Slowly Coming Back

For the past couple of years, I've posted mainly out of responsibility.

A responsibility to not neglect my blog.

A responsibility to say I still have a blog.

A responsibility to you, my readers, who have followed my life for the past however many years.

It felt like a chore, like something I had to do...not wanted to do.

Now...

I feel like paying attention to my blog again.

I want to write more.

I want to post more.

I want to share more.

But of what?

The fact that I spent the past year homeless?

My daily struggles?

Loneliness?

Fighting for some sense of normalcy?

I've lost so much these past five years.

Five seems like a nice round number, huh?

Anyway...I"ve managed to hold on to my blog, but that's about all I've held onto.

I've lost a couple places to live.

I've lost family.

I've lost everything I owned.

And still, I perservere.

Still, I wake up every day with a smile on my face.

I say "Good Morning" to the couple of my friends that are close enough for me to message them at 6am.

So, what do I write about now?

What do I say?

How do I start over?

See, here...I'm starting to get into a routine. 

I sit all day at Denny's...mainly for the internet, but also because they're like family.

They are family!

It's hard to believe that the people that work at a restaurant were there for me when I needed...

Someone

or 

Something.

I didn't know I needed it, and I wasn't looking for it.  But it found me.

And...while I may have my bad days, it has been good for me.

I was joking with one of the night managers yesterday after there was a bad experience with a customer cussing at one of the servers.

The customer said "the customer is always right", and I mentioned, that I'm a customer...

They VERY POINTEDLY told me that I am not a customer, that I'm Marci...

(I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing!!!)

So, I"m slowly coming back.

To my blog, to my life, to being me.

Hopefully, we can look for more posts from me.

Hopefully, I will be more active here, and my other social media platforms.

And...maybe...just maybe...I will do a couple of videos in the future...I'm still camera shy though!

When You Wake Up Missing Someone...

I woke up this morning missing my Mom.

Not the woman who gave birth to me, but my Mom.

The one that raised me...

Loved me...

Sheltered me...

Taught me everything...

Showed me what a family is supposed to be like.

I miss Dandi.

She would be able to tell me what to do in times like this.

She would also be there to encourage me, and assure me that...

It.

Will.

Be.

Alright.

Dandi is the one that taught me my manners, she taught me everything that a parent is supposed to teach a child that my parents didn't teach me.

Maybe it's because I saw a bunch of Dandilions yesterday, and I know that is when she's telling me I'm doing the right thing...that I'm on the right path.

Maybe it's because I'm so worn down right now.

I don't want to fight anymore...

I don't want to scrape everything...

I want to go back to the life I had before this tornado, where I felt safe.

Where I worried, but at least had the things I needed.

Dandi is the one that was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

She offered me encouragement when I was to scared to try something new.

She also was not afraid to punish me when I had done something wrong.

With the world going crazy, and everyone being socially distant, Dandi would have been the one to tell me that we're still close, and together.  We will always be together.

On Mother's Day, I light a candle for Dandi.

Most days, she's on my mind, so many years later after she died...

I think of her every day.  I miss her every day.

And now, when I want so badly for someone to just talk to every day...just get on the phone and say 

"What's up?"

"How was your day?"

"This funny thing happened to me today..."

I got no one to call...no one to joke with...no one to talk to.

I am really good at pretending that everything is OK.

I'm really good and hiding the fact that I'm incredibly lonely.

I spend all day at the restaurant, I laugh and joke...

but when the time comes, I go home by myself...I do everything by myself.

Just once, I wish I had someone that I could call and say HI...I'm lonely and I'm having a bad day...please talk to me.  

And I know you're saying...but you're at a restaurant all day...however, I stay out of the way...I don't bother people when they're working, and I try not to be in the way.  

They sometimes talk amongst themselves, and I'm still sitting over here.

So, I read, or try to learn something new...or just browse the internet because my other computer is broken and I can't play MTG Arena.

And, to make myself feel better, I try to do things for other people.  

But, God, I miss being able to call my mom and say

I LOVE YOU!

So, Dandi, I know you're watching me...and I know you're guiding me.

I miss you so very very much. 

Because you at least wanted me, when my own parents didn't.

Going Stir Crazy in Nacogdoches

So, we have all confirmed that I have wanderlust and like to just go.

This quarantine, while I understand it's important, is killing me.

I haven't stayed this long in one place in a while and frankly, I am about to just drive to the forest to go.

There are so many things that I've wanted to say about this, but I don't want to piss anyone off and I really don't want to start debates...so...here goes.

At the first of the year, people were posting things like there was going to be a plague or something this year, because it happens about every hundred years or so.  Mother Nature has an incredible way of balancing her ecosystem when things are out of wack, and in my belief, this is one of her defense mechanisms.  

One of the funny things that keeps running through my head, as I see empty shelves and people doing things more as families, and NOT going their separate ways, is that this must be what it was like a hundred years ago.  Families were families back then, not just driving to separate events and activities.  I sat at the park and watched a family of three kids enjoy the afternoon with their mom and grandparents...sitting on the grass.  Would they have done this if we weren't social distancing?  Would they have done this of Covid19 hadn't invaded our lives?  What have they learned about themselves, their family?

Then I see the kids doing their schoolwork at home.  Again, it's like we stepped into a time about a hundred years ago.  Back then, there were mostly one room schoolhouses, and the majority of their learning was at home (in my opinion).  Parents are finding a new found appreciation for teachers, and I bet a lot of parents now understand what teachers go through every day, times 25 kids.  A lot of people that I talked to actually like the idea of homeschooling now and are exploring that option more and more.  

Then I think about the Great Depression.  How in one day, everything crashed and it took a long time for us to recover from it.  And I see that happening now.  People are unemployed, not able to pay their bills, not able to find any work.  And the amazing thing is, instead of these people stressing about finding a job (thanks unemployment for the majority of them), they're enjoying life.  They're not running around looking for another job like their life depends on it, though some are.  

And people are getting innovative with substitutions for things they need...like ELASTIC!  A lot of people are making masks and helping out the communities (even if they are making a profit from it), and the demand is way more than the supply.  So, what are people doing...they're substituting for elastic...again, what we did so many years ago.  It got to the point that during WWII (I believe) there was rationing.  People made do with what they could get.  

And then I wonder, what our new normal will be like.  After the Gulf War, when I was in high school, things changed.  I can remember gas prices going up overnight, and it was hard on people.  Ever since, gas has not been below $1.00, and even though it's fairly close, I doubt it will go down that far...but still...on average $1.50 per gallon is pretty darn cheap if you ask me.  Yes, we will come out of this slowly, and we will try to cut the infection rate, but what is our new normal going to be like?

When I was in elementary school, WalMart closed at night...it's closing at night again.  We adapt.  People stay home more often now, even if it's not by choice.  They're discovering things like crafts, reading, hobbies.  Many are rediscovering their partners and learning to live so long together.  Think about it, people usually see each other maybe 7 or 8 hours a day, and now it's all day.  There are hobbies that we had that our partners either didn't know or didn't have time to participate in, and now there is time.  

There was a time before 24 hour stores and theme parks.  There was a time before our schedules were bombarded with different activities.  There was a time when we were at home and getting ready for bed when it got dark.  And that time is here again...but will it stay?  

I'm not the biggest fan of this social distancing.  I'm a hugger, and I don't have family to be close to all the time...it's just me.  When I hugged my friends, that was my family...and that's gone right now.  I'm an extrovert...but can be happy doing things at home also...but there comes that time when I'm about to climb the walls, and I've hit that time.  I'm not like most people and have a TV to watch, or internet at the house, or anything like that.  

So, this is an unprecented time that we're in...we've never dealt with anything like this.  Our parents haven't dealt with anything this bad...some grew up in the time of Polio, but was it this bad?  It's human nature to want that contact, that communication, that connection.  I sit here most days and wish I had someone to talk to, just about mundane things.  The people I call are always busy and don't want to talk to me...so I study, and go a little further in my shell.  But I miss the conversations, the interactions, the jokes and laughs.

As things start to open up, people will be available to talk.  I liken the coming out of quarantine to coming out of the cellar after a really bad storm.  You've been huddled in your safe spot for the duration, and now you come out, and look around.  You assess the damage, and life goes on.  Life doesn't stop because people die.  Life doesn't stop because people get sick.  Life goes on...the Earth still orbits the Sun, and tomorrow will come.  Everyone and everything on this Earth has a time, a season...some are short and some are long, but no one lives forever.  

(And I know this may sound cold, but I've lost so many people close to me that I have to look at it from a different perspective, and that's what I've done.)

One of my friends put everything I've been feeling into one picture...and with her permission it's here.

So, while we're at home, it's OK to dress up and miss our old lives...they may never be the same.  We all have a new normal that we have to get used to, and some adapt easier than others.  

This is my opinion and way of looking at things, and I do apologize in advance if I've offended anyone with my callus way of looking at things...but it's my blog...and I get to pick what I put on it!

I hope everyone has a good day.  I hope you are staying safe.  I hope you're adapting.

I wish I could craft

So this quarantine has everyone staying home.

What are you doing to pass the time?

Me, I really wish I was crafting...I would love to be sewing right now, anything.

This makes me think of what people did for entertainment 100 years ago.  They didn't have all the social media, they didn't have TV's, they just had each other.

I've found a few people that have been extremely helpful...

I'm able to park, until Friday at the Wesley Foundation, after that I have to ask again.  

I'm hoping I get paid on Friday, but I seriously doubt it...so I will have to find another place to park.

Today, the big thing is I'm applying for a job around noonish, then I'm going to come back to the park and clean out my van...I seriously hope the police let me finish it, as I'm going to have to take some stuff out of it, and the last time I did that, my LOVELY family called the police on me...like they have anything better to do.

I'm also going to practice walking a bit...hopefully by the time all this is done I can make it around the park...hopefully.

Other than that, my highlight of the day is watching the families that come to play at the park...most of them are practicing the social distancing, however there was one group yesterday that had THREE big families together...LOL...and one of them works in the Business Department at SFA.  I don't think they recognized me.  

Me....I'm going to take more pictures...I wonder if I can go to one of the parking garages and take pictures from the top...those would be really pretty!

That would have me on SFA, and I'm not to the point yet where I can go there without a panic attack, but I may try it since I will have my van right there and can vacate pretty fast if need be.

So, maybe I will get more blog readers with all this...maybe not.  I tried once to build my blog, that didn't work, so now it's for me to just write whatever I want...

So, leave a comment letting me know what you're doing. 

Leave a comment letting me know you're going stir crazy.

Or, just leave a comment telling me how crazy I am...I read all of them.