Advice from Friends, More Decisions and Update

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of months, and I have a feeling it's just beginning.

I'm facing a few more difficult decisions, and we all know how I am with decisions...

eeny meeny miney moe is my best friend!!

Soooo, I guess I should give you an update also...here goes.

I'm stuck where I'm currently at because I was headed out and got a flat...it was close to another friend, so I called them.  They sent out another friend, and wham bam, I'm now out a rim and tire.

Yes...

They.

Stole.

My.

RIM!!!

And because I used all the cash I had to get the radiator fixed, I don't have anything to get a new rim.  Hence, the STUCK!!!

 Poor Petunia is sitting on a cinder block right now.

On the first, I will be able to get a new rim, and there is a lovely gentleman that has offered me (I believe) all four rims for $50, I hope...LOL.  If not, I can always get the rim and a new tire.  So, more funds goes into the van, but that's OK because I know that just about everything is good and new on her...which is also good because of the other decision I've made.

Which is....

I will be traveling.  The thought of moving into an apartment or anyplace right now scares the crap out of me...to the point of a panic attack if I think about it too long.

I've been lied to, abused, and all out hurt by anyone that has offered me a place to live (I'm not talking about my wonderful friends that have offered me their sofa or floor for a couple nights when the weather got really cold) so I'm just going to stay in the van and travel for a little while.  I think it would be good for my soul and also healing because I really need to step back (as it were) and just heal from the traumas of the past FIVE YEARS!!!

When I came back from Chicago, I went into survival mode, and I haven't stopped to actually heal from any of those events...and because of that, I've done nothing but spiral and self-destruct since then.  And, I'm pretty much at the bottom.  I have very, VERY few friends left that have put up with me, and to those, I say from the bottom of my heart....

THANK YOU

Starting next month, because, well, this month SUX, I'm going to be traveling and camping in my van wherever I go.  I think I have just about everything I need (except a deep cycle battery for Petunia), and I think I'm ready for this huge jump.  

To those friends that I've pushed away; I'm so sorry I didn't listen, or told you to go to H***, or F*** Off, or any of those other wonderfully colorful expletives, I hope you give me a second chance, or third chance, or even the billionth chance, because I'm a work in progress, and I'm still learning...and healing.

Now, another decision...where to go first?  Next month is going to be tight, so it might be local, or a small distance, but I am not sticking around here...that's for sure.  I've been hurt way too much to stick around!! (That includes the not so wonderful Killeen Police Department, who just stood by and let a majority of this happen.)

Now, I know you're saying, you're braver than I am, because I could NEVER just drive like that, but trust me, it's not bravery...it's self preservation.  

There's nothing for me really anywhere...I've lost my family, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost my school (I do hope I can go back someday)....what's left?

On a side note, I had a friend post this the other day, and it doesn't take money...it takes FAITH to do all this!!

I will, however, have to return to my "home" town once a month for doctors appointments.  And I need to find a mailbox there that I can use, but right now, it's just go.

As I embark on this journey, I will post updates.  I've decided, I'm not going to let my family scare me into hiding...I'm not going to let them scare me into anything anymore!  I may have cowered since November, and been scared to death of them, but no more...they can live their life and I will live mine because frankly, I don't care anymore.  They've blocked my number, and my life is a lot easier that way...except for an emergency when I have to get hold of some family.  That's when doing the grownup thing and just not calling comes in handy...and trust me....I don't call, but you can at least unblock the phone for emergencies, or other situations...Like when I accidentally get mail for them!!! But that's another side note.

So, now to decide where to spend the month of February.  Is there anyone that wants to see me particularly?  Any place I should visit?  Any sites to see...of course keeping in mind that it's going to be a low funds month as I catch up so it needs to be kinda local.  

I'm also planning on getting myself a little stove top for the van, and then the deep cycle battery.  I think what I'm going to do is add my wish list here, and have my mailbox as the delivery for anything that people might want to gift me. There's still a lot that I need for the van, but as of right now, it's very livable and comfortable...not the best but it works.

I've also caught up with a couple of people from my past, and I'm really hoping that one of those turns into something else...but time will tell.  

Now the advice from friends...

It appears I act untrustworthy, and I've tried to be open and honest with everyone, so if you don't trust me for some reason or another, I find that a problem, and would like to remedy that.  It really hurt when this friend said I had ulterior motives for doing things, and seriously, I do things to do them and be nice.  I NEVER expect anything in return, and I understand if that is something that people don't quite get...I'm old fashioned that way.  So, when I do things, it's not for Brownie points, or anything like that, it's me being nice.  That's it, end of story...nothing else to follow.  Half the things I do, are completely random and anonymous.

Example:  One act of kindness that I used to do every week, the people in charge wanted to find out who was doing it...after THREE years of doing this, they finally caught me and said thank you...I don't do it for recognition or anything like that...I do it because it makes ME feel better, and it brings a smile to the people it helps.  To this day, I don't know who this random act of kindness has helped, though I've heard stories...I don't know how many people it has helped, and no one has caught me doing it.  That's the random in random acts of kindness, and yes, when I'm in Nacogdoches, I will continue to do it, however I don't plan on being in Nac anytime soon.

Yes, I'm (as one other person put it) BRUTALLY HONEST!!  If you don't like it, or can't tolerate it, then again...maybe it's best we part ways.  

So, this is what's going on...kind of a long update, and I apologize for that.  I know that some of you will say, "You've been fine since I've known you", but I haven't...I've been hurt and just in survival mode, and I want to start living again.  

So, for those from my past that are still here, Thank You...for my new friends that are still around, Thank You...and to my readers, Thank You.

And now, I wait for eleven more days until the end of the month when I can get that stupid rim.

Winter Solstice

On this the shortest day of the year, I would like to reflect on everything.

It's been a rough year, but one where I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I'm made of much sterner stuff than I though. 

I've learned that family doesn't change, no matter how much you want to believe it.

I've learned that there is kindness in strangers.

I've learned that it does get cold, very cold in Texas.

I've learned that, not everyone will be there for you, but those that are, will be there through everything.

I've learned that people can be very manipulative.

I've learned that kindness goes a long way.

I've learned that I can go a couple days without eating, but I have to have my Coke.

I've learned that I can fix some things on my van.

I've learned that family isn't what you're born into, but what you make.

Some of these things I've known, but considering the past year, I need to reiterate them many times over.

Yes, I was born into a crappy family, but I wouldn't change that, because it has made me who I am. 

Yes, all my family wants to do is hurt each other, and I'm OK with that, because I don't have to stay and take it.

Yes, it hurts me very deeply to walk out on my family, but for my own safety and metal health, I must.

I know there are hard times ahead, and I know that things are going to be very lonely, but that's OK also, because I am looking out for my safety now.

I miss my mom.

I miss my crafts.

I miss sleeping in a bed.

I miss warmth in the winter, and air conditioning in the summer.

I miss sewing.

I miss making my journals.

I miss having the luxury to make a meal whenever I want.

I miss cooking.

I miss doing laundry overnight, because, well...I'm lazy.

Did I mention, I miss my mom?

Next year is going to be better because I'm going to make it better.  

And, no, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on just me.  I'm going to try to make at least one person smile everywhere I go.  A little smile can go a long way.

I'm going to try to uplift others.

I"m going to try to be a better person.  

I'm going to love more.

I'm going to live for the moment.

I'm going to shed my fears and GO.

Most of all, I miss who I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing who I become, because out of all this crappy stuff that has happened to me, I still haven't lost my ability to care for others or to have compassion, or to be nice, or just be a good person.  I will not let the actions of a few dictate who I become and I will not let the actions of those same few bring me down.  

They may have knocked me down temporarily, but I will always get back up and I will always fight, because this world needs more people that are 

CARING, LOVING, AND HOPEFUL.

Why must family be like this?

You know....I'm always amazed when I see families stick up for each other...

mine has always been cut throat and vindictive.

I grew up having to hide anything of value to me, hide my feelings, hide anything that made me happy.

I grew up scared that one or both of my parents would take away anything that I enjoyed...so I learned not to show joy in anything...and sometimes that has hurt me, but most of the time it has protected me.

And now, my family thinks it will hurt me that my mom is putting my stuff on the curb...NEWS FLASH....

I have had this happen before...it will happen again.  Anything that means any value to me, I either hide very well or carry with me all the time.

You see, family is not who you are born into...family is who is there for you in the hard times.  Family is who knows you inside and out, and still says it's OK.  Family will give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug when you need it...and I've needed a lot of them lately.  

I have a sister that likes to stick her nose into things that are not her business, and then she says she did it for the better good.  I don't tell her anything of importance because of this...I learned a long time ago that if she isn't happy, she will do what she can to make others not happy also.  

So, my mom is keeping my power chair, because it hurts me.  She won't let me have it...a power chair...that I need.  My wheelchair is in need of repairs, but because I got the power chair, insurance won't fix it...but that's OK...people see what she's doing...people know what's going on.  

In a few months, I hope to have enough to get my lift fixed and try to get a new power chair...maybe even have a place to live, but right now I'm still in my van...I'm still trying to stay warm at night, and I'm still scrounging for what I need...again...there are people that have taken care of me throughout all this, and for that I'm thankful.

I think I've figured out how to mostly stay warm in the van, however that does require me staying in the sleeping bag...but that's OK...Sparky likes it!! And, I"m reading more books...

I wish things were different.  I wish I still had a mom, one that actually doesn't want me dead.  I wish I had a home...but I don't think that is going to happen for a while.  My sister has said that she is going to tag my blog in her blog and tell "the truth" but SERIOUSLY...how can you know exactly what the truth is??? Everyone has their own perception of things, and while it may be true for them, and others in the area, it may not be the truth to someone that is over 1,000 miles away, and really hasn't talked to family until all this happened.  

It's funny how my mom can be mad at her kids, and then all of a sudden, the one that called every day, when everyone else didn't have time for her, is the one that is such a bad person...yes I admit I'm not perfect, but then again, neither is anyone else...and yet I forgive.  I leave the past in the past because that's where it belongs.  Stuff that has been broken or stolen or taken and hidden, is just that...STUFF...I can understand something having sentimental value, however, what if that stuff was lost in a fire, or a tornado...would you hate your daughter for that???  When you've lost everything as many times as I have, you learn that it is just STUFF and that what's important are the people in your life and not the stuff....in the end, you can't take it with you.  But what you've done on this Earth, the people you've impacted, the smiles you've spread...that's what counts...not how much stuff you have amassed.  

I guess this is why it doesn't hurt me too much to lose everything....it hurts, but I know it's just stuff...the memories are with me...I wish I had some of the stuff that I've lost.  I wish I could go back in time, but I can't...all I can do is move forward.  And move forward I will....tomorrow is another day...there are beautiful things all around that I can take pictures of...there are children to make smile, people to impact...kind words to say...a smile to give to everyone...no matter how rotten I feel...things will get better, because they can't get much worse.  

In a couple months, I hope to have a bus that I can work on converting...it may take a while, but that is my goal!!!