Almost Two Years

 So....where have I been for two years?

Living life, letting life live me. 

Learning, losing, hurting, again...Living life.

In these two years, I've yet again lost everything.  (My fault.)

But...

I. HAVE. GAINED. SO. MUCH. MORE.

More wisdom, more patience, more empathy, more friends.  

My ability to walk, such as it was is almost gone.  

We knew this was coming, but it still hurts when there is something that I used to easily do that I can't do anymore.  Or when I forget how it feels to do something, like just walk into a store...without worrying if my chair is going to fit.  

So...what has happened in these two years?

I got an apartment, lived there for an entire year!!! 

It wasn't for me, became homeless again...got another apartment, and because of harassment and a very dangerous living situation provided by the apartment manager, I left everything I owned and became homeless again.  (More on that story in a bit.)

I have had such loss these past two years.  Sometimes, I think it's more than I can handle...but I am surviving.

My dad died on June 4, 2021.  My lovely sister made it to where I couldn't be there when he died. (Gotta love family right?)

Nine days later, on June 13, 2021, my mom died.  Again, my lovely sister made it to where I couldn't be there when she died.  (Man...my family sux sometimes!)

In less than two weeks, I lost my whole world.  And I still haven't recovered from that.  I don't think I ever will.  

I wandered around for a while, homeless again.  This was before the second apartment.  And, started on a journey that is continuing to this day.  

When I got that second apartment, things were good.  Then they fired the office staff and brought someone else in.  That's when things got really bad.  I endeded up getting threatened and harassed so much that I walked away from everything I own for my own safety.  Packed up what I could, and left to live on the streets.

The next day, I spent some time at the library...where I saw this guy sitting there reading on his phone.  The head of the library helped me out by calling one of the accessibility coordinators for the City of Killeen, who immediately came to see me.  Then, she helped me file charges against the maintenance person at my apartments who was threatning me.  Then this wonderful lady helped me get into the homeless shelter in Killeen, Friends in Crisis.  (I can not express enough thanks and gratitude for them.)

I was told to be there at 1:00 PM, and since I had no car, I wheeled over there from the library, which was only a couple of blocks.  There, I knocked on the door and was told I had to wait until 3:00 PM when they let everyone in and then they would do my intake.  To my utter surprise, that very same gentleman came walking up and got in line.  And, he started talking to me...with something along the lines of "weren't you at the library earlier?"   This started the path to something that I had been scared of for the past seven years since I divorced my husband.  

That wonderful man is now my boyfriend.  He now works at Tesla in Austin, and he treats me so wonderfully that I wonder if this is a dream.  

We moved in together.  If you know me, you know that I follow my gut feelings, and my gut said this person, named Jacob, was there for me.  At first, I kept telling him that I didn't want a relationship...after all I had been on my own for SEVEN YEARS!! I was fine on my own.  

But...I wasn't.  I never knew that it could feel this good to be in a relationship.  That this is what happiness is like.  This is a new experience for both of us.  We both arrived at the shelter so broken.  We're both learning how to have a healthy relationship...but we're doing it.  

Winter Solstice

On this the shortest day of the year, I would like to reflect on everything.

It's been a rough year, but one where I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I'm made of much sterner stuff than I though. 

I've learned that family doesn't change, no matter how much you want to believe it.

I've learned that there is kindness in strangers.

I've learned that it does get cold, very cold in Texas.

I've learned that, not everyone will be there for you, but those that are, will be there through everything.

I've learned that people can be very manipulative.

I've learned that kindness goes a long way.

I've learned that I can go a couple days without eating, but I have to have my Coke.

I've learned that I can fix some things on my van.

I've learned that family isn't what you're born into, but what you make.

Some of these things I've known, but considering the past year, I need to reiterate them many times over.

Yes, I was born into a crappy family, but I wouldn't change that, because it has made me who I am. 

Yes, all my family wants to do is hurt each other, and I'm OK with that, because I don't have to stay and take it.

Yes, it hurts me very deeply to walk out on my family, but for my own safety and metal health, I must.

I know there are hard times ahead, and I know that things are going to be very lonely, but that's OK also, because I am looking out for my safety now.

I miss my mom.

I miss my crafts.

I miss sleeping in a bed.

I miss warmth in the winter, and air conditioning in the summer.

I miss sewing.

I miss making my journals.

I miss having the luxury to make a meal whenever I want.

I miss cooking.

I miss doing laundry overnight, because, well...I'm lazy.

Did I mention, I miss my mom?

Next year is going to be better because I'm going to make it better.  

And, no, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on just me.  I'm going to try to make at least one person smile everywhere I go.  A little smile can go a long way.

I'm going to try to uplift others.

I"m going to try to be a better person.  

I'm going to love more.

I'm going to live for the moment.

I'm going to shed my fears and GO.

Most of all, I miss who I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing who I become, because out of all this crappy stuff that has happened to me, I still haven't lost my ability to care for others or to have compassion, or to be nice, or just be a good person.  I will not let the actions of a few dictate who I become and I will not let the actions of those same few bring me down.  

They may have knocked me down temporarily, but I will always get back up and I will always fight, because this world needs more people that are 

CARING, LOVING, AND HOPEFUL.

How I spent Thanksgiving

I wanted to wait to post this because it's been a full couple of days.

I met new family today, and was amazed at how friendly and welcoming they were.  

My adopted dad took me to his other adopted son's house and I met his family...who are now my family.  

On the way there, I wanted to listen to Rich Mullens, and my daddy said he had never heard me listen to Christian music.  I then told him my testimony and how I know I'm here for a reason, and that since that day I've tried to live an upright life.  

He sat and digested what I told him, and I thought for sure he would think I was crazy...but he just told me that I continually amaze him.

Then we got to Lil Bull's house...and wow!  Right away, I was family...the kids just embraced me and talked to me like they had known me forever...I NEEDED this today!

Things with my mom have still been crazy.  I received a threat tonight from her that I better keep an eye on my cats...BTW if anyone wants a kitten, I still have one available.

She still maintains that her caretaker, Josh did not assault me...that my pride was hurt...ummm....HELLO...what is this scar I have on my forehead???

I don't know where the next few weeks are going to take me...but I do know that I am scared to stay around here.  I am scared of Josh...I was told by the worthless Killeen Police Department that I need to go and file charges, and this was after I went up there the day after the assault and told the desk clerk I had to make the statement and go through with whatever I had to do.  In Nac, none of this would have mattered...they would have taken the case right away...here, it's like they don't want to work at all.  

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy your Black Friday shopping!! Me, I'm going to set in my van and chill for a while, or maybe sit here where I'm at and work on the computer.  I'm kinda stuck until I get paid, which may be tomorrow, or it may be Monday...with my bank you never know...which is why I'm switching banks next month.  

I'm just Thankful that I had family to spend today with, and that I have friends that are willing to help me out in this trying time.  I got blamed today for my mom not having anywhere to go or anyone to be with on Thanksgiving...it's not my fault...maybe people see you how you really are.  My thing is, I forgive you...but it will take a very long time for me to trust you again.

Who is Marci?

You know, I just want to write.  I don't have a clever title for my blogs, or anything like that.

This is the telling of my experiences, and my life.

And, sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that it just needs to be said.

Yes, I've neglected my blog for a while because I wasn't sure what to write, and I was trying to figure out what direction I wanted my blog to take.  So, I'm not going in one direction, I'm staying true to myself and just posting what I feel, what I want to say, and what needs to be said.  

Right now, what needs to be said is that I'm OK.  I'm OK with my life.  I'm OK with living in my van.  I'm OK with being single. (Yeah, a significant other would be fantastic, but there's nothing on the horizon.)

I've always been a caretaker for other people, starting when I was 12 and my grandmother moved in with us.  I would help her get dressed and help with things around the house.  Then, I got married, and had kids.  Now, I have none of that...it's just me, and I'm so lost right now because it is just me.  

Who is Marci?  

Who is this woman that is so broken?

Who is this survivor?

For the first question, I have no clue.  I know what I like, I know about what I want, and I know that I need to become stronger.

Second question...that woman is a survivor.

That woman is a person that has been abused by her parents, her spouses, pretty much everyone that said "I love you" to me, with the exception of my children has hurt me one way or another.  

Third question...that survivor is Marci.  She is broken, but don't expect that to last.  She has fought her way back to a semblance of peace before and can do it again.  

It's one thing to be betrayed by people that are supposedly friends, however, for your own parent to do this to you is another story.  A parent is supposed to protect their child, not bully them, not abuse them and make them feel like crap.  

Even if the child is grown, they still look to their parents for protection, and when that protection is not there, the child learns they have to protect and defend themselves.  

When I was 13, my parents (both of them) admitted they never wanted me.  It took me the better part of 25 years to have a relationship with my mom because of this.  On a side note, I forgave them for that a long time ago...more for my own sanity than anything.  It started with phone calls to my mom daily.  Then some visits.  Then when I moved into my van shortly before Christmas last year, my mom said she was worried and didn't want me living in my van.  She asked me to move in with her...she had a spare room and she wanted my company.  So, I quit my job and moved to Killeen.  

The week after I moved in with her, she fell and broke her hip.  I believe that God wanted me there with her, because I advocated for her, and barely left her side while she was in the hospital and rehab...even sleeping on the little fold out cots they had.  I met some awesome people and made some friends during that adventure.

Then, things turned.  I've always said October is a bad month for me, even though it is my birthday month.  The beginning of October saw me telling my mom that I was only going to do fundraising for a van or lift for myself.  And, I explained why it was for me, because a van could hold two chairs, and if I got the van, DARS would convert it for me, versus her getting the van and me being stuck without a vehicle.  She was not happy about that decision...she wanted me to give her a van, and go without one for myself.  And, then things really started to get bad...

When she got her new "service dog" that is not even potty trained, she also bought over $100 of stuff for the dog and then the dog had to go to the vet, which was another $150, on top of the $200 she paid for the dog.  So, I spent all my funds trying to pay her bills because she WANTED this dog...She WANTED to spend the money on what she WANTED.  I NEEDED to get the bills paid.  I lost my pool cue in the pawn shop, my jewelry that I had sized, and still haven't gotten my glasses because I put every penny into her bills and household.  I've lost everything...and then....

When I came home from Nightfall, she told me that she was going to start keeping track of what her other worker did because the work wasn't getting done.  The worker took my stuff from when I was sewing and put it in the doorway of my room, to where I couldn't even walk in there, and took pictures.  THEN, she and my mom told the landlord I was destroying the room, and showed the landlord those pictures.  Now, the blinds in the room were destroyed by my moms other dog, and the stains on the floor were from her dogs going to the bathroom on the floor...not from my mess...my room may be cluttered, but not totally messy.

The landlord is now trying to evict me, if my mom had waited until I got paid, like I promised, I would have willingly left the day I got paid...instead I'm waiting until I get the court order.  This way, I don't have to rush out of the house, and I won't lose everything....again.  

So, my mom of course cried out emotional abuse and then her other caretaker cried financial abuse, claiming I was stealing from my mom.  First off, I made more money than her, and covered her bills...which can be proven.  And, she was aware of every thing what was spent...EVERYTHING.  I have text messages etc, and the money transfers when I transferred money to her account for her to pay the bills.  I have proof otherwise, and since these allegations were leveled on me, there is an investigation...and the investigation will prove exactly this.  

So, besides that...I lived through two weeks of literal HELL because my mom allowed her guests to bully and harass me.  She allowed them to call me names, threaten me, threaten my cat...make me scared to be in my own house.   

So, now....I've been betrayed by my own mother...I've been bullied and harassed by people I thought were friends.  And, I've gone back into my safe haven...my van...good old Petunia.  It's weird that a van will make me feel safe, but if you think about it...it's mine, and it's secure.  

So, new start...Marci is broken, Marci has been abused and betrayed, and Marci is surviving all this.  And coming through on the other side a stronger person.  I am Marci, and I am a survivor....and this is just another bump in the road of life.

Twists and Turns

I've neglected my blog for almost three years.

Three years I've wanted to write so much, and when it came down to it, did I really want to share everything with the world.

YES!  

I do want to share with you.  I want to share what's been going on, what I have been feeling, what I've been going through, my ups and downs...I want to start sharing again.  

So, what is my blog about?

It used to be about my life as a wife, a mother, and a farmer. 

I used to advocate about TBI, Hydrocephalus, Rare diseases, and things that affected me in my daily life.

Now, it's going to be about things that affect me in my daily life...however...it's now going to be about van living, fighting for my rights, thoughts, and people I meet.  

And, I will tell you...I will tell everyone...

I live in my van.  I got tired of landlords evicting me for asking for a wheelchair ramp, I got tired of roommates that decide to screw me over, and I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing that other people take for granted...like being able to get into their apartment or house.

It's tough, it's expensive at times, but I have a nice little schedule worked out.  

Most days, you will find me at the Gateway Truck Stop...You meed the most amazing people there.  Truck drivers that come through town once a week, those that don't ever come back again. 

The local firemen that come for breakfast, and sometimes have to leave in a hurry in the middle of their meal.  The older gentleman that I"m really worried about...he's all alone, and I don't think he eats much.  I've paid for his meals a couple of times.  The couple that home schools their son and daughter.  The family that comes in after church every Sunday.  The group of men that must have been friends for a very long time that comes in for coffee every morning.  

Living in my van has made me aware of how little space I have, and that I can get by with very little.  I miss my crafting, I miss my jewelry making,  I miss my sewing...but I don't think I would trade it for anything right now.  

Slowly, I"m coming back to myself.  When everything happened three years ago,  lost myself and it has been a very long road, but I"m making it.  Life will throw you curve balls.  You can expect at least one surprise every day.  And there are still good people out in the world.  

So, with that said....

HI!  I'm Marci, I've been away for a while, but I think I've finally found my voice again.  And, boy do I have a lot to tell you.

Things I've learned in 2018

As 2018 closes, I'm reflecting on what I've learned this year...because it was a year of very hard lessons.

I learned....

...that no matter what happens, there are a few people that will always be there for you.

...trust is very fragile, and once broken it's very hard to fix...often times it's fixed with damage that can't be repaired.

...people change.  

...you can try to break me, but you will fail...and I will come out stronger.

...the kindness of strangers is overpowering.

...everyone deserves a second (and sometimes third and fourth) chance.

...I can live in about 60 square feet comfortably.

...who needs an apartment when you have your van!

...I LOVE my job!!! (and sometimes my bosses!)

...I'm undecided about returning to SFA.

...life isn't fair and that's OK.

...how to sew!!! 

...those that stick around are priceless and those that leave didn't deserve to be in your life in the first place.

...never judge a book by it's cover, and never judge a person by their past.

...the staff at Denny's is awesome!!!

It's been a wild year, and if I had my choice, I would do it exactly the same, with all the mistakes and all the heartache, because I've learned so much from everything that has happened.  I have my goals for 2019 but I"m keeping those to myself because they are my goals and mine alone.  However, I will post a few because it gives me something to work towards. But, that's tomorrow...