An Open Letter to Marsha Cook

**I had written this and was going to mail it to  you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on.  I will not hide from you anymore.**

Dear Marsha,

First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me.  So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.

Second, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself.  Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people?  I think about that every day.  When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start."  Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.

Do you remember the plans we had?  That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted.  I'm sorry that won't happen.  I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward.  However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me.  YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT!  ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there.  Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month.  The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends.  Just to say "I'm Sorry".  And I haven't even been able to do that.

What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.  I NEVER thought that you would do this.  We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go  and yet it was US.  And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist.  Now, after everything...I'm alone.

You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you.  I would have moved mountains for you.  Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.

I have to say, I miss being with you.  And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead.  I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO".  I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing.  This way, we can both move on and heal.

There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you.  I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.

So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you.  I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance."  This is the only way I can survive.  The only way I can get some sense of being OK.  Because this is NOT OK for me.  My life is not OK.  There is a huge hole now in my life.

There are some things a woman hides in her heart.  Missing you is going to be one of them.  I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away.  People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes.  People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.

Love,
Marci

*
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all.  I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.

Advice from Friends, More Decisions and Update

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of months, and I have a feeling it's just beginning.

I'm facing a few more difficult decisions, and we all know how I am with decisions...

eeny meeny miney moe is my best friend!!

Soooo, I guess I should give you an update also...here goes.

I'm stuck where I'm currently at because I was headed out and got a flat...it was close to another friend, so I called them.  They sent out another friend, and wham bam, I'm now out a rim and tire.

Yes...

They.

Stole.

My.

RIM!!!

And because I used all the cash I had to get the radiator fixed, I don't have anything to get a new rim.  Hence, the STUCK!!!

 Poor Petunia is sitting on a cinder block right now.

On the first, I will be able to get a new rim, and there is a lovely gentleman that has offered me (I believe) all four rims for $50, I hope...LOL.  If not, I can always get the rim and a new tire.  So, more funds goes into the van, but that's OK because I know that just about everything is good and new on her...which is also good because of the other decision I've made.

Which is....

I will be traveling.  The thought of moving into an apartment or anyplace right now scares the crap out of me...to the point of a panic attack if I think about it too long.

I've been lied to, abused, and all out hurt by anyone that has offered me a place to live (I'm not talking about my wonderful friends that have offered me their sofa or floor for a couple nights when the weather got really cold) so I'm just going to stay in the van and travel for a little while.  I think it would be good for my soul and also healing because I really need to step back (as it were) and just heal from the traumas of the past FIVE YEARS!!!

When I came back from Chicago, I went into survival mode, and I haven't stopped to actually heal from any of those events...and because of that, I've done nothing but spiral and self-destruct since then.  And, I'm pretty much at the bottom.  I have very, VERY few friends left that have put up with me, and to those, I say from the bottom of my heart....

THANK YOU

Starting next month, because, well, this month SUX, I'm going to be traveling and camping in my van wherever I go.  I think I have just about everything I need (except a deep cycle battery for Petunia), and I think I'm ready for this huge jump.  

To those friends that I've pushed away; I'm so sorry I didn't listen, or told you to go to H***, or F*** Off, or any of those other wonderfully colorful expletives, I hope you give me a second chance, or third chance, or even the billionth chance, because I'm a work in progress, and I'm still learning...and healing.

Now, another decision...where to go first?  Next month is going to be tight, so it might be local, or a small distance, but I am not sticking around here...that's for sure.  I've been hurt way too much to stick around!! (That includes the not so wonderful Killeen Police Department, who just stood by and let a majority of this happen.)

Now, I know you're saying, you're braver than I am, because I could NEVER just drive like that, but trust me, it's not bravery...it's self preservation.  

There's nothing for me really anywhere...I've lost my family, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost my school (I do hope I can go back someday)....what's left?

On a side note, I had a friend post this the other day, and it doesn't take money...it takes FAITH to do all this!!

I will, however, have to return to my "home" town once a month for doctors appointments.  And I need to find a mailbox there that I can use, but right now, it's just go.

As I embark on this journey, I will post updates.  I've decided, I'm not going to let my family scare me into hiding...I'm not going to let them scare me into anything anymore!  I may have cowered since November, and been scared to death of them, but no more...they can live their life and I will live mine because frankly, I don't care anymore.  They've blocked my number, and my life is a lot easier that way...except for an emergency when I have to get hold of some family.  That's when doing the grownup thing and just not calling comes in handy...and trust me....I don't call, but you can at least unblock the phone for emergencies, or other situations...Like when I accidentally get mail for them!!! But that's another side note.

So, now to decide where to spend the month of February.  Is there anyone that wants to see me particularly?  Any place I should visit?  Any sites to see...of course keeping in mind that it's going to be a low funds month as I catch up so it needs to be kinda local.  

I'm also planning on getting myself a little stove top for the van, and then the deep cycle battery.  I think what I'm going to do is add my wish list here, and have my mailbox as the delivery for anything that people might want to gift me. There's still a lot that I need for the van, but as of right now, it's very livable and comfortable...not the best but it works.

I've also caught up with a couple of people from my past, and I'm really hoping that one of those turns into something else...but time will tell.  

Now the advice from friends...

It appears I act untrustworthy, and I've tried to be open and honest with everyone, so if you don't trust me for some reason or another, I find that a problem, and would like to remedy that.  It really hurt when this friend said I had ulterior motives for doing things, and seriously, I do things to do them and be nice.  I NEVER expect anything in return, and I understand if that is something that people don't quite get...I'm old fashioned that way.  So, when I do things, it's not for Brownie points, or anything like that, it's me being nice.  That's it, end of story...nothing else to follow.  Half the things I do, are completely random and anonymous.

Example:  One act of kindness that I used to do every week, the people in charge wanted to find out who was doing it...after THREE years of doing this, they finally caught me and said thank you...I don't do it for recognition or anything like that...I do it because it makes ME feel better, and it brings a smile to the people it helps.  To this day, I don't know who this random act of kindness has helped, though I've heard stories...I don't know how many people it has helped, and no one has caught me doing it.  That's the random in random acts of kindness, and yes, when I'm in Nacogdoches, I will continue to do it, however I don't plan on being in Nac anytime soon.

Yes, I'm (as one other person put it) BRUTALLY HONEST!!  If you don't like it, or can't tolerate it, then again...maybe it's best we part ways.  

So, this is what's going on...kind of a long update, and I apologize for that.  I know that some of you will say, "You've been fine since I've known you", but I haven't...I've been hurt and just in survival mode, and I want to start living again.  

So, for those from my past that are still here, Thank You...for my new friends that are still around, Thank You...and to my readers, Thank You.

And now, I wait for eleven more days until the end of the month when I can get that stupid rim.

I know I've been neglecting my blog...

I know I've been neglecting my blog, but in my defense...

I have no excuses.

There are posts that I want to write and I'm too busy to write them...

or

I don't want to take the time to sit down and write them...

or

I just don't know if you guys want to read what I write.

There are a few projects that I want to start doing, and then there's a couple that I want to restart.

One is near and dear to me...the homeless population here in Killeen.

I want to take the time to sit and talk with those that are homeless, and let you and the world know about them.  See, Killeen (Central Texas altogether) has VERY LITTLE RESOURCES for low income people.  On paper, they have a bunch, the main one is they will refer you to the Central Texas Council of Governments....which, in my opinion, is a joke. 

I tried to call for housing when I moved here and the only thing I got in return was "it's going to be two years until the list opens up"...this is just the HOUSING LIST people...not even the waiting time on the list.  In the meantime, there are people that are homeless because they have nowhere to go for help...most of them are VETERAN'S and most of them have some sort of Mental Illness.  When I called our State Representative, Brad Buckley, I was told there was nothing he could do.  In my opinion, this is EXACTLY why he was elected.  Unless of course I'm wrong.  

If this was Nacogdoches, I know that Travis Clardy would be working on this situation and trying to fix it.  He genuinely cares about the community.  With that being said...I do see myself doing something for the community because of the fact that I care about this town and the people that live here.  For the ONE homeless shelter to close down because of lack of funding is a joke. 

Another thing I would like to start doing is....

Just plain documenting my life again.  

Four years ago, when everything fell apart after the Chicago trip, I just kinda dropped off the face of the blog...I do apologize for that, and I promise to be more active on all social media.  

And yet another thing I want to start doing again is....

Encouraging more Random Acts of Kindness!

There's Kindness in the world, everywhere...and it can be spread by one simple Random Act of Kindness.  So, I'm going to start posting some of my RAOK's and hope that inspires others to do it also.

With that being said, I want to also use this blog to reach out to someone in San Antonio.  This person, from what I've heard, is very angry at me for not being in her life...E...it wasn't my choice.  You were basically stolen from me, and up until 4 years ago, I had everything documented.  You will be 18 in a couple of months and then as an adult, I can (HOPEFULLY) contact you without your grandparents sending me to jail....yes they threatened me with jail if I tried to contact you.  I will also send you letters which you will hopefully get at your house.  I've always missed you and I've always loved you.  If you want, you can ask your aunt to give you my number, I do take blocked calls so you can call me and I won't get your number.  

So....This is the start of the new (and hopefully) improved TheMarciFactor.  

How Do You Say GoodBye?

If you had a friend that was more than family, more than your sister...how do you say goodbye?

How do you say, "I miss you" or "I still need you"?

You see, that magic word wasn't said.  Can it be taken back if it wasn't said?  

Can you uncry those tears?  Can you undo the wrongs?  Can you erase that look of hurt?

For three days I've done nothing but cry...does it matter to you?  Do you care?  

Can we go back?  I know I can be mean.  I know I can say things that hurt, but I held back because I didn't want to say things that couldn't be unsaid.  Is it possible to hold on to hope?  Is it possible to repair a broken heart?  Is it possible to unbleed from the soul?  I keep my mind busy in hopes that my heart can't think and that doesn't work.  I keep occupied, but everywhere I look there's traces of you.  The phone goes unanswered, the email unopened, the heart is still broken.  

All of the pieces are here, but can they be put back together again.  

The rubber ball is still bouncing, it can bounce back...I hope.

 

If you're reading this, CLICK HERE so see a video.

I still love you...