So What? Does the Military really care?

You know, you hear of the soldiers with TBI and they get the treatment and the “classification” IF their TBI was actually diagnosed while they were still active duty.  But, what about those that retired right after they come back?  What about those that it didn’t even cross their mind that they might have gotten injured, and it was found out after they retired?  We know that my husband has a TBI; we know that he has PTSD.  The PTSD has been verified.  With the TBI, the best we could get out of the doctors is “it may or may not” have been from their service.  The question I have is this.  Where the hell else would my husband have gotten his head shaken so bad and on such a regular basis that the ventricles closed up and he has Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus.  Does anyone know why we’re having such a hard time getting the disability, and why we’re slowly drowning in our bills?  It’s because after his first surgery for a shunt, he became so ill, that we really were not worried about filling out the “required paperwork” for his disability.  Really, Uncle Sam…my husband means the world to me, and if he is in the hospital with the doctors baffled as to why he was so sick to begin with (they found the infection after he was in the hospital for a couple of days) why would you think that me sending in the paperwork with the exact instances of his experiences on time?  So, of course, all disability from the military got denied.  ALL OF IT!  The best we can hope for now is that they at least expedite his appeal, and from what we’ve been told, the “expedite” service can take at least two years!!!!

Now, because his TBI has not been “classified” as a service related injury, we do not (let me repeat that…DO NOT) qualify for any type of extra help.  He doesn’t get any therapy whatsoever for his brain injury.  Everything that has been done has been done by me, and there’s only so much that I can do.  Yes, I’m classified as a caregiver for my husband, but because he’s high functioning with his TBI, and we’ve found small ways to cope with this, and (oh yeah let’s not forget this one) it’s not “related” to his service YET, I get no outside help.  I pay the bills, I handle all the appointments, I help him with his schoolwork because he is determined to not let his TBI stop him.  So, on top of all that, I also have a 2 year old to take care of and a house to keep clean.  And let’s not forget the three times each week I stay up until 3 AM to help him with his homework, and then get up at 4 because our son doesn’t sleep through the night yet, and then again get up at 6am because that’s what time my son wakes up for the day.  There is very little time to take care of me.  I don’t get the respite care that other people with TBI get.  I don’t get the respite care that we so desperately need.  Instead, I’m a mom, a caregiver, a tutor, a secretary, a wife ALL THE TIME!

There’s only so much a person can handle until they break down, and guess what…I’m only holding on by a hair.  We’re in the process of losing our house, and very close to losing the truck also.  We haven’t had any funds to get more chickens for our farm because they were all killed last year while he was in the hospital.  I don’t know what it’s like to be able to take a day and get a manicure or pedicure, or even get a haircut and spend time just with me.  I’m too busy taking care of my husband and my son.  When I married my husband, I said for better or worse, and in sickness and in health…and I’m still here and would never leave my husband.  But, I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish there was some way for us to qualify for the respite care that others get…it all stems back to not being classified as a “service related” disability. 

I get on average of about 3-5 hours of sleep a night.  I help my husband with his homework so that he can at least get some sleep.  To help with our finances, I’ve started entering sweepstakes and contests.  A lot of those prizes that I do happen to win, I usually sell to pay our bills.  There are people that are able to go to Washington and tell the president, “Hey, we need help.”  And they are great advocates.  But what about those of use that are barely surviving?  What about those of use that have fallen through the cracks?  When do I get my respite?  When can I take a day and just relax?  Instead, I worry constantly about our bills.  I worry constantly about my husband.  I worry constantly about how to take care of our son.  I’ve become very thrifty.  I’ve learned how to use coupons.  We eat very cheap, like most of the time it’s rice and beans.  We let other things go, like my dental work.  In order to get our dental insurance it would be another $77 a month our of our already small checks.  So, I’m afraid to smile because of a broken tooth. 

I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful son.  My life has been very blessed.  At least my husband can function at the level that he does.  He is able to go to school with modifications.  If you were to look at him, you wouldn’t even know he has a brain injury.  But, when you talk to him, and he forgets what you say or you see him walk, and he doesn’t walk a straight line, that’s when you know.  That’s when you realize that any sense of normal left my life three years ago when his brain injury was detected.  Before then, he was taking on average of twenty aspirin a day, just to deal with the headaches.  You see in the papers, that the military is taking steps to get the soldiers their disability sooner…but how many can even hope to hold on to what they have when they’re unable to do the things they used to do.  What about the ones that are struggling to just SURVIVE?  Not to mention, what about those that the military agrees are caretakers?  Do I get a paycheck for taking care of my husband?  NO!  Do I get any days off, or any time to myself?  NO!  Do I get any recognition for all that I do or training to make some of it easier?  NO…everything that I’ve learned, everything that I use to help us, I found on my own, and have devised on our own. 

My husband served this country for 20 years!  He was in two wars, and has over ten different combat patches.  What do we have to show for this?  Over draft every week trying to survive, arrangements with the different bill companies to pay past the due date, and one VERY VERY VERY tired wife.  So, while everyone is focused on those soldiers that get injured in active duty, maybe they should also pay attention to those that the injury doesn’t show up until after they’ve retired or been discharged?  And especially those that don’t live close to any VA Hospital for the therapy that would benefit them?  There is a great need to look at those soldiers that are barely surviving on their own, without all the programs that are “designed” to help them!  Maybe our military should remember those soldiers!!  Maybe the military should also remember those that they have already said are caretakers, yet we don’t get paid one single penny!!  Those that are slowly falling apart because they’re doing way more than is humanly possible!  Maybe you should notice those spouses?  Notice that they are slowly falling apart!!

Please Parents: Pay Attention and think of your kids!

I know this is a weird title for a blog post, and I apologize in advance for some of the language that may pop out of my mouth. But in light of the tragedy that has happened to my oldest friend, and other events this week...I feel something needs to be said to the parents. So, again, please let me rant, and if this saves just one life in the future, then it's worth it.

On Tuesday, I received word that my friend lost her brother and her nephew. Tomorrow she has to bury them, alone...or what feels alone because her family CAN'T GROW UP ENOUGH TO NOT FIGHT FOR A FUNERAL!!!

A little history here. My friend was there for me the day I went to school after my parents went to their FIRST court hearing for the divorce. She was there to comfort me and give me a hug during one of the crappiest times of my childhood...and I've had a lot. She is my oldest friend. She has seen what my family put me and my siblings through. Now, fast forward about 24 years to last year.

Her brother is divorcing his wife, and they have two kids. One is special needs, and one is now dead...along with the father. You see, the parents just went through a very nasty divorce, and of course, the children were put in the middle of it.

I know during a divorce it can get nasty, and all you want to do is hurt the other party. But, seriously folks...if there are children involved GROW UP AND ACT LIKE ADULTS!!!!! My parents are not in my life for a reason, they never learned to act like adults and I don't want my son to see that. I gave up my son 12 years ago to his father because I saw that his father was not going to grow up and quit fighting, and there have been several people that have called me a bad mother for it...but I made what I thought was the best decision for my son and I didn't want him to see what I grew up with.

Back to my very dear friend. She got word this week, and flew across the US to bury her brother and nephew because of a murder/suicide. You see, her nephew begged to go live with her, the parents were not grown up enough at the time to see what was best for him. His father said he would raise his son as he sees fit. And now, the son killed his father, and then himself. We will never know what happened in that house. All I know is that my very dear friend is hurting and I can't be there because of my financial situation.

Now you would think that as a father and son are to be buried, that the funerals would be together. But NOOOOO...the sons mother still wants to hurt the family. There is going to be the funeral for the father, then to the cemetery, then back to the funeral home and back to the cemetery for the son. She didn't even list my friend as surviving family in the flyer that gets passed out.

I understand anonymousity , I understand hate. I've felt it. I felt it when I lost Emily. I feel it every day when I think of all that I am missing watching her grow up. I don't even know what she sounds like or what her favorite color is...because the Carter's still want to hurt me. But ultimately it's not me they're hurting...it's Emily. When a mutual friend convinced my son PJ to talk to me, one of the first phrases out of his mouth was, "you're nothing like dad said you were."

Do you really think that by blaming things on the children and fighting over them, that it's best for them??? Do you really think that keeping the children with either parent at a time like that is healthy for the children??

I DON'T THINK SO!!!

This is why I ended up with a foster mother when I was 15...I had begged enough and run away often enough that my parents finally gave up, and in my opinion...I'm halfway decent because of it.

If one thing can come out of this tragedy, hopefully it's to prevent another tragedy down the line. Parents, if you ever get divorced, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN. If you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can't stop fighting long enough to get divorced in a halfway civil way, let your children go stay with a relative. It will be better in the long run and hopefully you won't end up like my friends brother and nephew. Hopefully, you will survive. Don't make a child feel so hopeless that the only way they can see to stop the hurt is to kill you and then themselves...because it hurts more to bury family than it does to let a child live with a relative or close friend.

Trust me...I've seen it. That's why my friend and I get along so well and why we can cry on each others shoulders. We've both got family that refuse to act mature and think of others...all they want is to feel that victory of hurting the other person so much. Well...Yeah...you got the victory...you hurt the other person so much that you also hurt your own son and the only way he saw to get out of it was to die.

THINK ABOUT IT!! IS IT REALLY WORTH ALL THE FIGHTING?

Please, pray for peace for my friend, that has to go to two different funerals tomorrow because the family can't stop fighting, even in the middle of this horrible thing that has happened. Pray for all the families that are going through this, because IT HAS TO STOP SOMETIME!

P.S. I did forget two things.  To the American Red Cross, that had my friends ticket waiting for her at the airport within 3 hours...THANK YOU! For seeing that she got home.
And to the passenger that got bumped from the flight so that she could get on it...I hope you understand and I'm sorry for the delay...but she needed to get home!