Nowhere To Go

 So....I had a place. 

I paid my rent every month, as agreed.

Landlord was happy with me...until the day before Thanksgiving.  

This started the Friday before, November 20, 2020.

I got a call from my landlord, BJ, saying to be home between 4pm-5pm to have someone come look at the floors in the back rooms that I have not been allowed to use.  I rushed home, and no one came by...he came by Saturday, at 5:30pm.  Stayed about 5 minutes. and told the landlord the information.  I immediately get a call from BJ saying I need to put my stuff (the entire house) in storage by WEDNESDAY (yes the day before Thanksgiving) and he would pay for the storage and a hotel for me.  (Keeping in mind, this is how he got rid of the last tenant...paid for a hotel for him and led him to believe he was coming back!!) 

I notified him that, in trying to save him money, I could move the stuff into the rooms not being worked on, he said no, he is doing the whole house...which the contractor already said he was only doing the back room and the living room.  Fast forward through the weekend, where numerous calls and texts were made to get the information for the storage and hotel, which were not answered by BJ or his wife.

Tuesday night...

BJ calls me and demands that I put my stuff outside IN THE RAIN!!! He said he didn't care about my property and that he wanted it out.  He then proceeded to get angry at me because I refused, and told me to be out by the 30th.  He also threatened that he would move my stuff out himself.  

Wednesday...

The contractor came and called BJ because I hadn't moved any of my stuff.  The contractor and I then made a deal, I would move the stuff in the living room into the middle bedroom that I wasn't allowed to use while he was working on it...he was happy and I was happy.  Until BJ threatened my belongings, AGAIN.  Then I said that's it...i'm not moving a thing anymore.

BJ's wife then leaves work and comes to my house, says that I need to move my stuff out onto the front yard, that was muddy and wet.  I said no, you cannot make me do this.  She threatened to call the police...I saved her the hassle, and called them myself.

Police come, and tell her that she cannot do that.

All off a sudden, I'm late on rent (I have cashapp receipts to show I paid rent), I haven't paid a deposit (there was never a mention of deposit), and I didn't pay the water or gas (which I paid water when requested because it was in landlords name and the gas was divided between me and the previous tenant, which I paid my half in cash), and I damaged the property because there was a window broken by the previous tenant (the landlord knew this and told me I still had to pay for it).  

The police told them they would have to evict me, and she asked them about turning off the water, because I supposedly haven't paid the water (again cashapp records).  

So...this is the immediate problem...however, there is also the problem of NO HEAT.  I have repeatedly asked the landlord to provide heat and turn the furnace on because I don't know how.  I have text messages where they have said no.

I was provided three space heaters, however, within minutes of plugging one of them in, the power to the front half of my trailer (the only part I'm allowed to use) blew and I no longer have power in my trailer.  The back two rooms still have power, but now I'm staying in a trailer with no heat and no electricity.  

On top of all this, Petunia (my van) is a little on the sicky side and needs a new transmission and tie rod ends.  I am working on getting the money to get her fixed, which is going to be about $3k.  

So, this is the situation as it stands...I'm backed up against a wall but I will somehow survive this.

I wish, I wish, I wish

 I wish.v..

So many times, I say this...

And so many times, I really wish.

I wish my mom would talk to me.

I wish I could call my mom and tell her about my day...the funny things that happened to me, the encounters I've had.

I wish I was still married...it may not have been perfect, but it was my marriage.

I wish I didn't have to worry all the time.

I wish I was going back to school like everyone else.

These things are what goes through my head every day.

I miss having someone to talk to.

I miss having someone to hang out with...I'm not an introvert...I crave interaction.

Yet...sometimes I really want to be alone.

I miss having things to do.

I miss having a job.

I miss having that responsibility.

I miss dancing.

But, there are also some good...no great things in my life.

I have my Denny's family.

I have some really close friends from there.

I have a place to live.

I have people that care about me.

Sometimes, I miss my mom so much, that I do cry.  I do wish I could go back in time...but mostly I wish I could get her away from the people that are doing this, because she would never act like she is without these people in her life.  And the really crappy part of this is...I was helping them out because I knew they needed the money at the time.  I know Karma comes around, and my conscience is clear, but it still hurts.  

This past year has been one giant hole...in the holes of the past five years...

THIS. HAS. TO. GET. BETTER.

There has to be an end to all of this heartache.  Sooner or later, things have got to get better.

Things have been improving, and yet, there's still those moments where I get lost...just for the tiniest moment.  I look and realize how much I've lost and how much I've gained.  

One is never happy with their current situation...they're always longing for something more.

It's good to always dream...to always hope.  Because without hope, we are nothing.

So...every day...

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Is History doomed to repeat itself?

I am angry.

I am upset.

And most of all, I'm appalled that there is so many mindless actions taking place that I just can't believe this.

Do you not realize, that even though we have bad parts of our HISTORY, it is still there?

Renaming military bases won't change the fact that they were once named after Confederate officers.

It's like people are wanting to erase our history, our culture.

And if you erase it, then how can you learn from it?

Yes, our history has always been turbulent.

Our history is, however, ours.

And, in my opinion we do learn from it.

We move forward.

We remember.

If you erase the Confederacy, if you erase everything about the Civil war, what's to make you think it won't happen again?  If it's erased from our history, then how do we learn from it?  How do we avoid repeating those mistakes?

We have a culture.  We are a nation.  We ALL (in the beginning) were escaping persecution!!!

Think about it...why the heck did the first settlers choose to brave a trip across the ocean???

Was it because it was a pleasure cruise?

No...it was because they were escaping persecution.

They were wanting religious freedom.

Are we going to erase that also because they don't have the same religion as we do?

Are we going to erase it because they fought with the Indians?

Are we going to erase all of our history because it is offensive to some people?

If that is the case, then we should erase everything and just call everything by numbers!!!

Hey, Military Base 1,  Military Base 2...heck why don't we get rid of our names and just resort to numbers also??? Seriously???

Hey, I'm number so and so, how are you?

Everything is offensive to someone, somewhere.

But, people...we have to draw the line somewhere.

Confederate generals had military bases named after them, not because they were generals, but because they did something that stood out.  Maybe they won a battle that no one thought they would win.  Maybe they were military geniuses.  

Also, think about this...

When we fought in the Vietnam war, do you really think half of those soldiers that were fighting for the VC were there because they wanted to be there?  No, they were fighting for their country.  We were the invadors...not them. Not to mention, some of them did it out of family duty...they probably didn't believe in the war either.

Any war we ever fought in is because our LEADERS choose the war.  Not the soldiers, not the generals, not the officers.  They were following orders!!  To erase them from our history, to take away the recognition for what they did is blasphemy!!!

If we erase anything offensive from our history, then we would be fake!

We're trying to say we're better than everyone else because we're not recognizing this person for their genius in this incredible fight that they won, even if it was for the enemy.  

Recognize the ACTIONS.  It doesn't matter if you hate the person.  It doesn't matter if you hate the reason...what matters is their ACTIONS!!!

I feel sorry for everyone that is so closed minded that they jump on this bandwagon of renaming everything.  Erasing our history.

I'm going to continue to teach my son THIS history...because I want him to know the truth...not a pretty painted falsehood that our government wanted because they want to get reelected.

If this was really something that was important to them, it would have been on their agenda LONG BEFORE any of this happened.  

People, stop and take a deep breath.  Relax...our history will still be there, even if you erase it.

It happened, and no matter how much you try to erase it, it still happened.

Learn from it, don't erase it.

Random Acts of Kindness

Sitting at Denny's most of the day I see a lot of things.

I see families having meals out.

I see people doing business.

I see dates.

I see fights.

I also see the compassion that a complete stranger will show for another person.

We have servers here that are on a very tight budget, and yet...

They will take out of their tips to buy a meal for a homeless person.

They often feel bad for some customers...

They're often running ragged also trying to get everything done and make sure that your food is the way you want it.

Their feet hurt at the end of the night.

They usually have a headache because of stress.

They are worried about home situations.

They are planning birthday parties for their kids.

And yet, these are some of the most caring and compassionate people there are.

I've watched them over the past year.

I've seen their smiles, their birthdays, their heartbreaks.

I've seen them get utterly upset about a customer cussing at them...

and then handle it with uttmost professionalism.

I've seen them not get tips from a table, even though the service was excellent.

I've seen them handle the "regulars" (of which I am one of).

They remember most of their customers.

They remember the details about their customers (no mushrooms).

These guys are very hard working.

And as businesses slowly open up, they're getting busy again.

Give them a break...hours were cut, staff was cut, and they're probably running ragged because there isn't enough labor for the demand.  After all, some days it's totally dead, and some days, we're at capacity.  

The next time you go to any restaurant, I challenge you to watch your servers.

Watch the ones in the back if you can...they're the hidden helpers.

Then, remember how they're running around, and that they only earn a fraction of what you earn per hour. 

They deserve way more than I could ever give, but then again, I'm still getting back on my feet.

And, they have more heart than you will ever know.  

They are a family.

Slowly Coming Back

For the past couple of years, I've posted mainly out of responsibility.

A responsibility to not neglect my blog.

A responsibility to say I still have a blog.

A responsibility to you, my readers, who have followed my life for the past however many years.

It felt like a chore, like something I had to do...not wanted to do.

Now...

I feel like paying attention to my blog again.

I want to write more.

I want to post more.

I want to share more.

But of what?

The fact that I spent the past year homeless?

My daily struggles?

Loneliness?

Fighting for some sense of normalcy?

I've lost so much these past five years.

Five seems like a nice round number, huh?

Anyway...I"ve managed to hold on to my blog, but that's about all I've held onto.

I've lost a couple places to live.

I've lost family.

I've lost everything I owned.

And still, I perservere.

Still, I wake up every day with a smile on my face.

I say "Good Morning" to the couple of my friends that are close enough for me to message them at 6am.

So, what do I write about now?

What do I say?

How do I start over?

See, here...I'm starting to get into a routine. 

I sit all day at Denny's...mainly for the internet, but also because they're like family.

They are family!

It's hard to believe that the people that work at a restaurant were there for me when I needed...

Someone

or 

Something.

I didn't know I needed it, and I wasn't looking for it.  But it found me.

And...while I may have my bad days, it has been good for me.

I was joking with one of the night managers yesterday after there was a bad experience with a customer cussing at one of the servers.

The customer said "the customer is always right", and I mentioned, that I'm a customer...

They VERY POINTEDLY told me that I am not a customer, that I'm Marci...

(I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing!!!)

So, I"m slowly coming back.

To my blog, to my life, to being me.

Hopefully, we can look for more posts from me.

Hopefully, I will be more active here, and my other social media platforms.

And...maybe...just maybe...I will do a couple of videos in the future...I'm still camera shy though!

When You Wake Up Missing Someone...

I woke up this morning missing my Mom.

Not the woman who gave birth to me, but my Mom.

The one that raised me...

Loved me...

Sheltered me...

Taught me everything...

Showed me what a family is supposed to be like.

I miss Dandi.

She would be able to tell me what to do in times like this.

She would also be there to encourage me, and assure me that...

It.

Will.

Be.

Alright.

Dandi is the one that taught me my manners, she taught me everything that a parent is supposed to teach a child that my parents didn't teach me.

Maybe it's because I saw a bunch of Dandilions yesterday, and I know that is when she's telling me I'm doing the right thing...that I'm on the right path.

Maybe it's because I'm so worn down right now.

I don't want to fight anymore...

I don't want to scrape everything...

I want to go back to the life I had before this tornado, where I felt safe.

Where I worried, but at least had the things I needed.

Dandi is the one that was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

She offered me encouragement when I was to scared to try something new.

She also was not afraid to punish me when I had done something wrong.

With the world going crazy, and everyone being socially distant, Dandi would have been the one to tell me that we're still close, and together.  We will always be together.

On Mother's Day, I light a candle for Dandi.

Most days, she's on my mind, so many years later after she died...

I think of her every day.  I miss her every day.

And now, when I want so badly for someone to just talk to every day...just get on the phone and say 

"What's up?"

"How was your day?"

"This funny thing happened to me today..."

I got no one to call...no one to joke with...no one to talk to.

I am really good at pretending that everything is OK.

I'm really good and hiding the fact that I'm incredibly lonely.

I spend all day at the restaurant, I laugh and joke...

but when the time comes, I go home by myself...I do everything by myself.

Just once, I wish I had someone that I could call and say HI...I'm lonely and I'm having a bad day...please talk to me.  

And I know you're saying...but you're at a restaurant all day...however, I stay out of the way...I don't bother people when they're working, and I try not to be in the way.  

They sometimes talk amongst themselves, and I'm still sitting over here.

So, I read, or try to learn something new...or just browse the internet because my other computer is broken and I can't play MTG Arena.

And, to make myself feel better, I try to do things for other people.  

But, God, I miss being able to call my mom and say

I LOVE YOU!

So, Dandi, I know you're watching me...and I know you're guiding me.

I miss you so very very much. 

Because you at least wanted me, when my own parents didn't.

Going Stir Crazy in Nacogdoches

So, we have all confirmed that I have wanderlust and like to just go.

This quarantine, while I understand it's important, is killing me.

I haven't stayed this long in one place in a while and frankly, I am about to just drive to the forest to go.

There are so many things that I've wanted to say about this, but I don't want to piss anyone off and I really don't want to start debates...so...here goes.

At the first of the year, people were posting things like there was going to be a plague or something this year, because it happens about every hundred years or so.  Mother Nature has an incredible way of balancing her ecosystem when things are out of wack, and in my belief, this is one of her defense mechanisms.  

One of the funny things that keeps running through my head, as I see empty shelves and people doing things more as families, and NOT going their separate ways, is that this must be what it was like a hundred years ago.  Families were families back then, not just driving to separate events and activities.  I sat at the park and watched a family of three kids enjoy the afternoon with their mom and grandparents...sitting on the grass.  Would they have done this if we weren't social distancing?  Would they have done this of Covid19 hadn't invaded our lives?  What have they learned about themselves, their family?

Then I see the kids doing their schoolwork at home.  Again, it's like we stepped into a time about a hundred years ago.  Back then, there were mostly one room schoolhouses, and the majority of their learning was at home (in my opinion).  Parents are finding a new found appreciation for teachers, and I bet a lot of parents now understand what teachers go through every day, times 25 kids.  A lot of people that I talked to actually like the idea of homeschooling now and are exploring that option more and more.  

Then I think about the Great Depression.  How in one day, everything crashed and it took a long time for us to recover from it.  And I see that happening now.  People are unemployed, not able to pay their bills, not able to find any work.  And the amazing thing is, instead of these people stressing about finding a job (thanks unemployment for the majority of them), they're enjoying life.  They're not running around looking for another job like their life depends on it, though some are.  

And people are getting innovative with substitutions for things they need...like ELASTIC!  A lot of people are making masks and helping out the communities (even if they are making a profit from it), and the demand is way more than the supply.  So, what are people doing...they're substituting for elastic...again, what we did so many years ago.  It got to the point that during WWII (I believe) there was rationing.  People made do with what they could get.  

And then I wonder, what our new normal will be like.  After the Gulf War, when I was in high school, things changed.  I can remember gas prices going up overnight, and it was hard on people.  Ever since, gas has not been below $1.00, and even though it's fairly close, I doubt it will go down that far...but still...on average $1.50 per gallon is pretty darn cheap if you ask me.  Yes, we will come out of this slowly, and we will try to cut the infection rate, but what is our new normal going to be like?

When I was in elementary school, WalMart closed at night...it's closing at night again.  We adapt.  People stay home more often now, even if it's not by choice.  They're discovering things like crafts, reading, hobbies.  Many are rediscovering their partners and learning to live so long together.  Think about it, people usually see each other maybe 7 or 8 hours a day, and now it's all day.  There are hobbies that we had that our partners either didn't know or didn't have time to participate in, and now there is time.  

There was a time before 24 hour stores and theme parks.  There was a time before our schedules were bombarded with different activities.  There was a time when we were at home and getting ready for bed when it got dark.  And that time is here again...but will it stay?  

I'm not the biggest fan of this social distancing.  I'm a hugger, and I don't have family to be close to all the time...it's just me.  When I hugged my friends, that was my family...and that's gone right now.  I'm an extrovert...but can be happy doing things at home also...but there comes that time when I'm about to climb the walls, and I've hit that time.  I'm not like most people and have a TV to watch, or internet at the house, or anything like that.  

So, this is an unprecented time that we're in...we've never dealt with anything like this.  Our parents haven't dealt with anything this bad...some grew up in the time of Polio, but was it this bad?  It's human nature to want that contact, that communication, that connection.  I sit here most days and wish I had someone to talk to, just about mundane things.  The people I call are always busy and don't want to talk to me...so I study, and go a little further in my shell.  But I miss the conversations, the interactions, the jokes and laughs.

As things start to open up, people will be available to talk.  I liken the coming out of quarantine to coming out of the cellar after a really bad storm.  You've been huddled in your safe spot for the duration, and now you come out, and look around.  You assess the damage, and life goes on.  Life doesn't stop because people die.  Life doesn't stop because people get sick.  Life goes on...the Earth still orbits the Sun, and tomorrow will come.  Everyone and everything on this Earth has a time, a season...some are short and some are long, but no one lives forever.  

(And I know this may sound cold, but I've lost so many people close to me that I have to look at it from a different perspective, and that's what I've done.)

One of my friends put everything I've been feeling into one picture...and with her permission it's here.

So, while we're at home, it's OK to dress up and miss our old lives...they may never be the same.  We all have a new normal that we have to get used to, and some adapt easier than others.  

This is my opinion and way of looking at things, and I do apologize in advance if I've offended anyone with my callus way of looking at things...but it's my blog...and I get to pick what I put on it!

I hope everyone has a good day.  I hope you are staying safe.  I hope you're adapting.

I wish I could craft

So this quarantine has everyone staying home.

What are you doing to pass the time?

Me, I really wish I was crafting...I would love to be sewing right now, anything.

This makes me think of what people did for entertainment 100 years ago.  They didn't have all the social media, they didn't have TV's, they just had each other.

I've found a few people that have been extremely helpful...

I'm able to park, until Friday at the Wesley Foundation, after that I have to ask again.  

I'm hoping I get paid on Friday, but I seriously doubt it...so I will have to find another place to park.

Today, the big thing is I'm applying for a job around noonish, then I'm going to come back to the park and clean out my van...I seriously hope the police let me finish it, as I'm going to have to take some stuff out of it, and the last time I did that, my LOVELY family called the police on me...like they have anything better to do.

I'm also going to practice walking a bit...hopefully by the time all this is done I can make it around the park...hopefully.

Other than that, my highlight of the day is watching the families that come to play at the park...most of them are practicing the social distancing, however there was one group yesterday that had THREE big families together...LOL...and one of them works in the Business Department at SFA.  I don't think they recognized me.  

Me....I'm going to take more pictures...I wonder if I can go to one of the parking garages and take pictures from the top...those would be really pretty!

That would have me on SFA, and I'm not to the point yet where I can go there without a panic attack, but I may try it since I will have my van right there and can vacate pretty fast if need be.

So, maybe I will get more blog readers with all this...maybe not.  I tried once to build my blog, that didn't work, so now it's for me to just write whatever I want...

So, leave a comment letting me know what you're doing. 

Leave a comment letting me know you're going stir crazy.

Or, just leave a comment telling me how crazy I am...I read all of them.

How do the Homeless "Stay at Home"?

This has really been bothering me.

There are so many people that are out there helping others, no matter how small that is.

I am giving rides to a friend that just got a job, and is trying to keep it.

However, this is keeping me from being able to go to the local homeless shelter, because they demand that I be there by a certain time, and that runs into the time I get my friend from work.

I've already given him my word that I will continue to give him rides, because at least he's trying.

What about the homeless in this time?

The places where we usually eat and spend our time are closed.

The food banks are closed.

There's no way for us to cook what food we do get from the food banks, if we were able to get them.

This is a Country build on the Christian faith.  We came here to escape persecution, and practice our religious beliefs, and I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible (I'm not good at quotes like that) to help thy neighbor.  Aren't the homeless your neighbors?  

No matter what your opinion of them, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle, or their life choices, they are still people.  For me, I just want a shower...others may be a floor to sleep on, a bed would be fantastic!

I'm not going to stop helping my friend because it's the right thing to do.

No one else has stepped up to help him with rides to work.

No one else has even wondered if any of us are OK.

I haven't gotten calls from any family, text messages from friends...

My phone has been so silent, that at times I wonder if it's still working.

I'm more lucky than most.

I have a cot to sleep on, some shelter (even if it does leak), and I can get electricity.

However, my main source of food (through agreements and working odd jobs) closed yesterday.

So, now I'm worried...how am I going to survive this week with no food, and no money to get food.

I should be good once the end of the month hits and I get paid, but until then...I have nothing.

People who I thought were friends, have turned their backs on me.

People who I thought were good Christian people, that would do what is right, have been so absorbed in their own worlds, they've forgotten there are others less fortunate.

Even with the social distancing, I'm sure you make dinner...I'm sure you have some leftovers...how hard would it be to take those leftovers, and find someone that has nowhere to go, nothing to eat...Even if you leave it on a table for them, maintain the 6 foot distance, just let them know that you care and that you're trying.

I went to the park yesterday and saw three families go there and play...how about while you're out on your walk or something, you take some food and drink to the person you KNOW to be homeless and you KNOW where they hang out.  I promise you, we're creatures of habit...we will stay under our bridges, in our parking lot...wherever we feel safe, because we do feel safe there.  

And this whole shelter in place...how the heck can we "Shelter in Place" when we are threatened with a Criminal Trespass if we stay there, or we're told to leave...how many places do you know of that people used to spend their time there, only to have those places closed now?

My rant is over...I'm going to post this and cry a little more, because everything that I was taught growing up about being kind to others, about taking care of others, about treating others how you would want to be treated...Yeah, none of it is happening.  So, I will watch others Facebook live videos, I will participate, I will joke like nothing is wrong...but by myself...I cry...I"m beginning to lose that part of myself that wants to help others...that has faith.

P.S.  No I'm not asking for anything.  I have a place to sleep, and a place to park, even if it's only at night and I have to find somewhere else to go during the day.  I would love to just stay here for a couple of days and get things figured out, but was told it is only at night.  

An Open Letter to Marsha Cook

**I had written this and was going to mail it to  you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on.  I will not hide from you anymore.**

Dear Marsha,

First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me.  So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.

Second, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself.  Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people?  I think about that every day.  When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start."  Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.

Do you remember the plans we had?  That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted.  I'm sorry that won't happen.  I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward.  However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me.  YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT!  ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there.  Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month.  The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends.  Just to say "I'm Sorry".  And I haven't even been able to do that.

What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.  I NEVER thought that you would do this.  We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go  and yet it was US.  And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist.  Now, after everything...I'm alone.

You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you.  I would have moved mountains for you.  Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.

I have to say, I miss being with you.  And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead.  I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO".  I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing.  This way, we can both move on and heal.

There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you.  I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.

So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you.  I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance."  This is the only way I can survive.  The only way I can get some sense of being OK.  Because this is NOT OK for me.  My life is not OK.  There is a huge hole now in my life.

There are some things a woman hides in her heart.  Missing you is going to be one of them.  I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away.  People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes.  People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.

Love,
Marci

*
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all.  I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.

Communication Problems with Stubborn Family

Stubborn??? That's the least of it. 

See, I've grown up, I can be professional, I CAN FORGIVE...

which is more than I can say for my family.

The past six months have been heartbreaking.

They have been emotionally scarring.

They've been, for lack of a better word...

HELL!

What kind of person would bully their own child?

What kind of person would instruct their caretaker to assault their child?

What kind of person would do this?  Knowingly?

Marsha Jean Cook...otherwise known as the person who gave birth to me.

I am not calling her my mother anymore, because a mother would not do this.

A mother is supposed to care for and protect their children.

I am still scared to let my family know where I am...specifically...though I think they have an idea.

I'm scared to let anyone get close to me anymore because of all this.

I thought growing up knowing that your parents didn't want you was bad...but for your mother to say she's changed, only to be worse to me than ever growing up was a nightmare.

I saw an old high school teacher in December right after most of this happened, and the first words out of her mouth were, "I can't believe your mom did this to you AGAIN".  

AGAIN....my mom did this while I was in high school, and like a stupid child, I believed her when she said things would be different.  

Her own sister said that she should never have had kids, that she was too selfish...

And still I believed her.

I've been told not to post this; not to write an open letter to my mom...

but if that's the only way to let her know how I feel, 

How I HURT

How I feel BETRAYED

How I feel HOPELESS

Then I will do it...I will put everything out there that what she did was horrible....and I'm not saying in the least that I'm innocent, because I did some horrible things to, but I OWN THEM...

I don't blame others for what I did.

I have also TRIED to MAKE AMENDS and Ask forgiveness.

I believe in FORGIVENESS...I believe in giving another chance...because 

PEOPLE LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

Me, I've learned that my family will always be toxic

AND SELFISH

AND MEAN

AND HURTFUL

AND MANIPULATIVE

AND BACKSTABBING

I've learned not to trust them anymore.

I've learned not to believe anything that comes out of their mouths because it's usually LIES!

So...Marsha Jean Cook.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I'm sorry for lashing out when I was being bullied and harassed by people that you paid.

I want to badly to talk to you, and try to patch things up.

I do miss talking to you every day.

I miss telling you the things I've discovered or learned.

I miss telling you the funny things that happen to me (like I broke TWO NEEDLES trying to bind a book).

I miss making you laugh.

I miss learning with you.

I miss trying to introduce you to new things.

I miss exploring with you.

I miss you watching me make jewelry.

I miss making jewelry for you.

I miss introducing you to new shows to watch on Netflix.

I miss teaching you what your phone would do.

I miss all of this.

When I bought you the diamond earrings, you cried because no on had ever gotten them for you.

When I bought you the stuffed animal after your hip surgery, when NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE...you cried because NO ONE had thought to get you anything while  you were in the hospital.

When you told me the wrong direction to someplace and started crying because you thought I would yell at you, I was hurt.  I was hurt because Letty did that to you, and taught you to be afraid to make a mistake.  I was hurt because your own daughter did this to you. 

And, you choose to be around this now.  You have chosen to be around the same people that have yelled at you, made you late to your appointments, made you scared to make a mistake.  And yet, me, who just laughed and said "we get to learn a new way", me, you choose to cut out of your life.

This sounds like classic elder abuse, yet no one will listen to me because I'm the one that everyone teamed up against and pushed out.  I made sure you went to all of your appointments.  I made sure you did what you wanted to do.  Sometimes, paying for it out of my own pocket.  

One day, you will see what is really happening, and I hope that day comes soon...before you've lost me forever.

This is my Good Bye to you.

This is my closure.

I don't even have a phone number for you, and that's OK with me.  

Even though I have been cold and hungry most days these past couple months, I know I'm a good person.

I know that I did the best I could for you.

Now, I have to hope.

Hope that someone realizes this before it's too late.

Hope that someone can intervene before you lose everything, including your freedom.

You once said to me that your biggest fear was being put in a nursing home...and yet...

How is that going?

You're unable to keep people working for you...why is that?

I was there for free...and yes...I've learned a lot.

I've changed a lot in these past couple months...I'm not even sure you would recognize me if you saw me.

So....this isn't exactly a letter, but it's me speaking my feelings.  It's me speaking out because I know things are not good with you, but you won't let the people that care about you the most around you.

So, if someone in a position of authority reads this blog...please check out all the circumstances regarding all this.  This woman is being abused...to the point she is scared of her own family, and I fear for her safety.  I fear for her mental well being.  What people would buy all these gifts for an elderly person that they have just known a couple months when these people are struggling themselves?  What people would do this?  Nathasha and Gilbert (Bubba) Hise are the ones that started all this, and yet, no oneis investigating them or their motives.  Their own daughter accused them of abuse, and yet they're allowed to be around elderly who can't speak up for themselves.

So, I ask you...who is really the worst person?

Who are the people that are putting my mother in harms way?

Advice from Friends, More Decisions and Update

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of months, and I have a feeling it's just beginning.

I'm facing a few more difficult decisions, and we all know how I am with decisions...

eeny meeny miney moe is my best friend!!

Soooo, I guess I should give you an update also...here goes.

I'm stuck where I'm currently at because I was headed out and got a flat...it was close to another friend, so I called them.  They sent out another friend, and wham bam, I'm now out a rim and tire.

Yes...

They.

Stole.

My.

RIM!!!

And because I used all the cash I had to get the radiator fixed, I don't have anything to get a new rim.  Hence, the STUCK!!!

 Poor Petunia is sitting on a cinder block right now.

On the first, I will be able to get a new rim, and there is a lovely gentleman that has offered me (I believe) all four rims for $50, I hope...LOL.  If not, I can always get the rim and a new tire.  So, more funds goes into the van, but that's OK because I know that just about everything is good and new on her...which is also good because of the other decision I've made.

Which is....

I will be traveling.  The thought of moving into an apartment or anyplace right now scares the crap out of me...to the point of a panic attack if I think about it too long.

I've been lied to, abused, and all out hurt by anyone that has offered me a place to live (I'm not talking about my wonderful friends that have offered me their sofa or floor for a couple nights when the weather got really cold) so I'm just going to stay in the van and travel for a little while.  I think it would be good for my soul and also healing because I really need to step back (as it were) and just heal from the traumas of the past FIVE YEARS!!!

When I came back from Chicago, I went into survival mode, and I haven't stopped to actually heal from any of those events...and because of that, I've done nothing but spiral and self-destruct since then.  And, I'm pretty much at the bottom.  I have very, VERY few friends left that have put up with me, and to those, I say from the bottom of my heart....

THANK YOU

Starting next month, because, well, this month SUX, I'm going to be traveling and camping in my van wherever I go.  I think I have just about everything I need (except a deep cycle battery for Petunia), and I think I'm ready for this huge jump.  

To those friends that I've pushed away; I'm so sorry I didn't listen, or told you to go to H***, or F*** Off, or any of those other wonderfully colorful expletives, I hope you give me a second chance, or third chance, or even the billionth chance, because I'm a work in progress, and I'm still learning...and healing.

Now, another decision...where to go first?  Next month is going to be tight, so it might be local, or a small distance, but I am not sticking around here...that's for sure.  I've been hurt way too much to stick around!! (That includes the not so wonderful Killeen Police Department, who just stood by and let a majority of this happen.)

Now, I know you're saying, you're braver than I am, because I could NEVER just drive like that, but trust me, it's not bravery...it's self preservation.  

There's nothing for me really anywhere...I've lost my family, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost my school (I do hope I can go back someday)....what's left?

On a side note, I had a friend post this the other day, and it doesn't take money...it takes FAITH to do all this!!

I will, however, have to return to my "home" town once a month for doctors appointments.  And I need to find a mailbox there that I can use, but right now, it's just go.

As I embark on this journey, I will post updates.  I've decided, I'm not going to let my family scare me into hiding...I'm not going to let them scare me into anything anymore!  I may have cowered since November, and been scared to death of them, but no more...they can live their life and I will live mine because frankly, I don't care anymore.  They've blocked my number, and my life is a lot easier that way...except for an emergency when I have to get hold of some family.  That's when doing the grownup thing and just not calling comes in handy...and trust me....I don't call, but you can at least unblock the phone for emergencies, or other situations...Like when I accidentally get mail for them!!! But that's another side note.

So, now to decide where to spend the month of February.  Is there anyone that wants to see me particularly?  Any place I should visit?  Any sites to see...of course keeping in mind that it's going to be a low funds month as I catch up so it needs to be kinda local.  

I'm also planning on getting myself a little stove top for the van, and then the deep cycle battery.  I think what I'm going to do is add my wish list here, and have my mailbox as the delivery for anything that people might want to gift me. There's still a lot that I need for the van, but as of right now, it's very livable and comfortable...not the best but it works.

I've also caught up with a couple of people from my past, and I'm really hoping that one of those turns into something else...but time will tell.  

Now the advice from friends...

It appears I act untrustworthy, and I've tried to be open and honest with everyone, so if you don't trust me for some reason or another, I find that a problem, and would like to remedy that.  It really hurt when this friend said I had ulterior motives for doing things, and seriously, I do things to do them and be nice.  I NEVER expect anything in return, and I understand if that is something that people don't quite get...I'm old fashioned that way.  So, when I do things, it's not for Brownie points, or anything like that, it's me being nice.  That's it, end of story...nothing else to follow.  Half the things I do, are completely random and anonymous.

Example:  One act of kindness that I used to do every week, the people in charge wanted to find out who was doing it...after THREE years of doing this, they finally caught me and said thank you...I don't do it for recognition or anything like that...I do it because it makes ME feel better, and it brings a smile to the people it helps.  To this day, I don't know who this random act of kindness has helped, though I've heard stories...I don't know how many people it has helped, and no one has caught me doing it.  That's the random in random acts of kindness, and yes, when I'm in Nacogdoches, I will continue to do it, however I don't plan on being in Nac anytime soon.

Yes, I'm (as one other person put it) BRUTALLY HONEST!!  If you don't like it, or can't tolerate it, then again...maybe it's best we part ways.  

So, this is what's going on...kind of a long update, and I apologize for that.  I know that some of you will say, "You've been fine since I've known you", but I haven't...I've been hurt and just in survival mode, and I want to start living again.  

So, for those from my past that are still here, Thank You...for my new friends that are still around, Thank You...and to my readers, Thank You.

And now, I wait for eleven more days until the end of the month when I can get that stupid rim.

Decisions to be made!

So, I've made some decisions.

One.

I will not let my family make me live in fear.  

I will not shut down my blog, and I will not let them dictate my life by making it hell.

Instead, I will keep my blog, and social media.  

I will continue to live my life, even if it is obscure, and unplanned.

See...I don't exactly have to work.

I can get by on what I get every month, if I would quit having van emergencies!

So, next month should be really good.

Going on a job interview today opened my eyes and I realized that I really don't want to have a daily job right now.

I would love to do consulting, and putting my knowledge to good use, if only I can get hired for it.

Freelance work...I'm all over that!  After all, there are people that want what I can do, and I can go and do that.

So, I'm going to enter the world of freelancing and tutoring or something.

I am going to improve on my photography and schedule photo shoots.  I will need discs to hand out to people after I do a session, but I am pretty good at that.

So, that with doing my jewelry along with photography and everything else, I may actually be doing pretty good.

So...consultant/freelance photographer/jewelry maker for hire!

Is it Good-bye?

With everything that has happened in this past year, I am sad to announce that I will not be posting here as much.  

You see, with a family that stalks you, and wants to make your life hell, it's best not to do social media.

HOWEVER...

Be on the lookout for a new blog, I've already got the name and will be getting the domain next week...unfortunately I will be unable to post it here for fear of my safety and well being.

BUT....

You can email me to find out what the new blog will be, or you can email me...

New Year...

New Name...

New Adventures...

And I wide open road.  

I will probably post some things here, but nothing like what I was doing and nothing that will say where I am or where I've been until after I've left that area!