Who is Marci?

You know, I just want to write.  I don't have a clever title for my blogs, or anything like that.

This is the telling of my experiences, and my life.

And, sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that it just needs to be said.

Yes, I've neglected my blog for a while because I wasn't sure what to write, and I was trying to figure out what direction I wanted my blog to take.  So, I'm not going in one direction, I'm staying true to myself and just posting what I feel, what I want to say, and what needs to be said.  

Right now, what needs to be said is that I'm OK.  I'm OK with my life.  I'm OK with living in my van.  I'm OK with being single. (Yeah, a significant other would be fantastic, but there's nothing on the horizon.)

I've always been a caretaker for other people, starting when I was 12 and my grandmother moved in with us.  I would help her get dressed and help with things around the house.  Then, I got married, and had kids.  Now, I have none of that...it's just me, and I'm so lost right now because it is just me.  

Who is Marci?  

Who is this woman that is so broken?

Who is this survivor?

For the first question, I have no clue.  I know what I like, I know about what I want, and I know that I need to become stronger.

Second question...that woman is a survivor.

That woman is a person that has been abused by her parents, her spouses, pretty much everyone that said "I love you" to me, with the exception of my children has hurt me one way or another.  

Third question...that survivor is Marci.  She is broken, but don't expect that to last.  She has fought her way back to a semblance of peace before and can do it again.  

It's one thing to be betrayed by people that are supposedly friends, however, for your own parent to do this to you is another story.  A parent is supposed to protect their child, not bully them, not abuse them and make them feel like crap.  

Even if the child is grown, they still look to their parents for protection, and when that protection is not there, the child learns they have to protect and defend themselves.  

When I was 13, my parents (both of them) admitted they never wanted me.  It took me the better part of 25 years to have a relationship with my mom because of this.  On a side note, I forgave them for that a long time ago...more for my own sanity than anything.  It started with phone calls to my mom daily.  Then some visits.  Then when I moved into my van shortly before Christmas last year, my mom said she was worried and didn't want me living in my van.  She asked me to move in with her...she had a spare room and she wanted my company.  So, I quit my job and moved to Killeen.  

The week after I moved in with her, she fell and broke her hip.  I believe that God wanted me there with her, because I advocated for her, and barely left her side while she was in the hospital and rehab...even sleeping on the little fold out cots they had.  I met some awesome people and made some friends during that adventure.

Then, things turned.  I've always said October is a bad month for me, even though it is my birthday month.  The beginning of October saw me telling my mom that I was only going to do fundraising for a van or lift for myself.  And, I explained why it was for me, because a van could hold two chairs, and if I got the van, DARS would convert it for me, versus her getting the van and me being stuck without a vehicle.  She was not happy about that decision...she wanted me to give her a van, and go without one for myself.  And, then things really started to get bad...

When she got her new "service dog" that is not even potty trained, she also bought over $100 of stuff for the dog and then the dog had to go to the vet, which was another $150, on top of the $200 she paid for the dog.  So, I spent all my funds trying to pay her bills because she WANTED this dog...She WANTED to spend the money on what she WANTED.  I NEEDED to get the bills paid.  I lost my pool cue in the pawn shop, my jewelry that I had sized, and still haven't gotten my glasses because I put every penny into her bills and household.  I've lost everything...and then....

When I came home from Nightfall, she told me that she was going to start keeping track of what her other worker did because the work wasn't getting done.  The worker took my stuff from when I was sewing and put it in the doorway of my room, to where I couldn't even walk in there, and took pictures.  THEN, she and my mom told the landlord I was destroying the room, and showed the landlord those pictures.  Now, the blinds in the room were destroyed by my moms other dog, and the stains on the floor were from her dogs going to the bathroom on the floor...not from my mess...my room may be cluttered, but not totally messy.

The landlord is now trying to evict me, if my mom had waited until I got paid, like I promised, I would have willingly left the day I got paid...instead I'm waiting until I get the court order.  This way, I don't have to rush out of the house, and I won't lose everything....again.  

So, my mom of course cried out emotional abuse and then her other caretaker cried financial abuse, claiming I was stealing from my mom.  First off, I made more money than her, and covered her bills...which can be proven.  And, she was aware of every thing what was spent...EVERYTHING.  I have text messages etc, and the money transfers when I transferred money to her account for her to pay the bills.  I have proof otherwise, and since these allegations were leveled on me, there is an investigation...and the investigation will prove exactly this.  

So, besides that...I lived through two weeks of literal HELL because my mom allowed her guests to bully and harass me.  She allowed them to call me names, threaten me, threaten my cat...make me scared to be in my own house.   

So, now....I've been betrayed by my own mother...I've been bullied and harassed by people I thought were friends.  And, I've gone back into my safe haven...my van...good old Petunia.  It's weird that a van will make me feel safe, but if you think about it...it's mine, and it's secure.  

So, new start...Marci is broken, Marci has been abused and betrayed, and Marci is surviving all this.  And coming through on the other side a stronger person.  I am Marci, and I am a survivor....and this is just another bump in the road of life.

I know I've been neglecting my blog...

I know I've been neglecting my blog, but in my defense...

I have no excuses.

There are posts that I want to write and I'm too busy to write them...

or

I don't want to take the time to sit down and write them...

or

I just don't know if you guys want to read what I write.

There are a few projects that I want to start doing, and then there's a couple that I want to restart.

One is near and dear to me...the homeless population here in Killeen.

I want to take the time to sit and talk with those that are homeless, and let you and the world know about them.  See, Killeen (Central Texas altogether) has VERY LITTLE RESOURCES for low income people.  On paper, they have a bunch, the main one is they will refer you to the Central Texas Council of Governments....which, in my opinion, is a joke. 

I tried to call for housing when I moved here and the only thing I got in return was "it's going to be two years until the list opens up"...this is just the HOUSING LIST people...not even the waiting time on the list.  In the meantime, there are people that are homeless because they have nowhere to go for help...most of them are VETERAN'S and most of them have some sort of Mental Illness.  When I called our State Representative, Brad Buckley, I was told there was nothing he could do.  In my opinion, this is EXACTLY why he was elected.  Unless of course I'm wrong.  

If this was Nacogdoches, I know that Travis Clardy would be working on this situation and trying to fix it.  He genuinely cares about the community.  With that being said...I do see myself doing something for the community because of the fact that I care about this town and the people that live here.  For the ONE homeless shelter to close down because of lack of funding is a joke. 

Another thing I would like to start doing is....

Just plain documenting my life again.  

Four years ago, when everything fell apart after the Chicago trip, I just kinda dropped off the face of the blog...I do apologize for that, and I promise to be more active on all social media.  

And yet another thing I want to start doing again is....

Encouraging more Random Acts of Kindness!

There's Kindness in the world, everywhere...and it can be spread by one simple Random Act of Kindness.  So, I'm going to start posting some of my RAOK's and hope that inspires others to do it also.

With that being said, I want to also use this blog to reach out to someone in San Antonio.  This person, from what I've heard, is very angry at me for not being in her life...E...it wasn't my choice.  You were basically stolen from me, and up until 4 years ago, I had everything documented.  You will be 18 in a couple of months and then as an adult, I can (HOPEFULLY) contact you without your grandparents sending me to jail....yes they threatened me with jail if I tried to contact you.  I will also send you letters which you will hopefully get at your house.  I've always missed you and I've always loved you.  If you want, you can ask your aunt to give you my number, I do take blocked calls so you can call me and I won't get your number.  

So....This is the start of the new (and hopefully) improved TheMarciFactor.  

Thankful

As I reflect on these past 3 years, or 4 years, or even 5 years....

I realize that...

Again, I"m a lot stronger than I though I could ever be.

People will continue to amaze me, both with the good and the bad.

I have a lot to be Thankful for...

and a lot to be angry about.

I'm not letting my anger rule my life.

I have a few great friends, one fantastic non-husband, and an awesome job that I love most of the time.  

There are still days when I can't believe that my life took such a U-turn, or that I'm alone.  

I always thought I would be married and raising my family...boy was I wrong.

This Thanksgiving, I'm unable to continue my tradition of going to San Antonio because I have to work. However, I may go next week, but it won't be the same.  Or I may not go at all.  

Also, I'm a bit down this week.My KAFO's were giving me little sores, and we all know what that means...I can't wear them until 

1. The sores are cleared up 

2. They're either adjusted or more padding is added to cut down on the sores.

So, this means less standing and walking, and I really don't like being stuck to the wheelchair all the time...I like to get up the little bit that I can. LOL!

And this is one area where I know the risks, and I refuse to disobey doctors orders and wear them anyway, even though I badly want to!

However, I'm still wearing my AFO's to prevent my ankles from flopping everywhere, because that is a funny sight!  

So, all in all, I have a lot to be Thankful for, and I really shouldn't complain, but there are things I miss...

Going into the store real quick!

DANCING!!! (especially Two-Steppin)

Having someone that I can come home to that is happy to see me.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!  And I promise to write more often.

I am ANGRY

So, my ex is out of prison...and me being the peacemaker I am, I was talking to him and trying to patch some things up.  

No, I never want to be in a relationship with him, but for the sake of my son, I want to at least be on talking terms with him.

Now, yesterday I had a doctors appointment.  Usually, my doctor says "disc disease" or something to that effect for my back.  Instead, yesterday, he actually said "cord injury".

HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS...

You see, I think he was avoiding saying it just as much as I was avoiding hearing it.  And last night, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

I was texting my ex and said I wanted to be left alone, and he said whatever it was it wasn't his fault. I said, actually it is your fault.

Then he had the audacity to say, "It's not because of me, I don't blame all my problems on you." Then he further said "I never touched you so it was not assault".  

Now, I'm fairly calm about things, but last night I really wanted to kill him.  For him to still deny what he did, and that he didn't do anything, it hurt me more than the assault.  

So, I'm ANGRY because it is because of him that I have trouble walking.  It is because of him that I didn't feel when my foot got burned last year.  It is because of him that I avoid going to stores because it takes me so long to get out of my van.  Yes, it is his fault that I'm in a wheelchair, that I have to wear braces if I want to walk at all, that my back hurts every day.  

So, I will say again, I am a domestic violence survivor.  I survived a very abusive marriage...with a man who is still convinced he did nothing wrong and this is all my fault.  

Guess what?  It's taken me a long time (and I still struggle with this) to admit that it was NOT MY FAULT.  I can not control his actions.  I can only control how I react to the situation.  I live my life in a wheelchair now, and I love my life.  

Yes, it gets very annoying, yes it gets old; especially on days like today when I got totally wet headed in to work.  Or days when my elbows and shoulders hurt.  Or when physical therapy hurts so much that my legs don't want to cooperate...but I do it.  I keep on rolling.  I make jokes about not walking, and having the best seat in the place.  

So, Yes, I'm very ANGRY that he thinks he did nothing wrong...but that's not my problem.  For now, I will go to bed, and sleep in my apartment, with my cat, in my bed.  I've worked hard for the things I have, and they may not be the best, but they're mine.  I love my life and I love my job.  

It has taken getting used to, but I'm surviving.  And as far as my ex, there's a reason you spent almost 2 years in prison.  There's a reason you were convicted of a felony...and not because "it's not my fault."  

I'm Thankful for...

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be Thankful for.

I may not have much but I have a roof over my head.

I've lost a lot but I still have my health.

I may not be able to walk well, but I can still walk.

I thought I was alone, but I have a few friends.

I have my cat, who always makes me smile...even when she's being stubborn.

I may not have school anymore, but I'm still learning.

I may have lost a couple of friends this year, but I've gained so much more in the terms of angels and extended family.

I won't lie...it's been a VERY. VERY. ROUGH. couple of years...but I 

SURVIVED!

I thought my life was good, and two years ago I came back from a school trip to a nightmare.

I had lost my husband and my belongings all in one action....I had to start over.

You never know just how much strength you have until you are tested, and I'm happy to say I'm STRONG.

I may have lost the love of my life, but it wasn't because of anything I did...he was unhappy, he made the decision that resulted in his accident, and everything after that.

I still have a long way to go with recovering from his assault, and I may never fully recover, but I've forgiven him.  A part of me still loves him, and will always love him, but I know now that we will never be together again.  He is still unhappy with his life, and he is trying to shift the blame to me...but the truth is...I did everything for him.  

I may still struggle with being alone, but I know...in the darkest of moments I have friends that are more than friends...they're family.  I know that no matter what, I will survive...and I'm a stronger person because of everything.

I will admit...every day is a struggle.  A struggle to maintain some semblance of normal...but I have a new normal and I'm trying to find it. I struggle with self-worth, like just about all other domestic violence survivors, I still blame myself...but I'm working on that also.  

I struggle with the after effects of his assault...and knowning that I couldn't have done anything to prevent it.  

The Masons expelled him for a reason...he's not a good person, no matter what he says.  He lies, he is extremely violent, and he should still be in prison (but knowing him and his temper he will be back there soon).

Most of all, I'm Thankful to be alive...there are times when I doubted my reason for being here.  But I know I'm here for a reason.  Maybe it's to tell my story, maybe it's to help that one person reading this and saying..."I can do this too"

Maybe it's to make more mistakes and learn from them.

If you're reading this, let me know what you're Thankful for...maybe it will help someone else in the future.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Happy New Year!

As we welcome in a New Year, I want to reflect on this past year.  

There have been times when I thought I couldn't go on, and there are times when I was so full of hope that it was overflowing.  There are different reasons to celebrate a new year. It could be because you have dreams for the upcoming year, or you want a horrible year to be in the past.  Or both.

In the past year I've done several things and had several things happen to me:

I fought my apartments about Fair Housing and got evicted.

I survived an assault from my ex husband which left me with an incomplete SCI.

I was recognized as "Senator of the Year" for Student Government Association.

I found a new place to live, and had to move from there because of the ex.

I finally got back on track as far as school.

I've learned to walk with AFO's...it's kinda interesting.

I was nominated as Sergeant at Arms of Student Government Association.

I've learned a lot this past year, and I still have a lot of learning to do.  This life is constantly changing and I'm constantly changing with it.  I've said goodbye to my marriage, and I've accepted the fact that I'm single again.  There's always room for improvement and there's always goals.  So, with that being said, here are a couple of resolutions for 2017:

1.  Get a job.

2.  Keep an apartment.

3.  Win at least one tournament in Magic.

4.  Get my Level I judge for Magic.

5.  Get Certified Student Leader endorsements.

6.  Get all three levels of CMAP.

7.  Try to repair broken relationships, and make ammends to those I have wronged.

8.  Continue rebuilding my life.

These may seem like stupid goals to some, but to me, it's showing that my life is going on, that I"m not letting HIM hold me back, that I can perservere even though my life is changed.  

I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

You see...when you lose soeone, you are supposed to have time to grieve.  Me, however, I never had that chance...I had to continue and try to maintain some sense of normal..  I had to continue in school, I had to fight for a place to live...I had to survive.

So, for the past year and a half, I've been in survival mode...and not too many people realize that.  They expected me to be OK, but guess what...I'M NOT!!!

It is a daily struggle to wake up and know that I wasn't good enough to be a wife, that I wans't worth the time it took to say "f*** you, I don't want to be with you anymore"...and yet all this time, I haven't been able to grieve.

When I lost Emily, I pretended like everything was OK, that I didn't just lose my only daughter...I tried to go on, and it almost killed me...LITERALLY. 

Then, June 2015 I came home to my current nightmare.  While trying to continue school, and pretend that everything is OK, my life has been falling apart.  You can't build a house on quicksand and expect it to not sink.  The same is true for a person whose heart and soul have been shartered.  I was too busy trying to pretend nothing was wrong that I lost myself.  

My security was stolen, my trust was shattered and my sense of safety was thrown out the window.  What was left?  My faith?  I'm holding on to that by a thread.

And, during this whole time I've not had one person say "It's going to be OK Marci, please just cry on my shoulder"...NOT ONE!

See, inside every adult there is still this little child that wants to be held when they're hurting and scared, and I've lived the past year and a half scared to death.

I haven't had the time to crawl under the table and get my bearings...I haven't had the time to mourn anything.  I've just had to survive...and a person can only live in survival mode for so long before they crack...and guess what??? I'm there!

NO, IT'S NOT THE STRESS OF TAKING 15 HOURS, OR BEING TOO INVOLVED...THAT IS WHAT HAS KEPT ME SANE...I've been too busy to think about what I've lost, and believe me it's a lot more than you think.  When you have a parent that chases you down the block with a butcher knife, you have to take a little extra time to find your safe spot...if you even have one.  I had one, or so I thought...however, I haven't been able to get back there since my life fell apart.  I've had to pretend to be strong because others were counting on me...others were looking up at me....never realizing that that pillar that I was standing on had cracks everywhere and it was only a matter of time before it crashed down.  And yet, when it does crash, I'm still expected to go on like nothing is happening.  

There are very few people that really KNOW me.  I've been guarded most of my adult life because of what happened to me as a child.  When you grow up in an abused house, you have no safety anywhere.  For me, it was always crawling under a table or a desk...some place where I could fit and feel secure.  

Not once have I had a person just sit with me and let me cry and grieve for all that I've lost this past year and a half...

NOT.

ONE.

TIME.

NEVER.

And maybe it's asking too much of people...maybe its too much for me to say, "look, I lost everything that was my security...please, just let me cry it out, let me be that little girl that needa a shoulder,"

And so, in being expected to just go on with things, I've lashed out...at friends that didn't deserve it.  At people that I've admired, and mentors...

Please, just let me cry it out...please, don't tell me it will be OK because it's not OK...everything is a mess and I would rather you be honest with me than expect me to go on as if my life didn't just come crashing down.  

So, if you see me and I say I'm fine, know that I'm not fine.

I've lost everything that meant anything close to "safe" and by saying I'm fine, I'm really saying, please, I just want a shoulder or a friend.

Let me rebuild, but first I have to grieve...and I haven't been able to grieve yet...so I am a big pile of mess that looks like everything is OK...when it's not.\

I miss my husband, yes he assaulted me, but that doesn't make me love him less...it just means that he needs help. So, even though he's not dead, it seems like it because the person I fell in love with is gone..  And, I'm still grieving for that man. 

I Am Officially Homeless

Well, it's happened.  The time came and went and still, I had no options.  

I did have wonderful friends that helped me move my stuff into a trailer for storage until I find a place.

I did have wonderful friends that invited me to brunch to take my mind off things for a little while, and they also wanted to see the Wesley Foundation, that has done so much for me so far.

And, I'm more fortunate than most...I at least had a car that I could sleep in.  

It may not be ideal, but at least it kept me from the elements, because, boy it got cold last night.  Even the covers in my car didn't help much.  I have about 45 minutes before the student center opens up, and I know I can go and change there, along with use my meal plan and get some breakfast...oh yeah and get WARM!

When I do eat, I'm going to have to charge my smart drive because it's getting down on battery levels.  

I have been very humbled throughout all of this, and I know that God has a plan for me.  

I want to forgive my landlords and roommate, but right now I'm not ready to.  There were oral agreements made, and the landlords committed breach of contract with those.  The roommate is just acting like a spoiled brat (in my opinion).  Yes, I'm not perfect but SERIOUSLY...it was one argument and I was only behind $150 on rent....which they agreed to work with me on until I get my social security.  

One of the landlords did talk to me last week (and made me late to class) and said that because the lease had "NO DOGS ALLOWED" underlined and highlighted, they did not have to let Rainie stay there.  Guess what guys, she was a service dog, and an emotional support dog...she didn't count as a dog, and what was done was against the law.  There is no way to get out of it...what they didn't know was when the mediator went to them for a settlement of some sort, I was so desperate I would have accepted just about anything.  I'm more desperate now, but there's really not much more that can be done to me that I haven't already gone through.  

Give me a couple of weeks, and things will be better...and honestly, besides the cold, this isn't too bad.  I haven't been sleeping well anyway lately, and this actually isn't all that uncomfortable.  I miss my son, and I miss his dad.  If given the choice to not go through this, I think I would stay on the path that God has set for me.  The "hardships" are not really hard when you know you have something to look forward to, or even something to work towards.  I have both.  I know this is temporary and I know that I will still be going to school despite everything that is going on.  Now, it's time to go and find myself some clothes for today, and go change, then head to the school for some breakfast.  

i. can. do. this.

i. am. not. broken. yet.

As long as I remember these two things, then I will be fine.  

Also, here is the gofundme that my friend Marissa started for me.