Winter Solstice

On this the shortest day of the year, I would like to reflect on everything.

It's been a rough year, but one where I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I'm made of much sterner stuff than I though. 

I've learned that family doesn't change, no matter how much you want to believe it.

I've learned that there is kindness in strangers.

I've learned that it does get cold, very cold in Texas.

I've learned that, not everyone will be there for you, but those that are, will be there through everything.

I've learned that people can be very manipulative.

I've learned that kindness goes a long way.

I've learned that I can go a couple days without eating, but I have to have my Coke.

I've learned that I can fix some things on my van.

I've learned that family isn't what you're born into, but what you make.

Some of these things I've known, but considering the past year, I need to reiterate them many times over.

Yes, I was born into a crappy family, but I wouldn't change that, because it has made me who I am. 

Yes, all my family wants to do is hurt each other, and I'm OK with that, because I don't have to stay and take it.

Yes, it hurts me very deeply to walk out on my family, but for my own safety and metal health, I must.

I know there are hard times ahead, and I know that things are going to be very lonely, but that's OK also, because I am looking out for my safety now.

I miss my mom.

I miss my crafts.

I miss sleeping in a bed.

I miss warmth in the winter, and air conditioning in the summer.

I miss sewing.

I miss making my journals.

I miss having the luxury to make a meal whenever I want.

I miss cooking.

I miss doing laundry overnight, because, well...I'm lazy.

Did I mention, I miss my mom?

Next year is going to be better because I'm going to make it better.  

And, no, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on just me.  I'm going to try to make at least one person smile everywhere I go.  A little smile can go a long way.

I'm going to try to uplift others.

I"m going to try to be a better person.  

I'm going to love more.

I'm going to live for the moment.

I'm going to shed my fears and GO.

Most of all, I miss who I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing who I become, because out of all this crappy stuff that has happened to me, I still haven't lost my ability to care for others or to have compassion, or to be nice, or just be a good person.  I will not let the actions of a few dictate who I become and I will not let the actions of those same few bring me down.  

They may have knocked me down temporarily, but I will always get back up and I will always fight, because this world needs more people that are 

CARING, LOVING, AND HOPEFUL.

Why must family be like this?

You know....I'm always amazed when I see families stick up for each other...

mine has always been cut throat and vindictive.

I grew up having to hide anything of value to me, hide my feelings, hide anything that made me happy.

I grew up scared that one or both of my parents would take away anything that I enjoyed...so I learned not to show joy in anything...and sometimes that has hurt me, but most of the time it has protected me.

And now, my family thinks it will hurt me that my mom is putting my stuff on the curb...NEWS FLASH....

I have had this happen before...it will happen again.  Anything that means any value to me, I either hide very well or carry with me all the time.

You see, family is not who you are born into...family is who is there for you in the hard times.  Family is who knows you inside and out, and still says it's OK.  Family will give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug when you need it...and I've needed a lot of them lately.  

I have a sister that likes to stick her nose into things that are not her business, and then she says she did it for the better good.  I don't tell her anything of importance because of this...I learned a long time ago that if she isn't happy, she will do what she can to make others not happy also.  

So, my mom is keeping my power chair, because it hurts me.  She won't let me have it...a power chair...that I need.  My wheelchair is in need of repairs, but because I got the power chair, insurance won't fix it...but that's OK...people see what she's doing...people know what's going on.  

In a few months, I hope to have enough to get my lift fixed and try to get a new power chair...maybe even have a place to live, but right now I'm still in my van...I'm still trying to stay warm at night, and I'm still scrounging for what I need...again...there are people that have taken care of me throughout all this, and for that I'm thankful.

I think I've figured out how to mostly stay warm in the van, however that does require me staying in the sleeping bag...but that's OK...Sparky likes it!! And, I"m reading more books...

I wish things were different.  I wish I still had a mom, one that actually doesn't want me dead.  I wish I had a home...but I don't think that is going to happen for a while.  My sister has said that she is going to tag my blog in her blog and tell "the truth" but SERIOUSLY...how can you know exactly what the truth is??? Everyone has their own perception of things, and while it may be true for them, and others in the area, it may not be the truth to someone that is over 1,000 miles away, and really hasn't talked to family until all this happened.  

It's funny how my mom can be mad at her kids, and then all of a sudden, the one that called every day, when everyone else didn't have time for her, is the one that is such a bad person...yes I admit I'm not perfect, but then again, neither is anyone else...and yet I forgive.  I leave the past in the past because that's where it belongs.  Stuff that has been broken or stolen or taken and hidden, is just that...STUFF...I can understand something having sentimental value, however, what if that stuff was lost in a fire, or a tornado...would you hate your daughter for that???  When you've lost everything as many times as I have, you learn that it is just STUFF and that what's important are the people in your life and not the stuff....in the end, you can't take it with you.  But what you've done on this Earth, the people you've impacted, the smiles you've spread...that's what counts...not how much stuff you have amassed.  

I guess this is why it doesn't hurt me too much to lose everything....it hurts, but I know it's just stuff...the memories are with me...I wish I had some of the stuff that I've lost.  I wish I could go back in time, but I can't...all I can do is move forward.  And move forward I will....tomorrow is another day...there are beautiful things all around that I can take pictures of...there are children to make smile, people to impact...kind words to say...a smile to give to everyone...no matter how rotten I feel...things will get better, because they can't get much worse.  

In a couple months, I hope to have a bus that I can work on converting...it may take a while, but that is my goal!!!

There is so much to say

There is always so much to say, but where do I start?

There is always so much to say, but sometimes it's just s sentence or a paragraph.

There is always so much to say, but who would want to read it?

These go through my head all the time, and yet there is so much more I want to say.  Sometimes, I want to publish 3-5 blogs a day, and sometimes less...sometimes more.

Does this blog help people?

Do I actually make a difference in someone's life?

Am I wanted anywhere?

See, I asked my mom the other day if she wanted me gone permanently, and she said yes.

What kind of parent would say "yes I want you gone forever"?

What kind of parent would bully their own child to the point that the child feels there is no escape.

What kind of parent would choose people they just met over their own child, and let those people assault that child?

My siblings always said I was my moms favorite.  If that is so, why did she do the things she did?  Why did she order her employee to assault me?  Because that is her excuse, "he's just doing his job".  

I've tried contacting Central Texas Council of Governments, who pays her employee and they say there is nothing they can do...they would rather sit by and watch this happen then risk losing any funds from the government.  I tried calling the VA, who runs the program that she has hired her employees through, and again, nothing they can do.  There has to be some oversight somewhere with this program.

There has got to be someone, somewhere that knows what to do or who to contact. I'm settling into this new life, and I really want to make a difference somewhere...I don't know where to start, and I'm having problems finding places to tell my testimony...though I know I need to tell it.

Starting Over

I've had this discussion with pretty much everyone...

So, before I go any further I want everyone to know I'm FINE!

I'm OK in my van, I promise!

Now, besides the fact that I have to start over yet again, I've gotten almost everything I want to keep out of my moms apartment.

Living in the van right now is tight because I still have stuff that I need to drop off at certain places, and then there's the stuff that I just don't know what to do it. 

Not to mention, I'm a packrat and I really need to cut down the clutter. 

What I really want to do is sew and make jewelry...those are my therapy, and right now I'm unable to do them.  I think I'm going to try to make some jewelry today, but not sure about that.

All I know is I'm settling into this van life...I have a little schedule right now where I spend my days.

Other than that, I'm catching up on my sweeps, and just biding my time until I'm able to drive out of here...which should be soon.  

It's really bad that I hide at night, and I constantly hide during the day because I'm very scared of my moms employee.  

I know that there is a plan for me, because I have faith, but sometimes it's hard to have the patience that comes with it.

My van needs a radiator and without it, I really can't drive any distances...I'm trying to raise the money right now for it, and it's only a couple hundred, but the past couple of months, I was getting data boosts on my phone bill so that mom could keep watching Netflix.  It was something she enjoyed, and I very much wanted her to be happy...I guess I screwed up with that one.

With everything that has gone on, I just want to protect my mom again.  And I can't do that because she thinks that the people with her now are the ones that are protecting her and keeping her safe.  I know through the grapevine that things are not good for her, and I know by the way she is acting that something bad is going on, but I can't know the exact thing until someone tells me for sure.

However, I've made one decision....no matter what happens, I will be there as a shoulder for her to cry on, but I'm not going to save her, I'm not going to put any money towards her finding a place or anything...no one was there for me, and I had to hustle in order to just save my van.  I know this may sound mean, but I warned her not to involve the landlord, that I would leave on my own etc...She's the one that listened to her other "family"....you know...the one's that told her she was so much better without me.  Again, I know this may sound mean...but I'm the one that can't sleep at night and is scared all the time...

I WORRY ABOUT HER...I worry about her well being, I worry about her safety...I worry about her financial situation...and I want to help her...but I will not...not this time...I cannot keep getting stepped on by those that I care about.

On another note...people wonder how I can stay by myself all the time, and it's because if I let someone in, they always hurt me...and a person can only take so many scars.  It's better to be by myself than risk the chance of getting hurt again.  

I'm a very caring person...I'm a very honest person...and I'm very open about my feelings...they are literally on my sleeve all the time.  I forgive easily but there is only so much that a person can take before they shut down...and I'm almost to the shut down point...I literally don't want a relationship and I don't want an apartment....I feel safe in my van because I know that no one can impose on my life there...no one can easily take it away from me.  Yeah, I could lose it because of the fact that I can't afford the repairs right now, but this is only temporary...I will soon be able to afford all of it.

Anyway, this is my post for the day, or couple of days....I'm not sure how things are going to be soon because I'm very low on funds and no way to get more...so I got crackers etc to feed myself, and if I can find a place in Cove to park I should be good.

Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers...she needs it more than me right now.

How I spent Thanksgiving

I wanted to wait to post this because it's been a full couple of days.

I met new family today, and was amazed at how friendly and welcoming they were.  

My adopted dad took me to his other adopted son's house and I met his family...who are now my family.  

On the way there, I wanted to listen to Rich Mullens, and my daddy said he had never heard me listen to Christian music.  I then told him my testimony and how I know I'm here for a reason, and that since that day I've tried to live an upright life.  

He sat and digested what I told him, and I thought for sure he would think I was crazy...but he just told me that I continually amaze him.

Then we got to Lil Bull's house...and wow!  Right away, I was family...the kids just embraced me and talked to me like they had known me forever...I NEEDED this today!

Things with my mom have still been crazy.  I received a threat tonight from her that I better keep an eye on my cats...BTW if anyone wants a kitten, I still have one available.

She still maintains that her caretaker, Josh did not assault me...that my pride was hurt...ummm....HELLO...what is this scar I have on my forehead???

I don't know where the next few weeks are going to take me...but I do know that I am scared to stay around here.  I am scared of Josh...I was told by the worthless Killeen Police Department that I need to go and file charges, and this was after I went up there the day after the assault and told the desk clerk I had to make the statement and go through with whatever I had to do.  In Nac, none of this would have mattered...they would have taken the case right away...here, it's like they don't want to work at all.  

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy your Black Friday shopping!! Me, I'm going to set in my van and chill for a while, or maybe sit here where I'm at and work on the computer.  I'm kinda stuck until I get paid, which may be tomorrow, or it may be Monday...with my bank you never know...which is why I'm switching banks next month.  

I'm just Thankful that I had family to spend today with, and that I have friends that are willing to help me out in this trying time.  I got blamed today for my mom not having anywhere to go or anyone to be with on Thanksgiving...it's not my fault...maybe people see you how you really are.  My thing is, I forgive you...but it will take a very long time for me to trust you again.

Who is Marci?

You know, I just want to write.  I don't have a clever title for my blogs, or anything like that.

This is the telling of my experiences, and my life.

And, sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that it just needs to be said.

Yes, I've neglected my blog for a while because I wasn't sure what to write, and I was trying to figure out what direction I wanted my blog to take.  So, I'm not going in one direction, I'm staying true to myself and just posting what I feel, what I want to say, and what needs to be said.  

Right now, what needs to be said is that I'm OK.  I'm OK with my life.  I'm OK with living in my van.  I'm OK with being single. (Yeah, a significant other would be fantastic, but there's nothing on the horizon.)

I've always been a caretaker for other people, starting when I was 12 and my grandmother moved in with us.  I would help her get dressed and help with things around the house.  Then, I got married, and had kids.  Now, I have none of that...it's just me, and I'm so lost right now because it is just me.  

Who is Marci?  

Who is this woman that is so broken?

Who is this survivor?

For the first question, I have no clue.  I know what I like, I know about what I want, and I know that I need to become stronger.

Second question...that woman is a survivor.

That woman is a person that has been abused by her parents, her spouses, pretty much everyone that said "I love you" to me, with the exception of my children has hurt me one way or another.  

Third question...that survivor is Marci.  She is broken, but don't expect that to last.  She has fought her way back to a semblance of peace before and can do it again.  

It's one thing to be betrayed by people that are supposedly friends, however, for your own parent to do this to you is another story.  A parent is supposed to protect their child, not bully them, not abuse them and make them feel like crap.  

Even if the child is grown, they still look to their parents for protection, and when that protection is not there, the child learns they have to protect and defend themselves.  

When I was 13, my parents (both of them) admitted they never wanted me.  It took me the better part of 25 years to have a relationship with my mom because of this.  On a side note, I forgave them for that a long time ago...more for my own sanity than anything.  It started with phone calls to my mom daily.  Then some visits.  Then when I moved into my van shortly before Christmas last year, my mom said she was worried and didn't want me living in my van.  She asked me to move in with her...she had a spare room and she wanted my company.  So, I quit my job and moved to Killeen.  

The week after I moved in with her, she fell and broke her hip.  I believe that God wanted me there with her, because I advocated for her, and barely left her side while she was in the hospital and rehab...even sleeping on the little fold out cots they had.  I met some awesome people and made some friends during that adventure.

Then, things turned.  I've always said October is a bad month for me, even though it is my birthday month.  The beginning of October saw me telling my mom that I was only going to do fundraising for a van or lift for myself.  And, I explained why it was for me, because a van could hold two chairs, and if I got the van, DARS would convert it for me, versus her getting the van and me being stuck without a vehicle.  She was not happy about that decision...she wanted me to give her a van, and go without one for myself.  And, then things really started to get bad...

When she got her new "service dog" that is not even potty trained, she also bought over $100 of stuff for the dog and then the dog had to go to the vet, which was another $150, on top of the $200 she paid for the dog.  So, I spent all my funds trying to pay her bills because she WANTED this dog...She WANTED to spend the money on what she WANTED.  I NEEDED to get the bills paid.  I lost my pool cue in the pawn shop, my jewelry that I had sized, and still haven't gotten my glasses because I put every penny into her bills and household.  I've lost everything...and then....

When I came home from Nightfall, she told me that she was going to start keeping track of what her other worker did because the work wasn't getting done.  The worker took my stuff from when I was sewing and put it in the doorway of my room, to where I couldn't even walk in there, and took pictures.  THEN, she and my mom told the landlord I was destroying the room, and showed the landlord those pictures.  Now, the blinds in the room were destroyed by my moms other dog, and the stains on the floor were from her dogs going to the bathroom on the floor...not from my mess...my room may be cluttered, but not totally messy.

The landlord is now trying to evict me, if my mom had waited until I got paid, like I promised, I would have willingly left the day I got paid...instead I'm waiting until I get the court order.  This way, I don't have to rush out of the house, and I won't lose everything....again.  

So, my mom of course cried out emotional abuse and then her other caretaker cried financial abuse, claiming I was stealing from my mom.  First off, I made more money than her, and covered her bills...which can be proven.  And, she was aware of every thing what was spent...EVERYTHING.  I have text messages etc, and the money transfers when I transferred money to her account for her to pay the bills.  I have proof otherwise, and since these allegations were leveled on me, there is an investigation...and the investigation will prove exactly this.  

So, besides that...I lived through two weeks of literal HELL because my mom allowed her guests to bully and harass me.  She allowed them to call me names, threaten me, threaten my cat...make me scared to be in my own house.   

So, now....I've been betrayed by my own mother...I've been bullied and harassed by people I thought were friends.  And, I've gone back into my safe haven...my van...good old Petunia.  It's weird that a van will make me feel safe, but if you think about it...it's mine, and it's secure.  

So, new start...Marci is broken, Marci has been abused and betrayed, and Marci is surviving all this.  And coming through on the other side a stronger person.  I am Marci, and I am a survivor....and this is just another bump in the road of life.

Life updates...

So, since I've been neglecting my blog, I figured I would give you an update as to what's been going on.

I've moved into my van, for several reasons...the main one being I'm tired of fighting landlords for things that are required by law to be there anyway. This isn't exactly giving up, it's just choosing which battles to fight.

My van is my safe place...this may sound funny, but I actually feel better when I'm in my van.  Right now, I need that safety net.  

There are a couple of things in the works, but I'm not allowed to say anything about those...soooo...just know that past wrongs may be righted.

My daughter turned 18 and I reached out to her on facebook...I got the picture when she blocked me.

I plan to actually travel this next year, after all, I don't have a job and I don't have an apartment to maintain...so...why not?

I'm going to work on my photography more often, and post the pictures here...

Here's a few from High Fantasy Society, before I got banned because the monarchy wanted me gone because of the stuff happening with my mom.

It's Time....

So....

I've been vague about my past and my present.

I've tried to show a brave face and keep the past there...

But things have a way of coming back to you...especially if you try to keep them buried.

You can't escape your past at all....not one little bit.  

I forgave...that's not the problem.  

The problem is people keep repeating the past...even if they don't try to.

When I was 14, my parents both admitted they didn't want me.  I was a sophmore in high school and homeless for the first time.  I traveled from house to house, sometimes with only the clothes on my back and my school books.  It took me 25 years to mend fences with my mom, and I'm still working on it with my dad.  Yes, I forgave them a long time ago for what they did, but the relationships take longer to heal.

Fast forward to this past winter when I moved into my van.  I had been working on my relationship with my mom for the past five years...she kept begging me to move in, she didn't want to see me houseless.  It was too cold, and she was worried about me.  She asked me to move in with her, so I thought I could trust her and I did.

Now, I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason...and maybe I am meant to learn something from all this, but I still don't know what that is, but I will learn it...even if I don't know I'm learning it.

Things were good for a while...but then her other caregiver decided that she didn't like me, maybe, that she didn't want me around...I'm still trying to figure that one out.  She manipulated my mother into thinking that I was stealing from her, and that's one thing that doesn't ever cross my mind.  

So, what happens...well...that's a whole other can of worms...that got opened.  I sew and craft.  I also got invited to a music festival over Halloween weekend...so as a late birthday present I was told to go...if I had only known...

I came back, and all my sewing supplies, everything was tossed into a box and put right on the inside of my bedroom door.  Then, the other caregiver took a picture (maybe plenty of them) of the mess....YES, I CAME BACK TO A HUGE MESS.

So, I was understanably upset after having to clean the mess, and also taking care of my mom because I was told that there would be people going by and taking care of her...no one did.  

The next day, it started...I fell and hurt my wrist...really bad sprain.  On that Tuesday, my mom begged me to go to the ER for it, which I finally did.  During that trip to the ER, apparently she hired not one, but TWO more caregivers...and wasn't going to tell me I was out of a job until after I had taken to her appointment that day...talk about used!!!

So, the other caregiver decided that I was dangerous, and called her husband over...and that's when the bullying and harassment began...The things that happened, the things that were said...the things that were allowed to happen...I can't believe that a mother would allow that to happen to her daughter.  

So, I happily volunteered to leave as soon as I got paid...I had put every penny I had into the household, so I didn't have any money...you would think if they want someone to leave they wouldn't interfere with them leaving...boy...wrong again.

So, I retreated to my room, too scared to come out....not allowed to eat...nothing...YES, I WENT HUNGRY FOR OVER A WEEK BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULDN'T ALLOW ME TO EAT THE FOOD I BOUGHT!!!

The day before I got paid, they tried to have my van towed.  I literally said I would push it out into the street if I couldn't get it started...thank God it started and I moved it to the next parking lot, but SERIOUSLY???? Tow my only means of moving out of your house???

So, I know this is being really stubborn, but...I decided I'm not going to leave right away.  They had already called the landlord to have me evicted, I'm going to "stay" there until I have a court order saying I have to leave...which will happen in a couple of weeks but it allows me time to move my stuff the right way.  

So, after all this, I'm in my van again...and my trust is BROKEN.  My van is my safe place...I feel secure there.  IT'S MY CHOICE!!!

A year ago, when I was faced with living in my van, I was scared...uncertain.  Today, I am happy I'm in my van, though I do need to do a little more to make it home.  First thing is a bed...sleeping on the floor of the van is hard on my back...LOL and it's very hard to get up in the morning.  I have a warm sleeping bag, it may not be the best, and I do have to bundle, but I stayed warm when it got down to freezing last night.  I have plans to leave my safety zone and explore the state, then the US.  I plan on joining my fellow van dwellers in January.  I plan on making this blog more about my adventures, because this life is an adventure.  It may be crazy and hectic, but no one will be able to hurt me anymore!!!!!

I know I've been neglecting my blog...

I know I've been neglecting my blog, but in my defense...

I have no excuses.

There are posts that I want to write and I'm too busy to write them...

or

I don't want to take the time to sit down and write them...

or

I just don't know if you guys want to read what I write.

There are a few projects that I want to start doing, and then there's a couple that I want to restart.

One is near and dear to me...the homeless population here in Killeen.

I want to take the time to sit and talk with those that are homeless, and let you and the world know about them.  See, Killeen (Central Texas altogether) has VERY LITTLE RESOURCES for low income people.  On paper, they have a bunch, the main one is they will refer you to the Central Texas Council of Governments....which, in my opinion, is a joke. 

I tried to call for housing when I moved here and the only thing I got in return was "it's going to be two years until the list opens up"...this is just the HOUSING LIST people...not even the waiting time on the list.  In the meantime, there are people that are homeless because they have nowhere to go for help...most of them are VETERAN'S and most of them have some sort of Mental Illness.  When I called our State Representative, Brad Buckley, I was told there was nothing he could do.  In my opinion, this is EXACTLY why he was elected.  Unless of course I'm wrong.  

If this was Nacogdoches, I know that Travis Clardy would be working on this situation and trying to fix it.  He genuinely cares about the community.  With that being said...I do see myself doing something for the community because of the fact that I care about this town and the people that live here.  For the ONE homeless shelter to close down because of lack of funding is a joke. 

Another thing I would like to start doing is....

Just plain documenting my life again.  

Four years ago, when everything fell apart after the Chicago trip, I just kinda dropped off the face of the blog...I do apologize for that, and I promise to be more active on all social media.  

And yet another thing I want to start doing again is....

Encouraging more Random Acts of Kindness!

There's Kindness in the world, everywhere...and it can be spread by one simple Random Act of Kindness.  So, I'm going to start posting some of my RAOK's and hope that inspires others to do it also.

With that being said, I want to also use this blog to reach out to someone in San Antonio.  This person, from what I've heard, is very angry at me for not being in her life...E...it wasn't my choice.  You were basically stolen from me, and up until 4 years ago, I had everything documented.  You will be 18 in a couple of months and then as an adult, I can (HOPEFULLY) contact you without your grandparents sending me to jail....yes they threatened me with jail if I tried to contact you.  I will also send you letters which you will hopefully get at your house.  I've always missed you and I've always loved you.  If you want, you can ask your aunt to give you my number, I do take blocked calls so you can call me and I won't get your number.  

So....This is the start of the new (and hopefully) improved TheMarciFactor.  

Prayers for Backwoods

I've sat down to write this post several times, and there are no words to describe it.  So, I will probably put this in two separate posts.  The first post being the most important, the second with how INTERESTING  everything was until the tragedy on Sunday.

So, here goes.  (Deep Breath)

I want to ask everyone to stop a minute and pray for those that were affected by the helicopter crash at Backwoods.

Three people died, and one is still fighting for his life in critical condition.

This is my way of saying, you're not forgotten, and the entire EDM community is mourning with your family and friends.  

These are the three that lost their lives: 

Sarah Hill (GoFundMe)

Chuck Dixon (GoFundMe)

Marco Ornelas (GoFundMe)

And the sole survivor, who I found out after the festival is friends with my son in Nebraska.

Zachariah Petersen (GoFundMe)

All four of these people were doing what they love and we should remember them.  I for one, will always remember this day, and this weekend.  I may have known them a very short time, or not at all, but when you go to a Festival like this, we're all family...there are no strangers.  So, if you're reading this, please consider sharing and/or donating to these very worthy GoFundMe campaigns.  

I don't know what else to say, and anything else regarding Backwoods and my experience there will be in another post...which may take a day or a week to write, but it will be here. 

My Baby is TEN!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know....

MY BABY IS TEN!!!

WOW!!!

A whole decade since he was born. 

This is a quick post, no pictures, no nothing.

We went to NASA for his birthday, and he's going to the trampoline park with his Aunt today....but WOW!!!

Happy Birthday Monster Boy!
Mommy loves you so Much!

Twists and Turns

I've neglected my blog for almost three years.

Three years I've wanted to write so much, and when it came down to it, did I really want to share everything with the world.

YES!  

I do want to share with you.  I want to share what's been going on, what I have been feeling, what I've been going through, my ups and downs...I want to start sharing again.  

So, what is my blog about?

It used to be about my life as a wife, a mother, and a farmer. 

I used to advocate about TBI, Hydrocephalus, Rare diseases, and things that affected me in my daily life.

Now, it's going to be about things that affect me in my daily life...however...it's now going to be about van living, fighting for my rights, thoughts, and people I meet.  

And, I will tell you...I will tell everyone...

I live in my van.  I got tired of landlords evicting me for asking for a wheelchair ramp, I got tired of roommates that decide to screw me over, and I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing that other people take for granted...like being able to get into their apartment or house.

It's tough, it's expensive at times, but I have a nice little schedule worked out.  

Most days, you will find me at the Gateway Truck Stop...You meed the most amazing people there.  Truck drivers that come through town once a week, those that don't ever come back again. 

The local firemen that come for breakfast, and sometimes have to leave in a hurry in the middle of their meal.  The older gentleman that I"m really worried about...he's all alone, and I don't think he eats much.  I've paid for his meals a couple of times.  The couple that home schools their son and daughter.  The family that comes in after church every Sunday.  The group of men that must have been friends for a very long time that comes in for coffee every morning.  

Living in my van has made me aware of how little space I have, and that I can get by with very little.  I miss my crafting, I miss my jewelry making,  I miss my sewing...but I don't think I would trade it for anything right now.  

Slowly, I"m coming back to myself.  When everything happened three years ago,  lost myself and it has been a very long road, but I"m making it.  Life will throw you curve balls.  You can expect at least one surprise every day.  And there are still good people out in the world.  

So, with that said....

HI!  I'm Marci, I've been away for a while, but I think I've finally found my voice again.  And, boy do I have a lot to tell you.

For You

Hello!

This is to one person, but I don't mind sharing it with everyone.

I was told that you're angry at me, and at your dad, and to tell you the truth, YOU have every right to be angry!!!  Please remember that.

I want to tell you what happened.  But first I want to tell you about me, and how I miss you so much and think about you every single day.

I was in town one day last year and followed you at a very discreet distance for a little bit.  Your grandparents have done a great job raising you.  

When I think about you every day, I wonder what you like?  Is your favorite color still pink?  Do you still like vegetables more than meat?  

Little One, I wish I had been there, I wanted to be there, but every time I asked, I was threatened with a restraining order.   

I've heard you're curious about your brothers.  You are the middle child.  BooBoo is older than you, and his dad died a couple years ago.  He also has a beautiful daughter that looks just like him.

Then there's Monster.  I call him Monster because with our last name of Cook, he was gonna get called Cookie, and then Cookie Monster...I made it a good thing.  

Your older brother likes to fish, and lives in Nebraska.  I haven't seen him since he was 4 either....his dad disappeared with him even though we had shared custody.  And, I didn't want him to continue to see the fighting all the time so I just stepped back.  Some people may think I'm a horrible person for letting his dad have him and not fight all the time, but imagine that all you see is your parents fighting. I didn't want him to grow up with that, so I stepped back and let his dad give him what stability he could.  

And, you.  My precious little girl.  That first year after I lost you was very hard.  And see, your grandparents helped your dad pay for the divorce...they got him an attorney and everything, and I was stuck trying to scrape by with just eating...I couldn't afford an attorney and they took advantage of that and terminated my parental rights.  I never NEVER, NOT EVER...wanted to give you up like that.  I can remember the day they let me see you in a supervised setting...I was so happy.  But then when it was time to leave I help myself together long enough to get on the highway, then I pulled over and cried so hard I threw up.  There were many many days of that it was all I could do to get out of bed, and to go on with my lift.  It was hard.  

There is another testimony that I want to tell you, but that is not for today.  Today is for me introducing myself to you again.  What a beautiful young woman you've turned into...yes I have seen a couple of pictures, before your dad realized I could see them.  

At the same time, I wish your grandmother would accept my apology and at least talk to me.  My sister has my number, all you have to do is ask for it.  

I would like to propose a meeting.  If your grandmother would allow it, the location of her choice, and as many witnesses as she would like.  I do know how to behave myself and will not be destructive or rude in any way.  I can sit there and talk to them face to face in a calm manner...it's taken me the better part of the last 40 years to work on that, and there are still times where all the self control in the world doesn't help.  

It's taken me a long time...I was married again.  We had a good life, and then one day he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore.  I still haven't graduated college...Life keeps getting in the way.  I have a very good job right now, and even though I have a weird place, it's all mine.  I love taking pictures, and making things, and if your Nana could see me today she wouldn't recognize me.  I crochet, I sew, I bind books, I do make jewelry.  

I really, really wish I didn't miss all these years

We can't change the past, but we can work on the future.  I want to say I"m sorry.  I"m sorry I didn't fight for you harder, and I"m sorry I let your grandparents run me out of town.  I also want you to know that I love your dad very much.  Again, he's someone that I wish would just take five minutes and talk to me...Everyone makes mistakes, and yes I made a lot of them but, you know what?  I learn from my mistakes.  Your grandmother meant a lot to me and to have this silence when I looked up to her was heartwrenching.  I don't even think she would recognize me if she saw me on the street.

But, back to you.  I don't know if you've ever heard of the Mason's or Eastern Star, but you have a right to join Eastern Star and Rainbow Girls if you want.  I am your affiliation.  

Another thing...I think this will surprise your dad even.  While I don't play YuGiGo like he does, I do play Magic the Gathering.  I'm working on a constume for a Con of some sort.  Again, if only he would talk to me...he's someone else that I miss every single day.  But that's neither here nor there...what matters is that you have questions, and while I may not have all the answers, I will certainly try to answer them for you.  Know that you are 1/4 Mexican, and I"m very proud of that part for you.  

I work and have the same days off every week.  I have a set schedule, and I usually go out of town on my days off.  The reason I haven't gone to San Antonio as much as the other places is because it hurts...A LOT to go there.  I believe in second chances, or third chances, or even fourth chances....And I pray every day that your grandparents forgive me...that sooner or later they will call me and say it's time.  I learned so much from them that I still use to this day.  

I also want to let you know there are a couple of pictures that I hold near to me every day.  One sits in my van, and one sits in my Bible.  The one in the van is the picture of you that your Nana put in a small silver frame for me.  The other other one is a snapshot that I took one day when you were on the back porch of their old house.  You had on that hat that you used to love and the sun was just perfectly shining on you.  

I'm going to stop for now.  If you want to email me, you can...it's marcimallow at yahoo dot com and if you want to leave any comments, they're always on "get approval" before they get posted, and I won't post any of your comments.  Hopefully you can talk to me soon and hopefully I can talk to you on the phone.  

My wonderful little girl...For 14 years, my heart has ached.  I've been looking forward to your 18th birthday because that is when I could legally talk to you without your grandparents interfering.  

I miss them...I miss you...very very much!  I know that nothing I say or do will make up for these past 14 years, but please, please know that losing you just about killed me...LITERALLY!

I hope this wasn't information overload for you, and anytime you want to learn something, just ask.

You are my dear sweet daughter, and I hope to see you again, soon.