Thursday, December 12, 2019

Why must family be like this?

You know....I'm always amazed when I see families stick up for each other...
mine has always been cut throat and vindictive.
I grew up having to hide anything of value to me, hide my feelings, hide anything that made me happy.
I grew up scared that one or both of my parents would take away anything that I I learned not to show joy in anything...and sometimes that has hurt me, but most of the time it has protected me.

And now, my family thinks it will hurt me that my mom is putting my stuff on the curb...NEWS FLASH....
I have had this happen will happen again.  Anything that means any value to me, I either hide very well or carry with me all the time.

You see, family is not who you are born is who is there for you in the hard times.  Family is who knows you inside and out, and still says it's OK.  Family will give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug when you need it...and I've needed a lot of them lately.  

I have a sister that likes to stick her nose into things that are not her business, and then she says she did it for the better good.  I don't tell her anything of importance because of this...I learned a long time ago that if she isn't happy, she will do what she can to make others not happy also.  

So, my mom is keeping my power chair, because it hurts me.  She won't let me have it...a power chair...that I need.  My wheelchair is in need of repairs, but because I got the power chair, insurance won't fix it...but that's OK...people see what she's doing...people know what's going on.  

In a few months, I hope to have enough to get my lift fixed and try to get a new power chair...maybe even have a place to live, but right now I'm still in my van...I'm still trying to stay warm at night, and I'm still scrounging for what I need...again...there are people that have taken care of me throughout all this, and for that I'm thankful.

I think I've figured out how to mostly stay warm in the van, however that does require me staying in the sleeping bag...but that's OK...Sparky likes it!! And, I"m reading more books...

I wish things were different.  I wish I still had a mom, one that actually doesn't want me dead.  I wish I had a home...but I don't think that is going to happen for a while.  My sister has said that she is going to tag my blog in her blog and tell "the truth" but can you know exactly what the truth is??? Everyone has their own perception of things, and while it may be true for them, and others in the area, it may not be the truth to someone that is over 1,000 miles away, and really hasn't talked to family until all this happened.  

It's funny how my mom can be mad at her kids, and then all of a sudden, the one that called every day, when everyone else didn't have time for her, is the one that is such a bad person...yes I admit I'm not perfect, but then again, neither is anyone else...and yet I forgive.  I leave the past in the past because that's where it belongs.  Stuff that has been broken or stolen or taken and hidden, is just that...STUFF...I can understand something having sentimental value, however, what if that stuff was lost in a fire, or a tornado...would you hate your daughter for that???  When you've lost everything as many times as I have, you learn that it is just STUFF and that what's important are the people in your life and not the the end, you can't take it with you.  But what you've done on this Earth, the people you've impacted, the smiles you've spread...that's what counts...not how much stuff you have amassed.  

I guess this is why it doesn't hurt me too much to lose hurts, but I know it's just stuff...the memories are with me...I wish I had some of the stuff that I've lost.  I wish I could go back in time, but I can't...all I can do is move forward.  And move forward I will....tomorrow is another day...there are beautiful things all around that I can take pictures of...there are children to make smile, people to impact...kind words to say...a smile to give to matter how rotten I feel...things will get better, because they can't get much worse.  

In a couple months, I hope to have a bus that I can work on may take a while, but that is my goal!!!

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