT going their separate ways, is that this must be what it was like a hundred years ago.  Families were families back then, not just driving to separate events and activities.  I sat at the park and watched a family of three kids enjoy the afternoon with their mom and grandparents...sitting on the grass.  Would they have done this if we weren't social distancing?  Would they have done this of Covid19 hadn't invaded our lives?  What have they learned about themselves, their family?

Then I see the kids doing their schoolwork at home.  Again, it's like we stepped into a time about a hundred years ago.  Back then, there were mostly one room schoolhouses, and the majority of their learning was at home (in my opinion).  Parents are finding a new found appreciation for teachers, and I bet a lot of parents now understand what teachers go through every day, times 25 kids.  A lot of people that I talked to actually like the idea of homeschooling now and are exploring that option more and more.  

Then I think about the Great Depression.  How in one day, everything crashed and it took a long time for us to recover from it.  And I see that happening now.  People are unemployed, not able to pay their bills, not able to find any work.  And the amazing thing is, instead of these people stressing about finding a job (thanks unemployment for the majority of them), they're enjoying life.  They're not running around looking for another job like their life depends on it, though some are.  

And people are getting innovative with substitutions for things they need...like ELASTIC!  A lot of people are making masks and helping out the communities (even if they are making a profit from it), and the demand is way more than the supply.  So, what are people doing...they're substituting for elastic...again, what we did so many years ago.  It got to the point that during WWII (I believe) there was rationing.  People made do with what they could get.  

And then I wonder, what our new normal will be like.  After the Gulf War, when I was in high school, things changed.  I can remember gas prices going up overnight, and it was hard on people.  Ever since, gas has not been below $1.00, and even though it's fairly close, I doubt it will go down that far...but still...on average $1.50 per gallon is pretty darn cheap if you ask me.  Yes, we will come out of this slowly, and we will try to cut the infection rate, but what is our new normal going to be like?

When I was in elementary school, WalMart closed at night...it's closing at night again.  We adapt.  People stay home more often now, even if it's not by choice.  They're discovering things like crafts, reading, hobbies.  Many are rediscovering their partners and learning to live so long together.  Think about it, people usually see each other maybe 7 or 8 hours a day, and now it's all day.  There are hobbies that we had that our partners either didn't know or didn't have time to participate in, and now there is time.  

There was a time before 24 hour stores and theme parks.  There was a time before our schedules were bombarded with different activities.  There was a time when we were at home and getting ready for bed when it got dark.  And that time is here again...but will it stay?  

I'm not the biggest fan of this social distancing.  I'm a hugger, and I don't have family to be close to all the time...it's just me.  When I hugged my friends, that was my family...and that's gone right now.  I'm an extrovert...but can be happy doing things at home also...but there comes that time when I'm about to climb the walls, and I've hit that time.  I'm not like most people and have a TV to watch, or internet at the house, or anything like that.  

So, this is an unprecented time that we're in...we've never dealt with anything like this.  Our parents haven't dealt with anything this bad...some grew up in the time of Polio, but was it this bad?  It's human nature to want that contact, that communication, that connection.  I sit here most days and wish I had someone to talk to, just about mundane things.  The people I call are always busy and don't want to talk to me...so I study, and go a little further in my shell.  But I miss the conversations, the interactions, the jokes and laughs.

As things start to open up, people will be available to talk.  I liken the coming out of quarantine to coming out of the cellar after a really bad storm.  You've been huddled in your safe spot for the duration, and now you come out, and look around.  You assess the damage, and life goes on.  Life doesn't stop because people die.  Life doesn't stop because people get sick.  Life goes on...the Earth still orbits the Sun, and tomorrow will come.  Everyone and everything on this Earth has a time, a season...some are short and some are long, but no one lives forever.  

(And I know this may sound cold, but I've lost so many people close to me that I have to look at it from a different perspective, and that's what I've done.)

One of my friends put everything I've been feeling into one picture...and with her permission it's here.

So, while we're at home, it's OK to dress up and miss our old lives...they may never be the same.  We all have a new normal that we have to get used to, and some adapt easier than others.  

This is my opinion and way of looking at things, and I do apologize in advance if I've offended anyone with my callus way of looking at things...but it's my blog...and I get to pick what I put on it!

I hope everyone has a good day.  I hope you are staying safe.  I hope you're adapting.

An Open Letter to Marsha Cook

**I had written this and was going to mail it to  you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on.  I will not hide from you anymore.**

Dear Marsha,

First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me.  So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.

Second, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself.  Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people?  I think about that every day.  When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start."  Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.

Do you remember the plans we had?  That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted.  I'm sorry that won't happen.  I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward.  However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me.  YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT!  ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there.  Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month.  The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends.  Just to say "I'm Sorry".  And I haven't even been able to do that.

What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.  I NEVER thought that you would do this.  We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go  and yet it was US.  And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist.  Now, after everything...I'm alone.

You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you.  I would have moved mountains for you.  Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.

I have to say, I miss being with you.  And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead.  I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO".  I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing.  This way, we can both move on and heal.

There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you.  I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.

So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you.  I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance."  This is the only way I can survive.  The only way I can get some sense of being OK.  Because this is NOT OK for me.  My life is not OK.  There is a huge hole now in my life.

There are some things a woman hides in her heart.  Missing you is going to be one of them.  I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away.  People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes.  People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.

Love,
Marci

*
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all.  I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.

Communication Problems with Stubborn Family

Stubborn??? That's the least of it. 

See, I've grown up, I can be professional, I CAN FORGIVE...

which is more than I can say for my family.

The past six months have been heartbreaking.

They have been emotionally scarring.

They've been, for lack of a better word...

HELL!

What kind of person would bully their own child?

What kind of person would instruct their caretaker to assault their child?

What kind of person would do this?  Knowingly?

Marsha Jean Cook...otherwise known as the person who gave birth to me.

I am not calling her my mother anymore, because a mother would not do this.

A mother is supposed to care for and protect their children.

I am still scared to let my family know where I am...specifically...though I think they have an idea.

I'm scared to let anyone get close to me anymore because of all this.

I thought growing up knowing that your parents didn't want you was bad...but for your mother to say she's changed, only to be worse to me than ever growing up was a nightmare.

I saw an old high school teacher in December right after most of this happened, and the first words out of her mouth were, "I can't believe your mom did this to you AGAIN".  

AGAIN....my mom did this while I was in high school, and like a stupid child, I believed her when she said things would be different.  

Her own sister said that she should never have had kids, that she was too selfish...

And still I believed her.

I've been told not to post this; not to write an open letter to my mom...

but if that's the only way to let her know how I feel, 

How I HURT

How I feel BETRAYED

How I feel HOPELESS

Then I will do it...I will put everything out there that what she did was horrible....and I'm not saying in the least that I'm innocent, because I did some horrible things to, but I OWN THEM...

I don't blame others for what I did.

I have also TRIED to MAKE AMENDS and Ask forgiveness.

I believe in FORGIVENESS...I believe in giving another chance...because 

PEOPLE LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

Me, I've learned that my family will always be toxic

AND SELFISH

AND MEAN

AND HURTFUL

AND MANIPULATIVE

AND BACKSTABBING

I've learned not to trust them anymore.

I've learned not to believe anything that comes out of their mouths because it's usually LIES!

So...Marsha Jean Cook.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I'm sorry for lashing out when I was being bullied and harassed by people that you paid.

I want to badly to talk to you, and try to patch things up.

I do miss talking to you every day.

I miss telling you the things I've discovered or learned.

I miss telling you the funny things that happen to me (like I broke TWO NEEDLES trying to bind a book).

I miss making you laugh.

I miss learning with you.

I miss trying to introduce you to new things.

I miss exploring with you.

I miss you watching me make jewelry.

I miss making jewelry for you.

I miss introducing you to new shows to watch on Netflix.

I miss teaching you what your phone would do.

I miss all of this.

When I bought you the diamond earrings, you cried because no on had ever gotten them for you.

When I bought you the stuffed animal after your hip surgery, when NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE...you cried because NO ONE had thought to get you anything while  you were in the hospital.

When you told me the wrong direction to someplace and started crying because you thought I would yell at you, I was hurt.  I was hurt because Letty did that to you, and taught you to be afraid to make a mistake.  I was hurt because your own daughter did this to you. 

And, you choose to be around this now.  You have chosen to be around the same people that have yelled at you, made you late to your appointments, made you scared to make a mistake.  And yet, me, who just laughed and said "we get to learn a new way", me, you choose to cut out of your life.

This sounds like classic elder abuse, yet no one will listen to me because I'm the one that everyone teamed up against and pushed out.  I made sure you went to all of your appointments.  I made sure you did what you wanted to do.  Sometimes, paying for it out of my own pocket.  

One day, you will see what is really happening, and I hope that day comes soon...before you've lost me forever.

This is my Good Bye to you.

This is my closure.

I don't even have a phone number for you, and that's OK with me.  

Even though I have been cold and hungry most days these past couple months, I know I'm a good person.

I know that I did the best I could for you.

Now, I have to hope.

Hope that someone realizes this before it's too late.

Hope that someone can intervene before you lose everything, including your freedom.

You once said to me that your biggest fear was being put in a nursing home...and yet...

How is that going?

You're unable to keep people working for you...why is that?

I was there for free...and yes...I've learned a lot.

I've changed a lot in these past couple months...I'm not even sure you would recognize me if you saw me.

So....this isn't exactly a letter, but it's me speaking my feelings.  It's me speaking out because I know things are not good with you, but you won't let the people that care about you the most around you.

So, if someone in a position of authority reads this blog...please check out all the circumstances regarding all this.  This woman is being abused...to the point she is scared of her own family, and I fear for her safety.  I fear for her mental well being.  What people would buy all these gifts for an elderly person that they have just known a couple months when these people are struggling themselves?  What people would do this?  Nathasha and Gilbert (Bubba) Hise are the ones that started all this, and yet, no oneis investigating them or their motives.  Their own daughter accused them of abuse, and yet they're allowed to be around elderly who can't speak up for themselves.

So, I ask you...who is really the worst person?

Who are the people that are putting my mother in harms way?

Starting Over

I've had this discussion with pretty much everyone...

So, before I go any further I want everyone to know I'm FINE!

I'm OK in my van, I promise!

Now, besides the fact that I have to start over yet again, I've gotten almost everything I want to keep out of my moms apartment.

Living in the van right now is tight because I still have stuff that I need to drop off at certain places, and then there's the stuff that I just don't know what to do it. 

Not to mention, I'm a packrat and I really need to cut down the clutter. 

What I really want to do is sew and make jewelry...those are my therapy, and right now I'm unable to do them.  I think I'm going to try to make some jewelry today, but not sure about that.

All I know is I'm settling into this van life...I have a little schedule right now where I spend my days.

Other than that, I'm catching up on my sweeps, and just biding my time until I'm able to drive out of here...which should be soon.  

It's really bad that I hide at night, and I constantly hide during the day because I'm very scared of my moms employee.  

I know that there is a plan for me, because I have faith, but sometimes it's hard to have the patience that comes with it.

My van needs a radiator and without it, I really can't drive any distances...I'm trying to raise the money right now for it, and it's only a couple hundred, but the past couple of months, I was getting data boosts on my phone bill so that mom could keep watching Netflix.  It was something she enjoyed, and I very much wanted her to be happy...I guess I screwed up with that one.

With everything that has gone on, I just want to protect my mom again.  And I can't do that because she thinks that the people with her now are the ones that are protecting her and keeping her safe.  I know through the grapevine that things are not good for her, and I know by the way she is acting that something bad is going on, but I can't know the exact thing until someone tells me for sure.

However, I've made one decision....no matter what happens, I will be there as a shoulder for her to cry on, but I'm not going to save her, I'm not going to put any money towards her finding a place or anything...no one was there for me, and I had to hustle in order to just save my van.  I know this may sound mean, but I warned her not to involve the landlord, that I would leave on my own etc...She's the one that listened to her other "family"....you know...the one's that told her she was so much better without me.  Again, I know this may sound mean...but I'm the one that can't sleep at night and is scared all the time...

I WORRY ABOUT HER...I worry about her well being, I worry about her safety...I worry about her financial situation...and I want to help her...but I will not...not this time...I cannot keep getting stepped on by those that I care about.

On another note...people wonder how I can stay by myself all the time, and it's because if I let someone in, they always hurt me...and a person can only take so many scars.  It's better to be by myself than risk the chance of getting hurt again.  

I'm a very caring person...I'm a very honest person...and I'm very open about my feelings...they are literally on my sleeve all the time.  I forgive easily but there is only so much that a person can take before they shut down...and I'm almost to the shut down point...I literally don't want a relationship and I don't want an apartment....I feel safe in my van because I know that no one can impose on my life there...no one can easily take it away from me.  Yeah, I could lose it because of the fact that I can't afford the repairs right now, but this is only temporary...I will soon be able to afford all of it.

Anyway, this is my post for the day, or couple of days....I'm not sure how things are going to be soon because I'm very low on funds and no way to get more...so I got crackers etc to feed myself, and if I can find a place in Cove to park I should be good.

Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers...she needs it more than me right now.

Life updates...

So, since I've been neglecting my blog, I figured I would give you an update as to what's been going on.

I've moved into my van, for several reasons...the main one being I'm tired of fighting landlords for things that are required by law to be there anyway. This isn't exactly giving up, it's just choosing which battles to fight.

My van is my safe place...this may sound funny, but I actually feel better when I'm in my van.  Right now, I need that safety net.  

There are a couple of things in the works, but I'm not allowed to say anything about those...soooo...just know that past wrongs may be righted.

My daughter turned 18 and I reached out to her on facebook...I got the picture when she blocked me.

I plan to actually travel this next year, after all, I don't have a job and I don't have an apartment to maintain...so...why not?

I'm going to work on my photography more often, and post the pictures here...

Here's a few from High Fantasy Society, before I got banned because the monarchy wanted me gone because of the stuff happening with my mom.

Things I've learned in 2018

As 2018 closes, I'm reflecting on what I've learned this year...because it was a year of very hard lessons.

I learned....

...that no matter what happens, there are a few people that will always be there for you.

...trust is very fragile, and once broken it's very hard to fix...often times it's fixed with damage that can't be repaired.

...people change.  

...you can try to break me, but you will fail...and I will come out stronger.

...the kindness of strangers is overpowering.

...everyone deserves a second (and sometimes third and fourth) chance.

...I can live in about 60 square feet comfortably.

...who needs an apartment when you have your van!

...I LOVE my job!!! (and sometimes my bosses!)

...I'm undecided about returning to SFA.

...life isn't fair and that's OK.

...how to sew!!! 

...those that stick around are priceless and those that leave didn't deserve to be in your life in the first place.

...never judge a book by it's cover, and never judge a person by their past.

...the staff at Denny's is awesome!!!

It's been a wild year, and if I had my choice, I would do it exactly the same, with all the mistakes and all the heartache, because I've learned so much from everything that has happened.  I have my goals for 2019 but I"m keeping those to myself because they are my goals and mine alone.  However, I will post a few because it gives me something to work towards. But, that's tomorrow...