Going Stir Crazy in Nacogdoches

So, we have all confirmed that I have wanderlust and like to just go.

This quarantine, while I understand it's important, is killing me.

I haven't stayed this long in one place in a while and frankly, I am about to just drive to the forest to go.

There are so many things that I've wanted to say about this, but I don't want to piss anyone off and I really don't want to start debates...so...here goes.

At the first of the year, people were posting things like there was going to be a plague or something this year, because it happens about every hundred years or so.  Mother Nature has an incredible way of balancing her ecosystem when things are out of wack, and in my belief, this is one of her defense mechanisms.  

One of the funny things that keeps running through my head, as I see empty shelves and people doing things more as families, and NOT going their separate ways, is that this must be what it was like a hundred years ago.  Families were families back then, not just driving to separate events and activities.  I sat at the park and watched a family of three kids enjoy the afternoon with their mom and grandparents...sitting on the grass.  Would they have done this if we weren't social distancing?  Would they have done this of Covid19 hadn't invaded our lives?  What have they learned about themselves, their family?

Then I see the kids doing their schoolwork at home.  Again, it's like we stepped into a time about a hundred years ago.  Back then, there were mostly one room schoolhouses, and the majority of their learning was at home (in my opinion).  Parents are finding a new found appreciation for teachers, and I bet a lot of parents now understand what teachers go through every day, times 25 kids.  A lot of people that I talked to actually like the idea of homeschooling now and are exploring that option more and more.  

Then I think about the Great Depression.  How in one day, everything crashed and it took a long time for us to recover from it.  And I see that happening now.  People are unemployed, not able to pay their bills, not able to find any work.  And the amazing thing is, instead of these people stressing about finding a job (thanks unemployment for the majority of them), they're enjoying life.  They're not running around looking for another job like their life depends on it, though some are.  

And people are getting innovative with substitutions for things they need...like ELASTIC!  A lot of people are making masks and helping out the communities (even if they are making a profit from it), and the demand is way more than the supply.  So, what are people doing...they're substituting for elastic...again, what we did so many years ago.  It got to the point that during WWII (I believe) there was rationing.  People made do with what they could get.  

And then I wonder, what our new normal will be like.  After the Gulf War, when I was in high school, things changed.  I can remember gas prices going up overnight, and it was hard on people.  Ever since, gas has not been below $1.00, and even though it's fairly close, I doubt it will go down that far...but still...on average $1.50 per gallon is pretty darn cheap if you ask me.  Yes, we will come out of this slowly, and we will try to cut the infection rate, but what is our new normal going to be like?

When I was in elementary school, WalMart closed at night...it's closing at night again.  We adapt.  People stay home more often now, even if it's not by choice.  They're discovering things like crafts, reading, hobbies.  Many are rediscovering their partners and learning to live so long together.  Think about it, people usually see each other maybe 7 or 8 hours a day, and now it's all day.  There are hobbies that we had that our partners either didn't know or didn't have time to participate in, and now there is time.  

There was a time before 24 hour stores and theme parks.  There was a time before our schedules were bombarded with different activities.  There was a time when we were at home and getting ready for bed when it got dark.  And that time is here again...but will it stay?  

I'm not the biggest fan of this social distancing.  I'm a hugger, and I don't have family to be close to all the time...it's just me.  When I hugged my friends, that was my family...and that's gone right now.  I'm an extrovert...but can be happy doing things at home also...but there comes that time when I'm about to climb the walls, and I've hit that time.  I'm not like most people and have a TV to watch, or internet at the house, or anything like that.  

So, this is an unprecented time that we're in...we've never dealt with anything like this.  Our parents haven't dealt with anything this bad...some grew up in the time of Polio, but was it this bad?  It's human nature to want that contact, that communication, that connection.  I sit here most days and wish I had someone to talk to, just about mundane things.  The people I call are always busy and don't want to talk to me...so I study, and go a little further in my shell.  But I miss the conversations, the interactions, the jokes and laughs.

As things start to open up, people will be available to talk.  I liken the coming out of quarantine to coming out of the cellar after a really bad storm.  You've been huddled in your safe spot for the duration, and now you come out, and look around.  You assess the damage, and life goes on.  Life doesn't stop because people die.  Life doesn't stop because people get sick.  Life goes on...the Earth still orbits the Sun, and tomorrow will come.  Everyone and everything on this Earth has a time, a season...some are short and some are long, but no one lives forever.  

(And I know this may sound cold, but I've lost so many people close to me that I have to look at it from a different perspective, and that's what I've done.)

One of my friends put everything I've been feeling into one picture...and with her permission it's here.

So, while we're at home, it's OK to dress up and miss our old lives...they may never be the same.  We all have a new normal that we have to get used to, and some adapt easier than others.  

This is my opinion and way of looking at things, and I do apologize in advance if I've offended anyone with my callus way of looking at things...but it's my blog...and I get to pick what I put on it!

I hope everyone has a good day.  I hope you are staying safe.  I hope you're adapting.

I wish I could craft

So this quarantine has everyone staying home.

What are you doing to pass the time?

Me, I really wish I was crafting...I would love to be sewing right now, anything.

This makes me think of what people did for entertainment 100 years ago.  They didn't have all the social media, they didn't have TV's, they just had each other.

I've found a few people that have been extremely helpful...

I'm able to park, until Friday at the Wesley Foundation, after that I have to ask again.  

I'm hoping I get paid on Friday, but I seriously doubt it...so I will have to find another place to park.

Today, the big thing is I'm applying for a job around noonish, then I'm going to come back to the park and clean out my van...I seriously hope the police let me finish it, as I'm going to have to take some stuff out of it, and the last time I did that, my LOVELY family called the police on me...like they have anything better to do.

I'm also going to practice walking a bit...hopefully by the time all this is done I can make it around the park...hopefully.

Other than that, my highlight of the day is watching the families that come to play at the park...most of them are practicing the social distancing, however there was one group yesterday that had THREE big families together...LOL...and one of them works in the Business Department at SFA.  I don't think they recognized me.  

Me....I'm going to take more pictures...I wonder if I can go to one of the parking garages and take pictures from the top...those would be really pretty!

That would have me on SFA, and I'm not to the point yet where I can go there without a panic attack, but I may try it since I will have my van right there and can vacate pretty fast if need be.

So, maybe I will get more blog readers with all this...maybe not.  I tried once to build my blog, that didn't work, so now it's for me to just write whatever I want...

So, leave a comment letting me know what you're doing. 

Leave a comment letting me know you're going stir crazy.

Or, just leave a comment telling me how crazy I am...I read all of them.

How do the Homeless "Stay at Home"?

This has really been bothering me.

There are so many people that are out there helping others, no matter how small that is.

I am giving rides to a friend that just got a job, and is trying to keep it.

However, this is keeping me from being able to go to the local homeless shelter, because they demand that I be there by a certain time, and that runs into the time I get my friend from work.

I've already given him my word that I will continue to give him rides, because at least he's trying.

What about the homeless in this time?

The places where we usually eat and spend our time are closed.

The food banks are closed.

There's no way for us to cook what food we do get from the food banks, if we were able to get them.

This is a Country build on the Christian faith.  We came here to escape persecution, and practice our religious beliefs, and I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible (I'm not good at quotes like that) to help thy neighbor.  Aren't the homeless your neighbors?  

No matter what your opinion of them, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle, or their life choices, they are still people.  For me, I just want a shower...others may be a floor to sleep on, a bed would be fantastic!

I'm not going to stop helping my friend because it's the right thing to do.

No one else has stepped up to help him with rides to work.

No one else has even wondered if any of us are OK.

I haven't gotten calls from any family, text messages from friends...

My phone has been so silent, that at times I wonder if it's still working.

I'm more lucky than most.

I have a cot to sleep on, some shelter (even if it does leak), and I can get electricity.

However, my main source of food (through agreements and working odd jobs) closed yesterday.

So, now I'm worried...how am I going to survive this week with no food, and no money to get food.

I should be good once the end of the month hits and I get paid, but until then...I have nothing.

People who I thought were friends, have turned their backs on me.

People who I thought were good Christian people, that would do what is right, have been so absorbed in their own worlds, they've forgotten there are others less fortunate.

Even with the social distancing, I'm sure you make dinner...I'm sure you have some leftovers...how hard would it be to take those leftovers, and find someone that has nowhere to go, nothing to eat...Even if you leave it on a table for them, maintain the 6 foot distance, just let them know that you care and that you're trying.

I went to the park yesterday and saw three families go there and play...how about while you're out on your walk or something, you take some food and drink to the person you KNOW to be homeless and you KNOW where they hang out.  I promise you, we're creatures of habit...we will stay under our bridges, in our parking lot...wherever we feel safe, because we do feel safe there.  

And this whole shelter in place...how the heck can we "Shelter in Place" when we are threatened with a Criminal Trespass if we stay there, or we're told to leave...how many places do you know of that people used to spend their time there, only to have those places closed now?

My rant is over...I'm going to post this and cry a little more, because everything that I was taught growing up about being kind to others, about taking care of others, about treating others how you would want to be treated...Yeah, none of it is happening.  So, I will watch others Facebook live videos, I will participate, I will joke like nothing is wrong...but by myself...I cry...I"m beginning to lose that part of myself that wants to help others...that has faith.

P.S.  No I'm not asking for anything.  I have a place to sleep, and a place to park, even if it's only at night and I have to find somewhere else to go during the day.  I would love to just stay here for a couple of days and get things figured out, but was told it is only at night.  

An Open Letter to Marsha Cook

**I had written this and was going to mail it to  you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on.  I will not hide from you anymore.**

Dear Marsha,

First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me.  So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.

Second, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself.  Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people?  I think about that every day.  When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start."  Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.

Do you remember the plans we had?  That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted.  I'm sorry that won't happen.  I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward.  However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me.  YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT!  ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there.  Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month.  The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends.  Just to say "I'm Sorry".  And I haven't even been able to do that.

What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.  I NEVER thought that you would do this.  We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go  and yet it was US.  And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist.  Now, after everything...I'm alone.

You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you.  I would have moved mountains for you.  Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.

I have to say, I miss being with you.  And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead.  I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO".  I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing.  This way, we can both move on and heal.

There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you.  I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.

So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you.  I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance."  This is the only way I can survive.  The only way I can get some sense of being OK.  Because this is NOT OK for me.  My life is not OK.  There is a huge hole now in my life.

There are some things a woman hides in her heart.  Missing you is going to be one of them.  I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away.  People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes.  People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.

Love,
Marci

*
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all.  I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.