I am ANGRY

So, my ex is out of prison...and me being the peacemaker I am, I was talking to him and trying to patch some things up.  

No, I never want to be in a relationship with him, but for the sake of my son, I want to at least be on talking terms with him.

Now, yesterday I had a doctors appointment.  Usually, my doctor says "disc disease" or something to that effect for my back.  Instead, yesterday, he actually said "cord injury".

HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS...

You see, I think he was avoiding saying it just as much as I was avoiding hearing it.  And last night, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

I was texting my ex and said I wanted to be left alone, and he said whatever it was it wasn't his fault. I said, actually it is your fault.

Then he had the audacity to say, "It's not because of me, I don't blame all my problems on you." Then he further said "I never touched you so it was not assault".  

Now, I'm fairly calm about things, but last night I really wanted to kill him.  For him to still deny what he did, and that he didn't do anything, it hurt me more than the assault.  

So, I'm ANGRY because it is because of him that I have trouble walking.  It is because of him that I didn't feel when my foot got burned last year.  It is because of him that I avoid going to stores because it takes me so long to get out of my van.  Yes, it is his fault that I'm in a wheelchair, that I have to wear braces if I want to walk at all, that my back hurts every day.  

So, I will say again, I am a domestic violence survivor.  I survived a very abusive marriage...with a man who is still convinced he did nothing wrong and this is all my fault.  

Guess what?  It's taken me a long time (and I still struggle with this) to admit that it was NOT MY FAULT.  I can not control his actions.  I can only control how I react to the situation.  I live my life in a wheelchair now, and I love my life.  

Yes, it gets very annoying, yes it gets old; especially on days like today when I got totally wet headed in to work.  Or days when my elbows and shoulders hurt.  Or when physical therapy hurts so much that my legs don't want to cooperate...but I do it.  I keep on rolling.  I make jokes about not walking, and having the best seat in the place.  

So, Yes, I'm very ANGRY that he thinks he did nothing wrong...but that's not my problem.  For now, I will go to bed, and sleep in my apartment, with my cat, in my bed.  I've worked hard for the things I have, and they may not be the best, but they're mine.  I love my life and I love my job.  

It has taken getting used to, but I'm surviving.  And as far as my ex, there's a reason you spent almost 2 years in prison.  There's a reason you were convicted of a felony...and not because "it's not my fault."  

I'm Thankful for...

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be Thankful for.

I may not have much but I have a roof over my head.

I've lost a lot but I still have my health.

I may not be able to walk well, but I can still walk.

I thought I was alone, but I have a few friends.

I have my cat, who always makes me smile...even when she's being stubborn.

I may not have school anymore, but I'm still learning.

I may have lost a couple of friends this year, but I've gained so much more in the terms of angels and extended family.

I won't lie...it's been a VERY. VERY. ROUGH. couple of years...but I 

SURVIVED!

I thought my life was good, and two years ago I came back from a school trip to a nightmare.

I had lost my husband and my belongings all in one action....I had to start over.

You never know just how much strength you have until you are tested, and I'm happy to say I'm STRONG.

I may have lost the love of my life, but it wasn't because of anything I did...he was unhappy, he made the decision that resulted in his accident, and everything after that.

I still have a long way to go with recovering from his assault, and I may never fully recover, but I've forgiven him.  A part of me still loves him, and will always love him, but I know now that we will never be together again.  He is still unhappy with his life, and he is trying to shift the blame to me...but the truth is...I did everything for him.  

I may still struggle with being alone, but I know...in the darkest of moments I have friends that are more than friends...they're family.  I know that no matter what, I will survive...and I'm a stronger person because of everything.

I will admit...every day is a struggle.  A struggle to maintain some semblance of normal...but I have a new normal and I'm trying to find it. I struggle with self-worth, like just about all other domestic violence survivors, I still blame myself...but I'm working on that also.  

I struggle with the after effects of his assault...and knowning that I couldn't have done anything to prevent it.  

The Masons expelled him for a reason...he's not a good person, no matter what he says.  He lies, he is extremely violent, and he should still be in prison (but knowing him and his temper he will be back there soon).

Most of all, I'm Thankful to be alive...there are times when I doubted my reason for being here.  But I know I'm here for a reason.  Maybe it's to tell my story, maybe it's to help that one person reading this and saying..."I can do this too"

Maybe it's to make more mistakes and learn from them.

If you're reading this, let me know what you're Thankful for...maybe it will help someone else in the future.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

This whole situation sucks!

First off I want to say, yes, I care about what happened in Paris, and I would love to help, however, right now I have more pressing issues.  

I've said before, and I will say again...my faith is great!  I know that God has a plan through all of this ugliness.  And, yes, I will follow his plan.

With that being said, I never said I had to like his plan.  In fact, I think this whole situation sucks! In tmy opinion, he landlords still think that they can get out of the Fair Housing complaint because the lease stated "underlined and highlighted" "NO DOGS!" The problem with that, service animals aren't seen as dogs, etc...they are assistive devices.  They help people with disabilities.  There's no way around that one...the violations are there, they should have just said, thank you for telling us we were wrong how can we fix this?  

Then, the male landlord came by the other day, and besides making me late for class, told me that they are going after me for defamation of character because I'm putting what they do on the internet.  There are several websites that list the difinition of defamation as : 

the act of making UNTRUE statements about another which damages his/her reputation

What I post is TRUTH!  And, how the heck can this damage your "reputation" when you bragged that there were over 200 people in your bible study last week?  Seriously?  Damaging your reputation?  I have been a blogger for over five years, I think I understand the first amendment that allows :

FREEDOM. OF. SPEECH.

Yes, it's true that you raised your voice at me, and I will be uploading that soon.  Yes, it's true that you turned that power off, and Nacogdoches police called you about it...and you still kept it off for a WEEK.  I had over $300 worth of food in the refrigerator/freezer...which went bad because of this.

And, it's not my fault that you're paying for a hotel for the roommate who (again in my opinion) is not acting with the best maturity in this whole situation.  

So, it's tomorrow.  I have friends that are going to help me pack up what little I have, and put it all in a storage trailer until I can get my own place again.  Yes, I will be sleeping in my car. I've called Godtell, and if I went there I would have to attend Bible study twice a day, which I have no problem with, and would actually welcome it...however, I have my prior commitments that keep me out past 7:00PM every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and I will not shirk my responsibilities at school.  I made a commitment and I will abide by it.  

P.S. I did go drown my sorrows in Friday Night Magic, and it was Modern night, and I totally LOST!!  I need to work on my decks and see where to go from there!  BUT...this is a learning process and next week I'm sooooo going to win at least one round! 

I have to get ready for Showcase Saturday at the school, then there is a football game, and also a basketball game...I think I'm going to be quite busy today.  Don't worry about me getting my stuff packed...remember...Army wife, I can knock this all out in about 1-2 hours!

Have a GREAT SATURDAY!!

P.S. Here is a picture of some of the $10K in damage I supposedly did to the tile floors!!

Besides the tracks from my tires because I was going over wet floors...how is this $10K worth of damage???

The Countdown Has Begun

It's Saturday night, and I'm starting to get more worried.

I know that everything happens for a reason, but that still doesn't stop me from getting anxious.

I went to the ODK Leadership Conference on campus today!

I never thought that I would be a leader, or even be considered for it. 

I'm learning so much.  Even though I'm still anxious about getting in front of crowds, I'm getting over that fear.

I miss James, and I miss his dad.  

I wish that my life would be easy for just one month.  I wish I didn't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep or how to hid this from James.  

I would like to talk to Mike, but I'm pretty sure I'm not on his visitation list.  

At least I can write him a letter.  

I have three days left to pack up my house and find a place to put my stuff.

I've made a list of things to put in the plastic bins in my car.  

I'm pretty sure that I can cut it down to a couple pair of jeans, and t-shirts.  I will have to find different parking lots to sleep in, and somehow make the engine in my car last just a little bit longer.  

I hope that HUD can help me either find a place or help me stay in this place just a little longer.  

But, on to happier memories.

Here I am with my friends at the conference today!  

A New Adventure

So, court didn't go well at all.

I've spent all day between crying and not walking to talk to people.

I'm really sorry if you were trying to talk to me but I wasn't answering.

I get to go to a new phase of my life.

My education is so important to me that I will be sleeping in my car.  

At least I can stay at school until the library or student center closes.

Right now, I'm working on consolidating everything to where it will fit in my car and also have enough room for me to sleep.

It's a good thing that JJ is with his friend.  I've tried to shield him from this horrible life as much as possible.  All he knows is he gets to spend every night with his friend, and that's a good thing.

But, God, I really miss him.  It's another reason I'm crying so much.  

I can hope for a miracle before Wednesday.  

I've made a list so that I can try to make my car as organized as I can...but we know how I am.

One piece of paper and it's all over the place. 

NOTHING is going to keep me from school...NOTHING.

I will finish my education, and I will thrive.

I can fall into bed every night after studying all day, and then when I wake up I can always find a place to shower.  What I don't understand is...how can a landlord treat a person like this, especially one that is disabled?  

And, not only do I have to get used to being in my car, but I also have to figure out how I'm going to represent myself with this small claims case they've filed against me.
Have I mentioned that they took my doorknob so that I can't close or lock the door to my room, and they turned the power off for a week.  Yes, they knew it was against the law, but it was a civil suit, and told the police officer that they weren't going to turn it back on...I think.  (She didn't share with me what was said, but she did tell them that it was illegal...and yet the power was off for a whole week)

All I ask of you is to not be sad for me.

God has a plan.  Pray for James.  My poor son doesn't know what's going on.  All he knows is that his daddy isn't around and that his mommy sent him to stay with his friend.  

According to my roommate (pictured below);

I am a horrible and selfish mom.  She told me that any mom who gave up their child doesn't deserve to be a mom.  She knew about my oldest, and she said I was selfish.  

I have always done what is best for my children, even if it isn't being with me.  

I let JJ stay with his friend to avoid being around this person, who threatened to throw all his toys away.  What kind of person would do that?  

Me, I'm going to be OK. 

I've found a place, but I don't have the $399 for the rent...I've already paid the deposit.  I'm not sure it can be held for me much longer and I don't know how long it will be until I can raise the funds.  

I will post another blog soon with all the information.  But for now, Here's a screencap of my landlords:

Soon, I will post the recording of him telling me I was 100% negligent because there was mud on the floors.  Tile and wood floors, not even carpet.  

This weekend, I am attending a leadership conference. 

Then I'm going to pack most of my stuff up and get ready to move.  

I've don't think I've ever been through worse, but I do know that I'm a survivor.

I may have been knocked down, but I'm not out.  

I hope you guys have a great weekend.  I miss my son.  I miss my husband.

My friend started a hashtag: #Mercy4Marci

Don't Wish Me Luck Today, Wish Me A Blessing

Today, I head to court to fight my eviction.

Today, I have God as my shield in this fight.

Today, I hope to win, even if it's a tiny battle.

I'm getting evicted.  I'm not really happy about it.

There was a verbal agreement between my landlord and I, reiterated by a text message.

I had asked her to start the eviction process earlier this month, on October 12. 

On October 13, she told me (via text message) we had the following conversation:

LL: Please deposit some of the rent you owe

Me: I can't afford it and the late fees.

LL: What can you pay

Me: I've got $300 to last until I get my social security

LL: OK but what can you pay for your rent now

Me: If I don't get evicted $200 but I can catch up and get ahead as soon as I get the social security.  But I think I would rather take the eviction so I can have the service dog at another place.  I can get her certification paperwork as soon as I get her

LL: Deposit the $200 and then you can lay  [sic] the remaining $300 as soon as you can.

In this conversation, there is (in my opinion) an agreement about my rent.  She accepted the fact that I can't pay that much rent, and that I would catch up and get ahead when I get my social security.

Side note: I had the medical appointment for Social Security on Monday.  My case has been flagged as "dire need" and my caseworker is looking for the report from the doctor.  

On the morning of October 23, I had this conversation with my Landlord:

LL: I don't care about the spare room.  At this point if you can't work it out then H***** (name protected) has the upper hand her because of her rent.

Me: I understand.  I'm not bothering her.  I think everything is taken care of and I'm leaving her alone.  So are you making it back up to $900 or still at $700? (this is in regards to the amount of rent to be paid)

LL: Just catch up with rent first

Again, there is the implication that she has accepted that my rent is late.  There is also no mention of the late fees.  Yes, she has been very lenient with me about the rent.  

But, I feel to say this via text message, and then turn around that afternoon and hand me an eviction notice is wrong.  

If you think what is happening to me is wrong, please spread the word.  My friend came up with the hashtag #Mercy4Marci that we will be using.  

My Faith is GREAT.  I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that no matter how things go today, it is according to his plan.