Winter Solstice

On this the shortest day of the year, I would like to reflect on everything.

It's been a rough year, but one where I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I'm made of much sterner stuff than I though. 

I've learned that family doesn't change, no matter how much you want to believe it.

I've learned that there is kindness in strangers.

I've learned that it does get cold, very cold in Texas.

I've learned that, not everyone will be there for you, but those that are, will be there through everything.

I've learned that people can be very manipulative.

I've learned that kindness goes a long way.

I've learned that I can go a couple days without eating, but I have to have my Coke.

I've learned that I can fix some things on my van.

I've learned that family isn't what you're born into, but what you make.

Some of these things I've known, but considering the past year, I need to reiterate them many times over.

Yes, I was born into a crappy family, but I wouldn't change that, because it has made me who I am. 

Yes, all my family wants to do is hurt each other, and I'm OK with that, because I don't have to stay and take it.

Yes, it hurts me very deeply to walk out on my family, but for my own safety and metal health, I must.

I know there are hard times ahead, and I know that things are going to be very lonely, but that's OK also, because I am looking out for my safety now.

I miss my mom.

I miss my crafts.

I miss sleeping in a bed.

I miss warmth in the winter, and air conditioning in the summer.

I miss sewing.

I miss making my journals.

I miss having the luxury to make a meal whenever I want.

I miss cooking.

I miss doing laundry overnight, because, well...I'm lazy.

Did I mention, I miss my mom?

Next year is going to be better because I'm going to make it better.  

And, no, I'm not going to be selfish and focus on just me.  I'm going to try to make at least one person smile everywhere I go.  A little smile can go a long way.

I'm going to try to uplift others.

I"m going to try to be a better person.  

I'm going to love more.

I'm going to live for the moment.

I'm going to shed my fears and GO.

Most of all, I miss who I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing who I become, because out of all this crappy stuff that has happened to me, I still haven't lost my ability to care for others or to have compassion, or to be nice, or just be a good person.  I will not let the actions of a few dictate who I become and I will not let the actions of those same few bring me down.  

They may have knocked me down temporarily, but I will always get back up and I will always fight, because this world needs more people that are 

CARING, LOVING, AND HOPEFUL.

Why must family be like this?

You know....I'm always amazed when I see families stick up for each other...

mine has always been cut throat and vindictive.

I grew up having to hide anything of value to me, hide my feelings, hide anything that made me happy.

I grew up scared that one or both of my parents would take away anything that I enjoyed...so I learned not to show joy in anything...and sometimes that has hurt me, but most of the time it has protected me.

And now, my family thinks it will hurt me that my mom is putting my stuff on the curb...NEWS FLASH....

I have had this happen before...it will happen again.  Anything that means any value to me, I either hide very well or carry with me all the time.

You see, family is not who you are born into...family is who is there for you in the hard times.  Family is who knows you inside and out, and still says it's OK.  Family will give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug when you need it...and I've needed a lot of them lately.  

I have a sister that likes to stick her nose into things that are not her business, and then she says she did it for the better good.  I don't tell her anything of importance because of this...I learned a long time ago that if she isn't happy, she will do what she can to make others not happy also.  

So, my mom is keeping my power chair, because it hurts me.  She won't let me have it...a power chair...that I need.  My wheelchair is in need of repairs, but because I got the power chair, insurance won't fix it...but that's OK...people see what she's doing...people know what's going on.  

In a few months, I hope to have enough to get my lift fixed and try to get a new power chair...maybe even have a place to live, but right now I'm still in my van...I'm still trying to stay warm at night, and I'm still scrounging for what I need...again...there are people that have taken care of me throughout all this, and for that I'm thankful.

I think I've figured out how to mostly stay warm in the van, however that does require me staying in the sleeping bag...but that's OK...Sparky likes it!! And, I"m reading more books...

I wish things were different.  I wish I still had a mom, one that actually doesn't want me dead.  I wish I had a home...but I don't think that is going to happen for a while.  My sister has said that she is going to tag my blog in her blog and tell "the truth" but SERIOUSLY...how can you know exactly what the truth is??? Everyone has their own perception of things, and while it may be true for them, and others in the area, it may not be the truth to someone that is over 1,000 miles away, and really hasn't talked to family until all this happened.  

It's funny how my mom can be mad at her kids, and then all of a sudden, the one that called every day, when everyone else didn't have time for her, is the one that is such a bad person...yes I admit I'm not perfect, but then again, neither is anyone else...and yet I forgive.  I leave the past in the past because that's where it belongs.  Stuff that has been broken or stolen or taken and hidden, is just that...STUFF...I can understand something having sentimental value, however, what if that stuff was lost in a fire, or a tornado...would you hate your daughter for that???  When you've lost everything as many times as I have, you learn that it is just STUFF and that what's important are the people in your life and not the stuff....in the end, you can't take it with you.  But what you've done on this Earth, the people you've impacted, the smiles you've spread...that's what counts...not how much stuff you have amassed.  

I guess this is why it doesn't hurt me too much to lose everything....it hurts, but I know it's just stuff...the memories are with me...I wish I had some of the stuff that I've lost.  I wish I could go back in time, but I can't...all I can do is move forward.  And move forward I will....tomorrow is another day...there are beautiful things all around that I can take pictures of...there are children to make smile, people to impact...kind words to say...a smile to give to everyone...no matter how rotten I feel...things will get better, because they can't get much worse.  

In a couple months, I hope to have a bus that I can work on converting...it may take a while, but that is my goal!!!

There is so much to say

There is always so much to say, but where do I start?

There is always so much to say, but sometimes it's just s sentence or a paragraph.

There is always so much to say, but who would want to read it?

These go through my head all the time, and yet there is so much more I want to say.  Sometimes, I want to publish 3-5 blogs a day, and sometimes less...sometimes more.

Does this blog help people?

Do I actually make a difference in someone's life?

Am I wanted anywhere?

See, I asked my mom the other day if she wanted me gone permanently, and she said yes.

What kind of parent would say "yes I want you gone forever"?

What kind of parent would bully their own child to the point that the child feels there is no escape.

What kind of parent would choose people they just met over their own child, and let those people assault that child?

My siblings always said I was my moms favorite.  If that is so, why did she do the things she did?  Why did she order her employee to assault me?  Because that is her excuse, "he's just doing his job".  

I've tried contacting Central Texas Council of Governments, who pays her employee and they say there is nothing they can do...they would rather sit by and watch this happen then risk losing any funds from the government.  I tried calling the VA, who runs the program that she has hired her employees through, and again, nothing they can do.  There has to be some oversight somewhere with this program.

There has got to be someone, somewhere that knows what to do or who to contact. I'm settling into this new life, and I really want to make a difference somewhere...I don't know where to start, and I'm having problems finding places to tell my testimony...though I know I need to tell it.

Starting Over

I've had this discussion with pretty much everyone...

So, before I go any further I want everyone to know I'm FINE!

I'm OK in my van, I promise!

Now, besides the fact that I have to start over yet again, I've gotten almost everything I want to keep out of my moms apartment.

Living in the van right now is tight because I still have stuff that I need to drop off at certain places, and then there's the stuff that I just don't know what to do it. 

Not to mention, I'm a packrat and I really need to cut down the clutter. 

What I really want to do is sew and make jewelry...those are my therapy, and right now I'm unable to do them.  I think I'm going to try to make some jewelry today, but not sure about that.

All I know is I'm settling into this van life...I have a little schedule right now where I spend my days.

Other than that, I'm catching up on my sweeps, and just biding my time until I'm able to drive out of here...which should be soon.  

It's really bad that I hide at night, and I constantly hide during the day because I'm very scared of my moms employee.  

I know that there is a plan for me, because I have faith, but sometimes it's hard to have the patience that comes with it.

My van needs a radiator and without it, I really can't drive any distances...I'm trying to raise the money right now for it, and it's only a couple hundred, but the past couple of months, I was getting data boosts on my phone bill so that mom could keep watching Netflix.  It was something she enjoyed, and I very much wanted her to be happy...I guess I screwed up with that one.

With everything that has gone on, I just want to protect my mom again.  And I can't do that because she thinks that the people with her now are the ones that are protecting her and keeping her safe.  I know through the grapevine that things are not good for her, and I know by the way she is acting that something bad is going on, but I can't know the exact thing until someone tells me for sure.

However, I've made one decision....no matter what happens, I will be there as a shoulder for her to cry on, but I'm not going to save her, I'm not going to put any money towards her finding a place or anything...no one was there for me, and I had to hustle in order to just save my van.  I know this may sound mean, but I warned her not to involve the landlord, that I would leave on my own etc...She's the one that listened to her other "family"....you know...the one's that told her she was so much better without me.  Again, I know this may sound mean...but I'm the one that can't sleep at night and is scared all the time...

I WORRY ABOUT HER...I worry about her well being, I worry about her safety...I worry about her financial situation...and I want to help her...but I will not...not this time...I cannot keep getting stepped on by those that I care about.

On another note...people wonder how I can stay by myself all the time, and it's because if I let someone in, they always hurt me...and a person can only take so many scars.  It's better to be by myself than risk the chance of getting hurt again.  

I'm a very caring person...I'm a very honest person...and I'm very open about my feelings...they are literally on my sleeve all the time.  I forgive easily but there is only so much that a person can take before they shut down...and I'm almost to the shut down point...I literally don't want a relationship and I don't want an apartment....I feel safe in my van because I know that no one can impose on my life there...no one can easily take it away from me.  Yeah, I could lose it because of the fact that I can't afford the repairs right now, but this is only temporary...I will soon be able to afford all of it.

Anyway, this is my post for the day, or couple of days....I'm not sure how things are going to be soon because I'm very low on funds and no way to get more...so I got crackers etc to feed myself, and if I can find a place in Cove to park I should be good.

Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers...she needs it more than me right now.