Baby Steps...Sorta

Tonight marks one week since I was transferred to a different campaign.

I like the new campaign, but I miss my old one very much. 

I miss helping customers and being very busy.  

But, my new campaign offers a lot of challenges also.

For the last two days, I rolled to work.  There's half a mile where I'm actually on North street, and I'm scared every moment that a car won't move over or slow down.

The rest of the way I can take back streets.

On Monday, I'm taking my van to get fixed.  I'm hoping that it's just that I'm an idiot and don't know how to use the lift.  

Life is going on, yet I still feel like a part of me is being left behind.

I miss my husband.  I miss being married.  I miss that life.

What do you do when your heart is torn out?  

I joke and call the past two years the "Tornado" that hit my life, but in actuality it's more like a mack truck.  And, just in case it didn't do the job the first time...it keeps coming back.

For the first time in two years, I've paid all my bills, and had a little extra.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop.  I keep waiting for the mack truck to come and roll over me again.  

Tomorrow I get my second paycheck from work...I'm scared and excited at the same time.  I'm no fool, I know that I could lose my job in a heartbeat.  All I want to do is put as much money aside as I can...I want to hide every penny I earn.  But, then again, I want to enjoy a little of my hard work.  

And then...I keep having glimpses of things I've lost...and I get angry at him again.  Then I think, hope that it was the PTSD that affected him...Then I get angry again because the system, our VA system dropped him in the cracks.  To this day, I want to fight for him, to try to make things like they used to be.  

I know he's still in there...the happy guy that always made me laugh.  The guy that lived 18 years in misery because he wanted to look out for me.  The guy that told me that Thanksgiving night that he loved me.  That's the guy that I miss.  That's the life that I miss.

I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

You see...when you lose soeone, you are supposed to have time to grieve.  Me, however, I never had that chance...I had to continue and try to maintain some sense of normal..  I had to continue in school, I had to fight for a place to live...I had to survive.

So, for the past year and a half, I've been in survival mode...and not too many people realize that.  They expected me to be OK, but guess what...I'M NOT!!!

It is a daily struggle to wake up and know that I wasn't good enough to be a wife, that I wans't worth the time it took to say "f*** you, I don't want to be with you anymore"...and yet all this time, I haven't been able to grieve.

When I lost Emily, I pretended like everything was OK, that I didn't just lose my only daughter...I tried to go on, and it almost killed me...LITERALLY. 

Then, June 2015 I came home to my current nightmare.  While trying to continue school, and pretend that everything is OK, my life has been falling apart.  You can't build a house on quicksand and expect it to not sink.  The same is true for a person whose heart and soul have been shartered.  I was too busy trying to pretend nothing was wrong that I lost myself.  

My security was stolen, my trust was shattered and my sense of safety was thrown out the window.  What was left?  My faith?  I'm holding on to that by a thread.

And, during this whole time I've not had one person say "It's going to be OK Marci, please just cry on my shoulder"...NOT ONE!

See, inside every adult there is still this little child that wants to be held when they're hurting and scared, and I've lived the past year and a half scared to death.

I haven't had the time to crawl under the table and get my bearings...I haven't had the time to mourn anything.  I've just had to survive...and a person can only live in survival mode for so long before they crack...and guess what??? I'm there!

NO, IT'S NOT THE STRESS OF TAKING 15 HOURS, OR BEING TOO INVOLVED...THAT IS WHAT HAS KEPT ME SANE...I've been too busy to think about what I've lost, and believe me it's a lot more than you think.  When you have a parent that chases you down the block with a butcher knife, you have to take a little extra time to find your safe spot...if you even have one.  I had one, or so I thought...however, I haven't been able to get back there since my life fell apart.  I've had to pretend to be strong because others were counting on me...others were looking up at me....never realizing that that pillar that I was standing on had cracks everywhere and it was only a matter of time before it crashed down.  And yet, when it does crash, I'm still expected to go on like nothing is happening.  

There are very few people that really KNOW me.  I've been guarded most of my adult life because of what happened to me as a child.  When you grow up in an abused house, you have no safety anywhere.  For me, it was always crawling under a table or a desk...some place where I could fit and feel secure.  

Not once have I had a person just sit with me and let me cry and grieve for all that I've lost this past year and a half...

NOT.

ONE.

TIME.

NEVER.

And maybe it's asking too much of people...maybe its too much for me to say, "look, I lost everything that was my security...please, just let me cry it out, let me be that little girl that needa a shoulder,"

And so, in being expected to just go on with things, I've lashed out...at friends that didn't deserve it.  At people that I've admired, and mentors...

Please, just let me cry it out...please, don't tell me it will be OK because it's not OK...everything is a mess and I would rather you be honest with me than expect me to go on as if my life didn't just come crashing down.  

So, if you see me and I say I'm fine, know that I'm not fine.

I've lost everything that meant anything close to "safe" and by saying I'm fine, I'm really saying, please, I just want a shoulder or a friend.

Let me rebuild, but first I have to grieve...and I haven't been able to grieve yet...so I am a big pile of mess that looks like everything is OK...when it's not.\

I miss my husband, yes he assaulted me, but that doesn't make me love him less...it just means that he needs help. So, even though he's not dead, it seems like it because the person I fell in love with is gone..  And, I'm still grieving for that man. 

Life with TBI

You know...I've said this before, and I will say it again...

Life with a person that has a TBI is not fun. 

Yes, there are good days, but lately the bad days outnumber the good.

We have just been coming off of a bad MONTH!!!

And, I got my usual (estimated) 4 hours of sleep last night and was woken up by someone laughing really loud...we won't say who. (wink)

So, what have I been doing?  Well, homework for one.

And, scrolling Facebook (that's a whole other post).

While scrolling, I came across this particular post from BrainLine.org about Trust.

You see, since DH had his surgery, and we found out that there was brain damage, it has been a battle for us.  Lately, there is no trust.  He has taken to password protecting all of his gadgets, and of course deleting text messages etc.  All my life it's been hard for me to trust people to begin with.  It is a very precious commodity that I do not give out often.  

The man that I fell in Love with is gone.  What is left is a person that is angry all the time, usually at me.  I live in a small town where there are no support groups that I know of.  And usually, when I turn to my friends, they say to leave him.  How can you leave someone when you KNOW THAT THE PROBLEM IS THE INJURY AND NOT YOUR SPOUSE?  

I know that he regrets yelling at me, most of the time.  I know that he is having a hard time understanding his feelings.  And to top all that off, is the added stress of graduating college (I'm so proud of him) and not being able to find a job.  It takes all of my strength to talk him down from a rage.  And, when Abby from BrainLine.org mentioned that there was "a look in his eyes" that she had never seen.  I KNOW THAT LOOK!!! I've experienced it.  And it is dangerous at times.  

When DH looks at me like that, I KNOW that it's not him, his eyes literally narrow.  It is a scary look, but I've learned to cope with it.  Yes, my marriage isn't perfect and I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with...but I also know that it takes strength to stay in the marriage.  Everyone tells me to leave, but I can't leave, because I know that there are times when the old hubby will filter through to the surface, and he will laugh and make jokes about me.  And those times are what keeps me going...however hard it can be.

Remembrance Bracelet Nominations

Another year has come and gone....and it's time for another bracelet to find a home.  For those that don't know this history, every year on January 7, I make a bracelet.  To honor my husband and to remember the soldier that he lost.

This year is different.  We've gotten to know Jesse's wife.  He lives on in all our memories.  I will be posting more on January 7, but right now I'm opening up nominations.

The only requirement is that it goes to someone in need of it.  I'm not talking financially, I'm talking about the love that goes into it and the memories that it holds.  So, please leave a comment and start nominations.

****Remember that with the nomination, you should provide a little bit of history as to why the person should receive the bracelet****

More Than A Three Day Weekend

Memorial Day is a special day in our family, because we remember a fallen soldier.  

His name is Jesse Mizener.  He was KIA January 7, 2004.  He was a father, brother, husband, son, friend, and soldier.  He was my husband's soldier.  

Last year, I reached out to his brother.  This year, I've gotten to know his wife.  Together, we make a unique family.  Because even though we've never met in person, we share a common bond.  

We all mourn his loss.

So, there are people that think that Memorial Day is an extra day off, they have a BBQ and enjoy themselves.  Then there are those, that remember the fallen on this day.  

Please, say a prayer for his wife and children who have been without him for 10 years now.  Say a prayer for his family, who mourns him.  Say a prayer for his fellow soldiers, those who left Iraq and those that are still living that day over in their minds. And remember, this is more than a three day weekend!

10 Years

Today marks 10 years that my husband's life has been forever changed.  It marks the 10 year anniversary of the death of his soldier in Iraq.

PVT Jesse Mizener

 KIA Jan 7, 2004

(photo used with permission)

Every year on this day, Mike withdraws into himself.  Probably to live his nightmare and cope the only way he knows how.  Every year on this day, I make a special bracelet to be close to him.  This bracelet is only made once a year, and I don't charge for it.  The only thing is, it goes to someone in need.  Last year, my Remembrance Bracelet went to Jesse's sister.  

I do have to say, that having Jesse's brother as a friend has been helpful for Mike this year.  I figured as a wife, I wanted to do something to help him, so I contacted Jesse's brother.  At first, I was worried that Mike would be upset, but then they hit it off.  We've experienced the birth of Brians's daughter through his Facebook posts.  And, between our two families, we keep Jesse's memory alive.  

So, as usual, this year I will be taking nominations for the Remembrance Bracelet.  The person doesn't have to be a service member or family, but someone that has experienced loss and needs a little help.  This has been my way of HONORING Jesse every year. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

                                                                             Matthew 5:4

Tracy Lawrence Concert and Pasadena Rodeo

Y'all know we don't often go to public events because of Mike's PTSD.  When we do go, we avoid the crowds, and the Pasadena Rodeo and Tracy Lawrence concert were no exception.  

Even though we stuck to the edge of the crowd we had a great time.

For the concert, we stayed in the stands while everyone else went down to the rodeo floor.  I'm OK with this because I know how hard it is for Mike to even go to something with this many people.  

See all the empty stands, we're on the opposite side and it was just as empty.  It was a great concert and the meet and greet was AWESOME!  But, I wish I could have danced on the floor with Mike.  We dance well together, but there were just too many people down there for his comfort.  

One of my goals (after we get his PTSD service dog) is to take James to a theme park...even if it's Six Flags, I would just love for him to have an enjoyable day.  Right now, we don't even think about all that because of the anxiety that Mike feels even thinking about going to a crowded place.  My goal is to get plans finalized before the end of the year for a Service dog for Mike, but we can't do that without help.  Please, forward my blog to friends, post it on twitter, Facebook, any social media will help get the word out.  Mike is one Veteran that would benefit greatly from a Service Dog.  We're getting desperate here! LOL

Why Are We NOT Paid?

Yesterday was one of THOSE days.

You know the one that starts out crappy, and it goes downhill from there.

I took everything in stride all day...went with the flow and just kept going.  After all, that's what I do.  I ALWAYS find the bright side of things.

Yesterday was no exception.  Even with things being crazy and it being a big time MONDAY...I still found the bright side of things.  There's always something good in EVERY bad situation.  

YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THAT RAY OF HOPE.

So, what happened? 

Well, there was an incident at work that caused us to scramble to open.  The ray of hope there was that it didn't cost as much as it was thought at first.  

What else happened?

Not much during work, but after work I had an appointment.

And, I discovered something.  I'm not quite ready to spill on that, but it does lead me to the incident that had me literally IN TEARS.

You see, having a family member with a Traumatic Brain Injury is a ROLLER COASTER.  You can be on top of the world one moment because things are finally starting to settle down.  Things are getting better and you THINK that everything is under control.  But, the problem with a TBI is, that rug under your feet...it gets yanked BIG TIME.  There is no set schedule, there is no routine, there is no getting used to things.  

EVERY DAY IS A CHALLENGE.  Every day is unknown.  Yeah, you may be in a routine with the daily tasks, but there is always that wrench that is just standing over you, waiting to get thrown into your plans. 

That's something else that you learn...YOU HAVE NO PLANS.

I read an article yesterday about military spouses being thrown into the role of "caregiver".  This article didn't state anything about PTSD or TBI, but just in general the role of "caregiver".  

I have to say from experience...

The role of CAREGIVER is broad and definitely NOT DEFINED.  

For some, it's taking care of the household and bills and kids and just everything while the spouse is deployed.  For others, like me, it's the literal role of CAREGIVER.

We are given the task of taking care of our spouse when they have a TBI, when they have PTSD.

I believe, as I have always believed, that God chooses us for these roles.  He doesn't give us more than we can handle.  There are times when we think we can't handle any more, just to get a little more thrown on our already full plates.  

When I married Mike, I said for better or worse and in sickness and in health.  I loved him 20 years ago, and I love him today.  I love him with our without his TBI.  But, there are times it is 

REALLY HARD.  I'm not saying it's hard to love him, that is the easiest thing for us right now.

But it's hard to live this life that God has given me.  It's hard to watch someone NOT be able to handle things that we both know he used to be able to handle.  

Emotions is one of the hardest things for him to control.  The combination of PTSD and TBI just magnifies the problem.  

I often find myself apologizing to people because of his outbursts.  I frequently have to get us out of a situation because he has no control of some emotions.  It's not his fault, and I know he tries.  I also know that this kills him because he remembers what it was like to be able to control the emotions.  He knows EVERY DAY that something is wrong with him and he has no control over it, nor can he fix it.

Back to God choosing me.  I've known for a long time that I'm here for a reason (that's another post that I haven't had the courage to write yet).  I know that God has chosen me for something...I just don't know what it is, and I'm not sure I want to know what it is, because then I would be working towards that reason.  

All the soldiers coming back from war with PTSD and TBI...Yes, I know you didn't ask for this.  I know that your spouses didn't ask for this.  I also know that you and your spouses were chosen for this by God.  My faith in God is very strong.  I don't question him.  I do, in my times of despair, question WHY?

Why was I chosen for this?  How am I so strong to deal with this?  

The incident yesterday, again, put me on that line.  You know, that line where you question, "How much more can I take?"  I thank God every day for the people in my life.  Because without their hand and shoulder to lend me strength, I don't know if I could keep going.  Yet, every day I wake up and fight again for my husband.  Every day I wake up and deal with whatever new problem that comes around.  Every day I wake up with HOPE.  Every day I wake up LOVED.  Not only by my husband and family but by my wonderful friends and coworkers.  

I have learned to deal with the role of  "CAREGIVER".  I accept this challenge and this life with both eyes, both arms, and my heart WIDE OPEN.  

But, on days like yesterday...I wonder...

WHY ARE WE AS CAREGIVERS NOT PAID BY THE MILITARY FOR OUR SERVICES?

Why, when a civilian has a TBI, do they have a nurse or social worker come into their house and help them with the same things that we spouses do?  Why does the Veterans Administration take advantage of us spouses?  We care for our spouses, we make sure they get their meds, we make sure they get to their appointments, we make sure the bills are paid, we make sure that they can lead as normal a life as possible with the new disabilities that they have.  This is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year job.  In some cases it's a FULL TIME JOB.  But, in my opinion, the Veterans Administration takes advantage of use.  We don't get recognized, we don't get paid (by them), we don't get any extra benefits.  

WE TAKE CARE OF OUR VETERANS BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM.  WE MADE THAT VOW TO THEM WHEN WE MARRIED THEM.  

FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.

I'm not saying that I want extra money, though it would be nice.  I'm not saying that I don't like my life, I LOVE my life, I just don't like certain aspects of it at times.  The good times far outweigh the bad.  There are ALWAYS MORE SMILES THAN TEARS.  But, just once, I would like the Veterans Administration say, we recognize the job that spouses do, and we couldn't do our jobs without the spouses.  Here's a little something for all your hard work.

*OK...end of my little rant...yes it was one of those days where I was in tears and just needed a HUG*

So, Amanda Tynes thinks she has it bad....

Ya'll are going to have to forgive me, but I've had a long day, and I'm feeling incredibly snarky right now.

So, this is my apology for any snarkiness or sarcasm in this post.  

I get home from work today and read the news like I always do, and since we're a sports family, I read THIS post also.  I understand that MRSA is a very serious infection.  BUT, seriously, does the pampered NFL wife have to say they're having a hard time with her husband's treatment.  (Here goes my rant.)

This is mostly to Amanda Tynes.

First of all, your husband is an NFL player, I would wager that he's still getting some sort of income through this.  Try going with NO INCOME!!!

Second, you're incredibly lucky to get the IV antibiotics in the form that you do.  When my husband ALMOST DIED from his infection from the shunt (in case you didn't know, that is IN HIS BRAIN), I had to mix his medicine.  There was no fancy bottle that you could just plug in.  I had to mix the IV solution, then hang the IV (without an IV pole...a hanger works wonders) and then had to attach it and flush the line afterwards...this was TWICE A DAY!!!

Third, so he got an infection.  Here, my husband has BRAIN DAMAGE AND PTSD!!! This is NOT FROM ANY CONTACT SPORTS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT...

IT WAS FROM WAR.

Do you think my husband was paid for the time he couldn't work?  Do you think that everything here was honkey dory?  Do you think that we didn't lose OUR HOUSE AND OUR VEHICLE from that?

HOW DARE YOU???

Lemme try that again...

HOW DARE YOU!!

How dare you even consider that you're having a hard time in your house with A/C and drive that fancy car and post pics on twitter.  When my husband had his infection, he had to get treated at the Houston VA Hospital, TWO HOURS AWAY.  Do you know how hard it is to come and go that far with an infant?  And by infant, let me show you a couple pictures of JUST ONE of our drives home.

 Sorry this is blurry, but I WAS DRIVING!  My husband couldn't even sit up on the way home, he was laying down in the back seat.  Which brings me to this second picture.

My son wasn't even a year old.  SEE HOW LITTLE he was?  I had a truck (at the time) that would disable the air bags and he had to be in the front seat so I could drive and take care of both him and his dad.

By the way?  As far as any money??? Yeah, he couldn't work.  That truck we were driving in, it got repossessed because we couldn't afford the payments after his brain surgery.  The house he had, it was foreclosed on because we couldn't afford the payments.  I robbed Peter to pay Paul and begged the utility companies to give me time to pay the bills.  Oh yeah, and that's while paying for the gas to go back and forth to Houston.  

We're STILL FIGHTING THE VA FOR HIS DISABILITY FOR THE TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY. 

I'm doing everything in my power to raise funds for a Service Dog for my husband so that we can at least go to an NFL game again.  He panics in crowds and so my son doesn't even remember our last game.  

I'm incredibly proud of my husband because EVEN WITH THE BRAIN DAMAGE HE'S GOING TO COLLEGE!  He's trying to provide for his family.  (Also, we were earning good money when he was able to work!!) I'm having to work part-time while my son goes to school, because we can't afford the child care for me to work more.  Every time my husband gets sick I worry about shunt malfunction and whether or not we're going to have to have yet another brain surgery.  He wakes up EVERY DAY WITH A HEADACHE!!!

EVERY. DAY.

Do you think you can even imagine that?

Do you think you can imagine having to worry about bills and whether or not your even going to be able to feed your family the next month?  The Military is supposed to be taking care of it's VETERANS, but your husband is getting WAY BETTER TREATMENT than my husband EVER DID.  So, please don't tell me that you're upset with the statement that was released.  Please, don't tell me that you don't think your husband isn't responding well to treatment.  Because, as I see it...you've got it pretty easy!  I wonder if you have someone come in and hook up his medicine?  

I'm going to step off of my soap box now because I'm so angry and upset that I'm shaking, and I DON'T GET LIKE THIS OFTEN!  I'm also going to tweet this blog post to you, and I hope you really read this, maybe try reading some of the past posts, like THIS ONE. Or, maybe THIS ONE. And, if you're really feeling generous, can you please check out our fundraiser going on at GOFUNDME, you can find the link on the right side with the picture of us!!! Maybe, this will give you a little glimpse into our life.

How Does A Couponer Teach Factoring To A Visual Learner?

If ya'll have been following my facebook page, you will notice I've been mostly gone these past couple weeks.  Where have I been?  Helping Mike with Algebra.  

Now, first, I'm going to tell you that I kept telling him that it was too fast paced for him in the summer.  His words..."I already know this, I just failed the final last time." 

FAMOUS. LAST. WORDS.

 So, he's pulling out what little bit of hair he has left, and I'm on the edge of pulling mine out.

And now we get to...

FACTORING!

And how does he respond to this??? 

Not well.  And, this semester, I decided that I'm not going to argue with him over this.  When he starts arguing with me or raising his voice, or just agreeing with me to get to the next question without the understanding, I have walked out, until he calms down and asks for my help again.

(Yes, there's a story to why I'm walking out and making him calm down!)

So, now we get to the hard question tonight...Ready???

a⁶ – 3a⁵ + a – 3

How can you teach a visual learner how to factor this when there's that tricky invisible 1 next to that last a?

We tried writing it down on paper...we tried factoring the first part and then instead of the parenthesis just substituting an x...we tried just about every trick I knew.  He started agreeing with me...yep...whatever you say.  I walked out in tears, and he's slamming things around.

Then it came to me.

VISUAL...he has to see it.

Soooooo....I asked him to come to the living room and brought out all my little shampoos and conditioners that I had been able to get. And...I put them down like this.

Doesn't this look like the problem.  Imagine the red bottles are invisible 1's and the bottles up top are the exponents.  This was the problem.  Now to break it down to how he could understand it.

 

   

I needed to put it to where he could see the parenthesis and the invisible 1.
So it was broken into two different equations to factor. This one is
a⁶ – 3a⁵

 
This was the second half of the equation which was

a – 3

Now the trick was to show him how AND why there were not TWO of the a - 3

He kept wanting to take the a of the second equation, and I'm pulling out my hair to try and show him why he couldn't do it that way.  Soooo....now that I broke it down into visible items that he could see, he was with me this far.  So, I then proceeded to factor.

I proceeded to take out the

a⁵

^{And that left him with the} 

a – 3

^{So, he could see it with the invisible 1's there...those are the red bottles.}

^{And for this one, I had to factor out the invisible 1's.  This was all to show a point which he just wasn't grasping.}

^{So, now we had a problem that he could semi-understand.}

a⁵(a – 3) + 1(a – 3)

Yes, this is what kept tripping him up...Why was there NOT two of the 

(a – 3)?

I then showed him that even though I took the

(a – 3)  out of both sides, it was still attached to a variable on each side.  And that was what was catching him.  He could factor if it was just one number or one variable, but the parenthesis messed him up...until I showed him with all these bottles.  And this is the final outcome.

^{After TWO frustrating hours, it took 20 minutes of me showing him with bottles of shampoo and conditioner how to do factoring.  And this is how the answer looks with the numbers instead of the bottles.}

 

(a⁵ + 1)(a – 3)

And there was a light bulb that was shining so bright above his head, a smile on his face, and understanding in his eyes.  

And, this my friends is how you teach factoring to a visual learner!!!!!