Baby Steps...Sorta

Tonight marks one week since I was transferred to a different campaign.

I like the new campaign, but I miss my old one very much. 

I miss helping customers and being very busy.  

But, my new campaign offers a lot of challenges also.

For the last two days, I rolled to work.  There's half a mile where I'm actually on North street, and I'm scared every moment that a car won't move over or slow down.

The rest of the way I can take back streets.

On Monday, I'm taking my van to get fixed.  I'm hoping that it's just that I'm an idiot and don't know how to use the lift.  

Life is going on, yet I still feel like a part of me is being left behind.

I miss my husband.  I miss being married.  I miss that life.

What do you do when your heart is torn out?  

I joke and call the past two years the "Tornado" that hit my life, but in actuality it's more like a mack truck.  And, just in case it didn't do the job the first time...it keeps coming back.

For the first time in two years, I've paid all my bills, and had a little extra.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop.  I keep waiting for the mack truck to come and roll over me again.  

Tomorrow I get my second paycheck from work...I'm scared and excited at the same time.  I'm no fool, I know that I could lose my job in a heartbeat.  All I want to do is put as much money aside as I can...I want to hide every penny I earn.  But, then again, I want to enjoy a little of my hard work.  

And then...I keep having glimpses of things I've lost...and I get angry at him again.  Then I think, hope that it was the PTSD that affected him...Then I get angry again because the system, our VA system dropped him in the cracks.  To this day, I want to fight for him, to try to make things like they used to be.  

I know he's still in there...the happy guy that always made me laugh.  The guy that lived 18 years in misery because he wanted to look out for me.  The guy that told me that Thanksgiving night that he loved me.  That's the guy that I miss.  That's the life that I miss.

It's Been TWO years.

It's been two years since I went to Chicago.

Two years since everything in my life was normal.

Two years since I started this rollercoaster that is now my life.

A lot has happened in those two years.

I came back to a new life.

I'm no longer a wife.

I no longer live in Lufkin.

I'm no longer a member of PBL...though I hope that changes this year.

I've gravitated more towards politics.

I've learned who I am again...

For a while, I lost myself...

I forgot who I was.

I put Mike first...all the time.

My family has been torn apart.  

The man that I thought I knew, have known for 30 years

CHANGED.

So, now I'm divorced...again.  I've been absent for a while to try to get my life straight.  

I still have my hard days.

I still think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.

I still face the uncertainty...

EVERY.

SINGLE.

DAY.

I wake up scared, I go to bed scared.

The life that I once had, the security, is gone.

BUT

I've made wonderful friends.

I've learned a lot.

I've found who I am again.

You know, people ask me constantly if I were able to go back and change anything, would I do it.  My answer is, and has always been

NO.

Everything that has happened to me, everything that I've gone through, every tear that I've cried, every heartache, every fear, has contributed to make me who I am...and I wouldn't change that for the world.  Yeah, it's hard...it hurts.  

IT SUCKS! But, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Two Years....it seems like a lifetime ago.

Happy New Year!

As we welcome in a New Year, I want to reflect on this past year.  

There have been times when I thought I couldn't go on, and there are times when I was so full of hope that it was overflowing.  There are different reasons to celebrate a new year. It could be because you have dreams for the upcoming year, or you want a horrible year to be in the past.  Or both.

In the past year I've done several things and had several things happen to me:

I fought my apartments about Fair Housing and got evicted.

I survived an assault from my ex husband which left me with an incomplete SCI.

I was recognized as "Senator of the Year" for Student Government Association.

I found a new place to live, and had to move from there because of the ex.

I finally got back on track as far as school.

I've learned to walk with AFO's...it's kinda interesting.

I was nominated as Sergeant at Arms of Student Government Association.

I've learned a lot this past year, and I still have a lot of learning to do.  This life is constantly changing and I'm constantly changing with it.  I've said goodbye to my marriage, and I've accepted the fact that I'm single again.  There's always room for improvement and there's always goals.  So, with that being said, here are a couple of resolutions for 2017:

1.  Get a job.

2.  Keep an apartment.

3.  Win at least one tournament in Magic.

4.  Get my Level I judge for Magic.

5.  Get Certified Student Leader endorsements.

6.  Get all three levels of CMAP.

7.  Try to repair broken relationships, and make ammends to those I have wronged.

8.  Continue rebuilding my life.

These may seem like stupid goals to some, but to me, it's showing that my life is going on, that I"m not letting HIM hold me back, that I can perservere even though my life is changed.  

I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

You see...when you lose soeone, you are supposed to have time to grieve.  Me, however, I never had that chance...I had to continue and try to maintain some sense of normal..  I had to continue in school, I had to fight for a place to live...I had to survive.

So, for the past year and a half, I've been in survival mode...and not too many people realize that.  They expected me to be OK, but guess what...I'M NOT!!!

It is a daily struggle to wake up and know that I wasn't good enough to be a wife, that I wans't worth the time it took to say "f*** you, I don't want to be with you anymore"...and yet all this time, I haven't been able to grieve.

When I lost Emily, I pretended like everything was OK, that I didn't just lose my only daughter...I tried to go on, and it almost killed me...LITERALLY. 

Then, June 2015 I came home to my current nightmare.  While trying to continue school, and pretend that everything is OK, my life has been falling apart.  You can't build a house on quicksand and expect it to not sink.  The same is true for a person whose heart and soul have been shartered.  I was too busy trying to pretend nothing was wrong that I lost myself.  

My security was stolen, my trust was shattered and my sense of safety was thrown out the window.  What was left?  My faith?  I'm holding on to that by a thread.

And, during this whole time I've not had one person say "It's going to be OK Marci, please just cry on my shoulder"...NOT ONE!

See, inside every adult there is still this little child that wants to be held when they're hurting and scared, and I've lived the past year and a half scared to death.

I haven't had the time to crawl under the table and get my bearings...I haven't had the time to mourn anything.  I've just had to survive...and a person can only live in survival mode for so long before they crack...and guess what??? I'm there!

NO, IT'S NOT THE STRESS OF TAKING 15 HOURS, OR BEING TOO INVOLVED...THAT IS WHAT HAS KEPT ME SANE...I've been too busy to think about what I've lost, and believe me it's a lot more than you think.  When you have a parent that chases you down the block with a butcher knife, you have to take a little extra time to find your safe spot...if you even have one.  I had one, or so I thought...however, I haven't been able to get back there since my life fell apart.  I've had to pretend to be strong because others were counting on me...others were looking up at me....never realizing that that pillar that I was standing on had cracks everywhere and it was only a matter of time before it crashed down.  And yet, when it does crash, I'm still expected to go on like nothing is happening.  

There are very few people that really KNOW me.  I've been guarded most of my adult life because of what happened to me as a child.  When you grow up in an abused house, you have no safety anywhere.  For me, it was always crawling under a table or a desk...some place where I could fit and feel secure.  

Not once have I had a person just sit with me and let me cry and grieve for all that I've lost this past year and a half...

NOT.

ONE.

TIME.

NEVER.

And maybe it's asking too much of people...maybe its too much for me to say, "look, I lost everything that was my security...please, just let me cry it out, let me be that little girl that needa a shoulder,"

And so, in being expected to just go on with things, I've lashed out...at friends that didn't deserve it.  At people that I've admired, and mentors...

Please, just let me cry it out...please, don't tell me it will be OK because it's not OK...everything is a mess and I would rather you be honest with me than expect me to go on as if my life didn't just come crashing down.  

So, if you see me and I say I'm fine, know that I'm not fine.

I've lost everything that meant anything close to "safe" and by saying I'm fine, I'm really saying, please, I just want a shoulder or a friend.

Let me rebuild, but first I have to grieve...and I haven't been able to grieve yet...so I am a big pile of mess that looks like everything is OK...when it's not.\

I miss my husband, yes he assaulted me, but that doesn't make me love him less...it just means that he needs help. So, even though he's not dead, it seems like it because the person I fell in love with is gone..  And, I'm still grieving for that man. 

Reflections of Me

For just over a month now, my life has been in limbo...but it's starting to settle down.

While I hate this whole situation, and the prospect of divorce, I cherish what I've learned this month.

Mainly...I have friends...They're willing to help me...and they're there for me.  

On June 27, 2015, my life as I know it changed.  It all started with a text message from my husband telling me he was in an accident.  As most wives do, I tried to get information, I tried to find out anything, only to find out that (surprise) we "were in the middle of a divorce" and the he doesn't want me to know anything.  

Thus began the tornado that I now call my life.  While I didn't want to file for divorce, I am.  While I didn't want to be single, I am.  But, I am also enjoying my life.  I'm doing things I wasn't allowed to do for the past eight years and it's wonderful.  

I get to take pictures all the time.  I get to post about MY LIFE and the people in it WITHOUT getting yelled at because I shared something they didn't like.  And, I get to go places that I would have automatically said NO to at the beginning of the summer.  Things that were automatically out of the question, are suddenly doable.  

Yes, going out on my own is scary.  I have to rethink things when I go to the store so I don't get things for my husband, and it can be lonely.  But you know what?

I was lonely at home.

I was alone most of the time anyway.

I was abused by him...something that I hid very well, but I don't need to hide anymore.

(And, yes, there are police reports)

I was controlled by him.

I was unhappy.

I tried very hard to make my marriage work.  I hid the fact that I was an abused wife.  I supported him through school and through doctors appointments.  I was the one that was there with him when he didn't feel well.  I was the one that drove him to every appointment.  I was the one that got yelled at when he couldn't understand Algebra.  

So, while I'm moving from limbo to permanent and it's really scary, 

But...new beginnings and not so happy endings.  

This is no longer my home and it's time to acknowledge that.  While I've had many happy and wonderful times there, it's time to move on.

It's Valentine's Day

I want to say Happy Valentine's Day to everyone out there. This is a bittersweet day for me. For many, many years I was alone and watched other people in love. Now, I have the love of my life and I'm happy, even with all the trials and tribulations that we go through. But, this of all days, brings back memories of others in my life. Some good, most bad. There are memories of very good friends that have passed and memories of love lost.

 

What surprises me is I had a dream about one of those lost loves yesterday. No, nothing like that (shame on you). More like; forgiveness. Because in my life I've made mistakes, and sometimes they were big mistakes. And it wasn't even with my ex-bf it was his mom that forgave me.

And today I think of my ex-husband. He just fought cancer, and his house burned down last year. Even though we divorced, I still care about him because he is the father of my son. But today, of all days, I think about the time when I left him and the turmoil I went through. I left him because of domestic violence. When you leave under those circumstances, there is always that part of you that wants to go back and hope things will change, and then there's the other part that knows things won't change. I went through that for a year, I fought those feelings.

 

So, today is bittersweet. Today, I'm madly in love! Today, I will remember the past, but I will focus on the present. Every moment with DH is precious. I almost lost him last year, and it took over 20 years for us to be together. We don't take anything for granted and every day is a gift.

So, today...HUG your Valentine! HUG your children! And, focus on the present!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day to the eternal couple in my life...Manessa and Kelsey, I really miss you guys!

Please Parents: Pay Attention and think of your kids!

I know this is a weird title for a blog post, and I apologize in advance for some of the language that may pop out of my mouth. But in light of the tragedy that has happened to my oldest friend, and other events this week...I feel something needs to be said to the parents. So, again, please let me rant, and if this saves just one life in the future, then it's worth it.

On Tuesday, I received word that my friend lost her brother and her nephew. Tomorrow she has to bury them, alone...or what feels alone because her family CAN'T GROW UP ENOUGH TO NOT FIGHT FOR A FUNERAL!!!

A little history here. My friend was there for me the day I went to school after my parents went to their FIRST court hearing for the divorce. She was there to comfort me and give me a hug during one of the crappiest times of my childhood...and I've had a lot. She is my oldest friend. She has seen what my family put me and my siblings through. Now, fast forward about 24 years to last year.

Her brother is divorcing his wife, and they have two kids. One is special needs, and one is now dead...along with the father. You see, the parents just went through a very nasty divorce, and of course, the children were put in the middle of it.

I know during a divorce it can get nasty, and all you want to do is hurt the other party. But, seriously folks...if there are children involved GROW UP AND ACT LIKE ADULTS!!!!! My parents are not in my life for a reason, they never learned to act like adults and I don't want my son to see that. I gave up my son 12 years ago to his father because I saw that his father was not going to grow up and quit fighting, and there have been several people that have called me a bad mother for it...but I made what I thought was the best decision for my son and I didn't want him to see what I grew up with.

Back to my very dear friend. She got word this week, and flew across the US to bury her brother and nephew because of a murder/suicide. You see, her nephew begged to go live with her, the parents were not grown up enough at the time to see what was best for him. His father said he would raise his son as he sees fit. And now, the son killed his father, and then himself. We will never know what happened in that house. All I know is that my very dear friend is hurting and I can't be there because of my financial situation.

Now you would think that as a father and son are to be buried, that the funerals would be together. But NOOOOO...the sons mother still wants to hurt the family. There is going to be the funeral for the father, then to the cemetery, then back to the funeral home and back to the cemetery for the son. She didn't even list my friend as surviving family in the flyer that gets passed out.

I understand anonymousity , I understand hate. I've felt it. I felt it when I lost Emily. I feel it every day when I think of all that I am missing watching her grow up. I don't even know what she sounds like or what her favorite color is...because the Carter's still want to hurt me. But ultimately it's not me they're hurting...it's Emily. When a mutual friend convinced my son PJ to talk to me, one of the first phrases out of his mouth was, "you're nothing like dad said you were."

Do you really think that by blaming things on the children and fighting over them, that it's best for them??? Do you really think that keeping the children with either parent at a time like that is healthy for the children??

I DON'T THINK SO!!!

This is why I ended up with a foster mother when I was 15...I had begged enough and run away often enough that my parents finally gave up, and in my opinion...I'm halfway decent because of it.

If one thing can come out of this tragedy, hopefully it's to prevent another tragedy down the line. Parents, if you ever get divorced, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN. If you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can't stop fighting long enough to get divorced in a halfway civil way, let your children go stay with a relative. It will be better in the long run and hopefully you won't end up like my friends brother and nephew. Hopefully, you will survive. Don't make a child feel so hopeless that the only way they can see to stop the hurt is to kill you and then themselves...because it hurts more to bury family than it does to let a child live with a relative or close friend.

Trust me...I've seen it. That's why my friend and I get along so well and why we can cry on each others shoulders. We've both got family that refuse to act mature and think of others...all they want is to feel that victory of hurting the other person so much. Well...Yeah...you got the victory...you hurt the other person so much that you also hurt your own son and the only way he saw to get out of it was to die.

THINK ABOUT IT!! IS IT REALLY WORTH ALL THE FIGHTING?

Please, pray for peace for my friend, that has to go to two different funerals tomorrow because the family can't stop fighting, even in the middle of this horrible thing that has happened. Pray for all the families that are going through this, because IT HAS TO STOP SOMETIME!

P.S. I did forget two things.  To the American Red Cross, that had my friends ticket waiting for her at the airport within 3 hours...THANK YOU! For seeing that she got home.
And to the passenger that got bumped from the flight so that she could get on it...I hope you understand and I'm sorry for the delay...but she needed to get home!