I'm Back!!!

I'm hoping that y'all missed me.

I'm really sorry for not being around, but there were circumstances that I couldn't avoid. But, I'm back!!

So, be on the lookout for a new and improved blog, and hopefully more giveaways!!

Tracy Lawrence Concert and Pasadena Rodeo

Y'all know we don't often go to public events because of Mike's PTSD.  When we do go, we avoid the crowds, and the Pasadena Rodeo and Tracy Lawrence concert were no exception.  

Even though we stuck to the edge of the crowd we had a great time.

For the concert, we stayed in the stands while everyone else went down to the rodeo floor.  I'm OK with this because I know how hard it is for Mike to even go to something with this many people.  

See all the empty stands, we're on the opposite side and it was just as empty.  It was a great concert and the meet and greet was AWESOME!  But, I wish I could have danced on the floor with Mike.  We dance well together, but there were just too many people down there for his comfort.  

One of my goals (after we get his PTSD service dog) is to take James to a theme park...even if it's Six Flags, I would just love for him to have an enjoyable day.  Right now, we don't even think about all that because of the anxiety that Mike feels even thinking about going to a crowded place.  My goal is to get plans finalized before the end of the year for a Service dog for Mike, but we can't do that without help.  Please, forward my blog to friends, post it on twitter, Facebook, any social media will help get the word out.  Mike is one Veteran that would benefit greatly from a Service Dog.  We're getting desperate here! LOL

Why Are We NOT Paid?

Yesterday was one of THOSE days.

You know the one that starts out crappy, and it goes downhill from there.

I took everything in stride all day...went with the flow and just kept going.  After all, that's what I do.  I ALWAYS find the bright side of things.

Yesterday was no exception.  Even with things being crazy and it being a big time MONDAY...I still found the bright side of things.  There's always something good in EVERY bad situation.  

YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THAT RAY OF HOPE.

So, what happened? 

Well, there was an incident at work that caused us to scramble to open.  The ray of hope there was that it didn't cost as much as it was thought at first.  

What else happened?

Not much during work, but after work I had an appointment.

And, I discovered something.  I'm not quite ready to spill on that, but it does lead me to the incident that had me literally IN TEARS.

You see, having a family member with a Traumatic Brain Injury is a ROLLER COASTER.  You can be on top of the world one moment because things are finally starting to settle down.  Things are getting better and you THINK that everything is under control.  But, the problem with a TBI is, that rug under your feet...it gets yanked BIG TIME.  There is no set schedule, there is no routine, there is no getting used to things.  

EVERY DAY IS A CHALLENGE.  Every day is unknown.  Yeah, you may be in a routine with the daily tasks, but there is always that wrench that is just standing over you, waiting to get thrown into your plans. 

That's something else that you learn...YOU HAVE NO PLANS.

I read an article yesterday about military spouses being thrown into the role of "caregiver".  This article didn't state anything about PTSD or TBI, but just in general the role of "caregiver".  

I have to say from experience...

The role of CAREGIVER is broad and definitely NOT DEFINED.  

For some, it's taking care of the household and bills and kids and just everything while the spouse is deployed.  For others, like me, it's the literal role of CAREGIVER.

We are given the task of taking care of our spouse when they have a TBI, when they have PTSD.

I believe, as I have always believed, that God chooses us for these roles.  He doesn't give us more than we can handle.  There are times when we think we can't handle any more, just to get a little more thrown on our already full plates.  

When I married Mike, I said for better or worse and in sickness and in health.  I loved him 20 years ago, and I love him today.  I love him with our without his TBI.  But, there are times it is 

REALLY HARD.  I'm not saying it's hard to love him, that is the easiest thing for us right now.

But it's hard to live this life that God has given me.  It's hard to watch someone NOT be able to handle things that we both know he used to be able to handle.  

Emotions is one of the hardest things for him to control.  The combination of PTSD and TBI just magnifies the problem.  

I often find myself apologizing to people because of his outbursts.  I frequently have to get us out of a situation because he has no control of some emotions.  It's not his fault, and I know he tries.  I also know that this kills him because he remembers what it was like to be able to control the emotions.  He knows EVERY DAY that something is wrong with him and he has no control over it, nor can he fix it.

Back to God choosing me.  I've known for a long time that I'm here for a reason (that's another post that I haven't had the courage to write yet).  I know that God has chosen me for something...I just don't know what it is, and I'm not sure I want to know what it is, because then I would be working towards that reason.  

All the soldiers coming back from war with PTSD and TBI...Yes, I know you didn't ask for this.  I know that your spouses didn't ask for this.  I also know that you and your spouses were chosen for this by God.  My faith in God is very strong.  I don't question him.  I do, in my times of despair, question WHY?

Why was I chosen for this?  How am I so strong to deal with this?  

The incident yesterday, again, put me on that line.  You know, that line where you question, "How much more can I take?"  I thank God every day for the people in my life.  Because without their hand and shoulder to lend me strength, I don't know if I could keep going.  Yet, every day I wake up and fight again for my husband.  Every day I wake up and deal with whatever new problem that comes around.  Every day I wake up with HOPE.  Every day I wake up LOVED.  Not only by my husband and family but by my wonderful friends and coworkers.  

I have learned to deal with the role of  "CAREGIVER".  I accept this challenge and this life with both eyes, both arms, and my heart WIDE OPEN.  

But, on days like yesterday...I wonder...

WHY ARE WE AS CAREGIVERS NOT PAID BY THE MILITARY FOR OUR SERVICES?

Why, when a civilian has a TBI, do they have a nurse or social worker come into their house and help them with the same things that we spouses do?  Why does the Veterans Administration take advantage of us spouses?  We care for our spouses, we make sure they get their meds, we make sure they get to their appointments, we make sure the bills are paid, we make sure that they can lead as normal a life as possible with the new disabilities that they have.  This is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year job.  In some cases it's a FULL TIME JOB.  But, in my opinion, the Veterans Administration takes advantage of use.  We don't get recognized, we don't get paid (by them), we don't get any extra benefits.  

WE TAKE CARE OF OUR VETERANS BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM.  WE MADE THAT VOW TO THEM WHEN WE MARRIED THEM.  

FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.

I'm not saying that I want extra money, though it would be nice.  I'm not saying that I don't like my life, I LOVE my life, I just don't like certain aspects of it at times.  The good times far outweigh the bad.  There are ALWAYS MORE SMILES THAN TEARS.  But, just once, I would like the Veterans Administration say, we recognize the job that spouses do, and we couldn't do our jobs without the spouses.  Here's a little something for all your hard work.

*OK...end of my little rant...yes it was one of those days where I was in tears and just needed a HUG*

So, Amanda Tynes thinks she has it bad....

Ya'll are going to have to forgive me, but I've had a long day, and I'm feeling incredibly snarky right now.

So, this is my apology for any snarkiness or sarcasm in this post.  

I get home from work today and read the news like I always do, and since we're a sports family, I read THIS post also.  I understand that MRSA is a very serious infection.  BUT, seriously, does the pampered NFL wife have to say they're having a hard time with her husband's treatment.  (Here goes my rant.)

This is mostly to Amanda Tynes.

First of all, your husband is an NFL player, I would wager that he's still getting some sort of income through this.  Try going with NO INCOME!!!

Second, you're incredibly lucky to get the IV antibiotics in the form that you do.  When my husband ALMOST DIED from his infection from the shunt (in case you didn't know, that is IN HIS BRAIN), I had to mix his medicine.  There was no fancy bottle that you could just plug in.  I had to mix the IV solution, then hang the IV (without an IV pole...a hanger works wonders) and then had to attach it and flush the line afterwards...this was TWICE A DAY!!!

Third, so he got an infection.  Here, my husband has BRAIN DAMAGE AND PTSD!!! This is NOT FROM ANY CONTACT SPORTS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT...

IT WAS FROM WAR.

Do you think my husband was paid for the time he couldn't work?  Do you think that everything here was honkey dory?  Do you think that we didn't lose OUR HOUSE AND OUR VEHICLE from that?

HOW DARE YOU???

Lemme try that again...

HOW DARE YOU!!

How dare you even consider that you're having a hard time in your house with A/C and drive that fancy car and post pics on twitter.  When my husband had his infection, he had to get treated at the Houston VA Hospital, TWO HOURS AWAY.  Do you know how hard it is to come and go that far with an infant?  And by infant, let me show you a couple pictures of JUST ONE of our drives home.

 Sorry this is blurry, but I WAS DRIVING!  My husband couldn't even sit up on the way home, he was laying down in the back seat.  Which brings me to this second picture.

My son wasn't even a year old.  SEE HOW LITTLE he was?  I had a truck (at the time) that would disable the air bags and he had to be in the front seat so I could drive and take care of both him and his dad.

By the way?  As far as any money??? Yeah, he couldn't work.  That truck we were driving in, it got repossessed because we couldn't afford the payments after his brain surgery.  The house he had, it was foreclosed on because we couldn't afford the payments.  I robbed Peter to pay Paul and begged the utility companies to give me time to pay the bills.  Oh yeah, and that's while paying for the gas to go back and forth to Houston.  

We're STILL FIGHTING THE VA FOR HIS DISABILITY FOR THE TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY. 

I'm doing everything in my power to raise funds for a Service Dog for my husband so that we can at least go to an NFL game again.  He panics in crowds and so my son doesn't even remember our last game.  

I'm incredibly proud of my husband because EVEN WITH THE BRAIN DAMAGE HE'S GOING TO COLLEGE!  He's trying to provide for his family.  (Also, we were earning good money when he was able to work!!) I'm having to work part-time while my son goes to school, because we can't afford the child care for me to work more.  Every time my husband gets sick I worry about shunt malfunction and whether or not we're going to have to have yet another brain surgery.  He wakes up EVERY DAY WITH A HEADACHE!!!

EVERY. DAY.

Do you think you can even imagine that?

Do you think you can imagine having to worry about bills and whether or not your even going to be able to feed your family the next month?  The Military is supposed to be taking care of it's VETERANS, but your husband is getting WAY BETTER TREATMENT than my husband EVER DID.  So, please don't tell me that you're upset with the statement that was released.  Please, don't tell me that you don't think your husband isn't responding well to treatment.  Because, as I see it...you've got it pretty easy!  I wonder if you have someone come in and hook up his medicine?  

I'm going to step off of my soap box now because I'm so angry and upset that I'm shaking, and I DON'T GET LIKE THIS OFTEN!  I'm also going to tweet this blog post to you, and I hope you really read this, maybe try reading some of the past posts, like THIS ONE. Or, maybe THIS ONE. And, if you're really feeling generous, can you please check out our fundraiser going on at GOFUNDME, you can find the link on the right side with the picture of us!!! Maybe, this will give you a little glimpse into our life.