Still Surviving and Trying to Get a Car

 So...I've been living...AND...

Trying like crazy to get a car!!!

How is that going you ask?  

Well...

There was a fundraiser created for me.

It started out great as people donated, but it's been stalled for around two weeks now and I'm really trying to get it going again.  

Here's the link if anyone is interested : 

http://spot.fund/pxwt7sc

I've also been volunteering at Killeen Creators which has been AMAZING!

I've met new people and started teaching a couple classes.  

I'm also involved with some of the office work and working on their Volunteer recognition!

Things with Jacob and I are good.  Like every relationship, we have our ups and downs...but overall things are good.  He works locally now, so we don't have to worry about getting him to Austin and that has been a big stress reducer.

Now, the reason I'm trying to get a car...is so I can drive Uber again and actually earn money!!!

I want to be self-sufficient and get off of social security.  But, in order to do that, I need to make money.

In the meantime, if you're in Killeen, come check me out where I volunteer at Killeen Creators

OR...

Those that know me, just call or come by my apartment.  Though lately I've not been home as much as I'm volunteering and really thriving there!

And, with that, I will leave you with one of my paintings that is going in the Community Garden at Killeen Creators

I hope you like it!! I really do!  

Almost Two Years

 So....where have I been for two years?

Living life, letting life live me. 

Learning, losing, hurting, again...Living life.

In these two years, I've yet again lost everything.  (My fault.)

But...

I. HAVE. GAINED. SO. MUCH. MORE.

More wisdom, more patience, more empathy, more friends.  

My ability to walk, such as it was is almost gone.  

We knew this was coming, but it still hurts when there is something that I used to easily do that I can't do anymore.  Or when I forget how it feels to do something, like just walk into a store...without worrying if my chair is going to fit.  

So...what has happened in these two years?

I got an apartment, lived there for an entire year!!! 

It wasn't for me, became homeless again...got another apartment, and because of harassment and a very dangerous living situation provided by the apartment manager, I left everything I owned and became homeless again.  (More on that story in a bit.)

I have had such loss these past two years.  Sometimes, I think it's more than I can handle...but I am surviving.

My dad died on June 4, 2021.  My lovely sister made it to where I couldn't be there when he died. (Gotta love family right?)

Nine days later, on June 13, 2021, my mom died.  Again, my lovely sister made it to where I couldn't be there when she died.  (Man...my family sux sometimes!)

In less than two weeks, I lost my whole world.  And I still haven't recovered from that.  I don't think I ever will.  

I wandered around for a while, homeless again.  This was before the second apartment.  And, started on a journey that is continuing to this day.  

When I got that second apartment, things were good.  Then they fired the office staff and brought someone else in.  That's when things got really bad.  I endeded up getting threatened and harassed so much that I walked away from everything I own for my own safety.  Packed up what I could, and left to live on the streets.

The next day, I spent some time at the library...where I saw this guy sitting there reading on his phone.  The head of the library helped me out by calling one of the accessibility coordinators for the City of Killeen, who immediately came to see me.  Then, she helped me file charges against the maintenance person at my apartments who was threatning me.  Then this wonderful lady helped me get into the homeless shelter in Killeen, Friends in Crisis.  (I can not express enough thanks and gratitude for them.)

I was told to be there at 1:00 PM, and since I had no car, I wheeled over there from the library, which was only a couple of blocks.  There, I knocked on the door and was told I had to wait until 3:00 PM when they let everyone in and then they would do my intake.  To my utter surprise, that very same gentleman came walking up and got in line.  And, he started talking to me...with something along the lines of "weren't you at the library earlier?"   This started the path to something that I had been scared of for the past seven years since I divorced my husband.  

That wonderful man is now my boyfriend.  He now works at Tesla in Austin, and he treats me so wonderfully that I wonder if this is a dream.  

We moved in together.  If you know me, you know that I follow my gut feelings, and my gut said this person, named Jacob, was there for me.  At first, I kept telling him that I didn't want a relationship...after all I had been on my own for SEVEN YEARS!! I was fine on my own.  

But...I wasn't.  I never knew that it could feel this good to be in a relationship.  That this is what happiness is like.  This is a new experience for both of us.  We both arrived at the shelter so broken.  We're both learning how to have a healthy relationship...but we're doing it.  

I am ANGRY

So, my ex is out of prison...and me being the peacemaker I am, I was talking to him and trying to patch some things up.  

No, I never want to be in a relationship with him, but for the sake of my son, I want to at least be on talking terms with him.

Now, yesterday I had a doctors appointment.  Usually, my doctor says "disc disease" or something to that effect for my back.  Instead, yesterday, he actually said "cord injury".

HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS...

You see, I think he was avoiding saying it just as much as I was avoiding hearing it.  And last night, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

I was texting my ex and said I wanted to be left alone, and he said whatever it was it wasn't his fault. I said, actually it is your fault.

Then he had the audacity to say, "It's not because of me, I don't blame all my problems on you." Then he further said "I never touched you so it was not assault".  

Now, I'm fairly calm about things, but last night I really wanted to kill him.  For him to still deny what he did, and that he didn't do anything, it hurt me more than the assault.  

So, I'm ANGRY because it is because of him that I have trouble walking.  It is because of him that I didn't feel when my foot got burned last year.  It is because of him that I avoid going to stores because it takes me so long to get out of my van.  Yes, it is his fault that I'm in a wheelchair, that I have to wear braces if I want to walk at all, that my back hurts every day.  

So, I will say again, I am a domestic violence survivor.  I survived a very abusive marriage...with a man who is still convinced he did nothing wrong and this is all my fault.  

Guess what?  It's taken me a long time (and I still struggle with this) to admit that it was NOT MY FAULT.  I can not control his actions.  I can only control how I react to the situation.  I live my life in a wheelchair now, and I love my life.  

Yes, it gets very annoying, yes it gets old; especially on days like today when I got totally wet headed in to work.  Or days when my elbows and shoulders hurt.  Or when physical therapy hurts so much that my legs don't want to cooperate...but I do it.  I keep on rolling.  I make jokes about not walking, and having the best seat in the place.  

So, Yes, I'm very ANGRY that he thinks he did nothing wrong...but that's not my problem.  For now, I will go to bed, and sleep in my apartment, with my cat, in my bed.  I've worked hard for the things I have, and they may not be the best, but they're mine.  I love my life and I love my job.  

It has taken getting used to, but I'm surviving.  And as far as my ex, there's a reason you spent almost 2 years in prison.  There's a reason you were convicted of a felony...and not because "it's not my fault."