Who is Marci?

You know, I just want to write.  I don't have a clever title for my blogs, or anything like that.

This is the telling of my experiences, and my life.

And, sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that it just needs to be said.

Yes, I've neglected my blog for a while because I wasn't sure what to write, and I was trying to figure out what direction I wanted my blog to take.  So, I'm not going in one direction, I'm staying true to myself and just posting what I feel, what I want to say, and what needs to be said.  

Right now, what needs to be said is that I'm OK.  I'm OK with my life.  I'm OK with living in my van.  I'm OK with being single. (Yeah, a significant other would be fantastic, but there's nothing on the horizon.)

I've always been a caretaker for other people, starting when I was 12 and my grandmother moved in with us.  I would help her get dressed and help with things around the house.  Then, I got married, and had kids.  Now, I have none of that...it's just me, and I'm so lost right now because it is just me.  

Who is Marci?  

Who is this woman that is so broken?

Who is this survivor?

For the first question, I have no clue.  I know what I like, I know about what I want, and I know that I need to become stronger.

Second question...that woman is a survivor.

That woman is a person that has been abused by her parents, her spouses, pretty much everyone that said "I love you" to me, with the exception of my children has hurt me one way or another.  

Third question...that survivor is Marci.  She is broken, but don't expect that to last.  She has fought her way back to a semblance of peace before and can do it again.  

It's one thing to be betrayed by people that are supposedly friends, however, for your own parent to do this to you is another story.  A parent is supposed to protect their child, not bully them, not abuse them and make them feel like crap.  

Even if the child is grown, they still look to their parents for protection, and when that protection is not there, the child learns they have to protect and defend themselves.  

When I was 13, my parents (both of them) admitted they never wanted me.  It took me the better part of 25 years to have a relationship with my mom because of this.  On a side note, I forgave them for that a long time ago...more for my own sanity than anything.  It started with phone calls to my mom daily.  Then some visits.  Then when I moved into my van shortly before Christmas last year, my mom said she was worried and didn't want me living in my van.  She asked me to move in with her...she had a spare room and she wanted my company.  So, I quit my job and moved to Killeen.  

The week after I moved in with her, she fell and broke her hip.  I believe that God wanted me there with her, because I advocated for her, and barely left her side while she was in the hospital and rehab...even sleeping on the little fold out cots they had.  I met some awesome people and made some friends during that adventure.

Then, things turned.  I've always said October is a bad month for me, even though it is my birthday month.  The beginning of October saw me telling my mom that I was only going to do fundraising for a van or lift for myself.  And, I explained why it was for me, because a van could hold two chairs, and if I got the van, DARS would convert it for me, versus her getting the van and me being stuck without a vehicle.  She was not happy about that decision...she wanted me to give her a van, and go without one for myself.  And, then things really started to get bad...

When she got her new "service dog" that is not even potty trained, she also bought over $100 of stuff for the dog and then the dog had to go to the vet, which was another $150, on top of the $200 she paid for the dog.  So, I spent all my funds trying to pay her bills because she WANTED this dog...She WANTED to spend the money on what she WANTED.  I NEEDED to get the bills paid.  I lost my pool cue in the pawn shop, my jewelry that I had sized, and still haven't gotten my glasses because I put every penny into her bills and household.  I've lost everything...and then....

When I came home from Nightfall, she told me that she was going to start keeping track of what her other worker did because the work wasn't getting done.  The worker took my stuff from when I was sewing and put it in the doorway of my room, to where I couldn't even walk in there, and took pictures.  THEN, she and my mom told the landlord I was destroying the room, and showed the landlord those pictures.  Now, the blinds in the room were destroyed by my moms other dog, and the stains on the floor were from her dogs going to the bathroom on the floor...not from my mess...my room may be cluttered, but not totally messy.

The landlord is now trying to evict me, if my mom had waited until I got paid, like I promised, I would have willingly left the day I got paid...instead I'm waiting until I get the court order.  This way, I don't have to rush out of the house, and I won't lose everything....again.  

So, my mom of course cried out emotional abuse and then her other caretaker cried financial abuse, claiming I was stealing from my mom.  First off, I made more money than her, and covered her bills...which can be proven.  And, she was aware of every thing what was spent...EVERYTHING.  I have text messages etc, and the money transfers when I transferred money to her account for her to pay the bills.  I have proof otherwise, and since these allegations were leveled on me, there is an investigation...and the investigation will prove exactly this.  

So, besides that...I lived through two weeks of literal HELL because my mom allowed her guests to bully and harass me.  She allowed them to call me names, threaten me, threaten my cat...make me scared to be in my own house.   

So, now....I've been betrayed by my own mother...I've been bullied and harassed by people I thought were friends.  And, I've gone back into my safe haven...my van...good old Petunia.  It's weird that a van will make me feel safe, but if you think about it...it's mine, and it's secure.  

So, new start...Marci is broken, Marci has been abused and betrayed, and Marci is surviving all this.  And coming through on the other side a stronger person.  I am Marci, and I am a survivor....and this is just another bump in the road of life.

Life updates...

So, since I've been neglecting my blog, I figured I would give you an update as to what's been going on.

I've moved into my van, for several reasons...the main one being I'm tired of fighting landlords for things that are required by law to be there anyway. This isn't exactly giving up, it's just choosing which battles to fight.

My van is my safe place...this may sound funny, but I actually feel better when I'm in my van.  Right now, I need that safety net.  

There are a couple of things in the works, but I'm not allowed to say anything about those...soooo...just know that past wrongs may be righted.

My daughter turned 18 and I reached out to her on facebook...I got the picture when she blocked me.

I plan to actually travel this next year, after all, I don't have a job and I don't have an apartment to maintain...so...why not?

I'm going to work on my photography more often, and post the pictures here...

Here's a few from High Fantasy Society, before I got banned because the monarchy wanted me gone because of the stuff happening with my mom.

It's Time....

So....

I've been vague about my past and my present.

I've tried to show a brave face and keep the past there...

But things have a way of coming back to you...especially if you try to keep them buried.

You can't escape your past at all....not one little bit.  

I forgave...that's not the problem.  

The problem is people keep repeating the past...even if they don't try to.

When I was 14, my parents both admitted they didn't want me.  I was a sophmore in high school and homeless for the first time.  I traveled from house to house, sometimes with only the clothes on my back and my school books.  It took me 25 years to mend fences with my mom, and I'm still working on it with my dad.  Yes, I forgave them a long time ago for what they did, but the relationships take longer to heal.

Fast forward to this past winter when I moved into my van.  I had been working on my relationship with my mom for the past five years...she kept begging me to move in, she didn't want to see me houseless.  It was too cold, and she was worried about me.  She asked me to move in with her, so I thought I could trust her and I did.

Now, I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason...and maybe I am meant to learn something from all this, but I still don't know what that is, but I will learn it...even if I don't know I'm learning it.

Things were good for a while...but then her other caregiver decided that she didn't like me, maybe, that she didn't want me around...I'm still trying to figure that one out.  She manipulated my mother into thinking that I was stealing from her, and that's one thing that doesn't ever cross my mind.  

So, what happens...well...that's a whole other can of worms...that got opened.  I sew and craft.  I also got invited to a music festival over Halloween weekend...so as a late birthday present I was told to go...if I had only known...

I came back, and all my sewing supplies, everything was tossed into a box and put right on the inside of my bedroom door.  Then, the other caregiver took a picture (maybe plenty of them) of the mess....YES, I CAME BACK TO A HUGE MESS.

So, I was understanably upset after having to clean the mess, and also taking care of my mom because I was told that there would be people going by and taking care of her...no one did.  

The next day, it started...I fell and hurt my wrist...really bad sprain.  On that Tuesday, my mom begged me to go to the ER for it, which I finally did.  During that trip to the ER, apparently she hired not one, but TWO more caregivers...and wasn't going to tell me I was out of a job until after I had taken to her appointment that day...talk about used!!!

So, the other caregiver decided that I was dangerous, and called her husband over...and that's when the bullying and harassment began...The things that happened, the things that were said...the things that were allowed to happen...I can't believe that a mother would allow that to happen to her daughter.  

So, I happily volunteered to leave as soon as I got paid...I had put every penny I had into the household, so I didn't have any money...you would think if they want someone to leave they wouldn't interfere with them leaving...boy...wrong again.

So, I retreated to my room, too scared to come out....not allowed to eat...nothing...YES, I WENT HUNGRY FOR OVER A WEEK BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULDN'T ALLOW ME TO EAT THE FOOD I BOUGHT!!!

The day before I got paid, they tried to have my van towed.  I literally said I would push it out into the street if I couldn't get it started...thank God it started and I moved it to the next parking lot, but SERIOUSLY???? Tow my only means of moving out of your house???

So, I know this is being really stubborn, but...I decided I'm not going to leave right away.  They had already called the landlord to have me evicted, I'm going to "stay" there until I have a court order saying I have to leave...which will happen in a couple of weeks but it allows me time to move my stuff the right way.  

So, after all this, I'm in my van again...and my trust is BROKEN.  My van is my safe place...I feel secure there.  IT'S MY CHOICE!!!

A year ago, when I was faced with living in my van, I was scared...uncertain.  Today, I am happy I'm in my van, though I do need to do a little more to make it home.  First thing is a bed...sleeping on the floor of the van is hard on my back...LOL and it's very hard to get up in the morning.  I have a warm sleeping bag, it may not be the best, and I do have to bundle, but I stayed warm when it got down to freezing last night.  I have plans to leave my safety zone and explore the state, then the US.  I plan on joining my fellow van dwellers in January.  I plan on making this blog more about my adventures, because this life is an adventure.  It may be crazy and hectic, but no one will be able to hurt me anymore!!!!!

I know I've been neglecting my blog...

I know I've been neglecting my blog, but in my defense...

I have no excuses.

There are posts that I want to write and I'm too busy to write them...

or

I don't want to take the time to sit down and write them...

or

I just don't know if you guys want to read what I write.

There are a few projects that I want to start doing, and then there's a couple that I want to restart.

One is near and dear to me...the homeless population here in Killeen.

I want to take the time to sit and talk with those that are homeless, and let you and the world know about them.  See, Killeen (Central Texas altogether) has VERY LITTLE RESOURCES for low income people.  On paper, they have a bunch, the main one is they will refer you to the Central Texas Council of Governments....which, in my opinion, is a joke. 

I tried to call for housing when I moved here and the only thing I got in return was "it's going to be two years until the list opens up"...this is just the HOUSING LIST people...not even the waiting time on the list.  In the meantime, there are people that are homeless because they have nowhere to go for help...most of them are VETERAN'S and most of them have some sort of Mental Illness.  When I called our State Representative, Brad Buckley, I was told there was nothing he could do.  In my opinion, this is EXACTLY why he was elected.  Unless of course I'm wrong.  

If this was Nacogdoches, I know that Travis Clardy would be working on this situation and trying to fix it.  He genuinely cares about the community.  With that being said...I do see myself doing something for the community because of the fact that I care about this town and the people that live here.  For the ONE homeless shelter to close down because of lack of funding is a joke. 

Another thing I would like to start doing is....

Just plain documenting my life again.  

Four years ago, when everything fell apart after the Chicago trip, I just kinda dropped off the face of the blog...I do apologize for that, and I promise to be more active on all social media.  

And yet another thing I want to start doing again is....

Encouraging more Random Acts of Kindness!

There's Kindness in the world, everywhere...and it can be spread by one simple Random Act of Kindness.  So, I'm going to start posting some of my RAOK's and hope that inspires others to do it also.

With that being said, I want to also use this blog to reach out to someone in San Antonio.  This person, from what I've heard, is very angry at me for not being in her life...E...it wasn't my choice.  You were basically stolen from me, and up until 4 years ago, I had everything documented.  You will be 18 in a couple of months and then as an adult, I can (HOPEFULLY) contact you without your grandparents sending me to jail....yes they threatened me with jail if I tried to contact you.  I will also send you letters which you will hopefully get at your house.  I've always missed you and I've always loved you.  If you want, you can ask your aunt to give you my number, I do take blocked calls so you can call me and I won't get your number.  

So....This is the start of the new (and hopefully) improved TheMarciFactor.