Thursday, July 20, 2017

Baby Steps...Sorta

Tonight marks one week since I was transferred to a different campaign.
I like the new campaign, but I miss my old one very much. 
I miss helping customers and being very busy.  
But, my new campaign offers a lot of challenges also.

For the last two days, I rolled to work.  There's half a mile where I'm actually on North street, and I'm scared every moment that a car won't move over or slow down.
The rest of the way I can take back streets.

On Monday, I'm taking my van to get fixed.  I'm hoping that it's just that I'm an idiot and don't know how to use the lift.  

Life is going on, yet I still feel like a part of me is being left behind.
I miss my husband.  I miss being married.  I miss that life.
What do you do when your heart is torn out?  
I joke and call the past two years the "Tornado" that hit my life, but in actuality it's more like a mack truck.  And, just in case it didn't do the job the first keeps coming back.

For the first time in two years, I've paid all my bills, and had a little extra.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop.  I keep waiting for the mack truck to come and roll over me again.  

Tomorrow I get my second paycheck from work...I'm scared and excited at the same time.  I'm no fool, I know that I could lose my job in a heartbeat.  All I want to do is put as much money aside as I can...I want to hide every penny I earn.  But, then again, I want to enjoy a little of my hard work.  

And then...I keep having glimpses of things I've lost...and I get angry at him again.  Then I think, hope that it was the PTSD that affected him...Then I get angry again because the system, our VA system dropped him in the cracks.  To this day, I want to fight for him, to try to make things like they used to be.  

I know he's still in there...the happy guy that always made me laugh.  The guy that lived 18 years in misery because he wanted to look out for me.  The guy that told me that Thanksgiving night that he loved me.  That's the guy that I miss.  That's the life that I miss.